by Cory O'Brien
because the gods sure as shit want nothing to do with him at this point
and guess who else is coming to the party?
FIRE GIANTS.
What are fire giants you ask?
Oh, I don’t know, maybe giants MADE OF FIRE
the sole purpose of whom is to show up at this EXACT MOMENT
led by this guy SURT
and fucking set fire to EVERYTHING.
So this is when Heimdall is going to blow his horn
signaling that SHIT is finally about to get REAL
and Odin and all the other gods
and all the elves, dwarves, demons and basically just anything ever
are going to ride onto this one battlefield called Vigrid
which means BATTLESHAKER
and they are going to tear each other to pieces in the following order:
Odin is going to fight Fenrir
and Fenrir is going to eat Odin
and then Odin’s son Vidar is gonna be like “NOOOO.”
and run up and rip Fenrir’s jaw in half
which is pretty appropriate because Vidar is the god of revenge
not that he has anything to really be vengeful about because Odin is EVERYONE’S dad.
Meanwhile, Thor is gonna fight the Midgard serpent
and he is gonna kill it
but then its poison is gonna kill HIM.
And Surt is just gonna pick the weakest-looking god
Freyr
who is the god of the sun and elves and shit
and just kill him straight up
because Freyr is a tremendous pussy
who actually FORGOT TO BRING A SWORD TO THE APOCALYPSE.
Then Tyr is gonna look around like “Shit I need to kill someone to prove I’m a badass.
How about this terrible wolf, GARM?!”
and he kills it, despite the fact he only has one hand
but then Garm also kills him. Boo.
Also, Heimdall kills Loki, FINALLY
but Loki also kills Heimdall, so that will suck.
And on top of ALL OF THAT
Surt is gonna just start chucking fire in every direction
burning everything
so it won’t even really matter if you survive the epic battle
because everyone is catching fire anyway
except for these two people
Lif and Lifthrasir
a dude and a chick who will just be sleeping in the indestructible forest.
Wait, there’s an INDESTRUCTIBLE FOREST??
Why doesn’t everyone just evacuate there?
That would seriously minimize some casualties.
Anyway, when it’s all over
and the earth dives underwater to try and put out all the fire
and then comes back up again all fresh and new
Lif and Lifthrasir are gonna repopulate the world
and everything is going to be great forever.
So the moral of the story
is that when the going gets tough
the tough get going
but the SMART get inside the invincible forest.
EGYPTIAN
You might not guess from their tame 2-D cave paintings
but the ancient Egyptians liked to tell some seriously messed-up myths
they’ve got all the essentials:
booze, blood, and jerkin’ it
(if you thought that the essentials were food, water, and shelter
then you, my friend have been reading the wrong myths)
and if any mortals actually managed to survive the constant barrage of nonsense from above
Egyptian lore says you had to get your soul weighed against a FUCKING FEATHER
by a pitiless demon with a dog for a head
and if your soul is heavier than the feather
YOU GO TO HELL.
So I hope you can hear me in hell, every dude who ever lived in ancient Egypt
because I am about to seriously bastardize your canon up in here.
RA HAS SEX WITH HIMSELF
So there is this dude named Ra.
This dude does not exist
At least not at the beginning of the story.
All there is is this totally boring infinite water called Nu
but then Ra
who—remember—doesn’t exist
is like “This sucks.
How about I CREATE MYSELF USING PURE WILLPOWER!??”
So now Ra is standing around
except actually he is not standing.
He hasn’t invented standing yet and anyway there is no place to stand
so Ra is like “Okay, time for some terrain features.
Let’s start with the ones that look the most like tits.”
So he makes a hill
and he stands on it
and later someone builds a temple BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES.
So Ra gets pretty bored
seeing as all there is in the ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE is a hill and some water.
So he hangs out on the hill for a bit
waiting for other awesome dudes to will themselves into being
but they don’t
so he’s like “MAN, YOU GUYS ARE SOOOO LAZY
FINE, I’LL MAKE MY OWN FRIENDS.”
But there is a problem
because, although Ra can make hills
and also HIMSELF
he apparently can’t make people.
Sexual reproduction is ruining everything, as usual.
But Ra does not even give a shit
he just goes right ahead and FUCKS HIS OWN SHADOW UNTIL HE GETS PREGNANT.
THEN HE GIVES BIRTH TO KIDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH
IN THE TWO LEAST CLASSY WAYS POSSIBLE. Yes, guys.
If Egypt is to be believed
you are all either descended from spit or puke
(depending on whether you are a boy or a girl).
See, Ra has two kids.
