by M. S. Parker
The last thing I felt was my head cracking against a rock. White heat. Pain.
Darkness.
I kept watching her walk away. I couldn’t move. My hands reached for her, but she didn’t turn, didn’t even pause in her step. Jinx. Why did she keep walking away? Why couldn’t I make her stop?
Then I realized that she was running. Running away. And I was chasing her, but not to catch her. I was burning, my skin covered in dancing flames. I was chasing her to burn her.
Good, run from me, Jinx. I’ll only hurt you. Run. Run away.
The scene changed. I didn’t burn anymore. We were somewhere else, and she was standing in the distance. It was a beautiful North Carolina sunset, but all the lines of the trees and the clouds were blurred at the edges.
She wasn’t running anymore, but she still had her back to me. I reached for her again, calling out this time. I tried to, at least. My voice. Why didn’t my voice work anymore? She wouldn’t hear me. Oh god, she wouldn’t hear me, and it would be all my fault.
“Don’t go.”
It was a whisper in the air. I looked around for the source of it. It hadn’t come from her. She was too far away, her outline was too blurry. Right before my eyes, Jinx faded.
“Please don’t go.”
That voice again. But where was Jinx?
“I can’t be here without you. Stay.”
It was her. How could it be her? I just watched her disappear.
No, the one I’d chased hadn’t been her. Not the real her. The one talking to me was the real Jinx, and she wanted me to stay. I didn’t run for the illusion in the distance anymore. I sat under the swaying branches of a huge evergreen and waited there for her. Just like she asked me to.
34
Jinx
The airport was absolute chaos. I felt like I was trudging through the crowd in slow motion, like I’d left my brain back in North Carolina and it was just my body going through the motions now. If I’d brought my brain, all I would be doing right now was worrying. Stressing. Probably crying. I needed a break from all that, so I let the current of the airport carry me toward the doors. And from there I let the taxi driver take over.
I’d forgotten what it was like in a big city after midnight. My little trip to Boston had ended well before the witching hour, and I’d gotten so used to sleepy North Carolina evenings that the frenzied streets were almost too much for me to take in. The heat, on the other hand, was something I’d spent all summer getting used to.
The driver dropped me off in front of the hospital. I didn’t even go to the hotel first like Dallas suggested. I couldn’t. Not when Drew was lying in a hospital bed, alone.
Not when there was a chance he might not wake up.
I’d gotten an old friend to pull some strings for my flight, which meant I got there before any of the Mikelsons did. Dallas and his mother would be coming as soon as they could get out here, but for now, it was just me and Drew. Even though I’d been flying all day and felt like utter crap, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. All that mattered to me was that Drew had somebody with him. Somebody who cared about him.
He looked different than when I’d seen him last. Not because he’d changed his hair or shaved or anything as superficial as that. He looked older. More tired. The fact that he was in a coma probably had a great deal to do with that transformation, but I got the sense it wasn’t all the coma’s fault. It broke my heart.
I took up shop next to the bed. As soon as I sat down and held his hand, I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave. Dallas had insisted that I get a hotel and get some sleep when I could, probably knowing that I’d see Drew like this and become immediately superglued to his side. But sleep seemed like such a trivial thing when the person you loved could be dying before your eyes. And a bed just seemed like an unnecessary luxury.
Drew’s breaths were even. His heart rate beeped steadily. He seemed okay. It was like he was just sleeping, even though I knew there was no guarantee he’d ever wake up. Dallas said he bailed doing a stunt and took a pretty major hit to the head. Just like I’d been afraid he would.
As I sat by his side, I regretted ever fighting with him about this. If he was going to end up here no matter what I said, why bother saying anything? Why hadn’t I just enjoyed the time we had together? It broke my heart knowing that he’d started a whole new life here that I hadn’t gotten to be a part of.
“Drew,” I said, tears gathering in my eyes. I’d thought I was too tired to cry. Or that I’d already shed all the tears I had. Apparently not.
“Drew. Please don’t go. I can’t be here without you.”
I didn’t mean in LA. I hoped he knew that…if he could hear me.
His hand was limp. It made me angry seeing such strong hands so weak and lifeless. It didn’t make any sense. How could the universe be so cruel? Drew was so loved. So very loved.
I bent over and rested my arms and head on the bed. I didn’t expect to fall asleep so quickly, but something about being with Drew again put my mind at ease in a way it hadn’t been in weeks. Holding his hand was like clutching onto a piece of myself I thought I’d lost.
I promised myself that no matter what happened, I’d stick with him through this. Whether he wanted me to or not. No matter what I had to give up to do it.
Because I couldn’t lose him again.
By the time Sunday came around, I was starting to smell. I didn’t care. It wasn’t like Drew could smell me, and the hospital staff had likely seen much worse. My hair was a bedraggled mess, and my eyes had dark circles underneath them from sleeping at Drew’s side every night. People I passed in the hallway on my way to grab food either walked as far from me as possible or smiled sadly at me. I couldn’t tell which was worse.
Dallas had called on Friday morning to say that the earliest he and his mom could come out was Sunday afternoon. In anticipation of their arrival, I decided to spruce myself up a bit. I was sure that I’d at least get a hug from Ivy, and I didn’t want to gross her out when I did.
