Still, I resisted turning it on.
I focused on the book I was working on. I couldn’t expect to be an inspiration to women if I was sitting around waiting for a man to propose to me. The very thought made my stomach churn. I had really gotten off my path of healthy self-esteem.
As I began to type, all of the things I’d learned over the past year came back to me. I had to remain in my peace, I had to stay focused in the present. If that meant limiting my time with Max until I could get over the hurt of the proposal that never happened, then that was what I would have to do.
I felt uneasy as I wrote about relationships in the book. I was beginning to wonder if relationships were ever something I could master. I remembered what the man at the club had said to me. I had gotten too used to being alone. Would I ever be able to open my heart?
I tried to distract myself by eating at home and not leaving my apartment. I didn’t want to be tempted to call Max.
It was nearly evening when I got an e-mail. I was a little startled, as it was from the address that Max had used when he pretended to be Blue.
Hello? Are you okay? I’ve been trying to reach you all day.
It was nice that he’d noticed that I was missing, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to give in and turn my phone on just yet.
Sorry, been busy with work. Writing is my career, you know.
I didn’t really think about how annoyed that sounded until after I sent the e-mail. Max responded a few seconds later.
Yes, I know. I’m sorry for interrupting. Let me know when you come up for air. Love you.
My fingers hovered over the keyboard as I thought about what I wanted to send back to him. There were a million things that I wanted to say, but I knew that they would start a conversation, I knew I would get pulled back into my insecurities. I just needed a breather from the chaos that was my love for Max.
Love you too.
I sent the e-mail knowing that Max would be a little put off by how short and vague it was. But for once I didn’t obsess about it.
It struck me that I needed to find Samantha—not Sammy, who was in love with Max—but Samantha, the woman, the writer, the bucket list Olympian.
I needed to feel one hundred percent whole again.
Chapter 20
Instead of just tuning back into my writing, I decided to tune back into my go-to inspirational websites. There were a few blogs that I’d been following the past year for the uplifting messages I found there. Of course I had a large collection of inspiring memes too. I needed to be reminded of how far I’d come along my journey.
I felt the strange sensation of getting lighter. Even though I knew realistically that I hadn’t lost any weight, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off me.
By the end of the day, I felt more secure than ever. I turned my phone back on. I found that I had a dozen texts from Stephanie. I had half that amount from Max. I was tempted to call him, but decided to connect with Stephanie first.
I dialed her number.
“Oh, so you are alive?” She laughed when she picked up the phone.
“Last time I checked.” I laughed too.
“What’s going on?”
“I was working. Just wanted to catch up on some things. What’s going on with you?”
“You mean other than going through Samantha withdrawal?”
“Ha ha.”
“I mean it. You can’t just not text me. It’s not cool.” She laughed again.
“I’m sorry. To be honest, I’m having a hard time keeping my head clear.”
“Why?”
“Ah well, you know.”
“Max?”
“Max.”
“Samantha, I don’t understand what you’re worried about. He clearly adores you.”
I cringed. I didn’t even know how to explain it myself. “I guess I’m just feeling a little strange about why things aren’t moving forward.”
“You have to stop worrying so much. Just let things happen as they will. Trust me.”
“Thanks.”
While I was on the phone with Stephanie, it vibrated to let me know that I had a text.
“Stephanie, I’ve got to go.”
“Okay, but don’t be a stranger. I’ve really enjoyed us hanging out so much lately.”
“I know. Me too.”
When I hung up the phone I looked at the text.
Are you still going to meet me for the surfing lesson?
I frowned. I’d forgotten about setting up the class earlier. I didn’t exactly feel strong enough to meet up with him, but at the same time I couldn’t avoid him much longer. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was Max not contacting me, I would be losing my mind.
Yes. I’ll be there. Love you.
It was a short text, but I hoped it reassured him.
So you’re coming up for air?
I smiled at the text.
For a little while.
I waited a moment, as I expected him to text back. When I didn’t receive any more texts I put the phone down.
The surf lesson was in the morning, and that meant I was going to have to get into a swimsuit. It had been a while since I put one on. I dug around in my drawer and found the one I had most recently purchased. It fit okay in the store, but looking at it made me anxious as I wondered if it would still look okay. Over the past few weeks I hadn’t done a great job of following my diet and exercise routine.
I changed into the suit and then turned to look in the mirror. All I could see was flaws. My thighs were flabby. My arms drooped. My breasts sagged. I didn’t even want to think about the mound of fat around my waist. I was very disappointed. The suit fit the same as it had in the store, but clearly I’d lost sight of my beauty. A flicker of panic rushed through me. I couldn’t let Max see me like this. He would go running for the hills. I was sure of it. My chest ached with anxiety.
