by Piper King
“I fucked up, Luce,” he said, sadness creeping into his eyes. “I fucked up real bad. Diesel was there. He’s the only other survivor.”
“Survivor?” I swallowed hard, knowing that whatever he was about to say would change my view on the both of them forever. I knew I needed to hear it, but I braced myself anyway. I took the railing in my hands and felt its familiar rough surface underneath my fingertips, anchoring me to who I was and who I needed to be.
“I got our whole unit killed. Because I was a coward.” Jared ground his teeth together and glanced away, clearly finding it hard to talk about what had happened that day. But I needed to hear it, and he needed to tell it. Speaking the words wouldn’t make the pain go away, but it was a start.
“We were out there. Front lines. We needed to stay put, but all I could hear was the stomp of boots and the metallic sound of guns knocking against each other. It was so loud, so loud in my ears I wanted to scream. I don’t know what came over me, Luce, I really don’t. And every fucking minute of every day I wish I could go back and change it. Do anything but what I did.”
He curled his hands into fists and stared at the ground. A tear leaked out of his eyes, blending with the rain that misted in from the storm. I waited, watching his chest rise and fall and listening to the shuffle of his boots on the floorboards.
“I freaked out.” His voice cracked. “I jumped up and started screaming my fucking face off. It gave away where we were. All our men died. Everyone but me and D.”
I nodded, not knowing what to say. Jared’s shoulders began to shake, and I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, just letting him feel what he’d been bottling up all this time. The guilt he must have felt for what had happened. The pain. He’d made an awful mistake, but having seen him for the past year, I knew he’d paid for it with every single part of his soul.
“You don’t think I’m a coward?” he asked as he finally pulled away.
“I think you were under a tremendous amount of pressure, more pressure than most people can withstand. You cracked. It could happen to anyone. I know it’s awful, but you can’t keep blaming yourself. You need to figure out a way to move on.”
“Diesel didn’t crack,” Jared said quietly. “And neither did his brother.”
“His brother,” I repeated, chills skittering across my skin. “Are you saying that—”
Jared shuffled back, nodding. “And now you know why he just stormed off the way he did. I got his brother killed, Luce. He hates me. It probably destroyed him to see me standing on your front porch.”
30
Even though I was mad as hell, I couldn’t bring myself to steer my truck onto the interstate and leave Exit 276 in my tail lights forever. Instead, I punched the brakes and cut the gas right outside the diner, in a line with a dozen other trucks parked there for the night. My heart battled against all the thoughts running through my mind. Of all the people for Lucy to have in her life, it had to be the asshole who got our entire unit killed, including my baby brother.
Jackson. I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on the steering wheel. It had been a long time since I’d let myself think of my baby brother. His cocky attitude and megawatt smile. He’d been loved by everyone, but no one more than me. But now the only places where he still existed were in the nightmares which plagued me every night. Not nightmares, really. Flashbacks. Every time I closed my eyes, images of the blood and the dirt on his skin flickered like a movie projector stuck on the same frame.
It had all been Jared’s damn fault.
For being a coward? For being a spy? Hell if I knew. They’d investigated the incident and declared his innocence, but I’d still never forget him jumping from our trench and screaming at the enemy to let them know that we were there.
And I would never forget the hollow eyes of my brother—the only person in the world I’d ever loved—as he died in my arms.
Motherfucker. I slammed my fist against the steering wheel. Over and over until my hand exploded from the pain and my ears rung and my cheeks were wet with tears.
My heart felt blasted apart all over again, like I’d fallen into a pit full of grenades. I’d done everything in my power to block people out, to keep myself from feeling, to prevent exactly this, this pit of despair that was swallowing me whole right here and right now. The moment I’d let someone in, my old battle wound got ripped wide open. Truth be told, it had never really healed.
How could I stay here? What did he fucking mean to Lucy? Was he a friend or was he something even more? A kind of something more that I couldn’t stand anyone else to be, much less him. And how could I look at Lucy when I knew she cared for the one person on this planet I felt nothing toward but hate?
But more than that, how could I ever leave?
31
Now that I knew why Diesel had pulled away from me, I would do everything in my power to get him back. He wasn’t the man he liked to pretend to be, tough and cold and sometimes kind of an ass. There had been pockets of time when his true face had shown through the mask. When he’d held our daughter in his strong and muscular arms, when he’d remembered how much I loved the sea, when he’d kissed every inch of my skin, giving more to me than he ever tried to receive.
Behind his walls, he had a heart of gold. He was kind and caring. And he was sad. Hurting. He’d lost his brother, and according to Jared, he’d lost the only friends in the world he’d had.
I didn’t blame him for running away. Not after seeing Jared on my porch.
But when I found him and told him I needed him in my life, he would have to promise me he’d never do this again.
Because even though I understood why he’d done what he’d done and the kind of man he really was, his actions had hurt me, too. He’d promised not to leave, but he’d lied about that. At the first sign of trouble, he’d swung his truck around and driven away as fast as he could. Without an explanation.
He could have told me why.
It wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to Anna.
