by Duncan Ball
‘They do?’
‘Sadly, yes,’ Selby sighed. ‘I have to fight them off. It gets very boring. I have to wear sunnies and pull my hat down over my face so they can’t see me properly.’
‘Now I know you’re kidding,’ the girl laughed. ‘You do have a good sense of humour.’
‘I do?’
‘You do.’
‘Well, thanks.’
‘Do you know any jokes?’
‘Let me think,’ Selby said, trying to remember one of Gary Gaggs’ jokes. ‘What do you get if you feed a cat lemons?’
‘I don’t know. What do you get?’
‘A sour puss. Get it? A sour puss. Woo! Woo! Woo!’ Selby said, adding the woo woo woos that Gary always said at the end of his jokes.
Chelsea laughed long and loud.
‘That’s a good one. Do you know another one?’
‘An angel went up to another angel and said, “Halo",’ Selby said. ‘Get it? Halo? Woo! Woo! Woo!’
‘That’s great!’ Chelsea said. ‘Do you know any more?’
Suddenly Selby heard a noise behind him.
‘Well, Chelsea, I see you’ve got company,’ Mrs Trifle said.
Selby turned to see the Trifles and Chelsea’s parents coming through the front door.
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘I should have kept an eye out! What am I going to do now?!’
‘Yes,’ Chelsea said, ‘we’ve just been having a nice chat, haven’t we? Sorry, what’s your name?’
‘A chat?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘You were talking to Selby?’
‘Selby? Oh, is that your name?’
The Trifles were silent for a second and then Dr Trifle said, ‘Selby is a dog, Chelsea. I doubt that you were talking to him.’
‘Then who was I talking to? Who was telling me those corny jokes?’
‘I certainly don’t know. There’s no one here but us and Selby.’
‘Then he must have left just before you arrived,’ Chelsea said. ‘It’s funny that he didn’t say goodbye.’
‘Did you say that he told you corny jokes?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘Yes and he said, “Woo! Woo! Woo!” after them. He said he was an old friend of yours.’
‘Gary Gaggs!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘It’s a pity we didn’t arrive a bit earlier. I would have liked to see him. Just our luck, I guess.’
‘And it was my luck too that you didn’t,’ Selby thought. ‘Only mine was good luck. What a relief!’
SELBY SUBMERGED
Selby plunged over the side of the boat, hurtling through the air until his front paws parted the water. For a moment he saw nothing but a veil of tiny bubbles. Then, there it was just below him. He snatched at the necklace but it was no use. It was too far away now and sinking fast. He watched the glitter of gemstones disappear into the murky depths of the deepest trench in the deepest ocean in all the world.
Selby gagged, trying to hang on to the precious air that still filled his lungs. He looked up to the surface of the water far above him.
Suddenly it hit him.
‘Why am I here?’ he thought. ‘What have I done?! Why am I trying to rescue a billion dollar necklace from the sea when I don’t even know how to swim?!’
On the boat above, unaware of Selby’s predicament, Dr and Mrs Trifle sipped cups of hot cocoa.
‘We’re so lucky to be alive,’ Mrs Trifle said, wrapping a blanket around herself.
‘Yes …’ Dr Trifle stopped to shiver and then continued, ‘and so is Selby, don’t forget. He’s been such a wonderful friend to us all these years. Sometimes I think we’ve taken him too much for granted. By the way where is he?’
‘I don’t know,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He was here a minute ago. He’s probably crawled off to take a nap somewhere. I’m sure he’s okay.’
Selby thrashed about with his paws, clawing the water the way he’d seen dogs do when they dog-paddled, struggling towards the surface. But he knew that this time he’d gone too far. Even if someone discovered that he’d gone overboard, there wasn’t enough time to be rescued.
Just as Selby ran out of energy and stopped paddling he saw a huge dark shape in the water beginning to circle.
‘Oh, no!’ he screamed. His words disappeared in the silence of a huge bubble. ‘Shark! Help! Someone save me! Oh, please, please don’t let me die!’
Author’s note: Read on and you’ll see how Selby got into this predicament and what happened next. But I’m warning you: don’t read this last Selby story unless you’re feeling very strong. If you do: make sure you have a box of tissues handy.
