“Yeah,” Matt said gently. “I think you might be right.”
“I’ve never….” Jim tried to put it into words. His cold, impersonal upbringing. His disastrous relationship with his father and brother. His feelings, for so long, of not believing he’d find someone to love, someone to share his life with.
Kids didn’t factor into his thinking at all.
Neither did falling in love with someone fifteen years his junior.
Matt let out a sharp bark of laughter. “And I never imagined falling in love with a guy and then helping to raise his kids. So, you know. Things change.”
“True.”
Had his feelings changed?
He looked at Sadie and saw a fragile life to be responsible for. He saw an innocent little creature you sent out into the world every day, a world he was intimately aware was filled with terrible people.
He saw Ed Kelley burying Carmen before her eighteenth birthday, and a chill went through him.
Jim shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t think my mind’s changed about that,” he said finally. He drained his beer. Matt was a good friend, because he let Jim sit there and let the silence surround them like the night.
Chapter 11
“YOU’RE SO good with her,” Daisy said softly. Sadie nursed, her eyes drifting closed as she started to fall asleep. The chair and a half—upholstered in the new grass green that matched the rug and crib linens—comfortably held the three of them, Griffin tucked up next to her, gently stroking the baby’s hair. He couldn’t seem to look away.
“All that uncle experience,” he said absently, the soft, fine hair under his fingers giving him goose bumps. That was the truth—he was comfortable with babies, always had been, but this… this felt like something else.
“You’re a great godfather,” Daisy continued. “I love having you around so much.”
“Just like old times,” Griffin laughed, tracing a finger down from Sadie’s temple to her downy cheek.
“No, not at all like old times. I’m sober, you’re your own person, and oh right, there’s a human attached to my breast.”
“I could make a dirty joke right now, but I won’t, out of deference to my goddaughter’s innocent ears.” Griffin dropped a kiss on the top of Daisy’s head. She looked healthy and happy, and that filled him with warmth. He wanted her to have everything—even more so when it wasn’t his responsibility to give it to her.
“When are you going back to LA?”
Griffin sighed, the bubble broken. “Wednesday. Probably stay for a few days, then head up to Seattle.”
Daisy looked up, her eyes wide. “You’re moving back?”
“What? No. No, I….” Griffin opened his mouth, shut it. Opened it again. “I don’t think so. We haven’t really talked about it.”
“Oh.” Daisy returned her attention to Sadie; the little one had stopped suckling and fallen asleep, her little mouth open and eyelashes fluttering. With a confident hand that gave Griffin a pang in his heart, Daisy lifted the baby to her shoulder, rubbing her back as she stood.
“Oh?” Griffin tracked Daisy and Sadie to the curved walnut crib, watched her duck to lay the baby down as the flower mobile danced over her head.
“You should probably figure out where you’re going to live,” Daisy whispered. She walked back over to Griffin to lay her hands on his shoulders. “Talk about what’s next.”
They walked out of the nursery hand in hand, Griffin’s thoughts colliding and tripping over one another.
“When the movie wraps, we have the trial coming up,” Griffin said as they headed downstairs. “So we’ll be back in Los Angeles for a while. Or we’ll stay in Seattle.”
They ended up in the living room, and Griffin started in surprise when he saw Evan on one of the large couches, reading something on his phone.
“Hey,” Evan said, looking up. “Daisy, Bennett was looking for you a few minutes ago.”
She squeezed his hand. “I’ll be back, unless you want to come down to the beach,” she said, but he shook his head.
“I’m gonna wait here.”
“Jim and Matt are taking a walk. They should be back soon,” Evan added.
“Yeah, so I’ll wait,” Griffin said again.
Daisy gave him a pouty face but kissed his cheek and then walked across the kitchen and exited through the doors to the patio.
Evan gestured toward the couch.
Griffin walked over and flopped down face-first against the soft fabric.
