by B. B. Hamel
I finish eating while I watch Will and Cara play. I have to admit, he’s really good with her. Most men seem totally awkward around little kids, especially around little girls. I don’t know why, maybe because they think they’re going to break or something. Fortunately, Cara is about as resilient as they get, and she’s a really sweet girl.
I didn’t expect to have a good time. I know that’s probably bad to admit, but it’st he truth. I expected things to be awkward as hell, especially after yesterday. Instead, Will’s making it feel like nothing strange happened at all, like he didn’t just randomly eat me out next to a waterfall.
I get a little shiver, just thinking about his touch again. I know it’s bad and I need to stop, but I can’t help it. There’s even something sexy about how at ease he is with Cara. I should probably be worried about that, since he’s not supposed to figure out that he’s the father, but I’m not letting myself freak out. It’s a beautiful day, the food is good, and I haven’t really properly enjoyed myself in a long, long time.
This is what Will brings to me life that I’ve been missing. I’ve always found it hard to make friends, because of what happened to me. I can’t get close to people. It takes me a long, long time to open up, and most people don’t want to put in the effort to get a shy loner like me to talk. I know it’s because I’m damaged or whatever, since that’s what all my psychiatrists told me back in the day, but it’s still hard to get over.
Will’s the only one that ever tried. He brings joy and ease and happiness into my life in a way that nobody else does, except for maybe Eleanor and Cara. I want better for myself, or at least I want what’s good. Will’s good, even if I am still resentful.
He stands up and stretches after playing with Cara for a half hour. He walks over and sits back down next to me, groaning a little.
“Does she ever get tired?” he asks.
“Yes,” I say, laughing. “But it happens all at once. She only has two speeds.”
“I don’t know how you keep up.”
“I have help.”
“How do people with multiple kids do it?”
“I genuinely don’t know,” I say, and laugh again. “I’ll probably never find out.”
He watches me, eyes a little sad. “I meant to ask you about that, but I didn’t know how.”
I shrug a little. “It’s not a big deal. I mean, you know most of it already.”
“Yeah,” he says softly.
“The same issue applies. Because my parents starved me right when I was hitting puberty, my period’s are all messed up, and I shouldn’t be able to have kids.” I glance over. At Cara. “Doctors can’t really explain that one.’
“What makes you think you’ll never have another one?”
I purse my lips and just shrug. “They said I probably won’t, and I believe them. I just… have a feeling, I guess. Cara was a miracle, but miracles don’t happen twice.”
“Sometimes they do,” he says softly. “But I get it. Must’ve been a mindfuck, getting pregnant to start with.”
“You’re not kidding,” I say. “I always assumed it would never happen, and then boom, I’m a single mom. Life can be fucked up sometimes.”
“Yeah, it definitely can.” He leans back onto one elbow, watching me. “But you’ve done a good job. I mean, look at her.”
I look over at Cara. She’s so happy, just playing in the dirt, getting totally filthy but having a great time. I can’t help but smile. Eleanor’s going to be annoyed when she does the laundry, but it’s worth it.
“Yeah, she’s pretty great.”
“So uh, how are you, otherwise?”
I raise an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“Like, after the birth, and with everything…” He trails off.
“I’m fine,” I say. “The birth was hard but the doctor said it went pretty good, all things considered. Now I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been.” I glance down at his knee. “How’s that?”
“It’s shit,” he says, laughing. “But you know, I’m working on it.”
“Good for you,” I say. “Honestly, that’s probably more than most people can do.”
He sighs and leans all the way back, looking up at the trees. I move closer to him and look up into the trees, sitting cross legged and leaning back on my palms, head tilted backward. It’s a beautiful day, the sun shining, and Cara humming tunelessly as she plays. I feel so content it’s almost scary.
“I never expected to be back,” he says suddenly, “but I’m happy I am.”
“Really?” I laugh a little. “That’s surprising.”
“Put me back in touch with you.” He rolls his head over and looks at me. “That’s worth it.”
“Will,” I say softly.
He raises an eyebrow, smile on his lips. “What? You know you feel it too. It’s asesome having me home.”
“I like having you home,” I say. “But about yesterday.”
His smile turns into a smirk. “Yeah? You want to talk more about that?” He cocks his head to the side. “I can describe to you what else I wanted to do to you, nice and quiet so Cara can’t hear.”
I glance over at her. She’s too far away to catch any of this conversation. “I just meant, we shouldn’t get tangled up like that, is all.”
“You seemed to really enjoy our tangling,” he says.
“It’s been a while,” I admit, blushing.
“Really? Not a lot of big, strapping lads to fuck around here?”
“I’m a single mom,” I say. “Not exactly a line around the block.”
“There would be, if you put yourself out there.” He watches me and I know he’s being totally sincere. “Anyway, I hear you. Like you said, just friends.”
“Right. Just friends.” I lean toward him, feeling that intense pull. I want to kiss his gorgeous lips again, taste that intense desire tingling down my spine that only he’s capable of making me feel. I know he’s right here and I know that if I wanted to reach out and take it, he’d give it to me. He’d give me everything I want and more.
