As Ellie filled us in with the rest of the details of the shoot, I stood at the desk staring at the photo in a daze. It was like somebody had taken a snapshot of my dream and put it on the Internet. I know lots of roads look the same, but this was unbelievably similar. I felt a shiver run down my back. I could hear the clinking of the camera and the clip-clop of the heels and I could see the brown eyes of the man in the balaclava.
‘Jacki,’ said Ellie. ‘You don’t look well at all. Do you want to go home?’
‘No thanks,’ I said. ‘I’ll be fine.’
I would. I had to be. This was clearly a sign.
One thing I learned the next morning was that it’s really, REALLY cold in the Dublin mountains at 7 a.m., even in May. Ellie, Cliona and Patricia were all wearing fur jackets – they’d obviously done this before. I tried to stop shivering and concentrate on what I had to do. Willis Middleton was sitting on one of those director’s chairs, wearing skinny jeans, a loose white T-shirt, a black leather jacket and lots of beads round his neck. He was holding a copy of his latest record, a concept album entitled Fear.
‘And for one last question… what scares you?’ asked the reporter, in a very serious voice.
‘Hmm… I’m not sure,’ said Willis. ‘I guess… nothing!’
Willis rarely does interviews, so everybody had been warned to be extra nice to him. ‘Humour him,’ were the words Ellie had used. I was too busy looking around, hoping to see the barbed-wire fence. We’d driven up a road that was uncannily similar to the one from my dream and walked through the unkempt grass, but I was yet to find the most important place. I thought maybe I’d see Kayla, but nothing had happened yet. I tried wandering off a few times, but each time Ellie would call me back to make sure Willis had enough water or enough choc-chip cookies. He actually wasn’t that demanding at all. I think he’d calmed down a lot since coming out of rehab. He’d been telling me how he didn’t drink coffee any more when I’d offered him some because he found it interfered with his meditation. He didn’t seem that crazy at all. But the Electric staff were all still pretty on edge, like he was a ticking time bomb that could go off at any second. I myself felt really sick, and wondered if it was from lack of sleep.
When it was time for Willis to get his photographs taken, Dillon and I walked him back to his trailer, and he changed into what looked like the exact same pair of skinny jeans.
‘Stay right there, that’s perfect,’ said the photographer. ‘These are great.’ I was getting frustrated. Surely this would be over soon? How many photos of Willis with his legs crossed, leaning slightly forward in the middle of the road, did they actually need? After what felt like an age, they moved him over to the trees, and then further into the field to get some more shots. Ellie asked Dillon and me to stay behind and start packing up all the outfits, none of which Willis had actually agreed to wear. I didn’t blame him – some of them looked seriously dodgy.
‘That’s a wrap, folks,’ said Ellie a few minutes later.
‘Brilliant,’ said Willis. ‘This means I’ll be able to catch my flight to New York after all.’
Ellie smiled, obviously delighted that the whole thing had gone off without a hitch. But her expression soon changed when she saw the anxious look on Willis’s face.
‘Crap,’ he said. ‘I think I must have dropped my Zippo… my wife got it for me for our anniversary – it’s engraved and everything. She’s going to KILL me.’
‘Jacki will find it,’ said Ellie with such assurance that it actually scared me. I already felt sick and I was in no state to be left in charge of finding an expensive and sentimental lighter. I trudged into the field, muck clinging to my Converse. I walked in the same direction they’d taken, hoping to see a glint of silver in among all the grass, but I found nothing. I kept looking and looking and I could hear Ellie calling my name, but I didn’t answer. What did she think I was, some sort of miracle worker? Then I saw it; not the lighter, but the barbed-wire fence.
It ran between the field we were in and the next. I rushed over to it and got the strangest feeling. I felt like I was sinking, even though I was standing perfectly still. I felt like everything was moving around me, just like I had the first time I’d dreamed about Kayla. Then I saw her, out of the corner of my eye, her red hair speeding past me in a blur.
This was it. I’d found it – I’d found her grave. I couldn’t believe it. I had to tell Detective Sergeant Lawlor straight away.
