When learning a new communication style, consider the “mumble and walk away” technique. Say no as rarely as possible. Use “when-then” or positive phrasing instead. Or Vicki Hoefle’s “convince me” technique.
Don’t label children. Describe their behavior and anchor positive traits you notice. Specific verbal feedback will encourage a child, whereas broad or over-the-top praise may actually discourage the behavior you want, as seen in Carol Dweck’s research.
Ross Greene’s model involves active listening; finding a solution the adult and child can agree upon; and systematically tackling problem areas one by one. For more detail, see www.livesinthebalance.org or Greene’s books, most recently Raising Human Beings.
Capability
Focus less on academic, sports, and arts performance and more on emotion management, executive function, and life skills. It helps children’s mental health to contribute to the family, school, or community.
Vicki Hoefle’s books give a structure for systematically building children’s skills. Start with small and manageable chores, keep it fun, and work alongside young children.
Help children learn what helps them self-regulate, whether a quiet corner, physical exertion, a fidget or stress ball, conversation, a hug, or another tool. The PAX Good Behavior Game builds students’ social-emotional skills without taking up classroom time. For more information, see https://paxis.org/.
Unwanted behaviors are “weeds” that grow when watered with attention. Ignore them. Highlight desired behaviors instead.
Limits, Routines, and Modeling
Consequences should be set by mutual agreement and be respectful, reasonable, revealed in advance, and related to the unwanted behavior or action. Let experience teach the lesson. There’s no need to chastise the child or rescue them from being upset.
It’s okay for adults to have bad days or struggle with self-regulation ourselves. Stop worrying about what the world around you thinks of your parenting. Learn what you need to model healthy stress management, conflict resolution, respectful communication, and use of technology. Be open to outcomes that are different than you imagined—but may still be acceptable. Expect learning to take time.
Put a child in charge of a task they’ve been resisting or pick the most difficult kid to help. Homework is kids’ responsibility. Advocate for them—or help them self-advocate—if teachers assign too much. View screen time as a privilege that accompanies responsibilities. Stay out of sibling conflict as much as possible, and never take sides.
Find or build support networks of like-minded adults. Be patient as you implement new tools. Focus on solving problems, not fixing your kids.
Selected Bibliography
Chapter 1: Introduction
Statistics on parents’ time with children are taken from a Pew Research Center analysis of American Time Use Survey data by Juliana Menasce Horowitz, Kim Parker, Nikki Graf, and Gretchen Livingston, “Americans Widely Support Paid Family and Medical Leave, but Differ over Specific Policies,” March 23, 2017, www.pewsocialtrends.org/2017/03/23/americans-widely-support-paid-family-and-medical-leave-but-differ-over-specific-policies/.
Data on the drop in discipline problems were found on the Maine Juvenile Justice Advisory Group website, www.maine.gov/corrections/jjag.
Chapter 2: An Epidemic of Misbehavior
Description of research from email correspondence with Elena Smirnova and her translation of Elena O. Smirnova and Olga V. Gudareva, “Igra i Proizvol’nost u Sovremennykh Doshkol’nikov” (“Play and Intentionality in Modern Preschoolers”), Voprosy Psikhologii 1 (2004): 91–103.
Elena Bodrova, Carrie Germeroth, and Deborah J. Leong, “Play and Self-regulation: Lessons from Vygotsky,” American Journal of Play 6, no. 1 (2013): 111.
Jean M. Twenge, “Time Period and Birth Cohort Differences in Depressive Symptoms in the US, 1982–2013,” Social Indicators Research 121, no. 2 (2015): 437–454.
Jean M. Twenge, iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy—and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood—and What That Means for the Rest of Us (New York: Simon & Schuster/Atria Books, 2017).
Yalda T. Uhls, Minas Michikyan, Jordan Morris, Debra Garcia, Gary W. Small, Eleni Zgourou, and Patricia M. Greenfield, “Five Days at Outdoor Education Camp Without Screens Improves Preteen Skills with Nonverbal Emotion Cues,” Computers in Human Behavior 39 (2014): 387–392.
Ethan Kross, Philippe Verduyn, Emre Demiralp, Jiyoung Park, David Seungjae Lee, Natalie Lin, Holly Shablack, John Jonides, and Oscar Ybarra, “Facebook Use Predicts Declines in Subjective Well-being in Young Adults,” PloS One 8, no. 8 (2013): e69841.
Dimitri Christakis, “Media and Children,” TEDxRainier, posted to YouTube on December 28, 2011, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v =BoT7qH_uVNo.