This tragic tale began one day when Dr Trifle’s old ocean scientist friend, Dr Septimus C. Squirt, asked him to help collect some tiny sea creatures.
‘Isn’t that a job for one of those scooba–dooba people?’ Dr Trifle asked. ‘Or maybe one of those little submarine deep diving doovers?’
‘Goodness, no!’ exclaimed the scientist. ‘These sea creatures live at the very bottom of the deepest, most dangerous trench in the deepest ocean in all the world. No human being has ever been down that far. Well except the people who went down in the S. S. Humungous many years ago. Anyway, no one’s been down and come back up alive. Even the best bathyscaphe — or deep diving doover, as you call it — would crumple like aluminium foil at those depths.’
‘The Humungous,’ Dr Trifle said, letting out a low whistle. ‘The huge passenger ship that sank with everyone on board. It’s never been found, has it?’
‘Nope.’
‘If someone could find it they could find that necklace — the Billion Dollar Bobble.’
‘Bobble schmobble,’ Dr Squirt said. ‘I didn’t come here to talk about boring old sunken ships and boring necklaces. What I’m after is Flashipodicus! Yeeeeeeeeeessssssss!’
‘Flashipodicus?’
‘Flashipodicae deepyensis to give them their proper name. Little animals that live down there. We usually just call them Flash-Greebies because of the way their bodies light up so they can see their way around in the dark. We only know they exist because sometimes a dead one floats to the surface. No one has ever caught a live one. I want to catch a lot of them to study them properly.’
‘The S. S. Humungous,’ Selby thought. ‘The great lost ship that has never been found. It gives me the shivers just to think of it sitting in the darkness on the bottom of the sea. Sheeeeesh! It makes my fur stand on end. Who would want to go down there? Double sheeeeesh!’
‘So how can I help you collect these Flash-Greebies?’ Dr Trifle asked his old friend.
‘Build me a deep diving doover that’s strong enough so it won’t crumple down there. How about it?’
‘That sounds like fun,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I’ll give it a go.’
So it was that week after week Selby watched Dr Trifle build the tiny submarine which he named the Sea Squirt after Dr Septimus C. Squirt. And soon Selby found himself on a big boat along with Dr Squirt and the Trifles heading towards the deepest trench in the deepest ocean in all the world. And it wasn’t long before they were ready to hoist the Sea Squirt over the side and into the depths.
‘Okay, who’s going down in it?’ Dr Squirt asked, rubbing his hands together with excitement. ‘Someone has to actually collect the critters.’
‘Well you are, aren’t you?’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Not me. I have to stay here and twiddle the dials on the instruments and make sure you get down to the right place and everything.’
‘Why don’t I twiddle the instruments and you catch the critters?’ Dr Trifle asked.
‘Because I’m the expert twiddler,’ Dr Squirt explained. ‘Don’t tell me you’re a scaredy-cat.’
‘Well … no but —’
‘But nothing. In you go. Come on, time’s a–wasting.’
Dr and Mrs Trifle looked at each other for a moment.
‘Come on, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’ll come too. We’ll even bring Selby. It’ll be like a family outing. I’m sure we’ll be perfectly safe in your inv
ention. You’re such a good inventor.’
‘I am? I mean, of course I am. Well, okay.’
‘No, no, no, I don’t want to go!’ Selby screamed in his brain. ‘I hate water! I hate deep water even more! The deeper it is, the more I hate it! And this is the deepest trench in the deepest ocean in all the world!’
‘Okay, in you go, boy,’ Dr Trifle said, and before Selby knew it he was in the Sea Squirt with the Trifles descending into the darkness.
‘I can’t see anything,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Turn on the headlight.’
Dr Trifle turned on the light and Selby and the Trifles peered through the portholes down into the depths. An hour passed and then a long, thin edge of rock appeared out of the black below.
‘That must be the bottom,’ Mrs Trifle said.
Dr Squirt’s voice crackled over the radio.
‘You’re not at the bottom yet,’ he said. ‘It’s probably just the peak of a submerged mountain range.’
‘Sheeeeesh!’ Selby thought. ‘Mountain peaks at the bottom of the sea. This really gives me the willies.’
