Kamikaze Heart

by Craze, Chelle C.

  “Mm-hmm,” I mindlessly made a noise to answer her, forcing the lump climbing from my stomach and into my throat back down to where it originated.

  “Do you know what happens when you poke a bear?”

  “What?” I absentmindedly asked her, trying to think of everything or anything that would stop my growing erection.

  “Want me to show you?” she said in a thick, lustful voice.

  I slowly nodded, not really able to form words. She took my hand in hers and folded all of my fingers into our palms, except my pointer. Now I was intrigued. My efforts were useless. My dick stood at full attention as interested as I was to what she was going to do next.

  She slowly brought my finger to her mouth, and I puffed my cheeks out, holding my breath. I didn’t know what changed and I should probably have stopped her, but we were too far gone. I had to let this play out. The warmth of her mouth encircled my finger, and I closed my eyes, groaning in the agony she was intentionally putting me through.

  “So, when you poke a bear…” she spoke after sucking the tip of my finger.

  “Yeah?”

  “You get bit!” The words popped out of her mouth, and before I could yank my hand from hers, she bit me. She. Fucking. Bit. Me!

  “What are we, three, Trinity?” I all but yelled and sucked on the same tip she had moments ago.

  “Maybe. I was following your annoying lead.” She fell backward onto her back with laugher and shoved my elbow with her own. I wanted to be mad at her, but she had a point. I was deliberately annoying the piss out of her, just to get a rise from her…and I finally got one.

  “You bit me.”

  “You poked me.”

  “Your point?”

  “All of these.” She licked her teeth and laughed before a poor attempt of a growling noise left her mouth.

  “I’m scared.”

  “You should be.” She laughed again, and I was, but it wasn’t for the reason she was insinuating. I was scared it was too easy to be with Trinity. I was frightened how easily I’d forgotten Jocelyn in the moment. But more than anything, I was terrified I would fuck up not only my life, but everyone’s around me if I didn’t talk with Jocelyn soon. If worse came to worse, and it almost had, I’d have to track her down. I just didn’t want to have the conversation at her job, but if that was the only option she left me with, then so be it.

  10

  Trinity

  “Morning.” Eli yawned and lazily stretched, cupping his lower back within his hands, and a gruff sigh rustled from his throat. “You’re up early,” he groaned, obviously in pain from spending yet another night on the couch. I hated I was the reason he did not sleep in his bed. I shouldn’t be here; it was clear. If the universe had ever tried to point out the irrefutable obvious, it was now. Everything screamed I didn’t belong here, but I didn’t fit into my most recent life…or the one before that now either. I was a misshapen worn piece to an unhemmed solution, and I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere anymore.

  “My furniture isn’t coming, Eli,” I admitted the truth and focused my eyes onto the flattened carpet, watching Alf running across the floor and jumping onto the back of the couch to escape Bart. Eli had been right. Bart didn’t want anything to do with killing Alf; he only wanted to clean him. Occasionally, he was able to catch Alf and crossed his big paws over Alf’s pretentious body as he nipped and cleaned his fur.

  “It isn’t?” He half-heartedly settled into the truth of my words and shrugged. “I figured this much.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah. You either hired the shittiest of moving companies or nothing was coming to begin with,” he acknowledged his theories, scratching his bare abs, my eyes honing onto his exposed body. My mouth went dry. He’d always gotten up before me until this morning, so I had no idea that he slept in his underwear.

  My body was attuned to the night shift schedule, so I rarely woke up before at least noon, and Eli had always been fully dressed when I came downstairs. I wished he was this morning, and in the same breath, I was thankful for the singular pair of boxers covering his body.

  My wanting eyes trailed his firm skin and landed on his crotch. It was second nature. I didn’t want to intrude upon his privacy, but my gaze had its own mission. As soon as I realized what I was doing, my eyes darted to the floor.

  “I’m sorry. You’re usually asleep… Shit.” He made an excuse, covering what most men’s loins did when they first woke.

