He just shrugged.
‘Why can’t you just say sorry?’ I said desperately. ‘Why can’t you just admit that you were wrong? Would that really be so hard?’
‘I’m not saying sorry. Because I didn’t do anything!’
I was aware that most of the people in the smoking area were now watching us, but I didn’t even care. I was so angry I was about to cry. I pressed the tips of my fingers against my eyes, as if hoping to force the tears back in. Neither of us said anything for a while, until Nick finally spoke.
‘I think we should break up,’ he said.
‘What?’
‘I don’t think we’re right for each other any more. I don’t think we should keep going on like this.’
‘You don’t mean that,’ I said, lifting my head. But when I saw the look on his face I started to panic. There was no anger there. He just looked like he wasn’t bothered any more. He was serious. I felt like everything was collapsing around me. I felt like nothing else mattered apart from what was happening right now on this bench. I told myself he meant everything to me. I needed to fix this, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to reverse the damage I’d done.
‘I can’t do this any more,’ he said. ‘I don’t think we’re right for each other.’
‘We are,’ I said, fighting back tears. I couldn’t bear this. We were meant to have made up by now. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
‘I didn’t mean it,’ I said. ‘I was just angry. I’m under a lot of pressure. I didn’t mean to say those things. I didn’t mean that we should actually break up. Stop for a second and think about what you’re saying. Think about what you’re throwing away.’
‘I’m sorry, Jacki,’ he said. ‘This is how it has to be. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I don’t think we should force this any more.’
The indifference in his voice upset me so much. He didn’t seem upset at all; it was like he didn’t care what this was doing to me. He didn’t care that I could hardly breathe, that I was about to burst into tears. Why was he doing this to me now? He knew how much stress I was under. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I started to cry. He just sat there, watching me. Chris and Fitz walked in our direction and then hovered awkwardly near the bench. They seemed to be as shocked about this as I was. Chris looked at me sympathetically, but Fitz just glared at Nick as if to say hurry up.
‘I have to get the bus,’ said Nick. ‘Will you be all right?’
Was he for real? Did he actually just say that?
‘Oh yes, I’ll be fantastic,’ I said, then buried my face in my hands.
‘I’m sorry, Jacki,’ he muttered.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t look up. When I eventually did, they were gone. I rooted around in my bag for my phone. My hand was shaking as I scrolled down through the numbers, heavy tears dripping on to the screen.
‘Hey,’ said Hannah, picking up. ‘Sorry I bailed – had to catch the bus. I have rehearsals at half eight.’
‘He broke up with me,’ I sobbed down the phone.
‘What? Where are you?’
‘The smoking area.’ I wiped my eyes.
‘I’ll be there in ten minutes.’
‘No, it’s OK. I thought you were still here. Go home, I’ll be fine.’
‘Stay there,’ she said. ‘I’m getting off.’
‘Seriously, it’s -’
‘Stop the bus!’ she screamed, and then hung up.
‘I mean, who the hell does he think he is?’ said Hannah.
‘What a total dickhead,’ said Sophie. ‘I’m so angry with him. SO angry with him… I hate him.’
‘He’s not even that hot,’ said Hannah. ‘He has a really big forehead.’
‘That’s true,’ said Sophie. ‘He does have a really big forehead.’
We sat in the ice-cream parlour across from Rage. It was empty apart from us and the ice-cream guy, who was drawing in his sketchbook and not taking any notice of our ranting. My mint choc-chip was melting into gloop and I swished it round with my spoon, unable to stomach it. Hannah and Sophie had been bitching about Nick for the past ten minutes, which did actually help to ease the pain a little. I wasn’t taking part any more; I was writing him an extremely long text instead, trying to explain why I’d been so difficult.
‘And he used the word literally in totally the wrong context once,’ said Sophie.
‘Yeah, that’s a real deal-breaker,’ said Hannah with a laugh.
‘What? I’m trying to be helpful!’ said Sophie.