And it wasn’t fair to my brother, who I couldn’t turn my back on no matter how hard I tried.
Grams watched me as I threw another pair of shorts into my duffel bag, her thin papery arms crossed as she leaned against the doorframe. Her sharp-as-nails eyes followed my every move, and I knew she probably thought I’d lost my damn mind.
Maybe I had.
“Stop packing your bag, Lucy.”
“I know you don’t approve, but this is something I have to do, Grams,” I said, avoiding her gaze. I didn’t want to see the judgement in her eyes. I’d never been able to handle her disappointment in me, and I knew this was just another piece on top of a towering pile of bad decisions I’d made in recent years. At some point, the whole thing would topple to the ground and bury me.
“On the contrary,” she said. “It’s about damn time something got your fire lit again.”
“What?” I paused, tank top dangling in my hands.
Grams shook her head, her feathery white hair swishing on her shoulders. “You’re such a smart girl, Lucy, but sometimes you can miss what’s right in front of your face.”
The baby monitor squeaked and my eyes were drawn to the sound. Anna was only sighing though and then she was right back to sleep. My mind filled with the sight of her tiny little face smiling up at Diesel when he’d cradled her so carefully in his arms, arms that looked like they could lift a tractor trailer off the ground. Yet he’d been more gentle than even I was.
I couldn’t bear the thought of that moment being the only time my baby girl ever laid eyes on her father.
For her, I would go get him back.
For me, too.
“He ran off,” I said. “I thought you’d be pretty mad at him for that.”
“That man is crazy about you and that baby. He’s not going anywhere.” Grams crossed the room and took the tank top out of my hand, turned to tuck it back into my open chest of drawers.
“He left. Last night.” I watch
ed as Grams took another shirt out of the bag and put it away. “Maybe he cares, but it’s a lot more complicated than you know.”
“Oh, but I do know,” Grams said. “Jared told me all about it. Those poor men have been through a lot. No wonder they’re both so broken.”
Broken. It was the perfect word. Diesel needed someone to piece him back together, but how could I do that if he wouldn’t let me try?
“So, you understand why I need to go after him,” I said, shaking my head as she unpacked the rest of my bag. “Why are you stopping me then?”
“Because you don’t need to pack a bag, my sweet girl.” Grams rested her soft hands on my arm and squeezed. “I knew that man wasn’t going to leave his baby girl. Or you. So, I drove the long way here this morning. Past the diner, you see. I happened to see a familiar truck.”
My eyes widened as I suddenly understood, and her words jumpstarted my heart. Diesel hadn’t run off. Not truly. He’d gone and parked a mile away, tucking his truck close by. Maybe he’d been too tired to drive, but I didn’t believe that for a moment. He’d told me before he hated truck stops, and he’d talked about how he’d driven all night many times over the years, never pausing for sleep, especially when he was on a mission to get somewhere fast.
He hadn’t left us.
He’d stayed.
32
Inside the convenience store at the truck stop, I scanned the tiny row of painkillers, desperate to shake the throb in my head and the pain in my eyes. The tepid smell of a dirty toilet eked from a half-open door, and a Top 40 radio station played through tinny speakers overhead. I fucking hated truck stops.
I snatched some generic pills and moved toward the counter to pay. Normally, I didn’t have any problem with half-assed sleep, but last night had been different. I’d tossed and turned, only dropping off here and there, only to be woken by powerful nightmares pounding against my skull like a hammer, limbs thrashing, skin soaked from sweat, voice hoarse from yelling my brother’s name.
I’d woken up like that almost every night of my life since the army, but these had been the worst flashbacks I’d had in a long-ass while.
The open wound of my heart was festering.
After paying for the painkillers and a pack of cigarettes to calm my nerves, I strode out into the morning sunshine. I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do or where the hell I was going to go. Or even if I was going to go.
My feet were stuck in this place.
The parking lot was still and quiet. Most of the truckers had already gotten an early start on their commute, and the few left were still sleeping in. I paused and squinted up at the sky as I sparked a light, cupping my hand around the cigarette to protect the flame from the soft morning breeze. There wasn’t a cloud to be seen. Every trace of last night’s storm had gone just as quickly as it had come.
My eyes were drawn by a flash of yellow, and I turned.
Lucy stood by my truck, her curvy frame drenched in pure sunshine in the form of a yellow dress. It fluttered around her tanned legs, and her long hair curled around her shoulders. I’d rarely ever seen her with her hair down, and she looked so damn pretty. Without even thinking, I began to move toward her. I was drawn to her, inexplicably, and I couldn’t stop my feet no matter how hard I tried.
She shifted her sunglasses to the top of her head and squinted up at me. “Hi.”
“What are you doing here, Lucy?” I asked, taking a long drag on the cigarette. My heart was pounding, my head was throbbing, and it was the only thing keeping me steady. A part of me was thrilled to see her gorgeous face but another part was wary.
“I could ask you the same thing,” she said.
Her eyes met mine. They held so much compassion, so much pity, that it made me take a step back. She’d never looked at me like that before, and after last night, I would have thought she’d be spitting mad. Her attitude could only mean one fucking thing.