The Sea Squirt continued down past rocky mountain peaks so covered in white sand that it looked like snow. Finally they reached the bottom of the trench.
‘What do we do now?’ Dr Trifle asked over the radio. ‘I don’t see any Greebies.’
‘Turn off your light,’ Dr Squirt said.
Mrs Trifle turned off the light. In a minute they saw pinpoints of light moving about on the ocean bottom.
‘Greebies ahoy!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘This is so exciting!’
‘Okay,’ Dr Squirt said. ‘Pick them up and plonk them in the jar. When it’s full, I’ll pull you back up.’
Mrs Trifle started the motor and guided the Sea Squirt along the ocean bottom. Dr Trifle stretched his arms out into the hollow arms that stuck out in front of the submarine. One of them had a jar in it. With the other he picked up a Flash-Greebie.
‘This is really spooky,’ Selby thought as he looked out through half-closed eyes. ‘But it’s fun. At least we didn’t get crumpled.’
Mrs Trifle guided the Sea Squirt along in the blackness as Dr Trifle collected the little animals. Suddenly there was a scraping noise.
‘I wonder what that could be,’ Mrs Trifle said, turning on the light. ‘We seem to be in a cave or something. Look! There’s something round on the bottom right in front of us. Pick it up and see what it is.’
Dr Trifle picked it up and shook the sand off it.
‘It’s a dinner plate!’ he said. ‘Look it’s got writing on it! It says “S. S. HUMUNGOUS". Good gracious!’ he called out into the microphone. ‘Somehow we’ve found our way into the wreck of the Humungous!’
‘Have you filled the jar yet?’ Dr Squirt asked.
‘No, not yet. These little beasties are so small that it’ll take forever to fill it. Aren’t you excited about the ship?’
‘I’m a scientist, not one of those people who goes around collecting useless junk from old shipwrecks,’ Dr Squirt said. ‘What do you say I pull you back up and we call it a day.’
‘Hang on! Let me get this thing out of the Humungous first!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Don’t pull yet!’
But it was too late and suddenly the Sea Squirt lurched violently, smashing against a rusty steel wall and breaking its light before stopping.
‘I beg your pardon?’ Dr Squirt said. ‘What did you say?’
‘We said, “Don’t pull yet",’ Dr Trifle sighed. ‘Now we’re stuck in here.’
‘Oooops. Okay, so find your way back out and then I’ll pull you up.’
‘We can’t find our way anywhere!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We can’t see a thing! You broke our light when you tried to pull us up.’
‘Ooops, sorry about that,’ Dr Squirt said. ‘I’ll make it up to you.’
‘How will you do that when we can’t get back to the surface?’
‘It’s just an expression,’ Dr Squirt said. ‘You don’t suppose there’s some way you could attach the bottle of Flash-Greebies to the cable and I could at least rescue them?’
‘No there isn’t!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed.
‘Okay don’t get angry. No harm in asking.’
Selby’s heart started beating like a bongo drum. Sweat poured down his face as Mrs Trifle tried and tried to find the way out of the wreck. Every time she went in one direction she bumped into a wall or ceiling.
‘It’s no use,’ she said, after half an hour of trying. ‘We’re running out of air. I think this is the end of us.’
‘Yes,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Funny, isn’t it?’
‘Funny? We’re going to die down here and you think it’s funny?’
‘I don’t mean funny ha-ha I mean funny peculiar. I just realised that I’m not afraid any more.’
‘Neither am I. Maybe that’s because we’re running out of air. I just feel like (yawn) sleeping.’
‘Me too,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I think I’ll just (yawn) take a nap and think things over.’
‘Dr Trifle! Mrs Trifle!’ Dr Squirt’s voice called out. ‘Can you hear me? What are you doing?’
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘The Trifles have given up! They’ve gone to sleep! I’m the only one who hasn’t given up!’
Thoughts sped around and around in Selby’s brain like racing cars at a speedway. He pulled the unconscious Mrs Trifle back in her seat and then hopped into her lap to take over the controls.
‘We’ve got to be able to get out of here the same way we got in,’ he thought as he pushed the controls forward and hit one wall and then another. ‘But I can’t find the way out because I can’t see a thing! Hey, I’ve got it!’ Selby said noticing the faint glow from the jar of Flash-Greebies. ‘If I can collect enough of them maybe I can use them as a light!’