‘You’re not texting Nick, are you?’ asked Hannah, breaking off from their we-hate-Nick session and finally noticing what I was up to. I didn’t even bother trying to lie. Hannah was an actress – she could spot even the most skilled of fakers.
‘Jacki, give me your phone,’ she said sternly.
‘But a lot of it is my fault,’ I said. ‘I threatened him. I gave out to him for not sharing stuff with me. I said if he couldn’t do that then what was the point of us?’
‘Listen,’ said Hannah. ‘It’s not your fault, OK? Something was obviously not right. You said so yourself last week.’
‘I know… but I never really thought we’d actually break up. I just need to -’
‘You should wait,’ said Sophie. ‘Wait until you’ve calmed down a bit, looked at things rationally, before you text him.’
‘Whatever you say now is going to sound a little crazy,’ said Hannah, ‘no matter how good your intentions. I know you feel like the only thing you want to do right now is fix it, but you have to let him go. He chose to break up with you. He’s a moron for doing it, and either you two weren’t meant for each other, or he’ll realize what a complete idiot he was and come running back. But he’s going to have to realize that for himself. You couldn’t control what happened tonight, but you can control what you do now. Don’t call him.’
It was the only thing I wanted to do right now, but I could see Hannah’s point. I deleted the half-written text without sending it and handed her my phone.
‘You’ll thank me later,’ she said.
‘They should really teach night classes on the subject of boys,’ said Sophie, folding her napkin into the shape of a ship. ‘Forget metaphysics, relationships are the real predicament.’
‘Life is one big long relationship night class,’ I said with a sigh.
Sophie smiled. ‘A friend-ship,’ she said, handing me the folded napkin. I giggled. I was so lucky to have such nice friends. Friends who convinced bus drivers to brake at undesignated stops and bought ice cream to cheer me up and lied about the level of my ex-boyfriend’s hotness. I did wish Colin could be here too, even if he would just say I told you so. He’d been right about Nick. He’d said I was going to get hurt, and now I was hurting a lot. But even though Nick had hurt me so much, I was still sure I loved him. And I really wanted to talk to him. I wouldn’t though. Not yet… I’d take Hannah’s advice.
‘Are you sure you’re going to be OK?’ said Sophie as we arrived at my gran’s gate.
‘Yes, I’ll be fine,’ I said.
Hannah handed me back my phone. ‘Call me if you need anything,’ she said.
‘I will.’
‘And don’t call him,’ she added.
‘I won’t.’
They forced me into a bear hug, only letting go when I’d been suitably squashed.
‘Bye,’ they said in unison.
‘Bye,’ I said, then pushed open the gate.
I opened the front door, stepped into the hallway, then closed the door as gently as possible behind me. It was so quiet, all the lights were off and Gran had gone to bed. In the silence the sadness suddenly hit me like a blow to the chest. I climbed the stairs, went into my bedroom, lay down on my bed and called Nick’s number. It rang out. He didn’t want to talk to me, he didn’t want to see me, he didn’t want to be with me. I felt so empty. I threw my phone on the floor, curled up into the smallest ball my body would allow and cried myself to sleep.
<
br /> Chapter 18
There’s something comforting in being alone. When you’re alone, you can’t get hurt. And yet we just keep going back for more, keep setting ourselves up for more pain. Because the hope for something great overrides the fear of getting rejected. And I think that’s a wonderful thing, that we’re willing to risk heartbreak because there is a very slight chance that this person might be the right person, that this person might actually love you forever. But I also think it sucks because at that moment I felt so, so horrible.
I couldn’t get angry, and that’s what I needed to be. I needed to get angry in order to get over Nick. When I could see him for what he really was, then I would be able to get over him. I was angry at myself for not being honest with him. Part of me knew he was moody and selfish and didn’t deserve me, but just then all I wanted was for him to hold me. He’d told me he didn’t want to be with me, that he didn’t want to talk to me, but the only thing I wanted in the world right then was for him to put his arms round me. I knew it was completely illogical and I knew I shouldn’t want it, but I did.
