Fabulous Five 014 - The Seventh-Grade Menace

by Betsy Haynes

  Jana's mouth dropped open at what Shane was saying. It was true that she and Funny Hawthorne were seventh-grade coeditors for the yearbook, but they hadn't talked about a feature like the one Shane was telling Max about. She had seen Shane trick Max into donating money to save the animals. Was he trying to con Max again? She left her seat and went closer so she could hear better.

  "Model? Reenactment?" asked Max. He had forgotten all about Clarence Marshall, who was wiping his bloody nose with the end of his shirttail and listening with interest to the conversation.

  "Sure. You know how they do it when they want pictures of something that's already over," continued Shane. "They set up a reenactment and take pictures as if it were just happening. Since you were so nice about donating money, they thought you wouldn't mind having your picture taken at the collection table in the cafeteria." Seeing Jana nearby, Shane added, "Isn't that right, Jana?"

  Not knowing what else to say, she nodded. "Yes, it is."

  "See? What did I tell you, Max? And since you're going to have your picture in The Wigwam so many times, being a star football player and all, I thought I'd ask you for your autograph for my yearbook before everyone else did."

  Max looked at Jana. The angry look had faded from his face. She shrugged and smiled at him.

  Then, as if he had just remembered Shane was a lowly seventh-grader, Max winked at one of the ninth-grade boys he had been sitting with. "You'll have to stand in line."

  "Okay," said Shane, smiling. "I just thought I'd ask." He walked away casually, but Jana saw him look around for Clarence, who had gone to sit with Joel Murphy.

  A short while later, as she was leaving Bumpers, Jana caught up with Shane.

  "You're such a con man," she said, laughing. "What would you have done if I had said I didn't know anything about doing a feature story on saving the animals at Christmas in The Wigwam?"

  "Ducked," Shane responded with a big grin.

  "That's twice I've seen you do that to Geena's big brother. The other time was when you tricked him into flipping a coin to see if he would donate to the animal fund, and he lost."

  Shane looked at her with a twinkle in his eyes. "But you'll never be able to prove I tricked him, will you?"

  They had walked along together for several blocks when Jana noticed a frown cross Shane's face. "What's wrong?"

  "Hmm?"

  "You were frowning."

  "Oh, I guess I was just thinking about Igor."

  Jana braced herself for whatever was to come next. Igor was Shane's pet iguana and he was always making fantastic claims about him. He insisted that when he let Igor out of the house and he wanted to come back in, Igor would bang on the door with his tail. He also claimed that Igor had a stuffed dinosaur that he liked to sleep with. During the campaigning for class officers, Shane had brought Igor into Bumpers wearing a sign that was draped over the lizard's back that said Igor for President, and he had even tried to use Igor as a substitute baby during a Family Living class project. Shane was the only person she knew who loved an iguana, and she was sure he was about to pull something funny on her.

  "Okay," she said with an I-know-it's-coming-so-get-it-over-with sound in her voice. "What's wrong with Igor?"

  "He's sick, maybe even dying."

  His words hit her like a cold wind. She waited for Shane to break into a smile and tell her that he was kidding, but he didn't.

  CHAPTER 3

  "Igor may be dying?" Jana asked incredulously. "Come on. Be serious. You're kidding me, right?"

  "No," said Shane. "Something really bad is wrong with him. He just lies in his box and he hasn't eaten in three days."

  "Have you taken him to a veterinarian?"

  "They don't know anything about iguanas."

  "What about the zoo?"

  "My dad took Igor to the zoo, and they told him how to mix some mashed worms with a little medicine they thought might help. He wasn't interested in eating it either, but we pushed it down his throat with the eraser end of a pencil. He hasn't gotten any better, though."

  Jana felt her stomach lurch at the thought of mashing worms.

  "Does he have a fever?" she asked, changing the subject quickly.

  Shane looked at her quizzically. "I don't know how to take an iguana's temperature, do you?"

  "You put a thermometer in his mouth, maybe?" she asked hopefully, then shook her head, knowing that sounded dumb.

  "Actually, they're cold-blooded animals so I don't think it's the same as with a dog or cat," said Shane.

