Jay Walking (Pastime Pursuits)

by Tracy Krimmer

  "You do what you need to do, Chelsea. I just hope you're doing the right thing."

  "I don't know if I am, but I should try, Mom. I'll go every day wondering if I threw away our chance as a family."

  "I get it. I do. Though, I wish you would think about this more and talk with us before making such a decision."

  "I'm a grown woman." I'm tired of being treated like a child. I have my own child and can make decisions on my own.

  "And you're living under our roof. We don't want either of you to get hurt."

  "Well, if we do, it's on me."

  "Don't forget that, dear," she says as she stands, walks over to me and kisses the top of my head. "Your choice, your heart, but James' too."

  I can't help but wonder if bringing Daniel in will break his heart eventually; but, I realize never trying will do the same.

  •••

  My parents keep James busy when Daniel comes over for the first time. We eat lunch first and chat mostly about James. I catch him up on the past few years and the milestones he's missed. He tells me a little bit about his other kids, but I change the subject. I want to focus on us. One day I'll hear more about them, and I'm sure eventually meet them, but right now, I can't.

  James naps at around two, and it's already one, so we should move things along. I planned this around his nap on purpose. Meeting his dad for the first time officially is a big deal, and the snooze after will be good. I get him from my parents and bring him back up to my place.

  I sit James on my lap as Daniel sits across from us. He lays his head against my chest. "Sweetie, I need to talk to you about something. Do you remember Daniel?"

  He hugs me tighter. I think he remembers him but can't know for sure. That's the thing about this age - communication can be challenging. He's gotten frustrated plenty of times when I couldn't figure out what he's wanted.

  "You played with him at the park and had a super fun time. Anyway, Daniel is going to be coming around quite a bit. He's very important in our lives because, well, he's your dada."

  James slowly lifts his head and looks at me with his bursting brown eyes. "My dada? Dan-yul?"

  "Yeah, James. I'm your daddy. I'm so sorry I haven't been around, but that changes right now. We're going to hang out together and have a lot of fun. Are you okay with that?"

  I love Daniel takes control of the conversation and is trying to connect with his son. This is what I wanted for years. To witness it happening almost brings me to tears. James has a dad. A dad, after years of it being only him and me.

  "Okay, Dan-yul." He places his head on my chest again.

  "No, James. Daddy. I'm not Daniel to you. I'm Daddy. And you have a half brother and sister." He pulls up a photo of his other kids on his phone and shows James, who is uninterested.

  I gently push the phone away. "Give him time. He probably doesn't even understand what a dad is."

  Daniel stands up and walks into the bathroom, shutting the door. The words hurt him, but it's the truth. James isn't used to having a male figure in his life besides grandpa. He's not familiar with the term Dad as other kids his age. Momma, Nana and Grandpa. Those are the adult figures in his life. "Honey, you're going to play with Nana for a bit and then take a nap okay?" I pick him up and bring him up to my mom and race back down to Daniel.

  "Can I come in?" I ask as I knock on the bathroom door.

  I wait for a response, and when none comes, I try again. "Let's talk about this."

  "About what?" Daniel says as he bursts the door open. "About how James doesn't know I'm his father? You said yourself he doesn't even know what that is."

  "That's only because he hasn't even been around a lot of kids and their dads. He'll learn what a father is and that it's you."

  "Will he?"

  "Yes, he will." I don't doubt that. As Daniel stares at me, his eyes twinkling with need and hope, searching for answers, I can't help but recall how he hurt me in the past and be fearful of him doing it again, or, even worse, hurting James. Of all this, it's my greatest fear.

  He wraps his arms around me. "You seem pretty sure. Are you certain about James?"

  I swallow."Yes."

  "And you're certain about us?"

  I stare back at him, not wanting to lie, but I do. "Yes."

  chapter twenty-five

  The alarm beeps and I toss my arm to the side to shut it off, nearly pelting Daniel in the face. It took me forever to fall asleep the night before, and when I finally did, I completely forgot he laid next to me in bed. He stayed the night, which I don't want to make a habit, but it got so late, I figured he might as well.

