Upstate

by Kalisha Buckhanon

  Antonio

  December 26, 1990

  Well Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and FUCK YOU TOO! Damn, I was just playing, you need to learn how to take a joke. God, it ain’t that serious. Anyway, thank you for my card although you could have wrote something nasty or nice in it, but I guess you still mad so whatever. Did you get my Christmas card and the Adidas windpants I sent you? I hope the pigs let you have it, but I don’t know how strict they are about the uniform. I mean, ain’t no pockets or nuthin, so I don’t see why they wouldn’t let you wear em (at least to bed so you can get a woody in them when you smell the raspberry mist perfume I sprayed on em!). I thought the card I gave you was cute, with the little monkeys on the front dressed up like Santa Claus. I thought it might make you laugh. This Christmas was actually better than a lot of Christmases we had, even though Grandma was missing. I got a lot of stuff—clothes mostly. My biggest presents was some Guess jeans and a Starter coat. It’s the L.A. Lakers even though I’m a New York girl, but Mommy know I like to wear bright colors—purple and yellow, my favorites. Drew got one too. I guess Mommy think that shit is cute for her kids to match, but she keep forgetting Drew is just a pitiful little seventh-grader and I on the other hand am a grand senior.

  I used my discount to buy Mommy a lot of stuff we needed for the house—a knife set, a blender so we could make some Slim-Fast shakes cause we getting big, and a wok. I don’t know what we gonna cook in the wok cause the only Chinese food I eat is shrimp fried rice, but it just seem fancy to say you got one. Roy bought her a gold necklace that had Grandma’s initials on it: E.P. Earline Preston. It wasn’t no herringbone but I guess it was cute. I took your mother present over last night. Remember I asked you if she would like some vanilla candles? Well, she loved em. She acted like they was some diamond earrings or something. That’s cause I don’t think nobody else got her nothing. Tyler gave her some Christmas ornaments he made in school, Styrofoam snowmen with pipe cleaners. They was hanging on the tree that was sitting on the television. She said her and her sisters don’t never exchange gifts cause they too old for all that. She said she ain’t seen Trevon in days. He probably got him a girlfriend or something somewhere. I mean he do got a little hair on his chest now and you know how y’all start acting with that hair on your chest. I think this year gonna be good, Antonio. For both of us, I hope.

  Merry Christmas,

  Natasha

  PS. Congratulations boy on your GED. I KNEW YOU COULD!!!!!!

  January 4, 1991

  Okay Antonio, I don’t know what’s up with you, but you ain’t wrote me back yet. Maybe you busy. Demands of the job? Got you working late, honey? Ha ha ha, I’m just joking trying to make you laugh. Anyway, when you get a minute hit me back. You can call me too cause for the next two weeks I’m bout to be at home all night working on all my applications. I got a one thousand on the SAT, that’s a good enough job considering where I started. I’m gonna apply to ten schools cause I don’t got to pay because of our income, which basically we ain’t got. I’m even gonna apply to Columbia, although I know I ain’t got a chance in hell of getting in that bitch. I don’t know nobody from our school ever went there and it’s damn near up the Hill. Well, gotta wrap this up cause I gotta make pork chops for dinner and I wanna do one application a night cause they all due this month. I might ask you to look over my essay—they call it a Personal Statement. Oh, and I think I’m gonna have to start talking proper and shit. Me and Tamika and Valencia been practicing cause if we go to college we gotta get that educated dialect together.

  Love,

  Natasha

  PS. Your mother told me that Trevon been smoking up on the regular now, so you might wanna rap to him about his behavior. Oh, I mean Trevon has been smoking marijuana on a regular basis as of late, so you might want to confer with him about his mannerisms. That sounded good baby, didn’t it?!?! Peace out!

  January 11, 1991

  Dear Antonio,

  I’m having a really hard time writing my Personal Statement for college. Mr. Lombard said he would proofread it for me, but I don’t know if I want him to see it. I mean, it is really, really personal. I really don’t know what to say about what I want to do with my life. I feel like these people expect me to have all these great plans like wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer or something else, but all I’m really trying to do right now is survive. You get what I’m saying? I know you feel me. If anybody knows a thing or two about surviving, it’s you. But here is what I think I’m gonna say. Lemme know what you think, if you like it or not.

