Lost Girls

by Caitlin Rother

  Noting excerpts from Dr. Carroll’s psychiatric evaluation, the probation officer said the doctor “finds pervasive oddness” in this case. Also noting that John was still in deep denial about his criminal offense, the officer submitted a set of damning conclusions for the sentencing hearing, emphasizing that John claimed total innocence, and that the girl’s domineering mother was responsible for her injuries. The incomprehensible nature of his crime and his refusal to accept any culpability whatsoever prevented the officer from recommending John for probation. The degree to which the defendant violated the trust of the young, unsophisticated victim makes this crime reprehensible, he wrote. The girl knew him as her neighbor, and after “hanging out” together with a group of friends, he had the victim’s complete trust. The fact that he would try to force himself on her sexually is indefensible, but then to beat her up as he did, out of frustration or predation, represents a qualitative leap to extremely serious criminal behavior. Thankfully, the victim wasn’t seriously hurt, he wrote, but the girl’s psychological trauma was certainly bad enough.

  The officer recommended that John be given the middle terms for both charges, which translated into six rather than the maximum eight years for the lewd acts, which would be the principal term. And, rather than serving three consecutive terms, he recommended they be served concurrently, for a total of six years.

  Judge Peter Deddeh agreed.

  More than a decade later, Cathy looked back over this incident with a new perspective and tried to figure out what had really happened that day with Monica. She came up with a theory that fell somewhere in the middle of the two parties’ stories.

  She could never be sure about the dynamics, but she did believe some kind of sexual interaction must have occurred between John and Monica. Perhaps he had a strange reaction to the cold medication, she said, or even had a psychotic break.

  “He denies there was any sexual contact,” she said. “I think in his mind he was able to convince himself of that because there was no penetration. So my guess is there probably was some contact. I’m not sure he’d initiate contact with her, but I really do believe that it happened because she was available and willing. He responded, and when it didn’t go whatever way ... then I think he hit her.”

  Cathy couldn’t help but wonder if her son would have turned into a killer if he’d gotten the mental-health treatment she and Dr. Kikani had recommended, rather than a prison term. That he went on to murder Chelsea and Amber, she said, clearly showed “this is a person who desperately needed mental-health treatment.”

  Chapter 14

  John Gardner became a changed man while he was in prison, and not in a good way. He lost many of his sweet boyish qualities and became more bitter and angry, a ticking time bomb.

  “I do believe prison ruined him,” Patricia Walker said in 2011, noting that he didn’t even talk the same anymore. “The person he was is gone. It’s very sad.”

  Gardner entered the California prison system at Richard J. Donovan Correctional Facility in Otay Mesa, a reception center in southern San Diego County, near the Mexican border, on September 18, 2000. Viewed as an escape risk and a “threat to the safety and security of the institution,” Gardner was kept in protective custody until prison officials determined which prison to send him to. In December, he was transferred to the California Correctional Institution (CCI) in Tehachapi, about thirty-five miles from Bakersfield.

  While her son was in prison, Cathy did everything she could to prevent him from becoming hardened and institutionalized, driving four to six hours each way to see him every three weeks.

  “I didn’t want him to be a statistic, to be returned to prison,” she said. “We were trying everything to do the best we could with an ugly situation.”

  He wrote many letters to his mother, which were typically rife with spelling errors. Mostly, he wrote to ask her to send him tobacco, coffee and food items, such as smoked oysters, but also shared whatever small news he had. His goofy boyish side came out in his signatures—“Lil John,” “Your Baby John,” and “Pooh Bear”—as well as in the creative diagrams he drew of his cell (six by twelve feet), his hand-drawn Mother’s Day card, and the funny poems he sent her.

  Trying to amuse himself behind bars, he told her he was doing math problems and reading fiction, asking her to send a dictionary to help him understand new words.