My fingers curl in on the blanket. I want him to bad it hurts.
“Mommy?”
Cara’s voice yanks me from the moment. I look over at her and she’s watching me.
“Yeah sweetie?”
“Juice.”
I get up and walk away from Will. I glance at him as he leans back, a smile on his face. I get Cara’s little sippy cup and hand it to her.
“Just this,” I say.
She takes it without a word and starts to sip at it as she plays. Of course she misses her mouth as much as she drinks any, so she adds sticky orange juice to the list of things making her totally filthy, but that’s okay.
The moments gone when I sit back down. It’s totally inappropriate, thinking about Will this way with Cara right here. I seriously need to get a hold of myself.
The rest of the day is pretty normal. We spend another hour or so lounging around, talking about basically nothing, while Cara plays. Eventually she gets tired, so we pack everything up and head back to my place.
Cara’s in my arms as I stand outside of Will’s truck, the car seat back in my own car at this point.
“Thanks for that,” I say to him. “It was really nice.”
“Any time,” he says. “I like spending time with you guys.”
“Yeah, even this one?” I grin and nod at the sleepy Cara in my arms.
“Especially this one,” he says, and Cara giggles heavily as he pokes at her side.
“See you later, Will,” I say.
“Yeah. See you.”
I watch as he gets back into his truck and drives off. It’s so strange. That was the first time Cara played with her father, but neither of them knows it. I’m the only one that fully understands what that little picnic meant, and I’m afraid how both of them will react when they figure it out.
Well, I’m less concerned about Cara than I am about Will. He has to find out the truth sooner or later if he
’s going to stay in my life, I just don’t know how to go about doing it. I’ve been pushing him away for so long now that I haven’t even considered this.
As I walk back up into the house, I can’t stop thinking about how good it felt to be on that blanket with Will and Cara, like a normal family, and how much it hurts knowing that’ll never, ever happen for me.
12
Will
“Did you see our latest product?” I ask the middle-aged guy with the thick bushy mustache. He’s looking at my father’s patented weight loss supplement like it’s about to jump out of the bottle ad bite him.
“Erm, no, I did not,” he drawls.
“It’s a great blend of amino acids, vitamins, minerals, and our secret selection of supplements that’s guaranteed to help you lose ten pounds in ten days.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Really? Ten pounds in ten days, guaranteed?”
“That’s right,” I say, forcing a smile and pushing the vomit back down my throat. “Come right this way…”
The guy doesn’t buy anything in the end, which is no shock. He didn’t seem like a moron, and only morons buy my dad’s products. It’s all so clearly snake oil marketing bullshit, especially with the little caveat on the back basically stating that none of their claims are backed by the FDA and buyer beware.
I hate peddling this shit. It makes me sick but I need the money, and it does pay pretty well. Trying to get people to part with their hard-earned money for this crap kills me though. It’s not going to help them, except maybe through the placebo effect. Everyone thinks there’s some magic pill out there that can just fix all their problems, but the fact is, there’s no pill.
I’ve learned this the hard way. The only solution is hard work. That’s what I did in my hockey playing days. That’s how I got onto Notre Dame’s team and how I made it into a decent spot in the KHL. Although I didn’t make it with the NHL, I still got pretty damn far in professional hockey. Now I’m working hard again, doing my physical therapy and coming to this shit hole of a job, trying to get back on my feet.
Although being on my feet’s the problem. My shifts are eight hours and I’m on my feet the whole time, which means by the end, my knee’s aching.
“William.”
I turn my head to spot my manager, this horribly conceited guy named Tim, watching me.
I sigh. I was leaning up against a display, trying to take some weight off my throbbing knee. I stand up straight.
“How many more times am I going to have to ask?” He glares at me. “I know you’re the boss’s son, but come on. Follow the rules.”
“Got it,” I say to him, when really I want to knock his fucking lights out. “I’ll do my best.”
“Just don’t lean. And smile more. You look pissed all the time.” He turns and walk away without another word.
“That’s because I am pissed all the time,” I mutter under my breath.
My coworker Lamar grins at me. I smile back. He’s a decent enough dude, and he hates Tim as much as I do, which makes him a solid ally as far as I’m concerned.
But this whole fucking thing is humiliating. I used to be a professional hockey player. Yeah, it was overseas, but still. I was playing the sport I loved the most and I was getting paid to do it. Now I’m working for my dad in a dead-end sales position in a store I absolutely loathe.
But Addie’s right. It’s time to grow up. Just because I move out of my father’s house and support myself doesn’t mean I’m giving up on my dreams. It’s just practical and realistic to start taking care of all this shit.
I haven’t had to be a real adult, not yet at least. When I was in Russia, everything was provided for us. The management of my team found me an apartment with another international guy, they sent us rides to practice and back, and they even cooked us team meals most days, especially when we were on the road. I didn’t even do my own laundry, the team sent a service for that. We really were taken care of, and I didn’t have a single worry in the world.
