I barely hear him. The moment he’s pulled the handbrake on I’m out of the car and heading up to our flat.
I go into my room and close the door, then collapse with my back against it. There’s the sound of him coming in, his steps hesitate by my door, then I hear his quietly close.
Reasons why you shouldn’t shag your best friend: 1. He won’t be your best friend any more, whatever happens; 2. You know he’s a commitment phobe; 3. A tiny bit of you refuses to stop believing in love, which means the only way it can end is badly.
Chapter 30
Bugger. I’ve overslept again, and I’ve got so much to do. I practically fall out of bed as the alarm goes off and hit my head on the bedside cabinet. I really must move the bed against the wall. Safer all round.
I’ve overslept a few times recently. Since Freddie and Louie went – the first time. Then again after Freddie went – the second time. I woke up the morning after the rehearsal party to find he’d gone.
I’d known he was planning on going back to Rob’s, but doing it like this, without us saying another word to each other makes it feel kind of final. Even if he did leave a note, with a kiss.
There is a physical pain in my chest, my neck is all knotted up and my stomach feels hollow, but I am not going to let it kill me.
I have a job to do, a duty, I have to make sure that Rachel knows all about Michael and Lexie, that she is totally, positively sure that the affair is over, and that Michael loves her, before she says, ‘I do.’
Freddie might be wrong about Michael and Lexie, and fingers crossed he is. It might just have been a one-off like I’ve thought all along, and Lexie’s obsession with Michael might be one-sided. And he might have been telling the truth, and Rach’s big day might still go without a hitch. But I have to be sure. She has to be sure. There are too many ‘mights’.
And then I have to do something for myself. I have to kick Coral’s ass and prove to myself (and anybody who will listen) that, 1. I can make a go of this, I don’t need propping up by Coral any more, I am ready to be just me, and, 2. I can manage without Freddie, I don’t need a man to define me, or to help me pay the rent. Well, it would be helpful as far as the rent goes, but I will work that one out, or find a box-room next to the railway, runway or motorway that is big enough for me and my camera. I can survive on baked beans and charity shop bargains, after all who needs cocktails and nice handbags?
Anyway, my current problem is I can’t get to sleep. So I read. And scroll through Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to torture myself with the perfect lives everybody else is living.
Then I crash out at 4 a.m. and my body forgets to wake up again.
I clamber back on the bed and fling out an arm to turn the alarm off.
Then spot the time.
And realise it’s not my alarm it’s my front door.
My stomach flips. It’s Freddie!
Common-sense kicks in before I’m even out of my bedroom.
He’s got a key. The flip becomes a churn. I hesitate, wondering if it would be much safer all round to dive back under the duvet. But then cave and answer the door instead.
Because I miss him. I miss his easy company, the laughs we used to have, the way he’d listen. I miss having somebody to turn to in the middle of a bad film and raise an eyebrow at. I’ll edit photos and turn round to see what he thinks, and there’s nobody there.
And I hate the empty space where Louie’s bowls used to be. And I hate the sight of Freddie’s toothbrush in the mug – but I can’t throw it out. As long as it is there then it means he might come back. We might somehow be able to find our way back to how we used to be.
Silly, I know.
I’ve not heard from him since he went, and I don’t know where he is or if he’ll be back. It might only have been few days, but right now it feels like forever.
‘Morning! Americano?’ Sally waves the coffee cup in my face and neatly steps into the flat before I can refuse entry. ‘Sorry.’ She looks slightly taken-aback, no doubt by the look of disappointment that I can’t help but feel. ‘Were you expecting somebody else?’
‘No. Nobody.’ The flatness in my tone shocks even me. I need to lighten up. Call the police, or a private detective (though according to all the movies I’ll get ‘he’s not been gone long enough’ or ‘we don’t get involved in domestics’), or not worry until he’s missed paying his half of the rent.
I’ll be really screwed if that happens.
‘How cute.’ Sally is hovering just inside the door, and gazing round. She’s never been here before.
At least she said cute, not tiny, or cluttered, or ‘My God, I never knew you were this hard-up.’
‘Don’t worry, I won’t stay long.’