“I take it your boyfriend told you what happened then,” I said through measured breaths.
She sighed and shook her head. “He’s not my boyfriend, Diesel. He’s my brother. I tried to tell you last night, but you got so worked up about it all.”
“Your…what?” I stared at her, my mind jerking on the word. Brother, brother, brother. It sent a fresh new wave of pain through my skull.
Jared had mentioned a sister once or twice. A girl adopted into his family because she’d had no other place she could go. He’d spoken of her fondly, almost reverently, like she was some kind of fairy sent here from a different—better—world.
“But he…”
“Was an ass that night? Yeah, I know.” She frowned. “It doesn’t excuse his actions, but Jared was in real bad shape when the army sent him home. He never told me why. Until last night.”
“I can’t believe he’s your fucking brother.” I turned around and took another long drag of the cigarette before tossing it to the ground and crunching it underneath the heel of my boot.
Brother. I couldn’t decide if this was better or worse. Better because it meant they hadn’t shared a bed. And worse because it meant that Jared was a permanent fixture in her life. If I stayed, he’d be around. And every time I saw him, the wound would reopen, wider and wider until it swallowed me whole.
“Please come home with me,” Lucy said quietly. “We can work all this out.”
“How?” I asked, my voice so rough it sounded like gravel. “I’m no good for you, not like this.”
“Diesel.” She pulled on my arm and forced me to face her. Her eyes were wide and full of tears, but that fire I’d seen in her that night when she’d climbed into my truck, opening herself to me in a way she never had with anyone else…That fire was back. “You’re the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me. You make me feel alive in ways I never thought possible. Please come home with me. I want to help you, I want to be what you are to me. The best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
I wanted to go. I really did. Her words pulled on me, an anchor, a lifeline, to keep me from drifting away into deeper and darker waters. But it wouldn’t be easy, though I could tell by the determined glint in her eyes that she knew it.
“Will he be there?” I had to ask.
“Not today, Diesel. Not until you’re both ready.”
33
When we walked through the front door, Diesel took one look around and proclaimed that it was time to spruce things up in the house. What he meant was, the place was a dump, but I didn’t mind him pointing it out. It was a tiny little two-bedroom cottage-turned-shack at the end of a long and winding dirt road with chipped blue paint and sagging gutters. The kitchen appliances were glitchy, the carpet was coming apart at the seams, and I used plastic forks and spoons from the diner instead of an actual silverware set.
But it was the only place I could afford on the hourly wages of a truck stop diner waitress, and I could barely manage at that.
So, if Diesel wanted spruce things up, he could go ahead and try. I didn’t think he’d get very far though. The place was beyond repair.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk?” I asked as he moved around the kitchen, turning knobs and rattling drawers. There was a restless energy about him, like he needed to make himself busy and this was the only way he knew how.
“I’m really not much for talking, Lucy. It’s just not what I do.”
“So, we’re just going to pretend like nothing has happened? Act like everything is a-okay?”
“Lucy.” Diesel stopped fiddling and moved closer. He took my hands in his and brought them up to his chest, holding them tight to his beating heart. I could feel it throbbing wildly, like a jackhammer on the loose. “You asked me to come home with you, so I did. I want to be here with you and Anna, but you’ve got to understand that I…I’m not like you.”
Like me? “What does that mean?”
“You are so sweet. You are so open. So fucking full of life.” He brushed his thumb against my cheek. “I’m just a shell of
the man I used to be.”
I shivered against his touch.
“I don’t believe that at all.” The man who stood before me was so much more than that. He was rough and gentle, strong and soft, all at the same time. He tried to keep his heart hidden from sight, but his emotions were written all over his rugged face. I’d seen the way he’d looked at our daughter, and he wasn’t the shell he claimed to be.
He sighed and closed his eyes. “Well, you’re wrong. I can be here for you and Anna, but if you’re expecting me to open up and pour my fucking heart out, you’ve got the wrong guy.”
“If that’s what you want for now,” I said. “You’ve got to promise me one thing though.”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t do that again.” My breath shuddered as I spoke, and I leaned against his hand. “Don’t run off like that. Whatever is happening between us, it’s not going to work if you leave anytime there’s a problem.”
Diesel stared down at me, his eyes dark and hot. “I didn’t leave you, Lucy. I couldn’t even manage to get the truck on the interstate.”
“You still left,” I said, determined to make him understand he couldn’t do that again. “You still ran off. I know you didn’t go far, but you still ran.”
Silence hushed around us as Diesel looked at me, thoughtful and sad. “I won’t leave again. Not until you tell me you want me to go.”
“Okay then.”
A beat passed, and then he turned away. My eyebrows shot to the top of my head when he lifted his shirt over his head, revealing a perfect set of six-pack abs. The ridges on his stomach rippled as he moved, and I had the sudden desire to trace each one with my tongue.
“This okay?” Diesel’s lips quirked when he saw my mouth had slightly parted at the sight of his naked chest. My whole body turned hot.
“Um, yes.” It is so much more than okay. “May I ask why you’re stripping in my kitchen though?”