I’m never going to be an influencer, I don’t want that. I’m a photographer, but I want to be a respected one. And to make a reasonable living.
It makes me feel sad. Louie has gone. I really need to talk to somebody, find out how I can fight to at least get shared custody.
I blink away the upset, double check I’ve got my keys, then slam the door behind me. I haven’t got time to blubber, I’m on a countdown. I have photos to take, a load that need editing and scheduling, and packing to do.
Outside, it’s the most perfect Friday morning. The sun is shining, the blossom adorns the branches like the perfect bouquet and even the birds are excited.
This must be a good omen, tomorrow is going to be just perfect. I know it is.
Michael will have talked to Rachel, and hopefully told her everything, leaving me with a clear conscience, phew. After Freddie’s revelation that Lexie had been more than a one-off slip-up, I’d confronted Michael. I had tried to meet him in person, but he’d dodged that one quite neatly, and he had been ignoring my phone calls until I’d texted him saying I had it on firm authority that his minor transgression had been major, and if he didn’t talk to me within the hour then I’d be telling Rachel.
He called me three minutes later and swore that 1. It was over, and 2. He’d tell Rach everything.
You’ve no idea how much better I feel, knowing that the truth is now out there and whatever happens in their marriage is based entirely on their own decisions. I know she’ll forgive him, and I’m sure it will make their love stronger. I just hope I’ve not cocked up, and she’s going to feel she can never trust me again.
Now all I have to do is talk to Jack, for Sally, and try to find out if their marriage has a chance. I need to help my friends be honest and open. And it looks like Sal, Maddie and Jack have been anything but with each other.
Who knows what will happen, but as Maddie said things do have a habit of working out how they’re supposed to.
I just hope Jack isn’t now such a jerk that he moves from Sally to Beth, because it’s the honourable thing to do. I might have to kidnap him and lock him away until he comes to his senses.
I’ve not checked my tea leaves, I don’t drink tea it gives me a headache, and I’ve not got a feeling in my waters, but I do feel light and positive. Though that could just be because I’ve already had two black coffees and am on a caffeine high.
The day whizzes by, and I kick off my shoes with relief, dump my bags, make a drink then head through to my bedroom.
After a hectic day working, the flat seems even emptier than it did before, if that’s possible, so I’m glad that I’m going to have to get a move on and rush straight out again.
Another evening here on my own would be depressing. I mean, for heaven’s sake, I’ve now got to face up to the fact that I’m probably never going to be leading the charge up the aisle, I’m destined to forever be the bridesmaid. Which is something I don’t want to brood about. Normally I would talk to Freddie, but Freddie is now part of the problem and not the solution. So, having proved myself right on the shouldn’t-do-it front, I am now going to devote my life to my career. My way.
I grab my wheelie-case and start to throw stuff in. My bridesmaids dress is already at Rachel’s, there was no point in me bringing it back here. But I need overnight stuff, make-up, posh frock to change into in the evening (we all agreed that would be a good idea) and fresh clothes for the following morning. Scared stiff I’d forget something crucial I made a list, so it’s easy.
I have a minor panic, when I realise I don’t know where my pretty satin bridesmaid shoes are, then suddenly remember. I grab the box, shove it next to the suitcase on the bed and throw in a few final toiletries. Hair, and a splash of make-up and I’m ready to roll.
I’m actually quite pleased with myself, talk about organised and positive!
Everything gets tossed in my car, and I’m off – ready for my best friend’s big day, and whatever lies ahead …
Chapter 32
‘What’s the matter, Jane?’
‘Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I can’t wait for tomorrow!’
We are spending Rachel’s last night as a single woman at her parents’ house. They have gone out for dinner with her Great Aunt Mabel, who they only ever see at weddings and funerals (she doesn’t bother with christenings). Her mum has left us a massive lasagne, with a much smaller salad (too late to think about diets now, girls!), garlic bread, lots of soft drinks and one bottle of Prosecco (you need to be fresh-faced tomorrow – think of all the photos!).