  “It’s natural. I…I’m sorry, Eli. I shouldn’t be here.” I shook my head, regret of everything pouring down onto me. If Armon were alive, would I even be here? The thought entered my mind as naturally as the uneven breaths expelling from my lungs, and I withdrew. I knew what I was about to do. I would run, but given my lack of money, there was only one place I could hide. My house, the one I hadn’t so much as stepped into since the day I had arrived.

  Turning on my heels, I ran as fast as I was able, needing to get some air. The urgency of putting some space between us being the driving cause.

  Eli was quick to catch me, but when I stepped, he did, too, and our legs somehow intertwined. I lost my footing as soon as the rug flew out from under me, and his body collided with mine. He protectively cradled my head before we smacked the floor, letting his body take the brunt of the fall. His rock-hard excitement unintentionally hit right against my core.

  My teeth captured my lower lip beneath them, and I seethed. It was not something I could fight. It was completely accidental and unwarranted. He was my landlord, and I had just broken things off with Roland. This situation wasn’t something either of us intentionally let happen.

  His face twisted, the force of the blow resonating in what I could only assume was his elbows, and he flexed his body forward instinctively, trying to reposition himself to lessen the pain. When he did, I couldn’t stop the moan that escaped my lips and immediately hated my body for reacting to his. It’d been some time since Roland and I were intimate. I just thought it was our conflicting schedules, not the fact Olivia was on the receiving end of his efforts.

  Eli looked at me through hooded eyelids and shook his head. “Fuck. Trinity,” he muttered, letting his face drop into my hair, resting his chin on my shoulder. The tip of his nose slowly moved along my jawline, and he paused as his mouth rested inches from mine. His eyes glazed over as if the action wasn’t a conscious choice he made. His tongue darted out and wet his lips, still cruising on autopilot, and I froze in place, unsure if I should push him off me or embrace his impending kiss.

  “I’m sorry,” I murmured in a panic, biting my lip again, and did not know if this would be another moment to haunt me. Another moment I ruined. “I didn’t mean to. You normally have clothes on,” I argued, refusing to move even one muscle, not knowing which action was the right one. That was not the truth. I was surer of the answer than I’d been about most things in my life. The last thing I needed was another person to fail in my life. That was what I would do; it was what I always did. I failed Armon by not protecting him, and even though I wasn’t the one who cheated, I buried myself in work long before Roland sank himself into my best friend.

  Tears of self-hate burned my eyelids, and just like that, the universe answered my question. I was not ready for anything. I barely survived each day, much less actually lived it. Getting romantically involved with Eli or anyone else would be a massive mistake.

  “I know. It’s just so damn hot.” He shook his head, his declaration searing against my parted lips, and I didn’t know if he was talking about the weather or our current predicament.

  “I should move.”

  “You should move.”

  He pushed his weight upward and barricaded my body with his muscular arms. I clenched my fists to my sides to keep from running my fingers along his flexing muscles or pulling him into me.

  “Fuck it,” he murmured, and determination to do whatever he was tossing the towel onto was decided. I swallowed with anticipation, unable to guess what would happen ne
xt. We were close, but not close enough. He stretched his bent arm over my head for support as a lazy smile touched his lips. The slight chance that this could be a ploy to seek his revenge and bite me slipped into my mind, but I really didn’t think he would. A little time had passed since I’d bitten him, but he found a way to work it into our general conversations every day.

  His hot breath painted with desire fell from his parted lips as his eyes flickered shut for a second. He was going to kiss me. The only question was, would I let him?

  Alf hissed and zoomed past our heads, answering the question for both of us as he slinked his way through the hole in the screen door. Bart was not far behind him. His thick paws clapped against the floor as he barreled through the living room and into the foyer.

  “Bart. No!” we both yelled in unison, knowing we were in his direct path and he was about to trample one or both of us. He hesitated before his front paws connected with Eli’s back, and then he used the force of his back paws to push off, opening the screen door and running outside.

