I frowned. He had a point. It always aggravated me when he had a point. “It’s not the same and you know it.”
“Why? Because you’ve decided that I can’t possibly be attracted to you? Is that what you really believe, Sammy?” He lifted his hands from my hips to my waist and, as if he could see the hesitation in my eyes, he shook his head. “No, I want a real answer this time. Is that what’s been going on with you? You think I’m not attracted to you? Because we both agreed to take things slow, and I’ve tried to be respectful of that.”
“I know. No, it’s not what I believe.”
“Then prove it.”
“How?”
“Take it off. Right now. I want to see your beautiful body. That’s why I skipped my coffee this morning.”
Chapter 23
I laughed, but Max’s expression was stern. I could tell that he wanted me to do what he asked. I just wasn’t sure if I could bring myself to do it. There were joggers on the beach. Not to mention the surf instructor, who was heading toward us. He looked like he had never eaten a carb in his life, or met a weight he couldn’t lift. Yet Max wanted me to pull the cover-up off in front of him and all these other people?
“Maybe we should just go. This was a bad idea.”
“No. Sammy, you just told me that you believed I was attracted to you. Don’t you know how proud I am to be with you? Don’t you think I want to show you off now and then? I mean, I know that’s a chauvinistic thing to say, but it’s the truth. Don’t you believe that?”
I lowered my eyes. I absolutely did not believe it. Most of the time I figured that Max just loved my personality so much that he could overlook my body. The idea of his wanting to show me off never even crossed my mind.
“Please, Sammy. After all the hard work you’ve done, you should be so proud of yourself. I loved you a bucket list ago, I love you just as much now. But I feel like you’re hiding yourself from me.”
I looked out at the swimmers in the water, then back at Max. To him, it was a simple thing that he was asking from me, but for me, it was akin to moving a mountain. He was right, though. I had worked very hard on building my confidence. A few months before, I would have already been playing in the water with him. But since he hadn’t proposed, all of my insecurities had come back up.
“I’m not hiding.” I looked into his eyes. “I love you, Max.”
“Then take this off.” He grabbed the hem of the cover-up, but he didn’t lift it. Instead, he took my hand and guided it to the hem. “I’m not going to watch you hide yourself when you should be proud of your beauty. Plus, I was looking forward to putting sunscreen on your back.”
I had to laugh a little at his crooked smile. Max always knew how to break the tension for me and put me at ease. I took a deep breath of the sea air. I remembered that in order to trust, I was going to have to be vulnerable.
I tugged the hem of the cover-up up along my body and started to tug it off. At least I tried to. I couldn’t quite get it past my shoulders, and had somehow gotten my elbows wedged in. As I wiggled in an attempt to free myself I heard Max trying not to laugh. Then I felt his hands freeing me from my cover-up cocoon. When he finally got it off, he tossed it into the sand.
“Beautiful.” He smiled at me. I noticed that he took the time to appreciate every aspect of my figure. I’d have thought I would be mortified by his looking so intently at me. Instead, I felt like a work of art. He looked at me with such love in his eyes, that I remembered it was possible to love my body exactly the way it was.
“You two ready to head out?”
The surf instructor had walked up, and I hadn’t even noticed him. The joggers still jogged. The swimmers still swam. But I didn’t care. Max looked at me with so much affection that I wondered if he might try to cancel the lesson after all.
“We’re ready.” Max took my hand in his. “We just need a minute to apply sunscreen.”
The instant Max started rubbing sunscreen on to my back, all of my regret about taking my cover-up off vanished. He massaged my shoulders a little when he was finished.
“I think I did a good job.”
“My turn?” I grabbed the tube from him.
“Oh yeah, slather it on. I’ve been stuck in the office way too long. I don’t want to get crispy.”
I savored the opportunity to apply sunscreen to Max. He had a bunch of little freckles along his shoulder blades. I’d seen him shirtless plenty of times. He always kept himself fit, but I didn’t care about that. My favorite part of his body were those little freckles. I lost myself in the sweeping motion as I coated his back.
“Guys, we only have an hour!”
The instructor’s voice jolted me out of the relaxed state I’d settled into.
“Don’t stop.” Max glanced over his shoulder at me.
“Max, we have the class.”
“Ah, fine.” He sighed.
I kissed his cheek. I didn’t even care that he tasted like sunscreen. I was certain that our day together was going to be magical.
The instructor took some time with us to teach us about the board. On the sand he showed us how we should climb on the board and how to stand up.
“You guys have this. Why don’t you take one out on the water and you can take turns practicing?”
I was looking forward to getting in the water. I was already covered in sand and, although my swimsuit still fit well, it was starting to chaff in unexpected places.
Max picked up one of the boards and waded into the water. I followed close behind him.
“Go right past the breakers, no further. I will have my eye on you.”
“I don’t know about this.” Max laughed. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to get up on this thing.”
“Sure you will.” I steadied the board. “I’m here to help.”
“Great.”
