by Cory O'Brien
I AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION
JUST KIDDING, TOTALLY NOT SORRY.”
So Isis is understandably upset about this
and so is this super-wise dude named Thoth
so he comes down and is like “Hey, Isis how would you like to escape this prison?”
And Isis is like “I would like that a lot.”
so Thoth is like “Boom. You got it.
Here, have some scorpions.”
And Isis is like “WHAT, WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME SCORPIONS?”
And Thoth is like “Chill out. These scorpions will guide you to safety.
I’m the god of wisdom, okay? I’ve got this handled.”
so Isis takes Horus, and they follow these seven scorpions for like a WEEK.
No one has any ideas where they are going
probably because the guides in this scenario are SCORPIONS.
SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATE GUIDES, MY FRIENDS.
THEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE CRAP OUT YOU
BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION.
But after a lot of bullshit, Isis and the scorpions and Horus finally arrive in some town
and Isis goes and knocks on the door of some rich chick’s house
and the rich chick is like “Oh, why hello there HOLY SHIT SCORPIONS.
NO NO NO NO NO.”
But so no sooner has the rich chick slammed her door
than this poor chick is like “Hey there.
I see you have some scorpions.
I’m so poor that I have even pawned my fear of death.
Come crash at my hovel.”
But then PLOT TWIST
the scorpions all throw a fit about not being invited into the other house
so they go inside and sting the crap out of the rich chick’s baby
and she hears the baby crying and she is like “What’s that noise?
I hope it’s not the sound of my baby getting stung by SCORPIONS.
OH SHIT SCORPIONS.”
And Isis hears all this commotion
and she is like “SCORPIONS YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDES.
NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS.”
So she runs up to where the baby is busy dying
and she is like “Hey, poison, get out of that baby.”
And the poison is like “Maaaan . . . fine.”
and then Isis leaves, like “ANOTHER DAY SAVED
THANKS TO ME AND NO THANKS TO THESE SCORPIONS.”
And then she ends up in the marsh she was supposed to check out
and she hides Horus in the mud, like “Okay, son
I am going to bury you in marsh filth now
among poisonous animals some of which I KNOW to be irritable scorpions
so just try not to move around too much. I’m gonna go get burgers.”
So Isis comes back later
and she is like “Hey, Horus would you like some burgers?
Hmm . . . you don’t seem to be moving at all or breathing or anything.
Oh noooo.
Set, did you turn into a snake and poison my baby?”
And Set is like “Yup.”
And Isis proceeds to scream the most heavy metal scream possible
it is so metal that it STOPS THE SUN
or more accurately, THE SUNBOAT.
And Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuff
and it stops all of a sudden
with one of those record scratch noises you hear in bad teen movies
and everyone is like “Whaaaat?
Thoth, go find out what Isis is angry about.”
so Thoth goes down there like “Woman, I hooked you up with scorpions and everything. What now?”
and Isis is like “Look, I know you are itching to get your bone on in the backseat of the sunboat
but could you do me a solid and just revive my son real quick?”
and Thoth is like “Oh yeah, no problem. Done.
By the way, how were those scorpions? Pretty sweet, right?”
and Isis is like “They were a pack of angry scorpions
that you gave to a single mother with a child.”
Anyway Horus is alive now
but he and Isis still have to hide out in the marshes
while his balls gather sufficient mass to allow him to murder Set.
So basically the moral of the story
is that scorpions are only good for one thing
and that one thing is rad tattoos.
HORUS JERKS OFF IN SET’S SALAD
So Horus grows up
and Isis is like “Hey, son, remember that asshole Set? The one who you are destined to ruin?”
and Horus is like “I mean you never stop talking about him
and also he turned into a snake and poisoned me to death when I was a baby.
That tends to make people pretty memorable when they do stuff like that.”
and Isis is like “Well, why haven’t you killed him yet?”
and Horus is like “JEEZ, MOM, FINE GET OFF MY BACK.
HEY, SET, I’M ’BOUT TO KILL YOU GET READY.”
So Set shows up like “OH NO, YOU DIDN’T.”
And Horus is like “HOLD STILL FOR A SECOND. LET ME STAB YOUR FACE.”
And Isis is like “OH SHIT, STOP. I JUST REMEMBERED THAT SET IS MY
BROTHER.”
and Horus tries to break her legs
but then she stabs him
and Set gets away
and Horus is like “Wow, Mom.
Seriously?”
But Isis heals him later so it’s fine.
Wait, what am I talking about
shit is so un-fine you could coat sandpaper with it and then use it to shave off a goat’s face.
Because now Set is thinking as HARD AS HE CAN about how to screw over Horus
and finally he’s like “I KNOW
I will use my SEMEN to solve this problem.
HEY, HORUS, WANNA HAVE SEX?