  Jana was about to suggest that, if lizards were cold-blooded animals, maybe the closer Igor's temperature was to freezing, the healthier he was. But that didn't make much sense either.

  "Can Igor have visitors?" she asked.

  Shane looked at her, obviously pleased. "Sure. Do you want to see him?"

  "Why not?" Even though she was going along with the conversation, Jana was still half-afraid that Shane would break out laughing and tell her it was all a joke.

  They walked the extra blocks past Jana's apartment building in silence. When they reached his house, Shane pushed the door open and let Jana enter in front of him.

  She looked around the room as he shrugged off his jacket and hung up hers in the closet. The walls of the living room were covered with posters, similar to ones Jana had seen in news stories about the 1960s. There were lots of flowers and peace symbols, and others were blown-up pictures of crowds of people with long hair and headbands milling around or standing on street corners. All the men had beards and wore patched jeans, and the women were mostly dressed in long, loose dresses and had flowers in their hair.

  The furniture in the room consisted mainly of large pillows thrown around on the floor, a couple of low tables, and an expensive-looking stereo. Jana's eyes were drawn upward. The ceiling was covered with Styrofoam cups that looked like little bluntnosed stalactites.

  "It's my dad's idea of how to improve the acoustics," said Shane, noticing her upward glance. "He listens to his old records in here. Come on. Igor's in my room." He led the way down a hall.

  Shane's room was totally different from what Jana had seen of the rest of the house. It was neat and had pictures of baseball and football players on the walls. Over his desk was a photograph of a man and a woman who could have come straight out of one of the sixties posters in the living room.

  "That's my mom and dad," he said when he saw Jana looking at it.

  It was obvious where Shane got his good looks. His mother was a thin, pretty lady, with long, brown hair. She was very young in the picture. His father was tall, with chiseled features, and a black beard.

  Igor lay quietly sunning himself under a heat lamp in a box filled with sand and rocks in one corner of the room. There were two plants that looked like miniature potted trees wedged in between rocks, and a plastic pan of water was sunk in one corner like a little pool. All Igor needs is sunglasses and a swimsuit, Jana thought, holding in a giggle. It looks as if he's posing for an advertisement for a Florida vacation.

  The greenish-brown iguana was over two feet long and lay so still she would have thought he was dead except for an occasional blink of his black eyes and the throbbing of the folds of skin under his throat as he breathed.

  "He hasn't moved in the last two days," said Shane.

  "Have you fed him anything different that might have made him sick?" asked Jana.

  "Just the mashed worms and medicine."

  Jana scrunched up her nose at the thought of the horrible mess. "Anything else besides that gourmet meal? He hasn't gotten out when you weren't looking, has he?"

  "No," Shane answered, shaking his head.

  Jana thought hard. She wished that she could think of something that would help, but she was certainly no expert on iguanas.

  "How about a soda?" asked Shane.

  "I don't think you could get him to drink one," said Jana, laughing.

  "I don't mean for Igor, dummy. I mean for us."

  Jana followed him i
nto the kitchen, where the walls were painted a bright red and hung with more peace posters.

  Shane opened the refrigerator to get out the sodas, and she saw that it was mostly full of health foods. He had once said that his mother and father ate a lot of fruit and things made with grains, and drank homemade vegetable juices. Shane took out an apple and offered it to her.

  "Aren't you afraid that Max McNatt is going to catch on to you someday?" Jana asked as they sat at the table drinking the cola and eating apples. "He and his brother Joe might beat you up."

  "I don't know what you mean," Shane said in a perfectly serious voice. "Max and I are buddies." The twitching at the corners of his mouth showed he was having a difficult time not smiling.

  "You may think you are, but one of these days he's going to catch on to your tricks."

  "Oh, Max is all right," said Shane. "He just likes to pretend he's tough. He wouldn't hurt anyone."

  "His sister is a lot like him," said Jana. "Except she's not as big."

  Shane looked at her. "Geena? What's she been doing?"

  "She picks on people who can't defend themselves, like Whitney Larkin."

  "I guess she does take after her brothers," said Shane.

