Kamikaze Heart

by Craze, Chelle C.

  “Dad’s Skillet,” Eli politely corrected. “I’m sure Ray would give you a shot, but you might want to learn the correct name before we go down there.” He had a valid point. I didn’t know this Ray guy, but I wouldn’t hire someone who didn’t know the name of my business. It was bad etiquette, among other things.

  “We?” I unintentionally snapped, my voice sounding more bitter than I intended. It was unmistakable Eli was trying to right his wrongs by helping, but it still didn’t make me feel any better knowing he was engaged. I wanted to believe his words, but I did not want to be the reason he could potentially deliver a fatal blow to someone else’s heart.

  “Yes. Do you know where it is?”

  “I’m sure GPS does.”

  “Yeah, I have to go into town tomorrow anyway. I can give you a ride if you want.” He stood, holding his hand out to help me to my feet, his eyes gleaming with agony. For some reason, he needed this as much as I did. I was sickened with the possibility this was how Olivia felt. Did she suffer an internal battle before hopping into bed with Roland, or did she even care?

  I shook my head, trying to forget it. Eli was not Roland, though. In fact, in the brief time I had been in Louisiana, I had gotten closer to Eli than I had in the many years that Roland and I were together. Eli asked the tough questions and was there to collect the collateral pieces of damage. I guess, only time would show if these were all assumptions or truths.

  The only thing I was one hundred percent certain was I would never, ever be an Olivia. I would make sure of it. It was something I would stand by. It was my new creed. I refused to force this pain I carried onto someone else.

  After a cleansing breath, I closed my eyes, not able to look at him. I wasn’t sure what emotional state he was in, but if the right one was not present or the wrong one was, I wouldn’t ever find the strength I had right now to tell him. I sat back onto the floor, pulling my knees against my chest, and patted the space beside me.

  “I’ll tell you about Armon, on one condition,” I warned, my heart already tightening with fear and my body losing the tiniest grasp I had on time.

  “Name it.”

  “No questions.”

  “Deal,” he agreed to my circumstances, and soon after, the warmth of his side was beside mine, giving me the courage to remember and share the memory of my son.

  14

  Eli

  “Friends, right?” she questioned in a mumble after a moment of hesitation.

  “Yes,” I assured her with a lie in my best comforting tone, certain that was not what we were. Although, I wasn’t sure why it held importance in this second. Somewhere along the way, the lines had blurred in my head, but I refused to cross them completely. I would not stoop to the same level as so many people in our lives had. I planned to stop at the salon tomorrow and speak with Jocelyn. I’d told myself I wouldn’t break her heart at her job, but she had really not left many other options for us to discuss what was going on with us. Of course, she did call today, but when I tried to change the subject from a parade to us, she interrupted me and looped our conversation back to the celebration in one way or another. That was why I didn’t want to be on the phone with her anymore. I couldn’t gauge her reactions or tell if a string of decorated cars were really more important to her than the relationship we once had. It was over, and had been for a while, but I wouldn’t cross the barrier with Trinity until I spoke with Jocelyn. I wouldn’t be that guy anymore than I already had.

  “Okay. This burger really is pretty amazing,” she admitted, shoving another bite into her mouth before setting it onto the wrapper and clearing her throat.

  I wished I could see inside Trinity’s mind, to understand why she jumped from one topic to another. If we weren’t friends, but something more to me, would she keep her secrets to herself?

  “Armon was the best thing in my life. Still is.” She sniffed. “Always will be.” She knotted her fingers together and squeezed, her eyes wandering around the dimly lit room. “Without him, I don’t know how to live. It was like being a mom was the only thing I was ever truly supposed to see through to the end, ya know? Have you ever felt like that? Like there was only one thing you were supposed to fulfill with your presence?”

  “Mm-hmm,” I murmured quietly, mostly to let her know I was still with her. At least part of me was. The rest of me was beating myself senseless with shame. I had no clue how I’d let myself care for her so deeply. She was asking if I had ever felt like one person gave me purpose. Yes. For me, it was her. I didn’t want it to be, but I was also thankful it was her that held that title in my heart. None of it made sense and all of it did in equal measure. I could not take another day without talking with Jocelyn. The fact I might lose them both was a very real possibility. Jocelyn for whatever was going on between Trinity and me and Trinity for withholding the truth. It was something unintentional, but it did not excuse it.

  “I just don’t know how to do it anymore.”

  “What?” I asked, curiosity getting the best of me, breaking the one thing she asked of me.

  “Live,” she admitted after a moment of reflection. “I go through the motions, but I’m barely here. The important parts of me were buried along with him.” It was in that moment of torment, as the weight of the world swallowed her whole, the strength to restrain myself disappeared.

  Nervously, I took her hand in mine and squeezed it. I was here. She needed to know that. Her heartache for her son would never heal, but I vowed to myself to make her remember it was okay to hurt. It was okay to live. Even if some days it seemed intolerable, I would keep reminding her. I was okay with doing this as a friend, if that was what she needed. I would be whatever she needed, even though I would never see her as just a friend.

  My heart shattered, along with hers, the further she exposed herself. It wasn’t long before we both wept.