I finished freshening up as best as I could in the bathroom down the hall from Drew’s room. I stepped back into the room and, just like I did every time I left and came back, looked hopefully for signs that he’d moved in my absence. When I wasn’t watching him, I’d taken to putting little pieces of hospital napkins on his hands or feet that would fall off if disturbed. It seemed childish, but it was the only way I had of knowing. Anyway, he hadn’t moved at all, so it seemed pointless. This time was no different.
I snatched the pieces away and sank down beside his bed again, face in my hands. I was beginning to wonder if the hospital would charge me rent if he stayed in the coma much longer.
The knock on the door scared the living daylights out of me. A second later, it swung open, revealing Dallas’s drawn face. It was the first time I think I’d seen him without a smile. It was yet another thing that broke my heart.
“Hey, you,” he said.
I rose. “Hey.”
Ivy walked around from behind Dallas and headed straight for Drew’s side. I was actually a little relieved she didn’t hug me. I wasn’t sure I could hug Drew’s mom without bursting into tears.
“Any news?” Dallas asked.
Ivy was holding her son’s hand, murmuring something to him. It was like nobody else was in the room.
I sniffed, holding back tears. “No news,” I said quietly. “Still just waiting.” I pointed to the stack of books on the little side table. “I’ve been reading to him. Hoping it’ll annoy him enough to wake up and stop me.”
Dallas came over and wrapped his arms around me. I wished that Drew’s jealousy hadn’t been what eventually drove us apart because I really wanted to enjoy the hug. I needed a hug. And Dallas was nothing but brotherly to me. If only Drew could have seen that, then maybe none of this would have happened.
It wouldn’t make him better to try to swallow “what ifs,” so I put a stop to that line of thought right then and there.
“I’ll give
you some time alone with him,” I told Dallas.
His mother’s head was bent at Drew’s bedside. I felt like I was intruding.
“You don’t have to go,” Dallas said, pulling back from the hug.
I smiled weakly. “I should go shower. And I have to make a call.”
His smile was understanding, and I sensed a hint of relief. If Drew never recovered, these first few moments alone as a family were important.
I said goodbye to Ivy and saw myself out of the room.
Just over an hour later, I stepped back into the hospital feeling much better. I was still pretty down in the dumps, due to the fact that the man I loved might die before I ever got the chance to tell him, but I was at least clean. And I had a plan. Sort of.
I hadn’t realized how acclimatized I’d gotten to the hospital smell until I walked back into it. I wrinkled my nose. I knew I’d never be able to smell that sterile odor again without thinking of this weekend. Without my stomach turning over.
Dallas smiled at me when I entered Drew’s room. Ivy hadn’t moved from Drew’s side, and she spared me only the tiniest of glances. I didn’t blame her even a little. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have one of my children sprawled out on a hospital bed like that, with no promise that they would ever wake up.
“How are things?” I asked Dallas quietly, sitting down in the seat next to him.
“Haven’t changed,” he said. “But I know he’ll get through this.”
Hearing somebody say it was like a burst of cool, refreshing air on my face. It instantly drove away some of the tears that had been threatening to fall since the moment I stepped back into the room.
“Yeah?” I asked.
Dallas nodded. “If I know one thing about my brother, I know he’s a fighter.”
I sure hoped so.
35
Drew
It felt like I was floating up from the bottom of the ocean. At first, it was all darkness, all quiet. I was floating somewhere far away, too far for anything or anyone to reach me. Then the water around me began to lighten, and sounds began to filter in. A beeping noise in the distance. Somebody talking. My own breaths.
“Did you see that?” a woman asked. “His finger moved. I’m sure it did.”
“Mom...” I wasn’t sure if I’d said the word or if it was only ringing in my head.
“I didn’t see it.” I would recognize that tired, sad voice anywhere. Fucking Dallas. What was he doing here? And where the hell was here in the first place?
“There it is again!” Something gripped my hand. No, not something. Someone. “I can feel him moving.”
Why wouldn’t I be moving? That’s what people did, wasn’t it?
“I’ll call a nurse,” Dallas said.
Nurse...?
The dots began to connect. I was in the hospital. That was the only explanation. But why? I couldn’t remember anything.
“Drew, please wake up...”
This time the voice wasn’t in my dream. It was her. Jinx was there.
I fought up to the surface, needing to know that she was real. That I wasn’t still trapped in a dream.
My eyes opened slowly, white light shining in like a searchlight. I groaned.
“Oh my god!” Jinx yelled.
There was the sound of movement. A scuffle. Or maybe her and my mother were hugging?
“I can’t believe it!” My mother’s joyous voice filled my ears. Too loud. It had been quiet for so long.
“Mom,” I said. My voice was gravelly and barely above a whisper. “Please...take volume...down.”
Laughter, followed by the sounds of footsteps entering the room. My eyes adjusted, and I blinked blearily. First, I saw ceiling. Then a head popped above me. I frowned. Not my mother or Jinx. Dallas.
“I can’t believe it,” Dallas said. “He is awake! That’s incredible.”