  Our bodies crashed together, and we reacted like thunder and lightning. Eli moaned, and I tried to count the seconds to distract me from the obvious. I would echo his agony a few moments later. Neither of us wanted to be in this position. It was clear. I couldn’t pinpoint the emotion that often blazed behind his irises, but it was undeniable something haunted him as it did me. It was in the way it took more effort on his part to smile in the conventional parts of life, the ones where happiness came naturally to others. Others who were not me, that was.

  His eyes closed as he dropped most of his weight on me, accepting the defeat the world kept throwing at us, letting an exasperated breath flow outward from his body. He was careful to politely shift his body so our bodies didn’t remain connected for long.

  “I should go,” I spoke, knowing one of us needed to bring the truth to light, after what seemed like an eternity.

  “Where are you going to go? Work? To an empty home?” he asked, and I winced at the ruthlessness of his words. His features softened, and he climbed onto his knees, kneeling in front of me as I stood. My heart ached with the pain of his honesty. I didn’t know him any more than he knew me, but somehow in the short time of being here, I slipped into a comfortable state with him. He made it easy to let my guard down around him, even though he had never asked for me to do so. This was dangerous territory. One in which I knew with every fiber of my being I did not belong in.

  “I don’t know,” I reported in a weak voice, unintentionally closing my eyes. His truth hurt me more than it should have. He didn’t know what he was saying, but that didn’t matter to my heart. He was right. I didn’t have a job, anywhere to really call home, and my closest friendship was the strange one we shared. Although, I wasn’t even sure that was what we were. It felt wrong to think we fell under that label, but we were not a couple. He was someone I had taken advantage of in a moment of weakness.

  I did have a vacant house I could retreat to, but that was all it was. Bare bones and walls were all I could call my own. I only had what I stuffed into my car to my name, and it was not the first time I’d been in this situation. I’d just finished nursing school and started my first job when Roland and I met. I depended on grants and handouts to make it through college, and after I graduated, living in the dorms wasn’t a choice anymore. I was renting a room at the cheapest motel in town, and when Roland found out, he insisted I move in with him at once. No obligations or strain on our new relationship, we would just be roommates. In the end, I guess that was what we were. We most certainly weren’t what each other needed.

  “I want you here, Trinity,” he declared with conviction, pushing off the floor and catching the door as I opened it. A battle ignited internally; it was written in the way he fought the words as they came out.

  “Are you sure?” I quietly probed after a moment of reflection, giving him a reason for his battle to topple over onto one side or the other, forcing a weary smile upon my face.

  “Yes. I’m more certain of this than anything.” He nodded, sincerity soaring outward from his words and wrapping around my heart, willing it to beat a little faster and enlisting me into his internal warfare. It was then that he claimed a tiny piece of my soul as a casualty to his war, even if he was unaware of what he was doing.

  “Okay,” I softly uttered, not admitting how thankful I was he had saved me from myself, even if it was only momentarily. Something I’d thought only Armon was capable of doing—stopping the weight of the world from burying me beneath its heaviness.

  11

  Eli

  “I’m not feeling well,” I lied, not recognizing my own voice as I deceived Jocelyn, and peered around the kitchen corner, hoping Trinity could not hear me. I didn’t identify with this ugly part of who I’d become, but after Jocelyn had avoided me for almost a month, I didn’t feel like chatting about what floats would be in the upcoming Valentine’s Day parade. Blackwell wasn’t a town that regularly celebrated every occasion, but Jocelyn rambled on about how she convinced the mayor it would increase tourism. Like me, Blackwell more than likely wanted to be left alone, but she was relentless. She made me someone who lied to their fiancée out of spite. Truthfully, I couldn’t pin that one on her. It was all mine to claim. I wasn’t doing much better in the truth department with Trinity either. The topic hadn’t come up in conversation between us, but it was something that I should have led with. She was more than forthcoming to tell me of her past when I asked, but we never talked about me…or her really for that matter, other than on the day she arrived.