  Waking up with him beside me, I realize, this is real. We really are back together. A couple. A family. This is so surreal. Years ago I imagined Daniel and I united, sans James, and now everything is complete. Getting over him was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and as I lie here with him, I hope it's something I won't go through again. I don't love him - certainly not as a girlfriend loves a boyfriend - but I can learn to again. If that's what is needed for a stable family, I'll push through.

  He looks so calm when he sleeps. His mouth falls open slightly, but he doesn't snore - thank God because I couldn't handle that. Every once and awhile, his cheek twitches and he bites his lip a little. I missed my time with him over the years. The three of us can go to the zoo, parades, spend Christmas together. Eventually we'll buy a house and during the holidays his twins can come stay with us. James will play with his brother and sister, and everything will be perfect. One big, happy family, like I always dreamed.

  His eyes open and he smiles at me. "Hey, Chels." He touches my cheek with his hand and a shiver rumbles through me.

  "Hey," I whisper back. "Did you sleep okay?"

  "Better than I have in months." He leans in and kisses me, his bottom lip landing slightly above my chin. I don't recall his kisses being so wet. "Lying next to you helped." He kisses me again, this time dropping his hand down my neck, and tracing the neckline of my shirt. "I love sleeping in the same bed."

  We only slept. I don't want to have sex with him right away. I need time. My heart skips a beat as his hand moves further down to my waist, pressing against the bare skin between my top and my waistline of my lounge pants. My legs tense up and I catch my breath in my throat. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

  "What about James?" I worry about us waking him up. What's the protocol for having sex with a toddler present in the same home, even a room away? I'm not sure if it's appropriate. Not to mention, I have my doubts I'm ready for this.

  "He's fast asleep." Daniel pulls my pants down. "I missed you, Chelsea."

  His fingertips press on my pelvis as he leads them down to an area he hasn't touched in years. "Daniel, I think maybe we should take this slow." He pushes a finger inside me and I moan, welcoming the intimate touch, but in the back of my mind, wanting to shove him off the bed. "Take our time. We can go to the gym later today, after work." I'm tingling everywhere, trying not to enjoy this, searching for a reason to push him away. "I want to sign up for a boxing class."

  "Shh, Chels." He takes his other hand and places it on my knee, then gently coaxes my legs open. "I'll be fast."

  Romantic. Daniel never won in the romance category, but with our second chance here, I hoped for a little more. I can use work as an excuse, but I know him. When he says he'll be quick, he's not kidding. And, if I want us to be a family, I need to play the part, too. I close my eyes as Daniel crawls on top of me. I slept with him before, and I can do it again. We're a couple now, and this is what happens in a relationship. For the next few minutes, I find a place I can put my mind allowing me to fully enjoy the experience.

  I dream about Jay.

  •••

  My parents are unable to watch James while Daniel and I attend Clint's boxing class, so we take advantage of the daycare at the rec center. The session is only thirty minutes, and this allows him some time to play with other kids. We drop him off, and he gives each of us a hug and
a kiss. Daniel's face lights up when James wraps his arms around him.

  "I think he's already warming up to me," he says as we enter the room the course is held in.

  "I agree. He just needs a little time; that's all." I grab his hand. "We all do." I can do this. I can be in this relationship because it's what's best for all parties involved. Like Axel Rose sang, we need patience. I have that. I have a little. Okay, I'll work on it.

  About ten people fill the room, and I point out Clint to Daniel. "That's the guy who teaches the class. He taught me a bit the other day."

  Clint stands in the back of the room chatting with another man, who's grinning and laughing, showing off the perfect teeth ever. He spots me, waves, and then touches the other gentleman on the arm before jogging over to us. "Chelsea! Did you sign up for my class?"

  "Yeah. I thought it might be fun."

  "Oh, you'll do awesome! Just try not to punch yourself in the face." He reaches over and playfully punches my shoulder.