Chapter 24
Max hopped up onto the surfboard. It was slippery and he slid right off the other side.
“Max, are you okay?” I tried not to laugh.
He came sputtering to the surface. “I think so. Oh, you think it’s funny?”
“No!” I giggled.
“Okay, your turn.” He held the board as I tried to climb on. With all of the sunscreen I’d applied, I was quite slippery. I slipped and slid all over the board but managed to hold on. I tried to get to my feet.
“You’re doing it! You’re doing it!” Max grinned.
I was doing it. I really was. Until a wave broke over the board and washed me right off it. I flipped under the water and couldn’t tell if I was upright or upside down. I felt around for the board—for anything to pull me up out of the water. Max grabbed me by the arm and pulled me up.
“Are you okay?”
I gasped for air. My eyes burned from the salt water. It had been terrifying to feel like I would never find the surface. I clung to Max tightly. He held me in his arms and I felt how fast his heart was pounding. I knew then that he had been as frightened as I was.
“Maybe no more surfing?”
“No more surfing.” I nodded against his chest.
He plucked the surfboard out of the water and tucked it under his arm. He kept his other arm around me as we made our way to the shore. The instructor, who had promised to have his eye on me, was busy flirting with a jogger.
“Are you guys done?”
“Yes.” Max and I answered at the same time.
“That was quite an adventure.” Max led me to the car. He pulled out a couple of towels from the trunk and handed me one.
As I dried off I thought about putting my cover-up back on, but I decided against it. I felt comfortable around Max again. He had proven yet again that I could trust him with my life—but I still wasn’t sure about my heart.
“You doing okay? That was pretty scary.” He rubbed the towel along my arms to warm me up.
“I’m okay. Good thing you were there.”
“I will always be here.” He hugged me. “I love you.”
&
nbsp; I willed myself to believe him. I wanted to feel that trust for him in the core of me. All I could think was—Until you get bored, until you get tired of me, until you find someone pretty and younger.
“Sammy?” He rested his forehead against mine. “You’re not going to break my heart, are you?”
The question startled me right out of the parade of insults in my mind. Did Max really think I was capable of breaking his heart? Did he really think I would ever want anyone other than him?
“Max, why would you ask me that?”
He frowned and pulled away so that he could look into my eyes. “I know that you’ve watched me go through relationships like I was changing clothes. I know that in the past I acted like I would never fall in love. To be honest with you, I’ve never been this vulnerable before. I cared about the women I was with, but I wasn’t in love with them. I’m in love with you. I also know you. I don’t know why, but I know that you’re holding back. I’m just telling you now, if this isn’t what you want, be honest with me. Let me know now. Okay?”
My heart lurched with every word he spoke. Had I been so caught up in my own insecurities that I was completely blind to the fact that Max had plenty of his own? I was horrified that he would even question my love for him. That was when the sick feeling hit the pit of my stomach as I realized that I was doing the same to him.
“I’m not going to break your heart, Max. I promise.”
“I believe you.” He smiled just enough to put me at ease. Then he took both of my hands in his. “I’m not going to break your heart either. Do you believe me, Sammy?”
I parted my lips to answer, but he shook his head.
“Don’t. The answer doesn’t matter to me as much as it does to you. I want you to know the answer.”
“Max, it’s been an amazing year.”
“First of many, right?”
“Right.” I kissed him.
As we drove back toward the apartment Max glanced over at me. “Do you want to check out that new movie you wanted to see? I’m free all day.”
“No, I can’t. I’ve got to get some work done.”
“But you’ve been working.” He stared out through the windshield. “I thought maybe we’d have some time to spend together today.”
“I’m sorry, Max—it’s just that I got stuck on this one chapter and I can’t seem to move forward from it. I really need to just dig into it and see if I can make some real progress.”
“Okay. You know I support your writing, but is there going to be some time for us to get together soon?”
“Sure, of course there will be. You’re busy, I’m busy.” I shrugged.
He looked over at me. Then he turned into the parking lot of my apartment building. I thought he had dropped the subject. Until he parked the car and looked over at me again.
“I’m not too busy to make time for you, Sammy. I’m telling you, I’d like to see you. Some time soon. Okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded. I wanted to tell him to come in and spend the day with me—that we should go to the movies, or just hang out. But I didn’t. Because the question he asked me was still rolling around in my head. I was afraid that he was going to ask me again.
“So you’ll text me?”
“Yes.”
“Promise?”
“Yes.” I leaned over and hugged him. “Soon.”
Chapter 25
As I walked into my apartment I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. More than anything, I wanted to be able to answer Max’s question.
I took a shower to wash off the sand. I remembered what it felt like to have him pull me up out of the water. I loved him so very much, and I felt like I was putting everything that we had together at risk, all because I couldn’t get over this last hurdle of trust.
I dressed for the day and decided to at least attempt to work. I wasn’t really behind—and I felt rather terrible for telling Max that—but I needed to feel like I was getting somewhere. I hoped that if I immersed myself in my book, I’d find some secret as to why I couldn’t move forward.
