T.K.O.: Total Knock Out

by Ana Layne

  “Raegan.” He sighed. “I tried to call you. I tried to talk to you and you ignored me. She came up to me one day and asked me out. What was I supposed to say?”

  “Please, James, I don’t want to hear this.” My stomach turned as I thought of how I’d lost him. Staring out the window is the only thing that helps release me from this personal hell I’m reliving. “Does she live with you?”

  Wrong question.

  “She does.”

  “Oh.” Every breath in my body was just sucked out of me. Saved by the Starbucks, we pull in, and I glance across the street to see everyone’s cars in the usual spots. Panic washes over me as I put on my best smile and look once more at the man who once held my heart. “Thank you, James. I’m sorry about last night, really. I can’t apologize enough. I’m sorry I opened my mouth about what I saw, that wasn’t my business.”

  “Stop.” He chuckled. “It’s okay, Raegan, I promise. Everything’s okay. It was good to see you.”

  I nod my head as I step out the truck and watch him drive away. Once the road looks clear, I make my way across the street.

  My feet move fast but slow at the same time. This torture has to end. Although in my drunken state I called James, all I can think about now is how much I love Garrett. My life is a swirling ring of chaos and with any luck, Garrett may forgive me for my Houdini act last night. If I had slept with James, I would have never been able to forgive myself.

  Slowly I tug open the door to Lou’s, and draw in a deep breath as I step inside. All gazes are on me as I walk inside, and here in this moment I want nothing more to break out into ugly sobs as Garrett locks eyes with me.

  Chapter 33

  Garrett

  After drinking a whole pot of coffee this morning, I drove to Lou’s to train.

  “Is she here?” I ask as soon as I step through the door.

  “Not yet. You still haven’t heard from her?” Howard inquires. Dammit. Forget mad, now I’m just plain worried about her.

  “Asshole,” Whitney snaps as she walks past me. I knew better than to call her last night and try to hold a conversation with her. Should have known she wouldn’t let me forget this.

  Lance’s trying to act cool but he’s as worried as I am. I avoid bringing her up until he does. “I’m so sorry, man. She was there one minute dancing, and then she disappeared. I combed that place looking for her.”

  “It’s not your fault.” It is though. If he had kept his dick in his pants last night, my girlfriend wouldn’t be missing. I need to tell her how I feel, how sorry I am for being an ass last night. I want her to know she’s safe with me. There’s an ache in my chest that only she can heal, but I’m terrified I’ve already lost her.

  The door opens as Lance begins to throw a punch my way. His arm stops midway and he begins to stutter. He makes no sense whatsoever, and I’m at a loss for words once I look over and see Raegan walk inside. Our gazes lock and as badly as I want to tear mine away, I can’t.

  She heads for Howard. Two minutes later she’s hitting the punching bag like nothing happened in the last few hours. The urge to approach her is overwhelming but the last thing I want to do is cause a scene in front of everyone. My head isn’t where it needs to be; I pull myself over to the weight bench to have a moment alone. I feel like such a wimp as tears begin to pool in my eyes while I lift the bar above my chest.

  Have I pushed her away? I’ve barely had any time with her, but it was the best time of my life. Silent tears slide down my cheeks and I can’t stop them. I wipe my eyes, telling myself it’s time to leave; I can’t let anyone see me like this. Without a word, I walk straight for the door and once I’m outside it’s easier to breathe.

  A hand touches my arm. Raegan’s standing in front of me, but I am not sure I can talk to her. I move my arm away and get into the cab of my truck, shutting the door behind me. Two weeks ago, everything was perfect and now it all seems to be going to shit. Ignoring her will solve nothing, I know that much. Being stubborn won’t help either. I open the door to find her standing there crying.

  My heart just broke a little more; my God I feel like an ass.

  “Raegan, come here.” I jump out the truck and pull her into my arms while she cries onto my chest. I don’t care how angry I was earlier; she’s okay, and she’s here with me now. My shirt is soaked in a matter of seconds but I don’t mind. I pick her up, wrapping her legs around my waist, and lean against the truck. I stare into her tear soaked eyes, and lightly brush my lips across hers. She’s hesitant at first but kisses me back, and each kiss is more eager than the last.