And Horus is like “Well, normally I would say no
but today I am an idiot, so okay.”
and they have a bunch of sweaty sex
but then right at the crucial moment
Horus uses his lightning reflexes to parry Set’s manbatter
because apparently it’s not gay if the jizz stays outside your butt.
So then he’s got a handful of manana cream pie
and he’s like “Eww, what am I going to do with this?
I KNOW, I’LL THROW IT IN A RIVER.”
and thus invents hand washing and pollution SIMULTANEOUSLY
so now HORUS is thinking about how to fuck over SET
and he’s like “Hmm . . .
Apparently the name of the game
is ‘get your semen inside of the other guy’s body.’
I don’t make the rules
I just make the jizz.
Let’s make this happen.”
So he sneaks into Set’s house and jerks off in his salad
and then Set eats the salad and Horus is like “HAHA YOU JUST ATE MY SPOOGE.”
Is it just me, or is spooge the single least attractive synonym for dickglue?
Anyway, Set is like “BULLSHIT.
LET’S GO BEFORE THE REST OF THE GODS
AND NEEDLESSLY AIR OUR DIRTY LAUNDRY
IN HOPES OF DETERMINING SUPERIORITY.”
So they call together the other gods
and Set is like “Guys
I totally jizzed in Horus’s butt.
That means I’m better than him, right?
and Horus is like “You didn’t jizz in my butt. What are you talking about?
Go ahead and call for your sperm.
See where they’re at.”
Yeah, apparently these dudes keep in touch with all their sperm.
Talk about being a devoted father.
Anyway, Set is like “FINE.
OHHH SPERRMMMM. WHERE AAARE YOUUUU?”
And the sperm is like “HERE WE ARE IN THE RIVER.”
and Set is like “Dammit, Horus
Did you block my cock?”
and Horus is like “That is in fact exactly what I did.
Now hold on lemme find out where my sperm is at real quick.”
And the sperm is like “HERE WE ARE IN SET’S STOMACH.”
And Set is like “NOOOO.”
And everyone else is like “Wow.
This is astonishingly stupid
how about we settle this pissing contest with a reasonable competition
like a boat race
except the boats are made of stone.
THAT’S PERFECT THAT’S NOT STUPID AT ALL.”
So Set and Horus get their boats ready
but Horus has a secret
which is that his boat is actually MADE OF WOOD
it’s just painted to look like stone
which raises a couple of questions:
First of all
why didn’t anyone check to see if Horus’s boat was actually made of stone?
And second of all
since they didn’t
WHY DID SET NOT DO THIS?
DOES HE NOT REALIZE THAT STONE IS THE WORST THING TO MAKE BOATS OUT OF?
I mean, maybe he thinks they are trying to race to the bottom of the lake
in which case I understand
either that or he’s SCRUPULOUSLY HONEST
but we’re talking about the god of storms, chaos, and evil
who has been known to do things like eat the balls of his enemies
and then try to kill their babies
and then when their babies grow up
try to have buttsex with the very same babies
so I feel like honesty is not top of his priority list.
But anyway they have the race and Set’s boat sinks
and Horus wins
and as a result he gets to be king of Egypt
and Set has to be his bitch forever.
So the moral of the story
is next time you are jockeying for a sweet promotion
consider jizzing in your coworkers’ food
but make sure to also brush up on your boat-racing just in case.
MAYAN
I’ve never been freaked out by a calendar even a little
just getting a rise out of me with a calendar is a feat on its own
but the Mayans are the MVPs of making calendars, man.
You have to hand it to a culture that can make a calendar SO INTENSE
that it is still freaking people out CENTURIES LATER.
And they didn’t stop at just freaking people out.
No, see, these dudes wrote a whole fan fiction for their calendar.
It’s called the Popol Vuh
and it is basically just a super-complicated code version of the calendar itself
secretly translated by some Mayan dudes
around the time that the Spanish were killing everybody
and now
it is time to take that sacred and clandestine work of those brave souls
and mock the shit out of it.
THE MAYANS HAVE THE MOST BRUTAL CALENDAR
So there is this one Mayan dude, right?
he has like fifty goddamn names
Like Hurucan, and Gugumatz, and Heart-of-Sky
and I’m not even really sure if he is one Mayan dude
or like, a collection of Mayan dudes
because they keep acting like he is two people
but the two people never do anything independently
so they’re basically just one person
or some kind of hive mind.
Anyway, we’re going to call this thing Quetzalcoatl.
Quetzalcoatl is bored, because all there is anywhere
is just a whole bunch of water and some sky
and it’s not even interesting sky because there is no light
so Quetzalcoatl is like “Okay, boom.”
And there is some light
and then he goes boom again
and there is some land
but this is still pretty lame because what is the point of being able to do this kind of shit
if there is no one around to get freaked out by how cool it is?