  Personal Statement

  Natasha Riley

  I don’t know anybody who has ever been to college, so I haven’t had anybody to tell me to go or talk to me about what it’s like. My mother has always called me independent, headstrong, and even stubborn. So I believe my decision to want to go to college is an example of that in my personality. I realize that I might not have had the best education in the world. My school is very crowded, we don’t even have books for half our classes, and most of the time the teacher doesn’t even finish (or start) a lesson because the class is so rowdy. I used to be one of those rowdy kids who didn’t care about school. When I lost my father about six years ago, I didn’t think anything mattered anymore. But something came over me in the last few years that made me want to get serious about my future. I lost my grandmother who I had always been able to depend on, and my best friend in the whole world also went away. A light clicked in my head and I realized that in the end, I had to take care of myself. I decided that going to college is the first step for me to take in order to make sure I will be able to do that. To make up for not going to the best school, I read a lot on my own and I started studying every chance I got. I was also accepted into a special program that allowed me to visit France and leave America for the first time in my life. This program has been really demanding, with meetings on the weekend and after school, plus extra homework and studying. But I have done it and I feel very proud of that. I feel like my participation in this program and surviving some of the things I’ve had to go through means I can accomplish anything I set my mind to—including college. I know it won’t be easy, but I believe in the end I have the potential to be one of the best students in your university.

  January 15, 1991

  Okay Antonio, I don’t know what the hell is going on, what’s wrong with you or what your problem is, but it’s been three weeks since you wrote me back. What’s wrong? Baby, talk to me. I hope you not still mad about what I said about us getting married in jail. Okay baby, fine if it’s that serious and if it’ll make you happy then we can go on ahead and get married in jail. I was just playing really I was. I would do anything for you. Anything.

  Write back soon,

  N

  January 15, 1991

  You would do anything for me, huh? Anything, you lying bitch? Anything like ride another man behind my back? Anything like lose my damn ring even though you probably threw it in the river cause you ain’t wanna be bothered with me no more and didn’t know how to say it? I know what you been doing. I know you been giving pussy to a nigga at your job. I know all about it. I know what kinda whip he pushin, where he live at, I even know he Jamaican. I know he be taking you out to eat after work and taking you to the movies and shit. I know you been staying out late with that nigga. Don’t ask me how I know, I just know.

  Why you had to lie to me? Why you had to make promises you know you wasn’t gonna keep? Why you wrote me all these letters and shit telling me how much you love me and wanna be with me, but as soon as some faggot come along and hold a few dollars under your nose you forget all about that, huh? Typical female, that’s all you are. You forget about me, about what we got, what we worked hard to build up. Benito say I should kill your ass, hold you down and look in your eyes and watch you bleed to death when I slit your throat. He said that’s what he would do, and I believe he would. But I’m a better man than that. You ain’t shit Natasha. You ain’t shit. I wish I would
have never met your ass.

  January 18, 1991

  So you found out about Roland, but baby I can explain. You ain’t gotta tell me who told you cause I already know. Laneice told Black and Black told you, you ain’t even gotta say it. And I can’t even be mad at neither one of them cause she my friend, but that’s her man, her baby’s father, so she gonna tell him everything regardless. And you his boy, his best friend since third grade, so he gonna tell you everything regardless. But baby, Laneice got a tendency to exaggerate. I ain’t been letting Roland take me out all the time. I swear I haven’t. We only went to the movies one time and Apollo once to see TLC and he bring me stuff to eat at work all the time cause he get a longer break than I do cause he ain’t part of sales floor, he part of security and it’s a totally different company. And he really don’t have to work there, he just banging and Macy’s is a cover-up and I told him I didn’t want no part of that. But anyway that’s beside the point. I know you ain’t gonna believe me, but I didn’t fuck him. I swear that on my grandmother’s grave. He wanted to and been asking me, but I won’t let him cause I told him I’m in love with you. I told him me and you had something real, something special, and I didn’t want to fuck it up.