I was about to grab my phone to cancel the lesson, when I realized how that would seem to Max. It would hurt him if I cancelled our plans. As I thought about it more, I realized this was an opportunity to trust Max. Max had never been anything but kind about the way I looked. I had no real reason to think he would be any different the next morning. It was just my panic and insecurity talking.
I took a deep breath and forced myself to look in the mirror again. Okay, I might have put on a pound or two, but not much. I hadn’t been exercising as much, so I wasn’t as toned, but the suit still fit.
“Sammy, you’ve got to get a grip.” I shook my head at myself. “Max loves you.”
Even saying that out loud in my empty bedroom to my worried reflection felt like a risk. Was I ever going to believe it?
I changed back into my suit and decided that I needed more than inspiring websites and memes, I needed some face-to-face inspiration. I put a call in to the meditation teacher that I’d been working with. There were no classes that night, but he said he would meet me with me for a private session.
I felt relieved. I needed some serious inner-self time.
As I left the apartment I grabbed my phone. I noticed that Max still hadn’t texted me back. I was tempted to text him to see what he was up to, but I knew I had no right. I was the one that was being distant, not him. I just hoped that he would understand while I worked to get myself together again.
Chapter 21
I’d never attended a private session with my meditation teacher before. I was looking forward to having the one-on-one focus.
When I knocked lightly on the door of the classroom I heard music playing inside. I was pulled in by the peaceful sound of it. I opened the door to find my meditation teacher cross-legged and peaceful—that much I expected. What I did not expect was that he wouldn’t be wearing any clothes.
“Oops, I’m so sorry. I must be early.” I backed out of the room.
“It’s okay, Samantha. Here.” He spread a towel across his lap. “Does that make you feel more comfortable?”
I was going to point out that he still
didn’t have clothes on, but I decided against it. Why should I feel uncomfortable around him in his natural state? He obviously fully accepted his body and expected me to as well. I had no concerns about his intentions.
“Okay, thanks.” I stepped back into the room. “Are you sure I’m not intruding?”
“Not at all.” He gestured to the cushion in front of him. “Get comfortable and settle in. We’ll do a quick guided meditation.”
I sat down in front of him. I thought about taking my clothes off, but decided against it. He said to get comfortable, not get naked.
As soon as I was settled he began speaking. I closed my eyes and let his voice take me on a journey. It didn’t matter what he looked like, or what his name was; the lilt of his voice was the most relaxing thing I’d ever experienced.
My body began to relax. My mind, however, was a different story. I found it very difficult to let go of my racing thoughts. In my head, I was warring over whether I could accept Max’s love or not. I wanted to trust him, to believe that he loved me, but there were so many reasons why he wouldn’t.
I sighed and tried to focus past those thoughts. I needed to find my place of peace, where I could hear that still voice.
Deeper and deeper I drifted into my own thoughts. Flashes of being teased as a child, moments of embarrassment as an adult, all flooded my mind. It was as if my psyche was attempting to break down any chance of my building confidence. Worst of all was the way I felt about my writing. On the surface, I was confident and proud of what I’d created, but underneath I wondered if I would ever be a great writer. Anyone could type out a few words and string them together into a book. It took a true writer to create a great story.
Deeper and deeper I drifted, hoping that I could reach some part of myself that was confident.
As I fought my way toward this peaceful place, I didn’t really notice the sound that surrounded me. It wasn’t until I felt a rush of water against my skin that I opened my eyes. I was confused at first. I wondered if I’d been dreaming. I forgot where I was and why I was there. Water hitting my skin made no sense to me.
“Samantha, Samantha, we have to leave the room.”
My teacher stood over me, clinging to his towel. I noticed that his skin was dripping wet too. I looked up to see that the sprinklers in the ceiling were spraying water everywhere.
“I’m sorry. I must have knocked over one of my candles and slipped into a trance. The fire department is on its way. There’s no danger, but we have to leave the room so that they can evaluate the situation.”
I pulled myself to my feet. I was relieved that I’d left my clothes on.
“Don’t you have something to put on?”
“That’s what caught on fire.” He smiled sheepishly. “I guess the lesson today is to accept my vulnerability.”
That word struck me as we hurried out of the room. It was the second time someone had mentioned it to me. As I stood beside him and watched the firefighters march inside, I felt grateful not to be the one wearing a towel. Then I glanced down at my shirt. My white thin shirt. I could clearly see my bra—and more—through it.
I ducked behind the man who was covering himself with only a towel. Somehow I felt more exposed than he was.
Maybe that was the problem.
I had been through circumstances where I’d been exposed physically due to an accident or other issues, but I’d never willingly exposed myself. Even with Max, we were taking things very slow physically. But it wasn’t just about my physical body. It was also about my heart. I hadn’t exposed that either.
I decided in that moment that I was going to try to be more vulnerable.
Making the choice to be more vulnerable opened up an entire new world to me.