  "I'm Daniel." He shoves his hand in toward Clint. "Chelsea's boyfriend."

  My boyfriend. I'll admit, it has a weird tone. Even years ago I never referred to him as my boyfriend because based on the nature of our relationship, he didn't qualify as one. Hearing him label himself with the term surprises me, but I suppose that's what he is. Though, he's coming across a tad territorial.

  "Clint Barten, but with an 'e' instead of an 'o'." He waits for Daniel to make a comment, but he has no idea who Clint Barton is, so the reference is lost on him. "Chelsea's quite a fighter."

  Daniel puts his arm around me and squeezes me. "For a girl, right?" he laughs, but I don't find the remark funny. I love how athletic I am now.

  "Look, Bentley and I need to get class started." He points to the man he chatted with before. "You'll do great, but keep an eye out for your own hands." Clint winks before he races to the front of the room.

  "I don't like that guy," Daniel says as soon as he's out of earshot. "I think he likes you."

  I glance around for an open spot to stand for the workout. "We're simply friends. Don't worry about anything." This jealousy is new to me. He's never been this way in the past. I find a place and Daniel joins me a few feet away.

  "I'm not worried. You wanted us together for years. You're not going anywhere."

  Is that how he views this? Like he's doing me a favor and granting me a wish? He approached me about getting back together. Not the other way around. I hope I'm not entering back into a one-sided relationship.

  "Hello, everyone! Who's ready to start this off with jabs and hooks? Not so fast, though, because first we need to warm up! My name is Clint, and I'll be your instructor over the next four weeks." He's shuffling back and forth in front of the participants. "This over here is Bentley. Follow him if you're a first-timer because he's your modifier!" Bentley waves to the crowd. "We'll start off with a warm-up, and then I'll lead you in some boxing moves, followed by a cool down." Clint presses a button on his phone, which is attached to loudspeakers. "But we need some fun music to get started!"

  When L.L Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out" starts playing, I laugh at the cliche, almost forgetting the words Daniel said moments before. As Clint leads us through jogging in place, squats, and lunges as a warm up, my body begins to drip with sweat. I'm overheating and I'm uncertain if it's because this is the hardest workout of my life, or because I realize this is a Daniel I don't know — and am not sure I want to.

  chapter twenty-six

  The space the church gives me is tiny, though not smaller than anyone else's. I peek around at the other vendors. Many of the booths focus on knitting and crocheting, most displaying their Green Bay Packers and Wisconsin Badgers creations. From blankets to toilet paper roll holders, these people make everything. I'm placed next to a woman with a company named Loving Links. At a glance it appears she makes necklaces and bracelets, and she takes custom orders.

  I should create an official business name. I never thought of coming up with one. My items sell under "Chelsea W's Pages," nothing very creative. I'll think on that. My booth not only lacks a Pinterest inspired banner but business cards. I text Amber and ask her to come by with index cards so I can write info on there for people. I brought a notepad for taking orders, but an index card is at least smaller and easier for people to take. It may look a little more professional than ripping off a piece of lined yellow paper.

  The craft fair begins in thirty minutes, but I don't need a lot of time to set up. I spent the weekend before making a ton of new layouts and creating various kit options while my mom and James doodled on my scrap pieces. Between my job, making the kits, and spending every second I can with James and Daniel, I'm exhausted. My eyelids are heavy and burn constantly. I managed to apply some makeup this morning and give my hair a bit of dignity with gentle waves. The event must go well, and people won't come to my booth if I look like someone from The Walking Dead.

  When I told Daniel I entered as a vendor here, he scoffed, labeling my scrapbooking "a hobby." I ignored his doubts and sent in my form to participate anyway. This is a great opportunity for me to get my stuff out there and maybe push my business forward. Tons of time went in to constructing the best kits possible, and I attended Clint's class twice a week to work off my frustrations with Daniel. He stopped coming with me, insisting Clint has a thing for me. He tried to get me to stop going, but I don't want to. Plus, the cardio can only help with training for the 5K, which is only a few months away.