As soon as I started typing, I felt my world shift. It was much easier to slip into the world of fiction that I created than it was to deal with the reality of the chaos that my life had become.
After lunch and a few more chapters, I was very sore from sitting at the computer for so long. I also felt disconnected and strange as I tried to re-enter the real world. I decided a good dose of yoga would help with the stiff body as well as the stuck mind.
I popped in one of my DVDs and turned on my favorite song on my phone. I popped in my earbuds and began stretching into the positions that the limber woman on the television screen made look so easy. They were not easy for me, though with practice they’d gotten a bit easier.
As I stretched, I closed my eyes. I knew the routine by heart. I used the DVD for timing and to correct my movements when they felt off-kilter. My muscles began to warm almost as soon as I started. It wasn’t long before I felt downright hot. I tugged off my top so that I was just in my bra. Then I continued to stretch. I was getting so into the flow of the music and the movement that I didn’t notice when my apartment door opened. It wasn’t until the DVD ended that I pulled out my earbuds.
“Sammy.”
“Oh my god!” I jumped up from the mat and got my feet caught in my discarded shirt. My arms swung like bicycle spokes as I tried to catch myself.
Max rushed forward and caught me easily, sweat-soaked shirt-free skin and all.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He winced. “I knocked, you didn’t answer. I let myself in and I didn’t want to interrupt you.”
“You were watching me?” I looked into his eyes as I straightened up.
“I couldn’t help it. You were mesmerizing.”
“It’s okay, Max. I just didn’t expect to see you.”
“Look, I know that we talked about this earlier, but I just didn’t feel right about it. Sammy, am I going crazy?” He stared into my eyes. “Is this all in my head or are you really pulling away from me?”
Confronted by the fear in his eyes, my heart ached with regret. I had let Max get to the point of doubting my love for him.
“No, you’re not crazy.” I blinked back tears.
“Sammy.” Max swept his hand back through his hair as if he needed to see more clearly. “Are you saying that you don’t want to be with me?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying—not at all!” I grabbed his hands and pulled him toward me. It was such a reckless motion that it nearly knocked us both off balance. “I love you, Max. I’m just having a hard time accepting that you really love me.”
“But why?” Max drew his hands away from mine and shook them with frustration. “I’ve gone out of my way to make sure that you know how I feel about you. You are the love of my life. Why do you continue to doubt that? Is it something I’m doing? Is it something that I’m not doing?”
“No, Max, it has nothing to do with you. I just can’t seem to get my head on straight.”
“Sammy, you used to tell me everything. Now I feel like everything is a secret, or a vague response, or at best a short little text.”
“Max, I—”
“Listen, I’m not trying to force you into anything that you don’t want.”
“I do want it!”
“Then why are you doing this?” He shook his head. “I feel like one minute we’re back to normal and the next you’re just gone.”
“I had my feelings hurt.” I didn’t know what else to say it, how else to explain it.
“I hurt your feelings? How?”
“No, I hurt my own feelings. Max, it’s impossible for you to understand.” He stared at me with heat in his eyes.
“You’re right, it is. Because you won’t tell me. I need some air.” He turned and walked out of the apartment.
I started to go after him but when the outside air hit my chest I remembered that I was shirtless. I shivered a little and ducked back inside to grab my sh
irt. Before I could, Max stepped back inside.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come over.”
I tugged my shirt on. “That’s not true, Max. I love seeing you.”
“But you have something going on. That should be enough, I guess. You shouldn’t have to explain yourself to me.”
“I promise. I’m trying to figure it all out.”
He nodded, then met my eyes. “I know you are. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
He offered a light kiss. I noticed it was a little quick and cold. I couldn’t blame him. Max was confused. I was too. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to trust him, but somehow I couldn’t get my heart and my brain to connect.
Chapter 26
That night as I lay awake in bed trying to sort through my emotions, I thought I finally realized what the problem was. I felt powerless. I felt as if I didn’t have control over my life any more. Instead of making decisions and going on adventures, I’d put everything on hold while I waited for Max to propose. What I needed to do was stop waiting!
I got so excited that I hopped out of bed and headed straight for my computer. I began researching my idea.
I soon discovered that I wasn’t the only one with the idea. I even got into a few chat rooms filled with women who were planning, or had already succeeded in doing, what I thought might just be the solution to my problems.
The most difficult part was my patience growing thin as I waited for the sun to rise. As soon as it was up, I started making calls. I called a few places until I found a great deal.
“So, this is for a couples massage?”
“Yes, I’m sure you will both enjoy it.”
“Do you have anything available for this afternoon?”
“Sure. You tell me when and I’ll tell you where.”
I knew that it had to be meant to be if it was flowing so easily. I booked the appointment for the afternoon. Then I sent Max a text with the address and the time.
The Girlfriend (Single Wide Female in Love, Book 2) Page 8