‘Dr Trifle! Mrs Trifle!’ Dr Squirt’s voice said. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Trying to get out of here, you ninny!’ Selby said.
‘Is-Is that you, Dr Trifle? You sound strange.’
‘Well I feel strange,’ Selby said, not even trying to imitate Dr Trifle’s voice. ‘Now leave me alone, I’m trying to concentrate.’
Selby pulled Dr Trifle’s arms out of the hollow arms and put his paws in. He picked up a small flashing creature and put it in the jar. Then he went after another one and then another.
‘This is too slow. At this rate it’ll be hours before there’s enough light to see with,’ he thought. ‘And we don’t have hours. Already I’m getting tired and dizzy.’
Suddenly Selby saw something sparkly next to the collecting jar. Thinking that it was another Flash-Greebie he reached out and pulled it from the mud, placing it in the jar. Suddenly light burst forth from the jar lighting up the room around him.
‘What was that?!’ he thought. ‘My goodness, it’s not a creature at all. It looks like a piece broken off a chandelier or something! It’s reflecting all the light from the creatures!’
Selby brought the arm with the jar in it up close to the front porthole.
‘Wow! That’s not a piece of glass! That’s a necklace with a huge diamond in it! It’s the Billion Dollar Bobble! I’ve found it! I’m rich! Hang on, what am I saying? I’m not anything if I can’t get us out of here.’
Selby pointed the jar around the room and found the hole that the Sea Squirt had come in through. He turned the steering wheel and guided the submarine out into the ocean again.
‘Okay,’ Selby said over the radio. ‘We’re clear of the wreck. You can pull us up now.’
By the time the submarine reached the surface and was lifted on board the boat Selby and the Trifles were all in a deep sleep. But soon, the fresh air brought them back to life.
Author’s note: So it was that Selby, once again, saved the Trifles’ lives. But of course they never knew it. And this is where this story should have ended if it hadn’t been for … well if it hadn’t been for what happened next.
While the Trifles were recovering in their deck chairs, Selby wandered around wi
th visions of riches dancing in his head. No one had noticed that Selby found the Billion Dollar Bobble but soon someone was bound to.
‘We’re rich! We’re billionaires! Even if Dr Squirt takes half the money and leaves the Trifles with the other half, our worries are over forever. Now I can reveal my secret! I can talk to the Trifles! I won’t have to work because we’ll have a house full of servants,’ Selby thought. ‘I wish they’d hurry up and notice that the necklace is in the jar. Hmmm,’ he thought as he looked over the side of the boat. ‘Come to think of it, where is the jar? Did Dr Squirt take it down to his laboratory?’
Below, in a darkened room, Dr Squirt had the collecting jar and was getting ready to take the creatures out so that he could begin his studies. Slowly he tipped the contents into an aquarium and watched the tiny points of light spread around on the bottom.
‘Hmmm, what’s this?’ he thought when the Flash–Greebies had all left the jar. ‘Dr Trifle seems to have picked up a rock or something. Oh, well.’
And this is when Dr Squirt tipped the billion dollar diamond necklace out the porthole and into the sea. All of which would have been bad enough but Selby was on deck directly above the porthole and saw it go.
‘The necklace!’ Selby cried and, suddenly forgetting that he was the only non-swimming dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world, he dived overboard.
All of which brings us back to the beginning where Selby, half drowned, was struggling in the water. Then the dark shape began swimming around him in smaller and smaller circles.
Suddenly it came closer and nuzzled its nose in Selby’s fur.
‘Gulp. He’s going to play with me before he eats me!’ Selby squealed to himself. ‘Why doesn’t he just get it over with?!’
But playing, not eating, was on this creature’s mind. He nuzzled Selby and then pushed him upwards. Selby broke the surface like a rocket. The splash was so loud that Dr and Mrs Trifle jumped out of their deckchairs and ran to the other side of the boat.
‘It’s Selby!’ Mrs Trifle called. ‘He’s fallen in the water! Quick! Get a rowboat!’
But there was no need for rowboats. The thing that was toying with Selby wasn’t really a shark, as he’d thought, but a dolphin.