  “I need some air,” she choked out apologetically as she stood and walked out of the living room and outside. “I just don’t know how to do it without him,” she quietly mourned, a whole new wave of silent sobs crashing out of her. Her face contorted as the excruciating memories struck inside her body, but no measurable sound left her quivering lips.

  “I’ll keep reminding you.” For the first time since she started her story, our eyes met, and her lip trembled as she broke all over again. She was reliving the loss of her son right beside me, and the way her words seeped with torment, it was unquestionable she did daily. Every strange action and second of reluctance all made sense. She fought each day to force blood through her body, whereas for the rest of us it was not something that needed thought.

  “As a friend, of course,” I lied again, and almost gagged on the simple label.

  “Of course,” she whimpered, a sob breaking free, and I hated myself. I thought my life was so hard because I was cheated on. Yet, the woman before me not only bore that pain, but would never overcome the suffering of losing her son.

  On a whim, I closed the distance between us and carefully wrapped my arms around her quaking body. I took each shudder into my body and willingly allowed it to fracture me as much as it did her. She was a fallen star that used to glow with purpose. Yet, once that reason shot her out of the sky, the willpower to burn was gone. She simply lay amongst the rest of the forgotten asteroids, unlucky enough to be cast to Earth, waiting for the day she would finally be crushed. The unforgiving universe had all but destroyed her, and I simply was a semi-broken man without answers. The only thing I could do was this. I would lie with her in the dirt, sharing her fault lines for as long as she needed. We were merely two souls without direction, but within each other’s arms we became one. Utterly broken. Kamikaze heart.

  I might hate myself in the morning, but tonight I cut my veins open wide and welcomed her into my bloodstream. “I’ll be strong enough for both of us, Trinity.” I fought back the new tears burning my eyelids and grieved the people we used to be, knowing this was a turning point. We would never be the same after this moment. />
  I cupped her face within my hand, and my eyes frantically searched her face for the permission my body needed. I tried, I did, to keep my promise to myself, but I couldn’t. As soon as the slightest nod from her happened, my mouth crashed against hers. I caught her sobs and would continue to kiss them away if she allowed me to.

  Worry filled my body, and I pulled away from her, pissed at myself for not only crossing the line, but blasting the damned thing to smithereens.

  Her eyes reflected the sparkle of the stars in the sky, and they wildly danced beneath the moonlight in confusion.

  “Trinity, I—” barely left my lips and then she fisted my shirt within her small hands. This time she kissed my insecurities away, and one thing was clear. I had never been the strong one between the two of us. Not when I was with Jocelyn and definitely not now. Trinity had somehow found a way to carry out her life, even though someone so important to her was missing. She was the strongest person I knew, and I planned to tell her that some day.

  15

  Eli

  “Jocelyn, can we talk?” I nervously asked as she finished the current client’s cut.

  “Oh. Eli. Of course,” she quickly stammered, glancing at me from her peripherals. “Thank you, Gracie Lynn.” She shook her head as the woman tried to hand her a wad of cash. “Dawn will take care of you up front. Thank you again. You look fabulous!” Jocelyn smiled earnestly, spraying the woman’s mousy brown hair with hairspray to add a final addition.

  “Out back,” barely floated from her lips, and she motioned for me to follow her through the salon.

  Once outside, she lit a cigarette and paced the small paved alleyway, her brown eyes locking on me occasionally. I didn’t speak. I did not know where to begin. Did I tell her I had fallen for someone else? That I didn’t mean for it to happen? Nothing was the right thing to lead with, so I stood silently until she finished her cigarette, giving her the time she needed. Maybe I was stalling a little, but she didn’t notice, so I took the time to gather my thoughts.

  “I’m in love with Abram,” she violently blurted out, the last puff of smog forcing from her thin lips and she snuffed the butt out on the brick wall dangerously close to where I leaned my head.

  “What?”

  “I’m so sorry, Eli. I don’t know how it happened. One of us should have told you before now. You were my best friend. I should have come to you when I had doubts, but I didn’t want to let go of what we had. What we don’t have now,” she honestly declared and physically flinched, closing her eyes as she waited for what she thought would come. She expected me to lose my temper, but I wouldn’t. How could I? We were both to blame now, even if she wasn’t aware of it.

  “How did we get here?” I asked her, saddened by the loss of our ghosts, and took her into my arms.

  “I don’t know,” she quietly whimpered against my shoulder. “You must hate me,” she stated bluntly, patting beneath her eyes and shaking her head in defeat. It was not a question that awaited an answer; it was something she knew with every fiber of her being to be true. Except it wasn’t. Not at all.

  “I don’t.”

  “You don’t?”