“I’ll need to do some tests,” a strange male voice announced. “Could I please get you all to clear the room?”
My heart started to beat faster. I hadn’t seen Jinx yet. I had to see Jinx before she was gone.
With a Herculean effort, I managed to turn my head enough to take in more of the room. And there she was, perched on the edge of a chair looking like the world had just turned purple. My girl.
“Hey,” I managed to croak out.
Her palm covered her mouth, and she started to cry. She was so beautiful. Why was she crying over me?
“Not...supposed...cry.”
Jinx let out a choked laugh. “You’re not supposed to be alive.”
My heart fluttered, and I smiled. “If it means I get a beautiful woman crying over me, maybe I’ll come back from the dead more often.” At least that’s what I tried to say. I think it came out more in fits and bursts, but I thought she got the picture.
“I really do need you to clear the room now.”
Jinx turned to look in the direction of the man. A nurse or doctor, I presumed. Then my mom jumped into the scene, giving me a big kiss on the forehead.
“We’ll be right back, my boy,” she said. She was crying too. “Don’t go anywhere.”
“Actually...thinking...going for jog.”
I smiled. My mom smiled. We all smiled together for the first time in too long.
When they were finished doing tests, I felt a lot better. From the doctor, I’d found out it was Monday, a fact I found quite jarring considering I felt like I’d only been asleep for a few hours.
As soon as they were done with me, my mom was back in the room and back at my side. She gripped my hand so tight I wondered if she thought I was going to fly away.
Jinx came in next, standing at the end of the bed with crossed arms and a teary-eyed smile. Now that I was a little more aware of my surroundings, I remembered that we’d broken up. That she’d broken up with me.
How could I have ever let her go?
Dallas entered the room and closed the door behind him. His lips were pressed tightly together, like he had a million things he wanted to say but wasn’t sure which to let pass through his lips first.
“How are you feeling?” Mom asked.
I turned my attention to her and forced a smile. “Groggy,” I admitted. “Doctor said no permanent damage, but I need to stay a bit longer.”
The quiet in the room was nearly palpable. Three people who cared about me so much they’d been by my side almost the whole time I was out, and yet we couldn’t find anything to say.
“That’s probably for the best,” Dallas said.
I looked at Jinx. Why wasn’t she saying anything? I was fully awake now and wanted to talk to her. But I couldn’t think of the right words. Not after what had passed between us.
“Our return flight is tomorrow.” Dallas crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m sorry that we can’t stay longer.”
“You’re going home?” The panic that crept into my tone was unintentional but completely noticeable. The thought of being alone here was suddenly the most unbearable thing my mind could conjure.
“Not all of us,” Mom said quickly. “Jinx said that she wants to stay until you’re back out in the world.”
Then why couldn’t Jinx say that herself?
God, she was so beautiful. Her face was pale and drawn, presumably from the tiring task of staying by my bed, but that did little to dampen her internal fire. I would never tire of looking at her.
I just wished she would speak. I was fucking desperate for it.
I took a breath. “Do you mind...staying, Jinx? Don’t...have to.”
If she said she wanted to leave, I might die right then and there, but like hell I’d admit it.
“I’m staying,” she said and cracked a small smile. “I don’t want you to be alone.”
The relief in my chest made me want to jump out of bed and hug her, although I wasn’t sure I had the physical ability to do so. I hadn’t tried out my limbs much, since the medical staff had tested my reactivity, but I knew they felt a bit like Jell-O.
> But I had to be sure she actually wanted to be here and didn’t just feel obligated.
“You have...life too,” I said to Jinx, each word seeming to claw its way out of my throat. “Maybe...best you...leave too.”
She shook her head. “Not happening.”
Her tone left no room for argument, which was good since I had no desire to argue with her. And I felt like if I tried, I’d probably burst out in damn tears.
I spent the rest of the day attempting to get back to a more normal state of mind. My brother helped me over to the hospital bathroom, where I showered and brushed my teeth so hard I wouldn’t have been surprised to lose some enamel. Afterward, I got my first real meal in days. It was some crappy fake cheese sandwich and soup, but it tasted amazing.
I was sleepy, which the doctor said was normal. Between dozing sessions, I chatted with my bedside companions. They took turns going out to shower, grab food, and do whatever else they needed to do. I was alone with Jinx a couple times, but we didn’t talk about us. I wasn’t sure I was ready to. It wasn’t like anything had changed the reason I ended up in the coma. She would still be going back East eventually. And I would be staying here.
Or at least that was what I thought.
Dallas and my mom left the next morning. I’d never seen Mom look so torn in my life. She kept wondering aloud if she should just stay, but there were too many things back in North Carolina that she needed to do, and anyway, I was feeling a lot better. They’d be releasing me soon, and then everything would be back to normal. Hopefully.
Then it was just me and Jinx.
As if aware of the fact that there was no longer a buffer between us, Jinx carefully skirted around me for most of the morning. She ran little errands for me, grabbing me outside food and going to my hotel to bring me a hoodie. Stupid shit. It meant a lot to me that she was so dedicated to making me feel better, but I knew she was also trying to avoid having a chat with me.