Pooja S. Tandon, Chuan Zhou, Paula Lozano, and Dimitri A. Christakis, “Preschoolers’ Total Daily Screen Time at Home and by Type of Child Care,” Journal of Pediatrics 158, no. 2 (2011): 297–300.
For American Academy of Pediatrics report on kids and digital media, see Yolanda (Linda) Reid Chassiakos, Jenny Radesky, Dimitri Christakis, Megan A. Moreno, and Corinn Cross, “Children and Adolescents and Digital Media,” Pediatrics 138, no. 5 (2016): e20162593.
Dimitri A. Christakis, Frederick J. Zimmerman, David L. DiGiuseppe, and Carolyn A. McCarty, “Early Television Exposure and Subsequent Attentional Problems in Children,” Pediatrics 113, no. 4 (2004): 708–713.
Trina Hinkley, Vera Verbestel, Wolfgang Ahrens, Lauren Lissner, Dénes Molnár, Luis A. Moreno, Iris Pigeot, et al., “Early Childhood Electronic Media Use as a Predictor of Poorer Well-being: A Prospective Cohort Study,” JAMA Pediatrics 168, no. 5 (2014): 485–492.
D. A. Christakis, J. S. B. Ramirez, and J. M. Ramirez, “Overstimulation of Newborn Mice Leads to Behavioral Differences and Deficits in Cognitive Performance,” Scientific Reports 2 (2012): 546.
Victoria J. Rideout, Ulla G. Foehr, and Donald F. Roberts, “Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8- to 18-Year-Olds,” A Kaiser Family Foundation Study (Menlo Park, CA: The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, January 2010).
Kathleen Ries Merikangas, Jian-ping He, Marcy Burstein, Sonja A. Swanson, Shelli Avenevoli, Lihong Cui, Corina Benjet, Katholiki Georgiades, and Joel Swendsen, “Lifetime Prevalence of Mental Disorders in US Adolescents: Results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication–Adolescent Supplement (NCS-A),” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 49, no. 10 (2010): 980–989.
Peter LaFreniere, “Evolutionary Functions of Social Play: Life Histories, Sex Differences, and Emotion Regulation,” American Journal of Play 3, no. 4 (2011): 464–488.
Sergio Pellis and Vivien Pellis, The Playful Brain: Venturing to the Limits of Neuroscience (London: Oneworld Publications, 2013).
Peter Gray, Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life (New York: Basic Books, 2015).
Jane E. Barker, Andrei D. Semenov, Laura Michaelson, Lindsay S. Provan, Hannah R. Snyder, and Yuko Munakata, “Less-Structured Time in Children’s Daily Lives Predicts Self-Directed Executive Functioning,” Frontiers in Psychology 5 (2014).
Roberta M. Golinkoff and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Becoming Brilliant: What Science Tells Us About Raising Successful Children (Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2016).
Sandra L. Hofferth and John F. Sandberg, “Changes in American Children’s Time, 1981–1997,” in Children at the Millennium: Where Have We Come From? Where Are We Going?, vol. 6, edited by Timothy Owens and Sandra L. Hofferth (Oxford: Elsevier Science/JAI, 2001), 193–229.
Sandra L. Hofferth, “Changes in American Children’s Time: 1997 to 2003,” Electronic International Journal of Time Use Research 6, no. 1 (2009): 26.
“America’s Tutor Boom: By the Numbers,” The Week, October 13, 2011, http://theweek.com/articles/481041/americas-tutor-boom-by-numbers.
Liz Moyer
, “Tutoring Kids: The Pressure Is On,” Wall Street Journal, The Juggle Blog, October 13, 2011.
Richie Poulton, Terrie E. Moffitt, and Phil A. Silva, “The Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study: Overview of the First 40 Years, with an Eye to the Future,” Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology 50, no. 5 (2015): 679–693.
Richie Poulton, Simon Davies, Ross G. Menzies, John D. Langley, and Phil A. Silva, “Evidence for a Non-Associative Model of the Acquisition of a Fear of Heights,” Behaviour Research and Therapy 36, no. 5 (1998): 537–544.
Richie Poulton, Ross G. Menzies, Michelle G. Craske, John D. Langley, and Phil A. Silva, “Water Trauma and Swimming Experiences Up to Age 9 and Fear of Water at Age 18: A Longitudinal Study,” Behaviour Research and Therapy 37, no. 1 (1999): 39–48.
Richie Poulton, Barry J. Milne, Michelle G. Craske, and Ross G. Menzies, “A Longitudinal Study of the Etiology of Separation Anxiety,” Behaviour Research and Therapy 39, no. 12 (2001): 1395–1410.
Chapter 3: The Brain and Discipline
Joseph Ledoux, Synaptic Self: How Our Brains Become Who We Are (New York: Viking Adult, 2002).