I love Rachel’s mum. I love my own as well, but if I ever got to pick a second one it would be Rachel’s.
Rachel spoons a massive dollop of lasagne onto each of our plates, then adds a few lettuce leaves. ‘I am so sick of salad, it’s all I’ve eaten the past month.’
‘Apart from the pizza.’
‘And ice cream. Yeah, yeah.’ We eat in silence for a few minutes.
‘Well?’ I should have known she wouldn’t let it drop. ‘Oh, come on, you can’t kid me!’
‘Really, it’s nothing important, and this is all about you. Look, I’ve even brought you a cake!’ I crack open the Tupperware box with a flourish.
I’d done a photoshoot the day before with this baker who made the most amazing cakes. He’d insisted I take one. ‘They’ve been under the lights for ages, they’ll be fine, but I can’t sell them. Elf and safety and all that. And if I eat any more cake I’ll get a saggy bottom.’ We’d both laughed. He had the least saggy bottom I had ever seen. Talk about rock buns, his were just calling out for an experimental grope. And he was flirty. Believe me, if I’d been in the market for a quick fling, he’d have been the cherry on the top of my cupcake list.
But I’m not, so I just took the cake, muttered about colour saturation and shot off to edit the photos. They were good, definitely good enough to eat, and his Insta account sprung into life the moment he loaded one up.
‘Wow, we should have got him to do the wedding cake. That is amazing!’
We both stare at the luscious icing, which is practically glistening.
‘It looks too good to eat.’
‘Bollocks.’ I laugh, grab a knife from the block and cut into the cake. ‘Believe me, these are as good as they look. They’re all fluffy and melt in your mouth, and really zingy.’
I’d tried my hardest to make them look totally edible, because they were. It wasn’t a case of not judging a cake by the cover, these were total bliss.
We both close our eyes as we eat and make the type of noises you’d never want to hear on a playback.
‘Oh my God. This is orgasmic. He could make a fortune marketing these to girl’s who’ve just split up, they are the best sex substitute ever.’
‘I’ve totally cocked up, sleeping with Freddie.’ It bursts out of me before I can stop it. I think it’s Rach talking about sex that’s done it – and the realisation that the best sex I’ve ever had in my life is probably over.
‘I love my work, I don’t want to move and start again, and he didn’t tell me he knew …’ I can’t tell her what he knew, ‘… stuff. Important stuff.’
Rachel drops her fork. ‘What stuff, what do you mean, move?’
‘We’ve had a row and I think he’s dumped me.’ Then something else bursts out of me, a big, fat horrible tear. I was going to be all casual and matter of fact about this. Not working out.
‘But you slept together, you had amazing sex!’
This makes it worse. ‘I know!’
‘He drove all the way home so he could see you.’
‘I know.’ I think I’ve got my glum face on, it feels that way.
‘You have got to be kidding me. I don’t believe it!’
‘I believe it. I mean I did know he’s a total commitment phobe, didn’t I? And I did know that I am a total dead loss when it comes to picking men.’
‘But this is Freddie!’
‘This is Freddie.’ I wipe the dampness of
f my face and sigh, deeply. ‘I thought he was different, I thought he understood about my work.’
‘He does.’
I shake my head, feeling very sad, and very tired all of a sudden. ‘He’s been offered a job in Scotland and wants me to go and start again.’
‘He wanted you to move with him? That’s something isn’t it? That’s not dumping!’
‘But I can’t go yet! I mean, he’s not as bad as Andy, he didn’t say I should stop taking photos and learn how to touch type and photocopy and work a paperclip, but he did think I could just forget everything I’ve been doing and start again.’ I pause. ‘Well, he didn’t actually say that.’ He didn’t, and it’s unfair to accuse him of being anything like Andy when he’s been totally supportive. Even as I’m explaining to Rachel it’s all becoming much clearer about what our row was really about. Fear. I’m petrified about what I’d be risking if I went with him. ‘Oh, Rach, I’m not ready, I’m too scared to take a massive step like that and risk losing everything, my friends, the money Coral pays me. I need to be here, Rach, near to London to do what I really want. And,’ I try a smile. It’s a bit weak, but I’m trying, ‘I want to be near to you.’