  I’ve been reading Tom Clancy books, wow those are hard to read. I found out the books I like the most are ones that movie writters made, he wrote, revealing his poor spelling, grammar and punctuation skills. Tom Clancy ... That jurras-sic park guy. Scifi (Smile). But, he told her, he didn’t like horror stories. Books: I like all kinds exept Steven King. He goes into to much detail.

  Sometimes he mentioned the efforts he was taking, despite his plea bargain, to appeal his conviction, which included writing lawyers and ultimately preparing a writ of habeas corpus: I want out!!! I wrote to the Calif. Appellate Project. I’m hoping they will help.

  He told his mother that he felt better, now that he could tell her things he couldn’t before: I never felt like you really listened but just heard what you wanted. I see I was wrong. Anyway, at the end of the court crap after the lie detector test you asked me in not so nice tone “what happened.” I told you I didn’t want to talk about it and you wouldn’t leave me alone. I just gave up and said I did it. You did leave me alone after that and I thought that’s what you wanted to hear. I thought you just didn’t want me going to prison for nothing and needed something to feel better about. I didn’t do it. I couldn’t ever do that. I was just so upset and afraid I didn’t want to hear it. I can’t tell you a thing about the lie detector, I don’t know. But out of 30 [questions], I got 26 wrong. My name was one of them. I was so nervous I didn’t even know it. I kept thinking of going to jail and got butterflies in my stomach. Every time he said that little bitch’s name I got so mad.

  Gardner also wrote letters to his father, who lived only forty-five minutes from the prison and came to visit several times, once with Deanna. Still believing that their Li’l John was innocent, his father and stepmother bought Gardner a soda from one of the vending machines. They talked about how he was doing, and how the guards were treating him.

  His sister Melissa came to visit as well, believing everything that Cathy had told her about the neighbor girl wrongly accusing him out of jealousy. Six years was way too long to be in prison just for making out with a young girl, she thought.

  “I always thought he was a guy who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and that her parents were upset because he was dating somebody underage,” Melissa said in 2011. “I had no idea that he hit her.”

  If she’d known the truth, she said, she never would have wanted him around her kids.

  Once Gardner was behind bars, Cathy helped him file a writ of habeas corpus, of which William Halsey later said he wasn’t even aware. The writ claimed the court imposed an illegal sentence of multiple punishments for a single course of conduct, and accused Halsey of providing ineffective assistance of counsel.

  In October 2002, superior court judge Federico Castro issued a ruling denying the writ, stating that Gardner’s arguments were “not well taken.”

  The judge stated that Gardner’s acts were not a single brief course of conduct because he left the living room and went upstairs. (The original three counts stemmed from the acts downstairs, upstairs and back downstairs, but the third count was dropped in the plea.)

  Not only was that a separate incident, but it also allowed petitioner time to reflect on his behavior and yet he still resumed that behavior once he was upstairs, the judge wrote.

  The judge also noted that Gardner was given a concurrent sentence for these consecutive acts, so the sentence was not against the law. Furthermore, Gardner was aware that he was being sentenced for these two distinct acts because he indicated as such when he signed and initialed the plea agreement. He did so, freely and voluntarily, without fear or threat to himself or anyone c
losely related to him, knowing that he was not going to be given any deals with regard to sentencing.

  In the writ, Gardner faulted Halsey for failing to present witnesses and present evidence, citing the video surveillance tape from the gas station that would have shown he was there when Monica said the crime had occurred. Although the video had been reused, Gardner said, a witness at the station could have testified to his presence there.

  The judge ruled that these were all trial issues, and because Gardner accepted the plea bargain, he gave up his opportunity to present evidence. Secondly, the tape and/or a witness would not have made any difference, because Gardner ultimately admitted to being at his condo, when and where the assault occurred.

  Gardner also accused Halsey of giving him misleading advice concerning his plea bargain and possible sentence. He said Halsey told him on numerous occasions that he was facing thirty-two years in prison and that he didn’t think they could do any better at trial than the six years offered in the plea bargain, because it was his word against the prosecution’s witnesses, including the victim. Gardner said he never would’ve signed the plea agreement if the attorney had informed him of the proper laws and sentencing.