  Everybody been telling me to break up with you, but I can’t. I can’t leave you. I can’t even think about it because all I see is you alone in that terrible place and I don’t know, it just does something to my heart. I swear I didn’t let him do me and if that’s what you heard then that’s a bald-faced lie. We kissed a little bit, that’s all. I don’t know what to say for myself except I was lonely and I was tired of being by myself all the time, hearing my girlz talk about niggas and I wasn’t talking about nobody. I got tired of that. I know it was wrong and I know I shouldn’t have even started kicking it with him and I promise I’m gonna stop. He bought me some new sneaks for Christmas and I wouldn’t even accept them. I won’t ever talk to him again. I’ll even quit my job and get another one if you want me to. I’ll do that for you. I promise I will. I don’t even see him no more. He been on probation anyway at the job for his attendance. I can’t tell you the last time I even saw him. Please don’t be mad at me. You the only one ever been up in this I swear, and you the only one ever will. I promise that too. Baby, please don’t ignore my letters. Write me back soon. You’re the only one I love.

  Love,

  Natasha

  February 1, 1991

  Baby Girl,

  Well Natasha, I been thinking a lot about the shit that went down, about you cheating on me and shit. About some other man on top of you with his stuff all inside of you, making you come. I been thinking about it real hard, so hard it make my head hurt and spots come in front of my eyes and I ain’t been talking much.

  I had to meet with Ms. Harris to talk about what I was gonna try to do as far as my education while I was in here, and I guess I wasn’t doing nothing but hunching my shoulders and nodding cause she told me, Something’s bothering you and you’re obviously not in a position to think clearly because of it. I told her, Ain’t nothing wrong with me that ain’t been wrong. And she said, I’ve gotten to know you very well over the last few months, and you definitely seem different. So I told her about you and what you did. I told her about you creeping behind my back, with somebody who probably look better than me and can put it down better than me. I told her about him having a real job and being able to buy you real shit, not just cards and whatever. I started crying and shit, something I ain’t done in a minute, and I was embarrassed to do it in front of her. But she helped me get myself together, put my head on straight. She basically spit the truth at me, the truth I hadn’t been wanting to face. She was like, Antonio it seems that you and your fiancée are both still very young and have a lot of living to do. Antonio, be honest with yourself. Do you really see this relationship surviving nine more years? I tuned her out, shut my ears and eyes just by thinking the same way I used to when Daddy hit my moms cause I was feeling all hot and red the way I did that day when I threw my files on the floor, and I didn’t want to get in trouble again. But she couldn’t let the issue die. She just kept on going and going … Antonio, your fiancée sounds like a very smart, beautiful girl and I’m pretty sure it’s hard for her to live out her young adulthood without dating or any male interaction. A woman has many needs, Antonio … I just had to cut her off at that point cause she was making it seem like I did something wrong. So I just snapped back, Let’s just get off me and get back to college cause I shouldn’t be discussing my personal bizness with you anyway and I don’t know why I expected you to listen. I should have known you would have taken her side cause you a woman and you all gonna stick together so let me let you get back to what you do best. Then she started that brother shit again. Hold on now brother don’t get mad at me because I’m trying to give you a woman’s perspective, this isn’t my fault and I’m only trying to help you. I told her I didn’t need no help I needed my life back, I needed my woman back, I needed high school back, I needed my boyz back, I needed hugs from my mother back, and if she couldn’t give me that she couldn’t help me. She changed the subject then, and told me, Well, I’m gonna leave your personal “biz” alone and let you deal with that on your own. I’m only going to ask that you think about at least some of what I said. But by then, my time was up so we couldn’t talk about shit anyway.