Then, on the other side of the fence I saw something glinting in the sunlight – Willis’s lighter. I made a mental note of exactly where I was, then took a few pictures on my phone, just to be sure I could find the place again. Then I rushed back to the others.
‘Oh, wow,’ said Willis. ‘Thank you so much! You’re an angel.’
‘It’s OK, no big deal,’ I said.
‘No, you don’t understand – the missus would actually have murdered me. I don’t usually do this,’ he said, ‘but here’s my card.’ He handed me his business card and smiled. Then he said goodbye to everyone and got into his car. He gave me the call-me signal from the window.
‘If you’re ever in NY, hit me up,’ he shouted as the car pulled away.
‘Wow. Well done, Jacki!’ said Dillon, putting his hand on my arm. We both realized what he had done and stepped apart hastily.
‘Dillon, I… er… I need to make a call.’
And I stumbled off.
Matt answered straight away.
‘I think I know where she’s buried,’ I said.
‘You serious?’
‘Yes. I’ve got an exact location – it’s in the Dublin mountains. There’s obviously no sign of a grave now because it’s all overgrown, but I know she’s buried there, I’d bet my life on it. We have to start digging.’
‘It doesn’t work like that, Jacki. I can’t just start digging. I need to give the team a reason.’
‘I’m giving you one. I have a strong feeling that she’s buried down there.’
‘I need a name, Jacki. I need some evidence. Detective Sergeant Lonergan is concerned that you haven’t come up with a name for us yet. Now this isn’t my view at all. I’m just telling you what he said. I told him that you are the best there is and that you’ll have something for us when the time is right, but he’s getting impatient.’
‘What exactly did he say?’ I asked. ‘Tell me, I can handle it.’
‘He said… he said he doesn’t know if you’re up to it.’
‘I know where she’s buried.’
‘I need a warrant to search there, and I can’t get one of those without -’
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I’m still working on it. I’ll do everything I can to get you a name. Just hold on for another little while.’
Now that I’d found where I believed she was buried, I suddenly had a renewed passion for solving the case. I’d let the real reason I was in Dublin get all swallowed up by everything that was happening in my love life (or lack of) and I felt bad. I was going to give Kayla justice and solve this case once and for all.
I called Andrew and asked to meet him at the ice-cream place. He started to protest, muttering something about going to Calum’s, but eventually agreed.
When I got there, Andrew was sitting by himself in a corner of the café, tapping his fingers on the table. It was really obvious he didn’t want to be there. He nodded when he saw me, but didn’t smile. That was fine with me – I didn’t need a welcoming committee. I just had one question I needed him to answer.
‘Would you like to explain this?’ I said, showing him the photograph of Kayla in the jersey.
‘I didn’t take that,’ he said.
‘It was on your phone.’
‘So? It’s on a few people’s phones.’
‘What?’
‘Calum sent it to us when none of us would believe he’d slept with Kayla. That’s her, and she’s wearing his jersey. I honestly thought he was making it up, but that’s definitely his. And I doubt he would have gone to the
trouble of stealing that picture from her.’
I hated to admit it, but I had a feeling he was telling the truth. I could ask the others, but I pretty much knew they would corroborate what Andrew said.
I was back at square one and still no closer to helping the girl who haunted my dreams.
Chapter 20
Whenever we’re in the same city, Hannah and I always get ready to go out together. It’s like a ritual. I go over to her house, or she comes over to mine, and we gossip as we listen to music and apply eye shadow and try to decide which top to wear. Right now I was at hers, watching as she stood on her bed, singing along to the Rolling Stones. I was wearing my new black dress, even though I felt like putting on my pyjamas and going back to bed. I still wasn’t feeling great – in fact I felt terrible. But I had to admit there was a possibility that Hannah was right – that forcing myself to go out and be sociable might actually make things better. So I was going to try it. I still hadn’t heard from Nick. I wasn’t proud of it, but I’d sent him one last text, asking him to talk to me. I’d regretted it immediately. I knew deep down that he probably wasn’t going to answer. I hadn’t told Hannah. I couldn’t deal with the disapproving glances that would follow that sort of confession.
‘So, who’s coming out tonight?’ I asked.