  “I’m so sorry, Garrett. I didn’t mean to.”

  “Shhh. Baby, it’s okay. I don’t care. All I care about is you’re okay. I was so scared something happened to you and I’d never be able to tell you how sorry I was for yelling at you. I don’t know what the hell came over me. I was nothing but jealous, and I didn’t need to be. I wanted to tell you just how much you mean to me. From the moment I saw you, I loved you. You know that, but I never want to miss an opportunity to tell you that. Please don’t scare me like this again.”

  She stares into my eyes, and I brush her tears away with my thumb; she doesn’t need to cry anymore. Everything is going to be okay, I know it.

  “I’m supposed to meet my Dad today, I’m such a mess.” She sniffles, attempting to wipe her nose.

  “No, you aren’t. Let’s go get you changed, and we’ll go meet him, okay?” The ride to the apartment is quiet, but she never moves her hand from mine.

  Nervous as hell, she keeps fidgeting with her hands. She had called Nancy to find out we were meeting them at a small café a few blocks over. As we pull up, Raegan immediately tenses, but when I squeeze her hand, she leans over and kisses my cheek.

  “Thank you Garrett. I couldn’t do this without you.”

  “I love you, Raegan, I’d do anything for you.”

  Nancy and her Dad are already sitting at a table. Her dad looks tired, his gaze softened; I see a part of Raegan in his brown eyes. Much different from the last time I saw him when she went crazy on her truck. Raegan’s trying to smile but is failing pretty miserably.

  “Thank you for coming, Rae,” her father says. “I know things have been bad but I’m trying to make it better.” He didn’t say anything else for a while.

  Raegan nurses a coke, trembling almost the whole time. When the waitress brings her turkey sandwich, she picks off all the crust and begins dissecting it like some weird science experiment. I squeeze her thigh under the table but she doesn’t relax like I hoped she would; she wiggles until I remove my hand. I don’t know what’s going on, I just want to be there for her. Nancy tells her about the upcoming meeting they’re supposed to attend. Raegan nods and answers when she’s supposed to, but for a while she doesn’t seem like she’s really there.

  “Dad,” Raegan blurts out from nowhere, catching us all off guard. “I love you but I…I don’t know if I’m ready for this.” She’s beginning to stand and I try to catch her arm but she jerks it away as tears slide down her face. “Stop, Garrett, please just stop.”

  Her body tenses; I watch as she takes several breaths so she can stand. She stares at me for a brief moment before looking away.

  “We need to talk, Garrett.”

  My best attempt to smile falters when she moves a few feet away from the table to face me better. For the first time in my life, I’m frightened. When I step into the ring, I’ve never been as scared as I am right now. I feel vulnerable like every single fear I have is surfacing and rearing its ugly face.

  “Okay,” I mumble, hoping for the best but ultimately expecting the worst. Her Dad and Nancy are still sitting there at the table trying to eat, but we all know they are waiting to see what Raegan will say or do.

  “You hurt me. You invaded my privacy. If I had wanted to answer Nancy’s call, I would. I don’t need you doing that for me. You scared me when you raised your voice at me. You didn’t listen to me when I told you the conversation was
nothing more than what it was. You let your jealousy get the best of you.” She pauses, biting her lip. “I called James from the bar last night, and I stayed over there because I was drunk but nothing happened. He’s in love with her, his girlfriend, I’m sure you don’t believe me about that either, but I’ve done a lot of thinking this morning and—”

  My heart is breaking because I know what’s coming next. She’s breaking up with me. I wasn’t good enough for her. She takes a deep breath while running her fingers through her hair.

  “I think we rushed into this. I…I need space, Garrett. I’m sorry.”

  That beautiful mouth I loved to kiss just spoke the worst words I’ve ever heard. She continued to talk but I didn’t hear anything else she said. I interrupt her as calmly as I can.