Chapter 12
“I’M SURE it’s not that bad,” Evan said, but Griffin just shook his head until the pattern on the fabric rubbed off on his face. He turned his head to look over at the older man and found a sympathetic expression on his face.
“Ugh.” Griffin rolled onto his back, throwing his legs over the arm of the couch and pulling a pillow over his face.
“You’re not the first man—” Evan pointed out, his face helpful.
Griffin couldn’t help himself—he threw the pillow in Evan’s direction. “I’m not the first person to do anything, so that doesn’t narrow it down any.” He turned his head to watch Evan. “I’m having these feelings….”
Evan smirked. “Well, Griffin, when a man likes another man in that way—”
Griffin threw another pillow. Fortunately the decorator—excuse him, Daisy—had gone hog wild with the selection, so he had a good supply to toss. “You’re a dad….”
“Yeah.”
“Were your kids all… surprises? Or did you plan them?” Griffin’s face squinched up. “God, I’m sorry, can I ask that? Does it upset you to talk about your wife?” Maybe Evan should throw pillows at him.
Evan shook his head, the smile staying on his face. “Sherri and I were quite surprised by the first girl. The second slightly less so.” He seemed to get lost in a memory for a moment. “We weren’t trying anything foolproof to keep from getting pregnant. Then the twins—oh, we were trying then,” he laughed. “So a mixture, to answer your question.”
“You had a wife, so—I mean, it’s not like that for gay couples,” Griffin murmured. “We can’t just have a wild night, skip the condom, and boom.”
“‘Boom’ is a good way to put it.” Evan leaned forward, his tone gentle. “You thinking about being a dad?”
Griffin’s throat tightened. “I swear to God, it never occurred to me. Like, I grew up in this huge house of children and then all the nieces and nephews. I love every one of them, but seriously, I thought I’d never want that. Being worried and tired and broke and anxious, all because you’re a parent—I thought for sure I was destined to be the awesome gay uncle forever.”
“But Sadie changed that?”
“I guess. But I think—I think maybe Jim changed it more.” Griffin put his hand over his eyes. “I love him so much, you know? And I look at Daisy with her husband and her baby and her settled-down life where she still gets to act in stuff she loves and….” His heart hurt for a second. “It looks so amazing that I want it. I want that with him.”
Evan was quiet. Griffin listened to the fan, the ocean distant but echoes coming through the window. The laughter outside.
“You haven’t told him.”
Griffin shook his head, shame burning his cheeks. “No. I’m also tired of moving around and I just—I don’t know how to say that to him. Basically I’m taking everything we decided when he retired and throwing it aside for stuff I never even mentioned.”
“He might feel the same.”
Griffin moved his hand and turned his head, regarding Evan with a baleful look. “He looks at Sadie like she’s a bomb. He’s never mentioned wanting one for himself.”
“Neither have you,” Evan said gently.
Griffin threw another pillow.
EVAN LAUGHED as he dodged the colorful stuffed squares. “I’m not telling you what to do—”
“Oh yes, yes you are. And you’re doing it with this total father voice. Like James Earl Jones intoning important plot points.”
“Sorry?” Evan stopped and considered that. Actually, now that he thought about it, it was his cop voice as well. He’d have to remember it when (if) he became captain.
“You’re not even sorry at all.” Griffin sat up slowly, his hair a mess. He looked at Evan with a helpless expression. “I should talk to him.”
“Yeah.”
“And tell him I want to settle down.”
Evan felt the need to prompt him; he leaned forward encouragingly. “And?”
“Ugh, one thing at a time. I’m not bringing up the kid thing just yet.”
“You should be honest with him.”
Griffin rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. Then he regarded Evan quizzically. “Do you tell Matt everything?”
“Yeah. I think so. I try to, at least.” Evan tried to think of anything he’d kept from Matt, and okay, maybe the question as to whether or not Matt wanted more kids.
Okay, so he was maybe doing exactly what Griffin was doing.