  The judge pointed out that Gardner was, in fact, facing mandatory consecutive sentences for the three charges of lewd acts, so his counsel’s advice was accurate. And, once again, Gardner didn’t have to sign the agreement.

  Finally Gardner complained that Halsey twice failed to appear in court, and as a result, a public defender or an associate was provided in his absence. The judge pointed out that at neither time was “petitioner without representation,” nor had Gardner established in any of these claims that he’d been prejudiced in this case.

  Addressing Cathy’s claims about his daughter, William Halsey acknowledged in 2011 that his three-year-old had broken her leg at day care and had been in a body cast while the case was going on. However, he said, “I don’t think that affected me at all in my practice.”

  If he’d mishandled the case, he said, then why hadn’t Gardner been able to find someone else to take it? Ultimately, he said, he didn’t care what Dr. Kikani said about Gardner being bipolar.

  Sure, John Gardner had mental problems, he said, but “that’s not why he did this.”

  At Tehachapi, Gardner passed the time by taking classes, including a vocational drafting course, and working various jobs. Sometimes he refused to report to work because he didn’t like the duties. He served for two months as an assignment clerk, six months as a teaching assistant in math and English for students who spoke English as a second language, and three months cutting threads and trimming fabric in the Prison Industry Authority’s clothing operation. He also worked as a porter.

  Gardner’s supervisor praised his work as a teacher’s assistant from September 2002 through January 2003, noting that Gardner was an excellent T/A, enjoys what he is doing and motivates the students. Runs the classroom math program and has generated great enthusiasm.

  Still, Gardner began to deteriorate mentally and developed some medical issues, all of which contributed to disciplinary problems. In April 2002, he complained to his mother that he was passing out, and was experiencing headaches, hot flashes, nausea, an irregular heartbeat and dizziness.

  He tried to cope by making light of his mental problems, writing a poem to his mom in December 2002:

  My brain is half fried, sometimes it plays tricks.

  I guess it doesn’t matter if I can’t remember.

  Hell I’m swell to remember December.

  In any case Mother I send you my love... . What in

  the hell were we talking about?

  Oh yeah, Grandma’s incontinence ... I mean Christmas.

  I’m not being smart, no I’m not a smarty.

  It’s just me and the little voices, we wanna party.

  It’s Christmas-n-me-n-those guys we rejoices.

  Pity that it’s only me hears their voices... .

  A Big Merry Christmas ... From Me and Them All!!!

  Gardner wanted to try to sell his verses to greeting card companies, but the prison denied his request to solicit Hallmark, American Greetings and Allen & John Inc., citing regulations prohibiting inmates from actively engaging in a business or profession.

  Things got more serious in May 2003, when Gardner was placed in an outpatient housing unit “for self-protection” and “protection of others,” after admitting to “violent fantasies about hurting others,” his medical records show.

  He describes a pattern of getting very worked up, then having a hard time letting go of his anger or frustration, the doctor’s notes state. He was seen as manic by Dr. [illegible name] in Dec. of ’02. He is refusing medication... . He is very angry. He states he feels like going off on someone “anyone, esp[ecially] a doctor.”

  Gardner claimed he’d already tried twenty-six different meds, all with side effects, but agreed to try a low dose of Zyprexa, five milligrams, to decrease his “emotional agitation.” He calmed down sufficiently to be discharged within twenty-four hours, no longer feeling suicidal or homicidal.

  That August, Gardner got in trouble for wearing his New Balance athletic shoes in the afternoon, which was prohibited. He was told to return to his cell and change, but he came back wearing the same thing.

  When asked why he refused a direct order to change clothes Gardner would not or could not respond. Gardner was listless and seemed unable to understand simple questions and appeared to be under the influence of a controlled substance. Gardner was placed in a holding cell and asked to provide a urine sample... . Gardner was given a property receipt for his New Balance shoes and released.