Lately, I’d been using all of my energy to prevent myself from being vulnerable. I did what I could to keep from ever leaving myself open to being hurt.
Now I knew that if I wanted to find a way to trust Max, I was going to have to take a risk and expose myself in ways I never considered possible.
My fingers flew across the keys, not limited by my insecurities attempting to tuck myself safely away from the words I was writing.
By the time I curled up in bed I’d gotten more work done in a few hours than I had all week. I even fell asleep without having to convince my mind to slow down.
Chapter 22
Before I knew it the alarm clock beside my bed was buzzing. I was reluctant to wake up. Since becoming a writer, I’d let myself sleep and wake when I pleased. An alarm had become a relic of my life as a working stiff. But I’d set it to make sure that I woke up in time for my surfing lesson with Max.
I pulled myself out of bed and half-stumbled into the bathroom after putting my bathing suit on.
All that I’d discovered about vulnerability went right out the window when I looked at myself in the mirror. The thought of Max seeing me in my bathing suit made me cringe. I grabbed a large white nightgown that I’d kept from my larger days. I pulled it on and was satisfied to see that it covered every inch of me. Maybe being exposed was supposed to help me learn to trust, but I wasn’t ready for that exposure to take place in a bathing suit.
I heard a sharp knock on the door and knew that it was Max. I rushed to let him in.
Seeing Max standing there was like taking a breath for the first time.
“What are you wearing?” Max did his best to smile but his eyebrow was still raised.
“It’s just a cover-up. So I don’t get cold on the way.”
“I see.” He tilted his head to the side. “I don’t think you’re in any danger of freezing.” He held his hand out to me. “It’s good to see you. I missed you.”
My heart melted at his words. I hugged him and breathed in the scent of his cologne. It hit me then that I had missed him too. I might have been trying to find myself, but Max was a part of all parts of me. I held him so tight that he must have noticed.
“As much as I’m enjoying this, we’re going to miss our lesson if we don’t get going. It seemed important to you when you suggested it.”
“You’re right.” I took one more deep breath of his scent and then pulled away from him.
“You okay, sweetheart?”
“I am.”
“You would tell me if you weren’t?”
“Sure.”
He shook his head but he didn’t question me any further. He held the door open for me.
Max’s car was always one of my favorite places to be. I had yet to figure out why. Maybe it was that his radio always seemed to be playing a good song. Or maybe it was because he’d kept the same brand of vanilla air freshener in it since we were in college. I always associated it with a fun place to be. That morning was no different.
“I’m really glad you planned this. We haven’t been out on many adventures together lately.”
I smiled. “I love getting to spend time with you.”
“Do you?” He stared through the windshield.
“What do you mean? Of course I do.”
“I mean, if you think I’m holding you back from success, all you have to do is tell me.”
“Oh, Max, I don’t think that at all. I just needed to refocus.”
“On something other than me.” He laughed a little. “I can see why you would need to do that.” He turned in to the parking lot beside the beach.
“It’s not like that at all, Max, I promise.”
He frowned and turned off the car. Then he looked over at me. “Sammy, I get that we’re separate people, we’re going to have separate emotions, and that sometimes you’re going to need some space. I just want to know what’s going on in your head, that’s all. Okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded. I almost told him the truth, but I still couldn’t bring myself to do it.
We walked down toward the water. The morning air was warm already. Max headed straight for the edge of the water.
“Are you going to take that off?” He sunk his feet into the shallow water.
“Sammy.” Max’s hands seized my hips. “The only reason I got up this early with a smile on my face was because I knew I would get the chance to see you in a swimsuit.”
“Oh, please.” I rolled my eyes.
He tightened his grip on my hips. “What?”
“Oh, Max, you don’t have to pretend that you find my body appealing in a swimsuit.” I shook my head.
“Samantha!” He sighed and tugged me close to him. “Is that what this cover-up is all about? Do you think I don’t adore every inch of you? I mean, seriously, Sammy, what have we been doing for a year if you really don’t think I find you attractive?”
“I just feel uncomfortable in only a swimsuit.”
“You should never feel uncomfortable around me, Sammy. I adore you. You’re gorgeous.”
“I’d be gorgeous if I was a size two.” I started to turn away from him.
He turned me back toward him by pivoting my hips.
“That’s true, you would be. You would also be gorgeous at a size twenty-eight—just like you’re gorgeous now.” He sighed with frustration. “I don’t understand why that’s so hard for you to believe.”
“You forget, Max. I’ve seen the women that you’ve dated. None of them were my size—not even Stephanie.”
“You’re bringing up Stephanie now?” Max’s eyes narrowed. “Fine, you saw the women I dated. I saw the men you dated. None of them looked just like me. So what? Were you not attracted to any of them?”
The Girlfriend (Single Wide Female in Love, Book 2) Page 7