Joseph Ledoux, The Emotional Brain: The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1996).
Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind (New York: Delacorte Press, 2011).
Harry T. Chugani, Michael E. Behen, Otto Muzik, Csaba Juhász, Ferenc Nagy, and Diane C. Chugani, “Local Brain Functional Activity Following Early Deprivation: A Study of Postinstitutionalized Romanian Orphans,” Neuroimage 14, no. 6 (2001): 1290–1301.
Vincent J. Felitti, Robert F. Anda, Dale Nordenberg, David F. Williamson, Alison M. Spitz, Valerie Edwards, Mary P. Koss, and James S. Marks, “Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study,” American Journal of Preventive Medicine 14, no. 4 (1998): 245–258.
Other resources that are helpful for understanding the ACE study include: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs),” www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/; and ACES Too High News, “ACEs Science 101: ACEs Science FAQs,” https://acestoohigh.com/aces-101/.
Nadine Burke Harris, “How Childhood Trauma Affects Health Across a Lifetime,” Ted talk video, posted to YouTube September 2014, https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma _affects_health_across_a_lifetime/transcript?language=en.
Gershoff, Elizabeth Thompson Gershoff, “Corporal Punishment by Parents and Associated Child Behaviors and Experiences: A Meta-analytic and Theoretical Review,” Psychological Bulletin 128, no. 4 (2002): 539.
Ming-Te Wang and Sarah Kenny, “Longitudinal Links Between Fathers’ and Mothers’ Harsh Verbal Discipline and Adolescents’ Conduct Problems and Depressive Symptoms,” Child Development 85, no. 3 (2014): 908–923.
James A. Coan, Hillary S. Schaefer, and Richard J. Davidson, “Lending a Hand: Social Regulation of the Neural Response to Threat,” Psychological Science 17, no. 12 (2006): 1032–1039.
George W. Brown, G. Morris Carstairs, and Gillian Topping, “Post-hospital Adjustment of Chronic Mental Patients,” The Lancet 272, no. 7048 (1958): 685–689.
Jill M. Hooley, “Expressed Emotion and Relapse of Psychopathology,” Annual Review of Clinical Psychology 3 (2007): 329–352.
Criticism and the Course of Mental Disorders,” in Social Neuroscience: Brain, Mind, and Society, edited by Russell K. Schutt, Larry J. Seidman, and Matcheri S. Keshavan (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2015).
Jill M. Hooley and John D. Teasdale, “Predictors of Relapse in Unipolar Depressives: Expressed Emotion, Marital Distress, and Perceived Criticism,” Journal of Abnormal Psychology 98, no. 3 (1989): 229.
Jill M. Hooley, Staci A. Gruber, Laurie A. Scott, Jordan B. Hiller, and Deborah A. Yurgelun-Todd, “Activation in Dorsolateral Prefrontal Cortex in Response to Maternal Criticism and Praise in Recovered Depressed and Healthy Control Participants,” Biological Psychiatry 57, no. 7 (2005): 809–812.
Jill M. Hooley, Greg Siegle, and Staci A. Gruber, “Affective and Neural Reactivity to Criticism in Individuals High and Low on Perceived Criticism,” PLoS One 7, no. 9 (2012): e44412.
Jill M. Hooley and David J. Miklowitz, “Perceived Criticism in the Treatment of a High-Risk Adolescent,” Journal of Clinical Psychology 73, no. 5 (2017): 570–578.
Jill M. Hooley, Staci A. Gruber, Holly A. Parker, Julien Guillaumot, Jadwiga Rogowska, and Deborah A. Yurgelun-Todd, “Cortico-Limbic Response to Personally Challenging Emotional Stimuli After Complete Recovery from Depression,” Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging 171, no. 2 (2009): 106–119.
Olivia L. Conner, Greg J. Siegle, Ashley M. McFarland, Jennifer S. Silk, Cecile D. Ladouceur, Ronald E. Dahl, James A. Coan, and Neal D. Ryan, “Mom—It Helps When You’re Right Here! Attenuation of Neural Stress Markers in Anxious Youths Whose Caregivers Are Present During fMRI,” PloS One 7, no. 12 (2012): e50680.
Edward L. Deci, Nancy H. Spiegel, Richard M. Ryan, Richard Koestner, and Manette Kauffman, “Effects of Performance Standards on Teaching Styles: Behavior of Controlling Teachers,” Journal of Educational Psychology 74, no. 6 (1982): 852.
Edward L. Deci, John Nezlek, and Louise Sheinman, “Characteristics of the Rewarder and Intrinsic Motivation of the Rewardee,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 40, no. 1 (1981): 1.