She’s misread my look of horror. I’m frantically trying to remember if there are knickers drying on the radiator, or the remnants of a two-day-old pizza on the table. I’ve been busy. What can I say?
‘It’s fine, fine. Come in.’
She takes the armchair, and I sit on the sofa, our knees clash and we both flinch. We look at each other awkwardly. Hands wrapped around coffee cups. Normally when we meet we have escorts. A one-on-one for me and Sal isn’t natural.
‘It’s a bit embarrassing.’
You got it.
She takes a deep breath. ‘It’s Jack.’
‘Oh, God, he told—’ I mentally zip my mouth. One day, I’ll learn that I have to listen, not talk.
‘Told you what?’ She frowns. ‘What are you on about now?’
‘Told me, told me you were angry about his arm!’ Ha, think I covered that one well. ‘Sorry, sorry, but it wasn’t me, I didn’t …’
‘Oh, whatever.’ She waves a dismissive hand. ‘Of course I don’t blame you for that, it’s nothing. Why would he think I was cross about that?’ Her frown is even deeper this time. She’ll need emergency Botox before the wedding if she carries on. ‘You see that’s the problem.’
‘It is?’
‘He hasn’t a clue what bothers me. I mean, that’s insignificant, isn’t it?’
‘It is? Oh, shit, yes, it is.’ I nod frantically.
She knows. She’s going to tell me the news and I’m going to have to prepare my ‘I hadn’t got a clue, what a shock’ face. If I can be bothered. To be honest, right now, Freddie and Rach are top of my priority list.
‘You see, this is the biggie …’ She pauses, and I’m going to burst if I have to hold this expression of shock back much longer. She leans forward. ‘I was going to talk to you at the party, because I know you’ll be sensible, and you can keep a secret, but then that stupid jerk interrupted.’
‘Andy?’
‘Jane, I’ve got to talk about this with somebody. You don’t mind, do you? I mean I know we’re not that close, but you can be objective, and you’ve not got loyalties. Rachel will just try and smooth things over, tell me it will be fine, and I can’t exactly talk to Maddie or Beth, can I?’ She rolls her eyes.
I swallow. My throat is suddenly very dry. Sandpaper. ‘No. Good heavens, no, definitely not.’
She gives me a funny look. ‘I’ve known for ages I guess … well, had my suspicions.’
‘You did?’ It comes out all squeaky. I can’t say more, though, because I don’t know if it’s something she spotted in little Joe’s face that made her twig, or if Jack’s said something.
I still can’t quite believe that Beth would do such a thing, however much she dislikes Sally. However jealous she is.
This goes way beyond normal point scoring. Or feeling you weren’t part of the gang at school.
Knowing Jack is the father, knowing they must have had a ‘thing’ has completely shocked me.
Beth has always been sharp and snarkey, but the person I would have least expected to shaft her friend. And, as for Jack, well, Jack honestly convinced me that he still had feelings for Maddie, that it had all been a complete cock-up, that he’d do anything to turn back the clock. But because he couldn’t he wanted to be loyal, kind,
to Sally. The woman he married.
I should have broken his bloody legs, not just his arm.
‘I mean you just know, don’t you?’
‘Hmm.’ I nod, encouragingly. I don’t feel like I know anything any more. I didn’t know Freddie was keeping things from me. I didn’t know he was planning on moving. I didn’t know he’d try to force my hand into starting up on my own when I wasn’t ready.
‘You can tell if things aren’t right, but you just ignore them.’ Sally is still droning on, but then she suddenly slumps, which catches my attention. Sally’s bright smile drops. It is not Botoxed into place like I suspected. ‘You just won’t believe this, but Jack and I have not had sex for nearly six months!’
Whatever I thought she was going to say, it wasn’t that. I nearly say I managed for much, much, longer, and despite popular opinion my body parts did not self-seal (they seemed to work better than ever after a break), but I don’t think she wants to hear that. She does have a husband after all, my starvation period was self-imposed.
Luckily, Freddie had re-ignited the flame. All in perfect running order here, thank you. For now.
I try to concentrate on what she’s saying.