The phlegm kid is this dude called Shu
the god of air and stuff
meanwhile the vomit kid is a chick named Tefnut
goddess of moisture
not water mind you, but moisture
which makes sense with the whole vomit thing, I guess.
Anyway, Shu and Tefnut get together
and by their powers combined
manage to be exponentially more bored than even their omnipotent father could have imagined.
So they are sitting around and they are like “Hey
wanna hit each other with bricks?
Oh wait, bricks don’t exist. Just like absolutely everything else other than hills.
Fuck it, let’s make up some codes of laws and then get lost.”
So they make up some laws and then they get lost in the middle of an endless ocean fiasco
which is kind of like SeaWorld
if SeaWorld was everything everywhere
and there was no Shamu
and there was no amusement park
or hot dogs or whatever.
It is actually just the water part of SeaWorld.
And there are only three people there
and two of them are lost
and they are made of spit and vomit.
Actually, that last part sounds a lot like SeaWorld.
So Ra is like “GUYYSSSS
I fucked my own SHADOW so I wouldn’t be lonely.
Come baaaack.”
And then he takes out his one eye
(by the way, he only has one eye)
and he is like “Hey, eye
go find my kids.”
So it does, and it brings them back to Ra
and he starts crying
either because he is so happy to have his kids back or because now he has to raise kids
but the myth is not clear on whether he puts his eye back in before he does this
or whether it is just this weird floating sadness orb
but that is not important at all.
&nb
sp; What is important is that those tears hit the hill Ra made
and they turn into people
and then Shu and Tefnut start boning
like siblings do.
They pop out this kid Geb, the earth
and Nut, the sky
(those are extremely large babies, no lie).
Then later, Geb and Nut give birth to all the trendy gods
like Isis and Osiris and whatever
and things proceed pretty much as would be expected
with a lot of murder and sex and stuff.
So basically what it all comes down to
is that we are made of tears
from the disembodied eyeball
of a guy who fucks his own shadow and surrounds himself with spit and puke.
I’m gonna go cry now.
I hope it doesn’t turn it into babies.
RA AND SEKHMET, OR: HOW BEER SAVED THE UNIVERSE
So Ra creates the world.
Sure, great
but just because you create the world
doesn’t mean you get to just be king of it forever.
I mean you get to be king of it for a while
(like for example what Ra does
is as soon as he’s done creating everything
he turns into a dude and becomes king of Egypt)
but the problem with dudes is that they get old
and the problem with old dudes is that they are constantly getting guff
from ALL DIRECTIONS
and the problem with being a god
is that you are constitutionally incapable of taking ANY GUFF WHATSOEVER
so naturally
when everybody starts laughing at Ra’s old hair and senility
he gets real pissed
and when you are a god
and you are real pissed
there is only one solution, my friends:
GENOCIDE.
So basically what Ra does
is he turns around and gives Egypt the world’s DEADLIEST STINKEYE
this eye is so stinky
it produces an entire brand new goddess
the goddess is named Sekhmet
and she is basically like a lioness
with chainsaws for legs
SEKHMET:
THE ORIGINAL THUNDERCAT.
Sekhmet’s job is simple:
KILL.
EVERYONE.
So that is what she does.
She just tears all around everywhere
mauling the ever-loving crap out of people until the ground is like
permanent red
which is disconcertingly tacky.
Eventually Ra wakes up from his old-man sleep
and he’s like “WHOA
WHERE DID ALL THE PEOPLE GO?
Damn, I feel kinda bad now.”
Gods are always doing things like this if you haven’t noticed.
But the problem is that by now Sekhmet is an unstoppable murder engine.
But the good news
is that there is ONE THING
with the power to stop an unstoppable murder engine
and that thing
is BOOZE.
So what Ra does
is he gathers up all this really good beer
and all this really good red food coloring
and he mixes it all together
and he dumps it all over the fields that Sekhmet has scheduled for murdering the next day
so that when she shows up
she just sees a big lake of what she can only assume is blood
blood that smells like booze
so, like
the blood of really drunk people?
and she’s like “ALL RIGHT
LOOKS LIKE MURDERING IS DONE EARLY TODAY
TIME FOR MY SECOND FAVORITE PASTIME:
DEVOURING THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT.”
So Sekhmet just dives right in and starts slurping the boozeblood
which is such good shit that everybody calls it “THE SLEEPMAKER”
and because of that she ends up passing out pretty quick
and she wakes up all hung over
and Ra is like “HaHAAAA
from now on you will be known as Hathor
and the only thing you will kill people with
is KINDNESS.”
And basically whatever Ra says just immediately happens
so that’s who Sekhmet becomes from then on.