  “No,” I hesitated and took a breath, pushing her to arm’s length to look into her eyes as I delivered the news that could be a game changer. “I’m honestly relieved. I care for someone else, too.” It was something I owed her. I could not tell Trinity, but I was pretty sure I expressed it last night. Regardless, it was something Jocelyn should know. Otherwise, the guilt of loving someone else might bury her. It almost had me, and until I told her, I didn’t know that was where my feelings landed exactly. Sure, I cared for Trinity on a deep level, but love? Was it true? All the signs were there, but I hadn’t admitted them to anyone, including myself. Maybe I had denied them because I wasn’t supposed to feel them. Even though my engagement had turned into a big lie for both Jocelyn and me, we hadn’t broken it off, both too afraid to hurt the other. Perhaps the fact that label no longer existed supplied the forgiveness I needed for myself. I really had no idea, but knowing how I felt about Trinity didn’t mean I had to act on it. I couldn’t fully right now…maybe never.

  “You do?” Her eyes relaxed as she mulled over my statement. “Who is she? Is it the woman who never made it into the cottage house? The one that didn’t receive my care basket? Never mind. It’s none of my business.” She hugged me before I had a chance to answer her. “What do we tell people?” She searched my eyes for an answer, but I didn’t have a good one. The fact I never gave her basket a second thought shouldn’t shock me, but it did. Jocelyn was intuitive and strong, and those were a few of the things that made me fall for her so many years ago.

  “To mind their damn business.”

  We both laughed as we clung to the past a little longer, and suddenly it all was clear. Jocelyn and I weren’t each other’s soulmates, but we would always be one another’s first love. It was someone you never forgot. A part of you always loved them. Over the years we had grown apart, and yes, I was hurt that she had run to Abram, and I still didn’t want to see the asshole, but the tiniest part of me professed I would forgive him with time. I was no better than he was at this point.

  I spent the better part of the afternoon telling Jocelyn about Trinity and was shocked when not even one ounce of jealousy piped from her. We were sincerely happy for one another, something I never thought to be possible, given the circumstances we’d ended up in.

  Every now and then she asked questions, and a few times I hesitated, but answered her the best I could without betraying Trinity. After a while, I found the strength to ask about Abram and her. I would be lying if I said the words didn’t sting a little, but I tried not to react too much. I didn’t have that right anymore.

  “So, this is it?” she mused, holding my hands, and kissed me on the cheek.

  “Appears so.”

  “We had some great times, though.”

  “You bet your sweet ass we did.” I laughed. The good memories we’d made together flooded my mind and now outweighed the bad.

  “Where do we go from here?”

  “I’ll be your best man and you can be mine,” I joked with her in a light tone and welcomed the forgiveness I had refused to give myself, hoping she did the same.

  “Deal.”

  16

  Trinity

  “So, tell me. What’s your story?” Desiree insisted, basically shoving two plates of salad into my hands and filling hers with the drinks for table six. It could have been table eleven. I really had no idea what I was doing; I just followed her lead.

  “No story. Not really. Thirty, new to town. Starting fresh.” I nodded, leaving out all the details that were too personal to share with her. The truth was, I had a story filled with unbearable heartache and death, but I wasn’t sharing it with her or anyone else for that matter. This job and place were simply supposed to be a stepping stone in my life. A temporary beginning. Not a place to gash my wounds open and bleed out to the world that didn’t give a damn if I bled out or not. But that was before Eli. Before I traveled the road to this point in my life. I was more than surprised when Ray hired me on the spot and all but threw an apron and order pad my way. I expected to at least be given a uniform, yet here I was carrying people’s food in the best outfit that made the trip from West Virginia.

  “I get it. A bad past. Everyone has them, you know,” she admitted, shutting the door to the conversation quickly after a moment of hesitation spent looking at the cook. She had no idea how eerily close she was to describing my past, but the things she didn’t mention were the ones I refused to acknowledge aloud. The pain that raged through my body was insufferable and the reasons I ran, yet again. It was crippling to dance in the shadows of the past and still hold footing in the future. My body didn’t know how to do basic things like walk properly, when one foot was eight years behind the other.

  I forced an understanding smile on my face, pretending to agree with her. There was no reason to do otherwise, becau
se I wouldn’t give any more explanation to her.

  “A little bit of Blackwell history, everybody knows your business. It’s the curse of living in a small town,” she said in her thick Southern drawl similar to Eli’s—but somehow it differed—while setting the drinks in front of the customers. She took the salads from my wobbly arms, placing them beside the cups with a smile. “Ain’t that right, Tra?” She smiled and winked at the customer seated directly to our left.

  “Unfortunately, she’s right,” he admitted, and their eyes connected for a brief second before he deeply inhaled and exhaled. Without another exchange of words between them, he picked up his silverware and unrolled it with one hand.

  “Another drawback to small towns, you have to see your exes,” she whispered behind her hand as soon as we were out of earshot of the table.

  “I wouldn’t know,” I murmured a tiny lie because what was a small indiscretion when you lived atop a mountain of denial? The truth was, I knew small towns all too well. The closeness used to be something I loved, but now, all I yearned for was seclusion. I didn’t want to connect with Desiree or really anyone here in this forsaken town, but everyone I had met seemed to want exactly that. Until I found out Eli was engaged, the stupid constricting muscle within my chest wanted that precise thing with him. Even though I tried to deny its wishes, I hadn’t been remarkably successful. Now, I had to find a way to let my delicate heart down easily, because the truth was the bullet that would halt its ability to beat.