  The 5K worries me a bit. Jay will be there. I miss him a lot, but it's painfully obvious he's not ready to have a relationship with me as long as I have a child, and, well, James is here to stay. I thought getting back together with Daniel would eliminate all thoughts of Jay, but I think he enters into my thoughts more often than not. I feel horrible I'm with Daniel and my heart really belongs to someone else, but this is best for me. Am I cheating on him if I think about Jay? I don't know. But if I'm going to have a chance at making this work, I'll do what I can to try and forget about him.

  I did the math before I came. I need to sell fifteen kits to break even. The past few weeks I put aside money for scrapbook supplies. I hope it pays off. If I can invest my earnings into this, I may be able to turn this into a real business. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and let life pass me by. I want to take part and live out my dreams. The fact Daniel doesn't want me to turns me off.

  Ten minutes after the fair officially begins, Amber pops up at my booth, index cards on hand. "Here you go, girl."

  I unwrap them from the cellophane and immediately begin writing down my name, phone number, email address and Facebook page on each. "Thanks so much for bringing these. I'm not sure why I didn't think of this."

  "You're nervous, and you shouldn't be." She picks up a kit and reviews the contents. "You're awesome at this."

  I take the package from her and put it back where she found it. "Thanks. At least you think so."

  "Is this about Daniel?"

  My pen stops momentarily, but I continue on. "No. I'm just not entirely confident this is for me."

  "Stop it, girl. You know you're awesome."

  I sigh, knowing she's right. I don't suck at this. Things with Daniel, though, aren't what I thought they would be. Not even close. Back when my love for him blinded me, I went along every day thinking this relationship was the best thing for me. Now that I dated Jay, I see how different things can be. "Sorry. You're right." I slap my pen on the table. "I'm going to sell the shit out of my kits today."

  Amber gives me a thumbs up and backs up from the table. "That's my girl. Want me to stick around?"

  A couple booths down I notice an older woman and someone who may be her daughter. The young girl keeps eyeing up my booth, and I suspect they are headed down my way soon. "No. Thanks, though. I can handle it." I'll work better, too, if Amber isn't watching over my shoulder. I'll only be more nervous and stumble over my words if she is here.

  "Sounds good. Good luck." She starts to walk away and th
en stops and twirls back around. "Like you need it."

  I sure hope she's right.

  •••

  The craft fair is going well, and so far I managed to sell eight kits and about fifteen people took my information. I'm most excited about the girl and her mom who were the first to stop by my booth. The daughter is graduating from high school and may want me to help create a scrapbook for her big party next year. I never thought about making a full book for someone, but it's an avenue I'll consider pursuing.

  I check my messages, and I missed a text from Daniel asking when I'll be home. I roll my eyes at the fact he either doesn't remember me giving him a time or that he flat out chose to ignore it. My bets are on the latter. I should get home soon because my mom already doesn't like I left Daniel alone in my place to babysit James. There's another thirty minutes and I have to pack up. Maybe another hour or so. He can last another hour.

  Out of all the things I brought with me, I completely forgot a snack. I'm starving and can't wait to eat something. Before the event, my nerves prevented me from eating a thing. Now I'm weakening and even starting to shake a little. On the way home, I'll run into the Kwik Trip and grab a banana.

  People are leaving, and a few vendors even packed up and took off already. I plan to utilize every minute of the fair to gain potential customers and buzz about my scrapbook kits. However, only a couple people remain, so I open Facebook on my phone. I might as well browse around to keep myself busy for the next half hour.

  "Ahem, Chelsea?"

  The voice startles me, and I toss my phone down. "Sorry," I begin to apologize. When I look up at the person, I realize it's not a customer at all. I'm face to face with Lauren.

  My breath catches in my throat as my body shakes. What do I do here? Do I call her by name? Do I treat her like any other fair goer? Should I quickly scan my booth for a weapon? I need a handbook for meeting your current boyfriend's wife. Do they publish those? Maybe I'll write one. My mouth is open much too long, and my stare lingers.