Edward L. Deci, Allan J. Schwartz, Louise Sheinman, and Richard M. Ryan, “An Instrument to Assess Adults’ Orientations Toward Control Versus Autonomy with Children: Reflections on Intrinsic Motivation and Perceived Competence,” Journal of Educational Psychology 73, no. 5 (1981): 642.
Kathleen E. Anderson, Hugh Lytton, and David M. Romney, “Mothers’ Interactions with Normal and Conduct-Disordered Boys: Who Affects Whom?” Developmental Psychology 22, no. 5 (1986): 604.
Chapter 4: The Old Methods Don’t Work
Hesiod, Works and Days, 174, translation available at http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=hes.+wd+180.
Julie Bort, Aviva Pflock, and Devra Renner, Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids (New York: American Management Association/AMACOM Books, 2005).
Judith Warner, Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety (New York: Riverhead Books, 2005).
Diana Baumrind, “Effects of Authoritative Parental Control on Child Behavior,” Child Development (1966): 887–907.
Avidan Milevsky, Melissa Schlechter, Sarah Netter, and Danielle Keehn, “Maternal and Paternal Parenting Styles in Adolescents: Associations with Self-Esteem, Depression, and Life-Satisfaction,” Journal of Child and Family Studies 16, no. 1 (2007): 39–47.
Koen Luyckx, Elizabeth A. Tildesley, Bart Soenens, Judy A. Andrews, Sarah E. Hampson, Missy Peterson, and Bart Duriez, “Parenting and Trajectories of Children’s Maladaptive Behaviors: A 12-Year Prospective Community Study,” Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology 40, no. 3 (2011): 468–478.
Laurence Steinberg, Susie D. Lamborn, Sanford M. Dornbusch, and Nancy Darling, “Impact of Parenting Practices on Adolescent Achievement: Authoritative Parenting, School Involvement, and Encouragement to Succeed,” Child Development 63, no. 5 (1992): 1266–1281.
The data on working mothers come from the Bureau of Labor Statistics and a Pew Research Center analysis of American Time Use Survey data.
For a description of the University of Michigan’s Panel Study of Income Dynamics, see the PSID website at https://psidonline.isr.umich.edu/Studies.aspx.
Melissa A. Milkie, Kei M. Nomaguchi, and Kathleen E. Denny, “Does the Amount of Time Mothers Spend with Children or Adolescents Matter?” Journal of Marriage and Family 77, no. 2 (2015): 355–372.
Carol S. Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (New York: Random House, 2006).
Angela Duckworth, Grit: The Power of Passion an
d Perseverance (New York: Scribner, 2016).
Daniel H. Pink, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us (New York: Riverhead Books, 2009).
Nadine M. Lambert, Jonathan Sandoval, and Dana Sassone, “Prevalence of Hyperactivity in Elementary School Children as a Function of Social System Definers,” American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 48, no. 3 (1978): 446.
Patricia N. Pastor, Cynthia A. Reuben, Catherine R. Duran, and LaJeana D. Hawkins, “Association Between Diagnosed ADHD and Selected Characteristics Among Children Aged 4–17 Years: United States, 2011–2013,” NCHS Data Brief 201 (Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics, May 2015).
Jeffrey P. Brosco and Anna Bona, “Changes in Academic Demands and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in Young Children,” JAMA Pediatrics 170, no. 4 (2016): 396–397.
Harris Cooper, Jorgianne Civey Robinson, and Erika A. Patall, “Does Homework Improve Academic Achievement? A Synthesis of Research, 1987–2003,” Review of Educational Research 76, no. 1 (2006): 1–62.
Chapter 5: The Way Forward
Vicki Hoefle, Duct Tape Parenting: A Less Is More Approach to Raising Respectful, Responsible, and Resilient Kids (New York: Routledge, 2012).
The data on sleep are from National Sleep Foundation, “National Sleep Foundation 2014 Sleep in America Poll Finds Children Sleep Better When Parents Establish Rules, Limit Technology, and Set a Good Example,” March 3, 2014, https://sleepfoundation.org/media-center/press-release/national-sleep-foundation-2014-sleep-america-poll-finds-children-sleep.
Candice A. Alfano and Amanda L. Gamble, “The Role of Sleep in Childhood Psychiatric Disorders,” Child and Youth Care Forum 38, no. 6 (2009): 327–340.
Natalie D. Riediger, Rgia A. Othman, Miyoung Suh, and Mohammed H. Moghadasian, “A Systemic Review of the Roles of n-3 Fatty Acids in Health and Disease,” Journal of the American Dietetic Association 109, no. 4 (2009): 668–679.
The Good News About Bad Behavior Page 28