  They were still sitting at the table talking when Shane's mother and father came home, and he introduced them to Jana. She had been dying to meet them since she knew they had been hippies, and she had heard all sorts of things about them, such as how Mrs. Arrington used to bring rice balls and chopsticks instead of cupcakes to school for Shane's birthday when he was in the lower grades.

  Mrs. Arrington was still pretty and had a sweet, almost angelic smile, but she had gained weight since the picture in Shane's room was taken, and her stomach was round. As she walked into the room, she was letting her hair down from a bun, and it fell to her waist.

  Shane's father still wore a beard, although it was neatly trimmed, and his hair was long in back and gray at the temples. He was wearing a pin-striped suit.

  "Let me at that fridge," said Mr. Arrington after saying hello to Jana. He tossed his suit coat carelessly over the back of a chair and took out a large pitcher that was full of an unidentifiable gray-looking liquid and filled a glass.

  Jana watched in fascination as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down with each swallow. All he needs is a mole on his cheek and he would look like Abraham Lincoln, thought Jana.

  "Care for some carrot and cucumber juice?" Mr. Arrington said, holding the pitcher out to Jana. "I made it myself."

  Jana shook her head. "No thanks." The drink was probably nutritious, but if it tasted anything like it looked, she didn't want to gag in front of Shane's parents.

  "I've got to go," Jana said, getting up. "I've got lots of homework tonight."

  Shane walked her to the door. The Arringtons' old orange Volkswagen Beetle with flowers and butterflies painted on the sides sat in the driveway.

  "I'm really sorry about Igor. I hope he gets better soon," Jana said to Shane. "And by the way, your parents are very nice."

  He smiled. "They're different, but they're all I've got."

  After dinner, Jana's stepfather Pink volunteered to help her mother with the dishes, and Jana went to call Randy before tackling her homework.

  "Hi," she said when Randy answered. "Have you heard the rumor about me running for Miss Seventh Grade?"

  "Yes," he responded. "I was going to ask you about that. When did you decide to do it?"

  "I haven't actually," she said, laughing. "Funny Hawthorne is the one who made the whole thing up. She says that she thinks you and I would make perfect Mr. and Miss Seventh Grade. Katie, Christie, Beth, and Melanie said they thought so too, and they're pushing me to run."

  "I think you'd have a good chance of winning. I don't know a nicer girl in the entire class, but of course I'm prejudiced."

  The sound in his voice made warm fingers dance up and down her spine.

  "That's nice of you to say," she answered in a soft voice. "But I told my friends that the only way I would do it was if you would run for Mr. Seventh Grade."

  The other end of the telephone line was quiet for a moment as Randy thought about what she'd said. Jana held her breath as she waited. It wasn't so much that she wanted to be Miss Seventh Grade. It was more that she wanted for Randy and her to be Mr. and Miss Seventh Grade together. It would be so perfect.

  "If you really want to," he finally said. "I wouldn't do it either if you weren't going to run. That's the only way it would mean anything to me."

  Jana thought she would faint with happiness. Randy had said yes! She couldn't wait to tell the rest of The Fabulous Five.

  CHAPTER 4

  "Randy said he would run for Mr. Seventh Grade if I would run for Miss Seventh Grade!" Jana almost squealed the news to the rest of The Fabulous Five as she joined them by the school fence the next morning.

  "Fantastic!" said Christie, jumping up and down.

  Melanie rolled her eyes back in her head. "Oh! You'll make the dreamiest Mr. and Miss Seventh Grade."

  "Plans! We've got to make plans," shouted Beth. "The election is next Wednesday."

  "Don't get excited, everybody," said Katie, putting her hands up as if she were a traffic cop. "We'll handle it. The first thing Jana and Randy have to do is register their names in the office. That means we have to get fifty signatures for each of them first."

  "Right," said Christie. "Everybody take two sheets of paper and write 'Jana Morgan for Miss Seventh Grade' on one, and 'Randy Kirwan for Mr. Seventh Grade' on the other, and get kids to sign them."

  "We'd better ask if they've signed some other Fab Five's petition, though," said Melanie. "Duplicates won't count."