  Well, she did put something on my head. She was right, Natasha. She was right. We ain’t gonna make it. I mean, we don’t see each other. We can’t share a slice of pizza or get a cherry bomb from Mister Softee together no more. We can’t go to the movies or chill in front of the TV or watch Nick at Nite on the phone together all night. We can’t hold each other and talk about all the things we want to do in life. We can’t make each other feel good the way a man and woman supposed to make each other feel good. We can’t do none of that and without that we ain’t got shit. I’m nothing but a bunch of letters in a box and a few pictures on the wall to you. I’m nothing but a bunch of memories and pictures floating around your head, weighing you down. That’s all I am. Well, you way more than that to me. I forgive you for cheating. I guess. I still want to try to work on the relationship, I still want to get married and stuff when I get out of here. But I understand how you feel and what you going through because I’m going through it too, maybe more than you. The shit ain’t easy. So check this out. If you feel like you need to hook up with other brothers from time to time in order to satisfy your needs then go ahead and do that. I’ll give you permission. I just don’t want to know about it. Keep that shit to yourself so I won’t have to think about it or imagine it in my head. I know you might think I’m crazy by letting you get away with all that, but I just don’t know what else to do. I need somebody to love me, I need to feel like it’s a reason for me to get up and go through the motions every day. You my reason and I’ll do anything to keep you. I need you. You keep me sane. I can’t live without you. So do what you got to do. Just remember who really loves you.

  Antonio

  February 25, 1991

  Antonio,

  I know it’s been a while, baby, since we spoke. We both forgot about Valentine’s Day. I didn’t know what to say to you about my actions. I talked to my mother about you—about us. She told me that if we really love each other, we can get through anything. Even distance and time. I want to believe that what we have is that strong. Did you get my birthday card? Sorry it was late. I just been real busy. A lot of stuff happened since you found out about me and Roland. Me and Ms. Clark been shopping a lot for Laneice. We giving her a baby shower at her aunt’s house out on Long Island and so we been getting decorations and stuff. Plus, me and Mommy gonna be looking for houses pretty soon. She got into that program I was telling you about, the one where we can get a real house to call our own. Well, not a house, but you know what I mean. An apartment, somewhere real nice. So she been telling everybody in our family and we been going out to Jersey to the outlets to get pretty stuff, real nice stuff that deserve to be in
a nice house. Pretty bright pillows and soft rugs and curtains with flowers on them.

  Well, I guess the real reason I haven’t answered your letters is I just figured you was real mad at me and I didn’t really want to aggravate it. I DID NOT DID NOT DID NOT let Roland hit it. I promise I didn’t give it up to him, even though you right, maybe I wanted to. But I ain’t interested in seeing other guys or sleeping with nobody else. That’s not the main thing I think about. I guess the truth is, Antonio, that I want to go somewhere in my life. I really want to bounce out of New York, go somewhere different for a change, see something else. Mommy say I can do anything I want to do if I try hard enough and really put my mind to things. I been thinking lately about how much I liked to read books and write and stuff. I mean, I would rather write letters to you all day than do any real work. So I been looking into some schools where I can do that, maybe be a journalist or something like that. And some of these schools ain’t in New York, so I won’t be able to come see you and feel like I got a real man when I’m gonna be so far away. And I’m not gonna have the time and stuff either. I mean, we did this time management workshop in one of the seminars we gotta go to for my college prep program. They gave us this calendar with all these time slots for every hour on them, and they gave us a fake class schedule. It was like this: I had French class three times a week, English 101 three times a week, College Algebra twice a week and I had to pick a elective for three times a week. I was thinking about taking up something fun like dance since that’s what I like to do in my free time and you know I’m good at that. Member the last homecoming dance we went to, before all this shit broke us up, and how everybody was around me and Laneice in a circle and we was punking everybody who stepped to us and you and Black was the only ones who could handle it? So I was thinking maybe I could be a writer and a choreographer too. But back to the exercise, I had to have a work-study job for fifteen hours a week, house meetings in the dorm once a week, plus exercise at the gym cause I ain’t trying to get fat in college, three hours of study time every day, and one activity which I think is gonna be either student government or the black students group. Definitely the black student organization cause you know I gotta be down for my people. Well, when I filled out the chart I didn’t hardly have no time left for myself. I was bugging out cause I was thinking, when am I gonna get to sleep? I mean, I probably won’t even have as much time as I want to come back to New York and see my mother in her new house. I’m not saying I wanna break up or nothing, I’m just saying maybe we should just take a break for a while. Lemme know what you think about that. I gotta go cause I hear Roy bitching cause I didn’t wash the dishes and I ain’t trying to have him tell Mommy that shit when she get home and ruin her day. I’ll talk to you later, I guess.