  Based on the dates in his records, it sounds like the medications made him fuzzy, because he later reported to doctors that in October 2003 he’d refused to take any more Depakote or Zyprexa, saying the drugs made him feel “too sedated.”

  Gardner was also disciplined five times for smoking cigarettes in the dorm, from April 2001 through November 2003. He was caught sitting in a flower bed and searched, during which time he handed a Bic butane lighter to the correctional officer, saying, “It doesn’t work, anyway. All it has is the flint.” At a hearing over the “possession of dangerous contraband” violation, when he reeked of cigarette smoke, he said he wanted the lighter fingerprinted because he didn’t remember the incident.

  By January 2004, his homicidal thoughts had escalated again. After voicing threats to kill the correctional officers, he was admitted to the Correctional Treatment Center, a psychiatric facility, on January 29.

  Inmate stated that correctional officers trying to have him killed. So he is going to kill any inmate or correctional officers. He wants to kill his victim, the church and others, his medical records say. Stated that some staff members had exasperated him and consequently he threatened to assault them.

  The doctors put him on Depakote again, and although he denied feeling suicidal, they placed him on suicide watch, with paper clothes, a mattress, and two suicide blankets (which are tear-resistant to prevent a person from forming a noose, and sometimes resemble a horse blanket with holes for the head, legs and arms). He exhibited these symptoms: very animated demeanor, hypomanic, hypoverbal, rambling [speech], inappropriate laughter, verbally self-stimulating, agitation, impulsive, with an initial diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder with mixed symptoms (meaning mania and depressive symptoms are occurring simultaneously); polysubstance abuse (his social/family history cited a “long history of substance abuse, marijuana and alcohol,” with an alcoholic/drug addict father); and a secondary diagnosis of a personality disorder NOS, short for “not otherwise specified.”

  Gardner told doctors that he’d hit his head and lost consciousness while playing hockey in 1997 and 1998, and had been having chronic blackouts. The doctors’ notes stated that Gardner was experiencing intense and dramatic fantasies re: “Columbine-like” actions, (“They’re cool”)... . “I don’t care about consequences ”... . Claims [correctional officers] ...
trying to “have me killed” [and were] spreading rumors, “I’m a homosexual—which I’m not.”

  “I won’t go back to CCI,” he said, referring to the Tehachapi prison.

  On February 3, the doctor’s note stated that Gardner was pacing around his cell, expressing fear of being sent back to CCI, and continued to be obsessed with thoughts of killing the correctional officers “for revenge”: States he would like to murder his attorney and the judge that sentenced him.

  On February 4, Gardner said, “Still want to do some killing. Nothing will change that!”

  Nonetheless, he was released two days later with no change to his diagnosis and a prescription for Depakote. The staff psychiatrist noted that although Gardner’s mood liability and acute mania had decreased, Gardner had maintained his homicidality toward correctional officers at CCI, “victims and others,” which had included the church and anyone who threatened him.

  Gardner was sent back to Tehachapi on a “five-day suicide step-down with medication regimen,” another term for transferring him from inpatient to outpatient treatment in prison.

  As soon as Gardner got back to CCI on February 6, he was placed in the administrative segregation unit at his request, saying he’d experienced verbal and physical confrontations from other inmates in the general population before he left.

  When he was placed back into the general population on February 17, he reported concerns to staff again, saying that a group of inmates told him to get off the yard and threatened to assault him, but he “would not or could not identify” them.

  Two months later, he was transferred to Avenal State Prison “for safety concerns.”

  According to Cathy, Gardner told her he had a psychotic break after hearing voices, being choked and beaten and watching his cellmate murdered. He knew he would have been killed if he’d tried to help, and that’s why he had to be transferred to Avenal in central California, where he stayed until his five-year term ended.