I know that’s not real life. Most people don’t have a cleaning person come in and do their laundry for them. I was spoiled because I was a professional athlete, but all that’s changed now. My knee aches and my back’s getting there, and I’m as far from the pros as I’ve ever been. But I’m accepting it and I’m starting to grow the fuck up.
I put a smile on my face and help another customer, and another, and soon the day slowly passes by. My shift ends at seven, and by the time six fifty rolls around, I’m practically itching to clock out and go home.
I’m leaning up against another display case, massaging my knee slightly, when the door opens and shuts. I glance up, wondering if I have to convince another poor sucker into buying some magic beans, and instead my heart starts racing.
Addie spots me right away. She walks over with a big smile on her face. She’s still clearly wearing her clothes from work, and she looks so fucking sexy in a simple skirt and blouse. It’s crazy how attractive I find her, even when she’s not even particularly dressed up. It’s just the way she moves that makes me so crazy.
“Hey Will,” she says. “Working hard?”
“Hardly working,” I say.
She grins, and I suddenly feel super aware of that khaki pants and the stupid blue polo shirt with my dad’s company logo on it. I look like such a fucking dork and I hate it, but it’s the uniform and I can’t change anything about it.
“I’ve never actually been in here before,” she admits. “Isn’t that crazy? Your dad’s owned this place as long as I’ve known you and I’ve never come in.”
“No reason to,” I say. “You’re not in the market for boner pills.”
She grins at me. “Do you really sell those?”
“Sure, although we call them male enhancement pills.”
“Do they work?”
“Probably about as well as everything else here.”
She laughs again and I feel a little bit better, just seeing her smile. “Well, it’s cool that you got a job.”
“Thanks,” I say, and check my phone. “I’m off in a few minutes, wanna meet me outside?”
“Trying to hustle me out? I see how it is.”
“I’m afraid you’re going to end up buying me boner pills, and we both know I don’t need them.”
She blushes slightly. “Asshole. I’ll be right outside.” She turns and flees the store, and I’m standing there, grinning to myself. Lamar gives me a look and I just shrug.
“A friend,” I say.
“I’d make her more than a friend real quick,” he answers. “Seriously man, that’s a fine piece of—”
“Okay, okay,” I say, laughing. “I get it.”
He laughs with me. “You know her a while?”
“Yeah,” I say, a little distant now. “Feels like forever.”
He’s about to say something else, but Tim comes out from the back and we both have to go pretend to be busy or else deal with him.
My shift ends not long later and I clock out immediately. I gather my stuff up and head out through the door. “Later,” I say to Lamar.
“Later, man.”
Addie’s sitting on a bench in a small open courtyard to the left of the store. I head over to her and she looks up, smiling at my approach.
“So, how is it?” she asks as I sit down next to her.
“Demeaning, demanding, and degrading,” I say, rubbing my knee.
“Ah yes, the three D’s of retail.”
“I don’t even know why I took this job, if I’m honest. It’s pretty bad.”
“How’s the knee?” she asks, noticing me rubbing it.
“Aches,” I say. “Standing all day isn’t exactly great for healing.”
She nods, looking a little concerned. “Did you have to take this job?”
“Probably not, but I don’t know what else I’d do.” I sigh a little bit. “Besides, it’s time to grow up, right?”
She narrows her eyes at me for a second, and I think she’s trying to read
my face. I give her a grin though, acting like I’m joking, even if I’m not.
“It must’ve been nice, getting a couple more years to be young and play hockey,” she says.
“It was,” I admit. “But this is what everyone else deals with, right?” I gesture around us at the little shopping center.
“Right,” she says. “I just never took you for a responsible guy.”
I laugh and shrug. “Can’t really deny that.”
“But you’re trying. I mean, you have a shitty job. Welcome to life.”
“Thanks,” I say. “Sucks though. My manager’s a dick.”
“That’s pretty par for the course. I think everyone needs at least one shitty job in their life.”
“Yeah? Why?”
“I don’t think you can appreciate the good stuff if you don’t experience som eof the bad.”
“Heh,” I say softly. “Well, we’ve both experienced enough bad already,y don’t you think?”
She’s quiet for a minute. I feel bad. I didn’t mean to send her on a trip down memory lane, back into that basement and her abusive parents.
“Anyway, listen,” I say, trying to pull her back. “I need to do something fun.”
“Yeah? We live in Weston. What’s fun?”
“We could go to the beach,” I say.
She hesitates. “The beach.”
“Yeah, over in Westport.”
“That’s for all the rich people,” she says.
“But we’re allowed. Weston people can use the Westport beaches.”
She hesitates a second. “I guess we could,” she says. “I remember people in high school talking about going.”
“It’s nice,” I say. “Quiet and all that.”
“Okay,” she says finally.
“You should bring Cara. Has she ever been to the beach before?”
Addie hesitates, clearly surprised that I suggested she bring her daughter. Truth is, I want to get closer to Addie, and I know the best way to do it is by getting close to her daughter, too.
“She hasn’t, but maybe some other time,” she says finally. “You don’t want a baby tagging along.”
“Please, I don’t mind.”