‘Oh, Jane, you’re never going to lose me, wherever you are. And you’d have Freddie, if you went with him.’
But would I? I’d always thought I could never match up to his ‘perfect woman’, now I don’t know whether she even ever existed.
‘I might have overreacted a bit, but it was a shock.’ And so was the fact that he knew about Lexie and had never told me.
‘Oh, come on, you must be wrong …’ She pauses. ‘You said ‘think’. How can you think you’ve been dumped? You live together!’
‘Exactly. Except he’s gone.’ I make a pile of the cake crumbs on my plate.
‘What do you mean gone?’
‘Gone, gone. He was gone when I got up in the morning, I don’t think he’s coming back. I was horrible to him. I said he was as bad as all the other men I know!’
‘Oops.’ She flinches, then places her hand over mine. ‘But you two were great together, you were closer than anybody else I know.’ She peers at me. ‘He even watched soppy films with you!’
‘Yeah, we were great as friends. He’s even taken my flipping kitten.’
‘Yours? I thought it was his?’
‘Well, technically, he’s his, but he’s ours.’ Oh, heck, we have custody issues and we’ve never even been a proper couple.
‘Oh, no, Jane. He was so cute!’
I’m not sure if she’s talking about Freddie or Louie now.
‘So funny, and the way he danced in front of the mirror, and when he didn’t realise his tongue was sticking out.’
‘You are talking about the cat now?’ I hope she is.
‘Oh, hell, sorry, but I can’t believe Freddie’s gone. I mean, he’s got to come back, he lives with you.’
‘The flat seems so bare without Louie.’ And without Freddie, but I can’t say that bit out loud yet. Nor can I imagine life without Freddie.
‘What makes you think he’s actually gone, gone? I mean, didn’t he say he was going back to his mates for a few days?’
‘Well, yeah, but it was a massive bust up.’ I shake my head and do a wide-mouth frog smile. And try not to cry.
Rachel squeezes my hand. ‘Maybe,’ she takes a deep breath, as though she’s about to say something she knows I’m not going to like. ‘Maybe you’ve not got over what Andy did, that you’re not, well, trusting him like you need to? Did anything happen that …’
I shake my head vehemently. I can’t tell her why I no longer feel like I trust him one hundred per cent. ‘Oh, God, I’ve ruined everything by sleeping with him. He was my mate. I love him.’ I do a funny hiccup at the end.
‘Love like in like a lot, or as in,’ Rachel clutches at her heart area dramatically.
‘Stop! I don’t know! But it doesn’t matter now!’ I don’t know why I am being so over the top emotional. I guess it’s all the heightened feelings because of the wedding, and the fact that I need to tell Rachel that I’ve been the worst friend ever and kept secrets from her. Well, one major secret.
She’s going to hate me.
I’m set to lose both my best buddies in the space of a few days. And all because of sex. Sex is evil, it should be banned.
Cake is the way forward.
‘Aww, Jane. Are you alright? You look really bad, like you looked after the vodka chase competition.’
I shake my head. I do feel a bit nauseous. That’s what keeping secrets does for you. But I have to pull myself together, for her sake.
‘I’m fine, fine, I’m being daft.’
She puts her hands over mine. ‘He’ll come back, I know he will.’
‘I know, I’m overreacting.’ But the question is, when he comes back, what then? Can we go back to being just good friends, or will it be too awkward, too different?
‘Just chill, I know it’ll be fine. I bet he turns up for the wedding! How long is he supposed to be away?’
‘I don’t know.’ I shake my head. ‘He just said a few days more. But why did he even need to go back? Why had he planned that?’ I frown. Had he engineered that row? Had he done it on purpose, because he’s so rubbish at finishing with people?
‘Maybe something happened, I mean if his mate’s broken an arm or whatever maybe it hasn’t set, or something.’ She pulls a face, we both know she’s clutching at straws. ‘He’ll be back, Jane.’
‘Yeah, sure. I’m being silly.’