“I do too. I mean with Jim—but I can’t. Not this. Not like… it’s too much. I want to just talk about the settling in one spot thing and work from there.”
“Fair enough.”
But Griffin didn’t look convinced or relieved by their little chat. Evan watched his face crumple bit by bit until he looked like he might just start to cry.
“What if—what if it’s a deal breaker?” Griffin whispered.
Chapter 13
WHEN THE beer ran out and the sand flies became too much, Matt and Jim headed back to the patio. They found Helena and Shane cocooned in a lounge chair under a blanket, both with wet hair and nose to nose. Bennett sat on the other side of the fire pit, Daisy on his lap.
“Griffin and Evan are inside,” Daisy said, following up with a yawn.
Jim made a movement toward the house then paused.
And then sat down on the end of an available lounger.
Matt just smiled, rattled the empties in his hand. “Gonna be a good citizen and recycle. I’ll be back.” He threw a little Terminator impression at the end, then walked up the stairs to the sliding glass door.
He found Evan and Griffin on the sofas, talking quietly. Griffin’s eyes were red and Evan’s expression sympathetic; Matt felt a rush of affection for his boyfriend as he puttered around the kitchen. Recyclables in the bin, getting a cup of coffee from the NASA-approved rocket that made every type of brew under the sun. A few minutes later, he heard footsteps on the stairs and turned to spy his boyfriend all by himself on the sofa.
With a sigh, he joined Evan.
“Hey,” Evan murmured as Matt slid onto the sofa next to him. They slotted together, curving their bodies to fit. Evan took the cup from Matt, cradling the warmth in his hands.
“Everything okay?” Matt dropped a kiss on his cheek.
“Griffin’s pretty torn up about some stuff.”
“So’s Jim.” They switched the cup back and forth, sharing the strong aromatic blend, soaking in comfort from each other.
Matt tipped his head back, staring up at the slow revolutions of the ceiling fan. “Can I just say? It’s nice not to be the people in crisis,” he muttered.
Evan sputtered a laugh.
THEY DIDN’T bother to go back outside. Evan eventually got tired of the couch and stood up, taking Matt’s hand. He pulled him up, listening to the endless litany of bitching about age and aches and pain.
“I’m sorry to hear you’re so old you can’t do anything else tonight,” Evan sighed. “I need a shower.”
From behind him, Matt chuckled evilly.
Evan had to admit, the giant shower was absolutely gorgeous. Sea-glass blue tiles—more a room than a stall. A multitude of jets spraying water in every direction—particularly helpful when he was on his knees, sucking Matt’s dick like he had a time limit. He roamed his hands over Matt’s muscular body, teasing the insides of his thighs, rubbing his perineum before sliding back. He felt Matt’s tremors and hollowed his cheeks as he pushed a finger into his ass.
Once upon a time….
Well, it wouldn’t have dawned on Evan, would have terrified him, but he was so glad to be over that because God, it felt amazing to have this sort of power over Matt, even down on his knees—and he understood that now, understood that it wasn’t about giving anything up.
Matt started to fuck his mouth, hands tight against his skull as Evan threw every trick he had into making him come.
The flood of bitter semen against the back of his throat made Evan throb with his own need. He sucked until Matt pulled away, and then just grinned up at him.
IN BED—damp towels tossed in the hamper and bodies cool from the shower and the air-conditioning—Evan clutched at the sheets as Matt licked and sucked the very tip of his dick, shallow and teasing, as he held him down. By now they knew the very specific and personal ways to get each other off, knew how to twist two fingers or use their teeth or be rough to the point that bruises made Evan horny for days.
“Fuck,” Evan whispered, trembling as Matt flipped him onto his stomach.
Half-hard, Matt rubbed against Evan’s ass, reaching around to grab his dick. Evan went limp and let Matt do everything—the rutting, the sharp strokes, the burn of his teeth at the back of Evan’s neck. He stuttered and gasped, chasing orgasm until the very last second, when everything came together in a hot rush.