  “I’ve got to go Raegan.” I hold back the tears as I walk out the café and climb into my truck, and when I’m down the road I lose it like a big baby. She called him last night, the ex. She could have called me and we could have worked through everything but she called him instead. He seems to win every time, I hate that. I always knew I could get hurt in this relationship, but I never knew it could hurt this bad.

  My phone rings as I pull up at the apartment. Whitney. “Hello?”

  “Hey, brother what’s going on? Everything cool with you and Raegan?”

  “No. Nothing is cool.”

  “Garrett, what the hell happened? Where are you?”

  “I’m home now. She met with her Dad for lunch and all of a sudden went off like a damn bomb. She told him she wasn’t ready for this, and then told me she needed fucking space. Because I’m stupid, Whitney. I fucking raised my voice at her and if I could take it back I would. I can’t be around her. I’m not quitting the gym, I’ll do everything when she’s not there. I knew this was a fucking mistake. I don’t know if I can ever heal from this.” We didn’t even fight, that’s what I don’t get. I know she was pissed when I answered her phone, but I was just trying to help her. I was jealous, but I didn’t mean to yell at her.

  Did I expect us to fall apart this quickly? Not in my wildest dreams.

  “I’m so sorry, Garrett. She’ll come around, she was just scared. I’m not taking her side, I know it sounds that way, but I’m just trying to offer you the best advice I can.”

  “I don’t know that I want to wait. She ripped my heart out.” That was bullshit; I would wait forever for her if I had to. I love her too much to let her go over something so petty, but if she wants space, she’ll get it.

  “Shit, Howard’s coming and I’m not resting. I’ve got to go.”

  She quickly hung up the phone and I was alone in this apartment staring at all the little shit that reminded me of the last girl who would ever break my heart. I retreat to my room feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus, and Raegan was the driver. Staring at the ceiling doesn’t help, the sun is still up and I wish it would hurry and set. I’d rather sit alone in the dark.

  I want to call her and beg her to forgive me but I’m painfully reminded that I need to abide by her wishes and give her space. I could call Lance and see if he wants to go out tonight; the thought lingers before I dismiss it. I don’t want to look at any other woman. Raegan has really done me in.

  ***

  Two months have passed by since Raegan needed her space. She hasn’t trained with any of us but I’ve caught every single one of her fights. I didn’t quit the gym, I can’t. I refuse to let her see she’s getting under my skin. I’m not stalking her; if this is as close as I can get to her then I’ll take it.

  One of her fights was against Marley again. I wanted to be on the side of the ring rooting for her but I’d have to settle for standing in the shadows. Raegan won, of course. I was so proud of her, but she couldn’t know. Lance’s talked to her and of course Whitney. One of the things I learned from Whitney was that she’s been meeting with her dad. That made me glad to hear but I was still hurting because she wasn’t talking to me.

  I’m glad something changed and she decided to give this a go. I’ve texted her once or twice, each time no reply. Can’t say I really blame her. One night, I almost called her but quickly threw that idea out. She wasn’t going to answer. If she’s not answering my texts, why would she pick up a phone call? Whitney’s belly was growing more every day; she’ll be having the baby soon. Howard is more than thrilled; I’ve been spending more time with them since my world has been turned upside down.

  I’m miserable. I do nothing but train, fight, and sit at home. Lance called me every name in the book trying to get me to go to Joe’s with him but I couldn’t do it. If I saw her out at the bar, it would kill me even more.

  It’s Saturday night and Lance has been blowing my phone up nonstop. Finally, I answer, before he decides to show up. He’s been supportive but he misses his best friend. It isn’t fair to him that I quit having a life because some girl; no, she isn’t just some girl, she’s my Raegan.

  “Hello?” I try to make it sound like I’m occupied, rather than sitting on my ass staring at the TV.

  “Come out with me tonight, Garrett. You can’t stay cooped up forever. It’s been two months.” His point is valid, but I want to be here ready to jump up and run to her when she finally calls because she will. She fucking will, I know it.

  “I don’t want to go out. What if Raegan calls?”