I lied to Gran and told her I had a migraine so that I wouldn’t have to go into work at the magazine. I just wanted to lock myself away, but at the same time it was torture to be alone. I wanted to talk to somebody, to get out some of what was in my head before I drove myself insane, analysing it over and over again, wondering how things would have gone if I hadn’t been so stubborn and called him. But then the next second I was thinking, No, why should I have to do everything? Why should I give in to his sulky moods and act like everything’s great when it’s clearly not? Part of me hated Nick for doing this to me. Could he not have waited a few more days? He didn’t know I was working on a case, but he did know I was working at Electric magazine. I wondered how long I could get away with calling in sick.
I heard my door creak. I pulled myself up, thinking it would be Gran offering me more tea. I couldn’t stomach anything at the moment, not even tea, so I really didn’t want any. To my surprise, I saw Hannah standing there.
‘Jacki King,’ she said, barging into my room. I’d just dumped all my stuff inside my door last night, so she had to climb over everything to get in.
‘Yes?’ I said.
‘Get out of that bed.’
‘I’m never getting out of this bed,’ I said.
‘So you’re going to stay there forever?’
‘Yes. I’ve decided I’m going to die of a broken heart.’
‘You can’t die of a broken heart, it’s not possible.’
‘Johnny Cash did.’
‘He was seventy-one!’
‘So?’
‘And he and June were meant to be together.’
I ignored the last comment. Hannah was just being mean now.
‘When was the last time you ate?’
‘Can’t remember.’
‘How come you didn’t go to work today?’
‘How did you know I didn’t go to the magazine?’
‘Dillon told me. He was worried about you.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ I said, trying not to think about the fact that Dillon had said he was worried about me. ‘If I lie perfectly still and try not to move and try not to think, then I’m fine.’
‘Have you heard from him?’
‘No.’
‘Are you going to the magazine tomorrow?’
‘No.’
‘Jacki, are you honestly going to let this take over your entire life? You need to get up.’
Hannah pulled the covers off my bed. I was wearing fleece pyjamas, bed socks and clutching a hot-water bottle.
‘I’m cold,’ I said. I actually did still feel sick and cold from yesterday. Having someone break up with you was obviously as physically painful as it was emotional.
‘That’s because you haven’t moved in fifteen hours. Get up, we’re going shopping! Sophie needs a new lens for her telescope and I need a new bra.’
‘I don’t want to go shopping.’
‘You don’t have a choice.’
‘Aren’t you meant to be in school?’
‘It’s sports day,’ said Hannah. ‘Sophie and I do not do sports day. Come on, we’ll pick her up on the way there.’
Hannah opened the wardrobe and pulled out my denims and Janis Joplin T-shirt.
‘Put these on,’ she said.
Usually I love shopping. I adore looking at clothes and bags and shoes. I could do it for hours and not get bored. But today every step was a chore. I didn’t want to be outside, I wanted to go back to bed. It took all of my energy to simply not start crying in public. Every song they play in shopping centres is a love song. Every. Single. One. Hundreds of songs filled with lies and empty promises and fake feelings. If they played Michael Bublé again I was going to crack. Hannah and Sophie tried their best to cheer me up, and I really did try not to be so grumpy, for their sake.
‘What do you think?’ asked Sophie, holding up a purple dress.
‘I dunno,’ said Hannah. ‘It’s not really you.’
‘I like it,’ I said. ‘I bet it would look nice on.’
‘I’ll try it on,’ said Sophie. ‘If that’s OK?’
‘Yeah, sure,’ I said.
I followed Hannah and Sophie around Dundrum shopping centre, but I wasn’t really paying attention. Instead I was still analysing, still trying to figure out what Nick was thinking, but I couldn’t. I think that’s one of the major tragedies of life. It was funny how Kayla and Beth had been able to get inside my head, infiltrate my dreams, show me what had happened to them, and yet I didn’t know what my own living boyfriend… living ex-boyfriend… was thinking. You can never get inside somebody else’s head – you’ll never be able to find out what they are really thinking. Even when someone tells you, you don’t really know. And I think that’s what hurt the most. Not the rejection or the betrayal. It was the not knowing what was going through his head in that split second when he decided that what we had just wasn’t worth holding on to. That moment when he decided I was disposable.