“WE’RE RETIRING to an island,” Matt whispered when they were cleaned up and tucked under a pile of lightweight blankets. Evan lay on his stomach, content to feel Matt stroking down his back, his voice in Evan’s ear.
“We’re retiring?”
Matt snorted against his shoulder. “Someday. You and me, surrounded by water.”
Evan sighed, fucked out and content, and God, he wished he could remember feeling like this when the rest of the world crowded in. “What a way to go.”
Chapter 14
APPARENTLY EVERYONE was getting laid tonight.
Jim caught something going down on one of the deck chairs as he went into the house—Helena and Shane—and later he caught a few stray moans from the master bedroom while he walked to his suite. Daisy, it sounded like—and that was stuff he didn’t need to know about her sex life.
Something thumping against the wall as he walked past Evan and Matt’s room.
Everyone.
Getting laid.
Except, Jim supposed, him, because when he walked into the bedroom, he found Griffin curled up on the chaise by the window, wrapped in a quilt.
It wasn’t a good sign.
Jim was quiet, didn’t disturb his boyfriend as he went about his evening routine. When he came out of the bathroom, naked from a quick wash down, he caught Griffin’s eyes on him, his gaze visible even in the dark.
“Hey,” he whispered, stopped in the center of the room, at a loss of what to do. Go to Griffin? Go to bed?
Go downstairs?
He felt like they were fighting without actually saying a word.
Griffin rolled over, then opened the blanket. Underneath he was naked, the lines of his lean body kissed by the moonlight from the window. Jim couldn’t resist the invitation, even if it meant they were fucking instead of talking.
But Griffin wasn’t offering sex. Jim lay down next to him and Griffin curled up against his chest, bringing the blanket over to cover them both.
Jim lay there, arms wrapped around Griffin’s body, and watched the moonlight. Neither of them slept, but no one said a word.
Chapter 15
IN THE morning Griffin woke up alone.
He was covered with the blanket, the blinds closed to keep the sun from waking him. On the table nearest him was a carafe of coffee, a blueberry muffin, and a banana.
Griffin pushed his face into the chaise and breathed.
AFTER A shower he felt a little more connected to reality. He skipped the contacts and the Hollywood clothes and threw on a pair of gray basketball shorts and a white T-shirt from a surf school in Hawaii depicting a dolphin
scuba diving. His hair he still spent time on, because he might be dressing down, but he wasn’t uncivilized. He drank his coffee sitting on the floor, a perfect shaft of sunlight warming him.
The breakfast was from Jim, that much he was sure of. He ate every crumb, drank another cup of coffee, and let himself find a center to his turmoil.
This wasn’t a bad crossroads, Griffin knew that. It was just about being grown-up and a loving partner instead of someone afraid to share his thoughts and feelings. That was the behavior of a man who wasn’t in love with Jim Shea (which he was—he was totally in love with him), the most upstanding and decent person he’d ever had the pleasure of knowing.
They could get through this—whatever “this” was—and make it all better.
That he was sure of.
IN THE hallway, juggling the little tray with remnants of his eaten breakfast, Griffin came face to face with Bennett, beach towels over his arm and clearly dressed for the water in trunks and a short-sleeve shirt—unbuttoned, of course.
“Hey, are you feeling better? Jim said you had a headache,” Bennett asked, shutting the linen closet door.
“I’m fine, thanks.” Griffin waffled for a moment, then took a deep breath. “Um, Bennett—I know this is supposed to be a no-work weekend, but can I talk to you for a moment?”
They went downstairs, the kitchen deserted as everyone was apparently down by the beach. Griffin busied himself putting his breakfast dishes into the dishwasher, as Bennett sat on a stool at the large marble island.
“Is everything all right?” Bennett asked, his handsome face serious as he watched Griffin.
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