‘He used to go on and on about how he wanted kids, and I mean I know I wasn’t that keen at first, I’ve got my career to think about, and my boobs and stomach, and I mean down there. Everything will flop, droop, expand, won’t it?’ I keep my mouth tightly shut. ‘Not that it makes any difference if it’s not getting attention. I mean how the frig does he think we’ll make a baby if he refuses to ever try? And,’ she really looks like she might cry now, ‘I like sex!’
‘Well, erm, maybe it’s just a phase? Maybe he’s busy at work? Got a lot on his mind?’
She shakes her head violently. ‘I guess,’ she gazes at me with sad eyes, ‘I always knew things weren’t right between us, I just kidded myself.’ A tear plops onto her perfect cheek and she wipes it away, but then more follow in quick succession. ‘I know he’s only staying with me because he feels he has to.’
This is so shockingly close to the truth that I grab a box of tissues and start yanking them out and throwing them in her direction, hoping she doesn’t guess I already know.
‘Oh, Sal.’ We’ve never been big on hugs, just the air-kissing type of hug. ‘I’m sure that’s not—’
‘I bet everybody knows.’
She could be right.
‘Oh, no, no, not at all, you’re the Fearsome Four!’ I laugh, weakly. Is this the point where I tell her that his joy stick has been over worked, that it’s not her, it’s him? That he has dipped his wick in one place too many and already has offspring.
Or do I keep my mouth shut. To avoid Rach’s wedding turning into a bloodbath?
‘He’s just not interested, Jane. I wanted my life to be perfect, so I just made it that way.’ She sniffs. ‘Jack’s never loved me the way he loved her.’
‘He hasn’t?’ I’m confused now. How could Beth and Jack have had this thing going on, and nobody knew?
‘She was his first true love, you never forget your first love, do you?’
Now I am definitely confused. No way was Beth his first love. I’m just about to check who we’re talking about here when she rescues me.
‘Maddie’s the one he loves, Jane. Not me, and, I think getting married was a big mistake. Oh, Jane.’ She crumples completely then, onto my shoulder. ‘It’s a sham. He won’t leave me because he’s too nice, but I know he’s not happy. Neither of us are happy.’
‘Oh, Sal, but you must have been happy at the start.’
She sniffs and lifts her head. Determined to regain her composure. ‘We were, we loved each other. Honestly, we did, it wasn’t like we were pretending. But however much I try to kid myself, we’re so different.’ She puts her head in her hands. ‘I’ve seen the way Jack looks at Maddie when he thinks nobody is watching.’ She gives a heavy sigh. ‘He’s never looked at me that way, and he doesn’t even try these days.’ And the penny suddenly drops. Her drunken outpourings at the rehearsal dinner, when she was talking about the way Freddie looked at me, were about her trying to tell me something altogether different. About herself and Jack. ‘Nobody has ever looked at me like that.’
‘I’m sure he loves you.’
‘But there’s love and there’s love, isn’t there? It’s not right Jane, for either of us, is it?’ I can’t tell her that Jack feels just the same, or at least he did, until Beth popped up. All I can do is hug her. I mean, how the hell does Jack feel about anything?
‘Do you know why I went out with him in the first place?’
I shake my head.
‘I hooked up with him because of Maddie,’ now I’m confused, ‘because Maddie always said how nice he was, how brilliant, how kind, how amazing.’
‘Ah.’
‘And you know what I’m like.’ Safer not to comment. ‘I went for it, ’cos that’s how I am. Maddie had given him the thumbs up, and he was open to suggestions.’ What kind of man wouldn’t be, when the full Sally siren mode was switched on and aimed at them? Like I’ve said, she’s competitive, and she works bloody hard to get what she wants. Jack had been a project. ‘If somebody has something great, then I want it as well. I need it. I needed Jack, do you get that? And he was amazing, she was bloody right, he’s lovely, but he’s gone right off the boil.’ She shrugs, then wipes the fresh tears away with her forearm. ‘I’ve been an idiot, love isn’t a competition, is it?’
‘It’s not.’ Flipping heck, she’s going to say she’s leaving him!