  Jana grinned and nodded. It was great to know that she had such super friends. They were really excited about her running. "We'll compare petitions at lunch and strike out duplicates."

  Christie jumped up and down. "We've got to have a planning meeting!" she chirped excitedly. "And we need to include the guys in on it."

  "We could have a planning meeting at my house," Beth added. "Except if all my brothers and sisters are home, we won't be able to hear each other talk."

  "We can have it at my house," Melanie chimed in.

  "Okay. We'll meet at your house," said Jana. "At least until your parents get tired of our having our meetings in your family room."

  Suddenly Jana remembered something else she had wanted to ask her friends. "Did any of you know that Igor is sick?"

  "Igor?" Christie asked, raising her eyebrows. The others looked at each other with concern showing on their faces.

  "Shane didn't say anything to me," said Katie. "I was talking to him yesterday afternoon in social studies."

  "He told me after we left Bumpers yesterday," said Jana. "Then I went over to his house to see Igor, and he didn't look good. Shane said he hasn't moved in three days."

  "How does a sick iguana look?" asked Beth. "Was Igor all green around the gills?"

  "He always looks green around the gills," said Katie. "That's his natural color."

  "Oh, yeah," Beth said.

  In spite of the fact that she did care about Shane's pet, Jana giggled. "I couldn't see any difference in his color. Someone his dad talked to at the zoo told him to feed Igor mashed worms with some medicine that he recommended."

  "Eee-YEW!" said Melanie, screwing her face into a funny expression. "That's gross!"

  Christie stuck her tongue out as if she were going to throw up. "Ugh!"

  "Shane's really worried," said Jana, frowning. "He told me he thought Igor might even die."

  "Oh, no!" said Beth with a look of horror. "What would he do without Igor?"

  "Maybe we should send Igor get-well cards," said Katie. "It might cheer Shane up."

  "And we could wear yellow ribbons to show we're pulling for him," suggested Christie.

  "That's what we did for Randy when he was in the hospital," complained Jana.

  "That's all right," responded Christie. "Randy deserves as much
consideration as Igor does."

  Jana's mouth dropped open. Then she saw the twinkle in Christie's eyes as she nudged Katie. Christie was teasing her.

  "Okay. Those are great ideas," said Jana, laughing. "Let's tell everyone we know and get them all to do the same thing. Tomorrow morning everybody show up with yellow ribbons on."

  "All right!" shouted Melanie.

  After English class Jana met Randy in the hall, just as she did every day. She was so excited about The Fabulous Five's plans for getting them both nominated, she filled him in right away. "And here are my petitions for you and me," she added, showing them to him, "and you've got to sign in the space I left right below my name. Oh," she said, remembering. "First I'm supposed to ask if you've signed anyone else's petition for us."

  "No," Randy said, laughing. "Wow! You must have fifteen names already." He took her notebook and scribbled his name where she'd pointed.

  "Unless there are a lot of duplicates, I wouldn't be surprised if we got the fifty signatures today."

  "It's kind of nice to know that you've got so many friends," he said, handing the petition back to her.

  Jana was surprised to see how fast the word had spread about Randy and her. Dekeisha Adams, Sara Sawyer, Mona Vaughn, and lots of other people stopped her in the hallway between classes to tell her they would vote for her and Randy. Garrett Boldt, who was in the eighth grade and was the photographer for the yearbook, told her that he wished he could be in the seventh grade for just one day so he could vote for her. Even Taffy Sinclair, who had been Jana's worst enemy at Mark Twain Elementary, smiled sweetly and told her that, since she didn't have time to run for Miss Seventh Grade herself because of her busy modeling schedule, she would vote for Jana.

  Jana watched Taffy walk away holding hands with Cory Dillon, the lead guitar player with the student rock group, The Dreadful Alternatives. She couldn't help remembering how The Fabulous Five had once started a club against Taffy Sinclair at Mark Twain Elementary. Taffy had been so snotty then and was always trying to steal Randy Kirwan away from Jana. While Taffy was still something of a show-off, she was going with Cory now, and she and Jana were getting along a lot better at Wacko Junior High.