Now, this may sound pretty familiar so far
but here’s where it gets crazy:
Quetzalcoatl’s master plan for getting worshippers
is to invent JAGUARS.
And then he’s like “WHOA, JAGUARS LOOK, I JUST FUCKING MADE YOU.
PRETTY NEAT, HUH?”
And the jaguars are all “Rarrrr, we are jaguars.
We can’t talk or be impressed.”
So Quetzalcoatl is like “Aww, fuck you guys.
I’m gonna make some way more awesome creatures
and they are going to worship me
and you are going to be their SLAVES.”
So he gets some dirt
and he makes dirt-people
but the dirt-people really suck
because first of all, they are made out of dirt
second of all, they only speak gibberish
and third of all, they dissolve in water
so Quetzalcoatl figures that even if they COULD worship him
he would get pretty embarrassed
so he kills all of them by dumping water on them
and then he calls these two other dudes
Xmucane and Xpiacoc
who have names that sound like prescription drugs
designed to treat nasal congestion and erectile dysfunction respectively
and he’s like “Hey, is it a good idea for me to make people out of wood?”
And they say “Yeah, go for it.”
So he makes people out of wood
like a whole bunch of wooden robots, basically
and they can speak and walk around
and they don’t dissolve in water
but they are TREMENDOUS assholes.
One might even say they have a STICK up their asses.
Get it? Get it?
Aw, screw you guys.
Anyway, they totally forget to worship Quetzalcoatl even a little bit
and he’s getting pretty pissed at this point
because he has seriously made EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS
and no one is giving him ANY CREDIT
so he kind of freaks out a little
and causes fire to rain from the sky
and burns everything to cinders
and then makes all of the wood-people’s cookware come alive and kill them
and all the animals move into their houses and eat them
even though they are made of wood and totally not tasty
and meanwhile Quetzalcoatl makes a bunch of ACTUALLY delicious people out of tortillas
and those people are supposedly us
and as soon as Quetzalcoatl gets bored he is going to make us into burritos
and then feed us to jaguars or whatever
and this story was apparently plausible enough
to freak out THE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD ALL THE WAY THROUGH 2012.
But anyway, everyone lives happily ever after
except the wood-people
who get chased into the woods and turned into monkeys.
So the moral of the story is
never set fire to a monkey
because it is made out of wood
and you will start a forest fire.
HUNAHPÚ AND XBALANQUÉ: ULTIMATE BALLERS
So there are these two dudes
Hun Hunapú and Vucub Hunapú.
They are twins, or at least brothers.
Anyway, they piss off the gods of the underworld with their constant ball playing.
Yes, that is right
they play sports SO HARD
that it upsets MAYAN SATAN.
Anyway, the gods summon them down to the underworld
(which is called Xibalbá
because no Mayan story is complete
without about six thousand proper nouns beginning with the letter “X”)
and the gods are all “Hey, guys we heard you like ball playing
GET IT?
WE HEARD.
BECAUSE YOU ARE SO LOUD.”
And the twins are like “What of it?”
And the gods are like “Well if you like ball games so much
how about you play ball with us
FOR YOUR LIIIIVES?!?!”
And the twins are like “This sounds like THE ULTIMATE RUSH.”
Now, if this was a Greek myth
the twins would use some kind of mad skill or insane trickery to beat the gods.
But this is a Mayan myth.
The dudes get killed before the game even starts for smoking a cigar the wrong way
and then they get decapitated and buried under the ball court
except for Hun’s head which they put that on a calabash tree for some reason.
This turns out to be a bad idea
because some chick named Xquic walks by
and Hun spits in her hand
and he is such a true man that this causes her to get pregnant and she gives birth to TWINS.
Fellas
think you’re hot shit because your penis is one and a half inch longer than the national average?
try impregnating a random chick in her hand
with your saliva
from a tree
on which someone has deposited YOUR SEVERED HEAD.
Wait, wait, I went and read it again
it wasn’t even his head
it was just his skull.
Skulls don’t even MAKE saliva
so . . . I guess when he still had skin and stuff he just collected a big glob of spit in there
and he HELD IT.
WAITING.
I want that shit on one of those posters that says “HANG IN THERE.”
So yeah, Xquic gives birth to twins
they are called Hunahpú and Xbalanqué
and these two guys are alive for like five minutes
before they discover their dad’s ball-playing gear
and start playing ball SO GODDAMN HARD
that they piss off the underworld AGAIN
and THEY get summoned down there
and the gods are like “Hey
you may have noticed that severed head hanging from that tree by your house.
That was the last dude who kept us awake with his ball playing.
That was also your dad, FYI.
Why the hell do you guys even like playing ball this much?
Okay, look, do you want to play ball for your lives?”
and the twins are like “THE ULTIMATE RUSH.”