‘I need you to do something for me. I know it’s a massive ask, but you’re the one person I know can do this right.’ She blows her nose loudly, then lifts her chin and looks me in the eye. She’s got guts this girl, and I have a sudden admiration for her, even if we’ll never be best buddies. ‘He likes you, so you’ve got to help me.’
‘I have?’
‘I love Maddie, and I love Jack, and I know that in a perfect world they would have stayed together. But it’s not a perfect world.’ You’re telling me. ‘So …’ She pauses, a very long pause, then grabs my hands.
For a moment, I think she’s going to tell me that she wants to own up that she made a mistake, that she’s going to give them a second chance. And if she’d told me this two weeks ago I’d be doing a happy dance. But now?
I needn’t have worried, though.
‘I need you to talk to them. I want you to check nothing is going on. And if Jack is going to carry on being such a misery, pining like some lovesick donkey, then I need to know. The no sex thing is bad enough.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘But it’s not fair on me if he’s going to be chatting and laughing with her all the time, is it? I can’t just play second best, can I? I’ll look a right idiot!’
I’ve gone from wanting to hug Sal, to wanting to shake her. It was always like this, she just can’t help but be competitive, she needs to win. At everything. Instead I just groan.
‘Will you talk to him? He’ll listen to you.’
This could be tricky.
‘Please, Jane? I mean, my marriage might end anyway, but I’m not going to be made a fool of. I need to give this one last chance, throw everything at it. But if we’re doomed then I need to know so that I can make the decisions.’
‘Don’t you think it’s better if you talk to Jack yourself? Or you could go to marriage guidance or write to an agony aunt, or something?’
‘Marriage guidance is for people who can’t sort their own problems out.’ She huffs a bit. ‘I can, I just want you to help, if that’s not too much to ask? All I want is a decent sex life and him to listen to me when I’m talking to him and stop leaving the bloody towels on the bedroom floor, oh, and the toilet lid up, and squashing the toothpaste in the middle is annoying.’
I think she’s got a pretty challenging list there – I reckon sex is the least of her problems.
If Freddie comes back though I’m not sure I can go back to living with him and not having sex. Or a cud
dle on the sofa, or a snatched kiss as I head into the bathroom and he comes out.
Oh, God, what have we done?
‘Just ask him if he’s prepared to try, can’t you?’
I nod, because what other choice do I have? And she picks up her coffee and waltzes out of my life as though a huge burden has been lifted.
So, what the fuck do I do now?
Chapter 31
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of Rach’s life, and I’m feeling good. Well, as good as can be expected. This is partly because I’ve just had a text from her:
Beth doesn’t think she can make it to the wedding. ☹ Joe’s got chickenpox. R x
I squeal and punch the air. Yes!
Okay, I’m not happy that the poor little thing feels like biting ants have crept under his skin, and it is a shame for Rachel that one of her besties won’t be there. And Beth is entertaining. But, I mean, she is a bit of an attention seeker, and I wouldn’t put it past her to go public after a couple of drinks, especially if there was a lull in proceedings.
Sal would probably castrate Jack on the spot, because although she’s realised their marriage isn’t perfect she is not the type to forgive and forget. And once she’d done that then she definitely wouldn’t end up with a better sex life.
Rachel would be devastated, as they’re the fearsome foursome, and any hope of a Maddie and Jack reconciliation would be out of the window.
No. Beth not being at the wedding is perfect.
I type a response:
Oh, no, what a shame. Hope he’s not too poorly J x
Me, too. See you later R x
Then I grab my camera bag, mobile and a few other bits and bobs, and head for the door.
I’ve got a ton load of work to do before I head up to Rachel’s tonight.
I’ve made it quite clear to Coral that I’m not prepared to be her dogsbody any more and told her all about my new IG account. I just know she’ll have been on there and seen the comments, including the ones from Daniel, who absolutely adored the photo of Louie posing in his diamanté collar. It was a freebie, my first solo freebie! In fact, Louie had been approached by a supermarket, and agent and several pet product suppliers as a result – just before Freddie whisked him away.
Bridesmaids Page 24