  “Geez, shit man. You’ve been saying that every day for the past two months. Get the fuck off your ass and move on. What if she has?” I won’t listen to what he said; the thought of her moving on kills me. When I don’t say anything, Lance continues, “Rumor has it she’s fighting tonight. Come with me, hide in your little shadow to get your fix, and then let’s go out. I miss you, it’s not the same without you, man.”

  I take a deep breath, thinking maybe I should listen to him. I didn’t know she was fighting tonight.

  “I’ll meet you there,” I mumble.

  “Shut up, don’t lie to me.”

  “I will be there, Lance.”

  I hang up, then struggle to pull myself off the couch and into the shower to get ready. Seeing her each time gets harder and harder, and I’m not sure whether I really want to put myself through this hell tonight.

  Chapter 34

  Raegan

  Garrett will never know how hard it was to walk away from him that day two months ago. Things were so foggy from the night before, and I knew it had nothing to do with James. It was just that everything we did felt rushed. After jail and everything, I basically never left his apartment. We lived together not knowing whether we really even wanted to. Things fell into place, but it was too peachy. Until he yelled at me. Then I realized there might be more to Garrett than I’d realized.

  I was so overwhelmed with meeting with Dad for the first time since everything went down, and my guilt from the night before was consuming me. I just snapped. It broke his heart. I hated that, but I also remembered I hadn’t come to Lou’s in the first place to meet a guy.

  But, oh my God, I still love him so much. Everyday I don’t see him at the gym or get to talk to him tears me apart, but I did that to myself. I’ve talked to Whitney about him and she insists I take all the time I need because he will wait for me. But what if he doesn’t? Then this would be yet another relationship I’ve selfishly thrown down the drain.

  Nancy opened her doors to me. She didn’t question my outburst but listened as I poured my heart out to her. She apologized for springing this mess on me as soon as she did. She figured everything would be okay, and in a sense, so did I. I knew Dad was upset over how I walked out from lunch, and I fully planned on making it up to him when my mind was right again.

  Two days later, Dad called Nancy asking if we would like to have dinner with him. Panic swept over me as I stood there thinking about whether or not I wanted to do this. I knew I needed to. This was a hurdle I had to clear. Living in the shadows wasn’t an option anymore.

  Nancy cooked a cheesy ham and potato casserole for dinner. I helped her set the table whi
ch rarely got used. There was a fourth table setting, to even everything out. It hurt like hell because all I could think was that Garrett should be here sitting with us. I fixed everyone a glass of tea as we sat down to eat, trying to push away any thoughts of him.

  Things get interesting when Dad asks, “Well, Raegan, what have you been up to?”

  I bring the glass of tea to my lips and take a sip as I sort it all out in my head. I look him in the eyes before replying. “I joined a gym, Dad. I started training to fight in matches and every win gave my money to put in my shoebox. I worked hard for every penny.” He gapes at me, looking shocked. “Don’t worry Dad, I hardly ever lose.”

  The shock disappears from his eyes and he smiles. I’m sure this wasn’t what he imagined his daughter doing, but he seems proud of me—even though I’d started fighting to protect myself against him. At least now he knows I wasn’t out selling my body.

  He reaches into his wallet pulling out a blank check. “I want to pay you back, Rae. You worked hard for that money and I assumed wrong. I shouldn’t have done that to you.”

  I gasp, absorbing his words and playing them over and over again in my head. “Dad, it’s okay.” But it’s not okay. It never was. Still, I’m willing to let things go. None of this is easy, but I can move on.

  I expect him to drop the subject, but he doesn’t; he shakes his head, holding a pen poised over his checkbook.

  “No, Rae. It’s not. I want to know how much was inside that shoebox. Please.” The desperation in his eyes is vivid, and his bottom lip trembles as though he might cry. My father, crying over this? I’m blown away, but I’m touched; maybe he really can see how much he’s hurt me.

  “I-I had five hundred dollars inside the shoebox,” I stammer out my reply. Without pausing, he writes the check and passes it to me. The check is light, so light it could flutter away like the cash from my shoebox. But at the same time it feels so heavy. Maybe that heaviness is what’s in my heart—my shock at the changes I’m seeing in him. I can hardly believe what I’m seeing.