  We both avoided the subject of our attraction and always kept a ridiculous amount of space between us. I watched her when I was certain she wasn’t reciprocating the maneuver. It was then, when she thought no one could see her, that she came alive. As if someone else being in her world altered who she could be.

  Her body easily swayed with the melodramatic song floating from the speakers of my surround sound, and I ended the call, living in the moment. My body rattled with the betrayal I was letting in by loving how her hips flowed with the music. She had become something important in my life, whether she meant to or not. I had no idea what I was to her. A home? A safe place? A friend? Maybe more? I really had no idea and shouldn’t care, but I did. I shook my head, hating the fact I could not bring myself to stop intruding on her personal world. It was clear she was broken, and by being here she was trying to learn to fly again. I didn’t know what life occurrences had clipped her angelic wings, but I hated I couldn’t be the one to erase every measurable ounce of pain she carried behind her sea blue eyes.

  It was unquestionable I needed to be true to her and myself. I didn’t like who I was quickly mutating into. She didn’t ask for any of this, but then again, neither did I. She had answered an ad I had long forgotten about, but when she called, there was something within her pleading tone that I could not refuse.

  “I’m engaged,” I hastily choked out, walking into the living room and spinning the volume knob down to make sure I could clearly be understood.

  “You’re what?” she gasped, her body freezing in mid-stride. I hated the ache of disloyalty that resonated from her. “Oh, God.” Her hands raked through her black hair, wrecking its usual perfection. “I’m Olivia,” she cried, fixating her attention on the couch and then finding me.

  “Olivia?”

  “She was my best friend. The one my fiancé sought comfort in.”

  “You’re nothing like her.”

  “How am I not? How am I to know this isn’t exactly how they connected? It had to be innocent at first. Isn’t everything? This was.” She pointed with her hand, motioning between where we stood, making it clear I was not the only one carrying a hidden agenda. The truth knocked me backward a few steps. I thought I was the only one who longed for the other. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined those feelings were reciprocated.

  “Armon would be so disappointed in who I’ve become,” she agonized vaguely, shaking
her head and staring out the bay window. It was a name I had never heard her say, a new piece to the puzzle of Trinity.

  12

  Eli

  “I’m not feeling well,” Trinity echoed the words I thought she hadn’t heard. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she stressed each word, giving away the importance of keeping them a secret. I wanted her to let me in, but I had no right to ask for her to.

  “Can we just be friends?” I begged her in a weak voice, needing to be something in her life, regardless how wrong and minimal it might be. She didn’t owe me anything, and at this point, I would have given her everything. Being with Jocelyn no longer made sense, not that it had before Trinity arrived, but it definitely didn’t now. I needed to break off our engagement before Trinity and I were both marked with a scarlet letter. Even though neither of us intended for this to happen, at times, two broken people had a way of completing the other in a way no one else could.

  “He was my son, okay.” She wept, her eyes not meeting my gaze as she rushed through the house gathering the few things she had unpacked, throwing them into a small bag. All of the sudden, her behavior seemed to make sense. She wanted to cuss, but didn’t. She guarded her true self, afraid to let someone else see her imperfections. She was a mother. The past tense of her statement strangled me to where I stood, unable to form the words of condolences I knew she needed to hear. Yet again, she’d opened up to me, and I’d been a dick to her. She did not deserve any of this. I didn’t deserve her.

  She called for Alf, but of course, he was in hiding as usual. From the time Bart’s feet hit the floor to the time he collapsed, Alf did his best to make himself sparse, not always being successful.

  “Just bring him to me when he turns up,” she beckoned me deeper into guilt as new waves of heartache crashed behind her ocean eyes. “I just. I can’t be here.” She rushed out the door and fled across the field to her house for the first time since she stepped foot onto the soil we currently occupied.