I could hear Colin’s words ringing in my ears – ‘You need to cut that loose, Jacki, because he’s not treating you right.’
Hannah held up two different eye shadows.
‘Which one?’ she said.
I shrugged.
‘You should buy a dress,’ she said. ‘That’ll make you feel better. And you need something to wear to karaoke at Rage on Friday.’
‘Oh, I dunno, Han, I don’t think I’m up for karaoke.’
‘But you LOVE karaoke,’ she said.
I somehow managed to make it through to lunch and we sat up on the stools at the sushi counter. I watched the brightly coloured plastic cartons go by on the conveyor belt. Hannah and Sophie were discussing their purchases. After much persuasion from Hannah I’d bought something. Usually I’d be excited about finding such a nice dress in exactly the right size, but nothing could cheer me up today. I still wasn’t hungry either. I wasn’t even going to attempt to eat. If Hannah and Sophie were getting tired of my mood, they didn’t say anything. I guess you get a free pass when something like this happens. Because everyone knows what it’s like to be dumped. And if they don’t they’re lucky.
When I got home, I promised Hannah I wouldn’t get back into bed, so instead I decided to write some lyrics. It wasn’t very enjoyable though because I just ended up writing particularly angry stuff.
A disposable camera
In the back of your drawer;
Distant memories
That’s what I’m good for.
Something fun
But you’d rather forget;
Listen up, baby,
I’m not quite done yet.
Were you getting bored
With my modest demands?
I’m sorry I don’t like
Your favourite bands.
Might want to consider
Before you throw me away;
Chances are you’ll
Be back some day.
> Eighteen red roses
Waiting by my door
But distant memories
That’s what you’re good for.
Chapter 19
The next morning I was at Electric magazine, feeling only slightly better. On top of everything that had happened with Nick, I was obviously coming down with something. This only added to my grumpiness. I tried to keep busy, but there wasn’t much to do. I think Ellie thought my bad mood was somehow related to the case, that I was worn out from working so hard on it, so she hadn’t given me much work. This made me feel guilty on top of everything else. I felt like I’d abandoned Kayla over the last few days. I’d been so obsessed with my own problems that I’d forgotten the real reason I was in Dublin. I had to snap out of it.
‘Are you OK?’ said Dillon, taking off his headphones.
‘Yeah,’ I lied. ‘I’m just really tired.’
I’d decided not to tell him about Nick, mainly because whenever I attempted to tell anyone my eyes welled up with tears. I was sure he’d find out eventually anyway.
‘I can’t believe the two weeks are almost up,’ he said, looking at me intently. ‘I wish I could stay here forever. I’ll miss doing all this with you, Jacki.’
I stopped in my tracks. Did he just say he was going to miss me? No, no. He just meant he’d miss working with me. I peeped up at him, trying to form a sensible response, but was too flustered by the way he was looking at me and by everything that had happened with Nick.
‘Um, yeah. I’ll miss it too.’ I stumbled over my words. ‘I -’
‘Jacki, Dillon, will you come into the office for a moment?’ Ellie called us in and with the tension of the moment suddenly broken, I wasn’t sure if I felt relieved or not.
We were ushered in and Ellie shut the door. ‘I’ll show you some photos of the location for tomorrow’s shoot,’ she said. ‘It’s just perfect; it’s so bleak, it really captures the mood of the -’
‘Oh my god!’ I blurted as she enlarged the picture.
Ellie turned round and looked at me, surprised.
‘It’s… it’s just so beautiful!’ I said.
‘Isn’t it just! I’m glad you think so too. So, hair and make-up starts at seven a.m…’
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