‘Not silly, just letting what happened with Andy get to you again. Don’t. It’ll be fine, he’ll be back. He’ll forgive you, whatever you said!’
‘You’re probably right.’ I doubt it.
I look at her. It’s now or never. I feel sick, but I know I’ve got to check she knows about Lexie. Be sure she knows about the woman that nearly came between her and Michael, the woman who also seems to have come between me and Freddie.
One step at a time.
‘There is something else as well. There’s something I need to ask you, Rach.’ I’ve got to. I don’t know if Michael has stuck to his side of the bargain or not, but it doesn’t matter any more. He told me he’d come clean before they walked down the aisle, he promised. If he has, then I’d hate it to come out that I knew and hadn’t told her, and if he hasn’t, well, he can’t blame me for messing everything up, can he?
Well, he can. But it’s Rachel I’m bothered about, not him.
There is no way can I let my best friend say ‘I do’ in front of all her friends and family – and be the only one in the dark. If somebody said something to her on the day, and it all blew up, I’d never, ever forgive myself.
‘That sounds serious!’ Rachel dishes out more Prosecco. Will one bottle be enough? I can’t do this over a glass of water.
‘Rach, I need to ask you something. I know it’ll sound strange but, it’s something I talked to Michael about and he said … Oh, hell, Rach, has he talked to you?’
‘You’re being a bit weird, Jane. What’s up?’
‘Has he told you about, well, that he,’ how do I put this? ‘Did he tell you he had a fling?’ I spit it out and cower, waiting for the fallout.
‘A fling?’ There’s an edge to Rachel’s voice.
‘A woman he—’
‘I know what a fling is.’ She gets up, picks up the plates and carries them to the dishwasher. Speaks with her back to me. ‘You know about Lexie, don’t you?’
Phew, he told her.
‘Well, yes, but …’
‘How long have you known?’
‘A while. I would have said—’
She turns and fixes me to the spot with her gaze. It feels like I’m on Mastermind, in the spotlight, but if I get this wrong I will lose the one person that matters most to me. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Her voice is soft.
‘It was all such a cock up. I was going to tell you at my hen party.’ Wow, I just said that without feeling the sligh
test bit sick. ‘Then things went tits up, and I forgot all about it, then there never seemed the right time. I never thought … and then you guys split up and it didn’t seem important.’ I swallow hard, hoping she’ll understand. ‘Then you got back together, and you were so happy. Rach, you’d sorted out all the problems, all the misunderstandings.’
‘But why didn’t you say something when you knew we were getting married?’
‘I wanted to, but then I thought it wasn’t fair. You’d made up, he’d explained everything, he loved you, you loved him, Rachel.’ I hesitate. ‘And I didn’t want you to hate me for being the one to tell you, or to think I was jealous or something. You know, sour grapes, anti-wedding Jane! I didn’t want to stir things up, there was no point.’
‘Stir things? That’s a funny way of saying it.’
‘You said he’d changed, that he’d moved on, realised what a jerk he’d been. He’d apologised for everything, explained. That you were getting married.’
I wish Freddie was here now. He’d know exactly what to say, he wouldn’t be making a cock-up like I am. I can feel the panic start to flutter in my chest.
‘I didn’t want to upset you for no reason, Rach. I didn’t want …’ I have to say it: ‘I didn’t want you to think I was trying to cause trouble, to split you up.’
‘Oh, Jane, I’d never think that.’ She sits back down at the table. Wraps her fingers round the stem of the glass. ‘I was mad at him when he told me.’ She peers up at me. ‘Did you make him tell me? Is that what you were talking about at the dinner?’
I nod mutely. My mouth dry. ‘You saw us?’
‘I saw you. I thought it was a bit odd, then I thought,’ she smiles weakly, ‘you guys were trying to make up, get to know each other a bit better. Why tell me now?’
‘You’re getting married, I wanted you to know before you did, no more secrets.’ And everybody else in the congregation knows.
She sighs. ‘Shame he couldn’t make that decision on his own.’
Bridesmaids Page 25