How to Lose a Husband

by Toya Wright

  The incident British was talking about came after about two years in. I found out I was pregnant. Obviously, I didn’t know who the father was. By that point, Marcus rented a condo in Atlanta during the off-season so we could see each other more regularly. There was absolutely no way to tell who the father was. He said, he didn’t know why I was telling him. I mean, why would he get a condo to be near me just to have that attitude about being with me?

  I was crushed. I didn’t expect him to be overjoyed, but I did expect him to care. I had no plans on keeping the baby. I couldn’t. Sitting in the clinic waiting room, I got in my damn feelings. I felt like for the length of time I had been giving him some of this sweet stuff, he would have been singing a more supportive tune. He wasn’t and it drove me absolutely insane.

  Seeing Marcus’ reaction scared me straight. I literally wrote down a list in my head of pro’s and con’s comparing my husband to my boyfriend. There was no comparison. How was I going to rob my sons of the very family life I grew up in and was proud of? I couldn’t bear the thought of looking in KP’s face telling him I had been having an affair. Much less that I had gotten pregnant. He had not done anything to deserve the way I was treating him.

  My hubs was so in love with me and it was evident. We all pray for a man who stays at home chillin’, who is respectful and will take care of home. When that man arrives, we dissect him, look for flaws, get bored, and don’t appreciate him. Nah, we are into disrespectful type dudes, the guys who keep our attention because we are so busy trying to keep up with their every triflin’ move.

  I had an abortion. That was my turning point. Sitting in the waiting room looking around at the other chicks about to endure the same fate, I wondered how I had gotten there. The truth was, I was married to a man who practically kissed my feet, but sprung on a man who probably wouldn’t notice if I never called him again. My husband worked hard to provide a good life for me.

  I prayed that God would deliver me from the guilt I felt. I knew there was a tough decision to make. How would I have been able to explain to KP that the baby may have been someone else’s? How would he have reacted? I couldn’t crush the man like that.

  I cut Marcus off. It was hard…and I ran back a few times. Our whole dynamic had changed. I saw him through different eyes. I thanked God for my husband and my life. I promised I would never end up in that situation again.

  Instead of going out looking for excitement, I created it. Whatever spark I felt I needed, I had to ignite. I started speaking my husband’s love language again. Just like he made love to me by taking care of me and the boys, making sure the bills were paid and making the house a home, I had to do the same.

  I made love to him by being faithful, letting him know I had his back and finding new things and new places for us to experience together. It was up to me to ask how his day was and be interested enough to listen. My boys were looking at their mother as a model for who they would find in a wife.

  “Lola, I know you are trying to get your life together and be the perfect wife now, but you have skeletons in your closet just like we all do. Just because you got past your issues doesn’t mean you can look down on us because our problems are not in our past…quite yet. We are figuring it all out just like you did. You did some fucked up shit in your past too,” British took that moment to really go off. She had the whole head rolling, neck popping, finger waving thang going on.

  “Yes, I fantasize about being with Stacks, because he gives me the feeling it looks like you have when you are with KP.”

  “Do you realize what you have in KP?” Madison interrogated me. “He cooks, he cleans, he cheers you up at the drop of a dime, he buys you just because gifts. He pays you attention, chick.”

  “I have to harass Stacks for a fraction of the attention your man gives you,” British tagged on to the direction Madison was headed.

  “Ty only seemed to give me negative attention,” Kennedi sang. Her voice sounded like a sad love song. “This man will do anything for you, Lola. Anything! I wouldn’t mind living a normal, life if I’m comfortable and catered to!”

  “KP possesses the qualities all of us are looking for in a man. You have him and you’re taking him for granted. How do you think that makes us feel?”

  Finally, I had to interject. They were jumping on me. If I was big enough to dish it out, I should have been big enough to take it. What I wanted to say was…I never wanted to think about that day at the clinic again when I shared my darkest secret with this bitch who told everybody at the table. Instead, what came out was…

  “If it seems like I’m being judgmental and hard on you girls, please understand that it’s coming from a good place. I’m only saying this because I love my divas for real! Look, I’ve been through some shit and could have easily lost my man. I had to ask myself if I was doing my part to keep my home happy. Seeing y’all out having fun and trying to be like y’all chasing the type of men British and Sade were running behind, I lost sight of realizing I already got something solid. And I know he loves me unconditionally. He kisses the ground I walk on!”

  “When I was cheating I didn’t get that same love, but I would push my hubs off like, ugh, he’s a square, he’s lame. Not even thinking he was the same man I prayed and asked God for. Looking at your situations shows me how not to lose a husband. My friends out here looking crazy because they looking for industry guys with money and those dudes don’t always have the respect for you. Money can’t buy love and class or teach him how to really be a man. He can only buy you things to keep you happy for the moment. Is he listening to you? Does he really care how your day was? I have all that in this man and I almost lost him. I want y’all to have y’all shit together and be with someone who really loves you. Not be somebody’s side bitch. We are too old to be sneaking around in dark corners to fuck somebody. Don’t let a man just run your life to the point where you lose who you are.”

  “Yes, that happened five years ago which is why I am the way I am now. I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means, but I try to help my friends save their relationships and be more respectful of themselves. I made fucked up decisions and mistakes in my life and I want better for y’all, I’m not saying I’m perfect. Just know if I’m seeing some shit that’s fucked up, I’mma call you out! Because I love you!” I was crying by the time I finished. I really meant every word I said.

  “Let’s make a toast,” Kennedi said. “Here’s to real friends who are like family…who you actually like more than family. Here’s to sistas who have your back no matter how bad things get, no matter how fucked up you are, sistas who accept you for who you are. Here’s to happiness and making dreams happen.”

  “Cheers!”