So obviously the moral of the story
is that the best way to deal with a rampaging psychopath
is to get them really, really drunk.
ISIS HAS BAD TASTE IN JEWELRY
So time passes, and now Osiris is the king of the gods
he thinks he’s hot shit, with his godly appendages up whole vast swathes of blouse.
But meanwhile there’s this dick Set.
That is his name
Set.
I’m not talking about some kind of dick set
such as you might purchase for an adult tea party.
I am talking about the Egyptian god of the desert
and also storms, darkness, and chaos.
Basically if you are not having a good time
Set is right there, flipping you off with both hands
while jacking off
with his third hand?
Or maybe with a hand he stole
FROM A BABY.
What I mean is, Set’s a dick.
The reason I mention Set
is that he gets all butthurt over not being king of the gods
so he has this great plan
which is he makes this coffin out of wood
which is like tailor-made for Osiris basically
and then he calls up all the gods like “HEY, GUYS YOU SHOULD COME OVER
I’M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY.”
And all the gods are like “Oh shit, weird coffin party.
We’ll be right over.”
So they all get there and Set is like “All right I made this coffin.
Whoever fits perfectly inside it gets candy.”
And of course, all the gods think this sounds like an awesome idea
so they all take turns trying to get into the coffin
and they all fail
but then it’s Osiris’s turn
and Osiris is like “I dunno, guys this seems like a transparent ruse.”
but then he gets in the coffin anyway
and it slams shut and locks
and Set lines it with lead and throws it in the Nile river
and everyone is like “Whoa, major coffin-party foul.”
and Set is like “So I get to be king now, right?”
AND HE DOES.
So naturally Osiris’s wife Isis decides to go find him
so she can at least bury him properly now that he has drowned
and she finds out that the coffin has floated all the way to Byblos
(which is actually just Lebanon in disguise)
and gotten absorbed by an oak tree
which got cut down
and used to build a support pillar
in a palace
for the king of Byblos.
Shiiiit.
So Isis shows up in Byblos like “Hey queen
my husband is embedded in your palace
may I please extract him?”
And the queen is like “Sure, go ahead.
It’s not like he’s a major structural support or anything, right?”
and Isis is like “Haha, sucker.”
And she goes and removes the pillar
WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT ALL
thus inventing Jenga.
Except instead of delicately placing the coffin on top of the palace
Isis takes out Osiris’s body and drags it back to Egypt
and buries it in the desert
so he can finally rest in peace
apparently forgetting that Set is the GOD OF THE DESERT.
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So Set very quickly sniffs out Osiris’s grave
and is like “Hmm I haven’t fucked with this guy enough.
How about I tear him into fourteen pieces
and then EAT HIS DICK.”
So that is what he does
and he chucks the other thirteen pieces all the fuck everywhere
and then Isis is like “What is that noise?
It better not be my husband getting ripped up and thrown everywhere.”
BUT IT IS TOO LATE
IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED
and Isis finds out and she is like “Seriously? I just buried this guy.
Now I gotta go find all these body parts and bury them AGAIN
even though Set will prolly just find them again and rip them into SMALLER pieces.”
Anyway, she manages to find all the pieces
(which have turned into full moons by the way)
except for his dick
because like I said
SET ATE IT
so Isis is like “Maaaan
Osiris’s dick was like the most important part of his personality”
so what she does
is she makes a GOLD COCK
and she hangs it around her neck
and BAM
Osiris is alive again
with a golden dong
thus laying the groundwork for Mike Myers’s cinematic triumph, Goldmember
and also getting Isis pregnant with Horus
because I guess that dick necklace was more potent than she bargained for.
So ladies
I guess the moral of the story is
don’t wear a cock around your neck
because unplanned pregnancy is the WORST accessory.
THOTH IS JUST GIVING OUT SCORPIONS
So Osiris is back in action and his dick is more blinged out than ever
BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
because as soon as Osiris gets resurrected
ISIS GIVES BIRTH TO THIS DUDE NAMED HORUS.
Actually, that is not the bad part
because Horus is a pretty cool dude, honestly.
No, see, the bad part
is that seeing as Set was totally willing to EAT OSIRIS’S DICK
just to prevent him from getting a proper burial
all signs point toward he is going to murder the CRAP out of this baby
especially since Horus is totally fated to murder Set if he ever gets old enough.
So Isis is pretty careful about keeping her baby away from murder
but then one day, Set is like “HEY, ISIS COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILL.”
and Isis is like “SPINNING MILL, HOORAY.”
And then Set is like “Oh, did I say spinning mill?
I meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENT FOREVER