‘Ross,’ said Hannah. ‘And Sophie says she hates karaoke, but I reckon we’ll get around her. That’s it, I think, just the four of us. Not that many people were up for it.’
‘Yeah, how come your mum’s letting you go?’ I said. She was usually pretty strict, not that it ever actually stopped Hannah.
‘I told her you were broken-hearted and needed a distraction.’
‘Stop using my situation to feed your karaoke habit.’
Hazel had told me I could bring some friends to karaoke night in Rage for free. It was so nice of her. She hardly even knew me.
‘I dunno what I should sing,’ said Hannah. ‘Should I go for a classic or sing something a bit more out there?’ Hannah took karaoke way too seriously. She’d been attending musical theatre classes since she was four and had a very good voice. Although it wasn’t her first love, she wanted to be one of those actors who could also sing well if required.
‘Oh, I asked Dillon if he wanted to come,’ I said. I had kind of done it without thinking. He’d asked me what I was doing that evening and I’d invited him along. I told him he should definitely try to make it. Initially I’d been kind of embarrassed – it sounded like I really wanted him to go – but then I thought, Why not? It’s not like anything was going to happen and I didn’t have Nick around any more to get jealous about it.
‘Dillon?’ said Hannah.
‘Yeah, well, we did work together. He said he’s going to check with his friends and he might drop along later. I dunno if he will… he might.’
‘Oh my god,’ said Hannah.
‘What?’
‘You like him.’
‘What? No I don’t.’
‘You DO! You like Dillon!’
‘We’re just friends.’
‘You like Dillon. You’re right though. He is cute, especially since he cut his hair.’
‘I didn’t say he was cute, Hannah.’
‘How long have you liked him for? Why didn’t I spot this before? I suppose I wasn’t looking out for it. But now that you’ve got rid of that other tool… Are you going to kiss him? Or is it too soon?’
‘Hannah, I don’t even know if he likes me. I don’t know if I like him!’
‘Aha! You do like him!’
‘I didn’t say that!’ My cheeks turned red.
‘I knew it! Aww! That’s so cute. Dillon and Jacki, Jacki and Dillon. Jacki -’
I picked up the cushion from her desk chair and threw it at her.
‘OK!’ she said. ‘I’ll stop. He is cute though.’
‘Yeah,’ I said, admitting it to myself for the very first time. ‘He is.’
Rage had become one of my new favourite places. I just loved everything about it. I was happy to be there now; we’d even managed to drag Sophie along. Karaoke was due to begin in a few minutes and I was starting to feel a bit better. We were sitting at a table near the stage and already the place was packed. Hannah flicked through the list of songs. I knew this was exactly the kind of thing that Colin would love. I wished he was here, and I was tempted to text him, but I couldn’t face the thought of another person ignoring me. I just didn’t think I’d be able to handle it. I’d been so horrible to him after Nick had left me at the theatre that night, I wasn’t sure what to say to make it better.
‘What are you going to sing?’ Hannah asked me. ‘I’m torn between a few.’
‘I dunno,’ I said. ‘There are so many classics.’
‘It’s all right for you guys,’ said Sophie. ‘You’re the only ones who can sing.’
‘Er, speak for yourself,’ said Ross. Ross liked singing, but he hadn’t got a note in his head.
‘Ah, come on, Soph, it’s only a bit of fun,’ said Hannah. ‘You have to sing something.’
Sophie reluctantly took the song list off her.
I looked up and saw Dillon coming through the doorway. I watched him as he walked through the crowd. He was wearing his blue check shirt, the same one he’d worn on our first day in Electric.
‘Hey, guys,’ he said when he’d arrived at our table. ‘Mark and the others couldn’t make it.’ He sat down on the stool beside me. ‘God, I hate karaoke,’ he added.
‘Finally,’ said Sophie, ‘somebody who agrees with me!’
‘How come you’re here then?’ I asked, laughing.
‘Um… because you said you would be.’
I blushed. I didn’t think any of the others had heard him. I tried to come up with something clever to say back, to distract me from how I was feeling, but the words wouldn’t come and I ended up looking at the floor. Not a very smooth move, but I wasn’t quite ready to suggest to Dillon that I had feelings for him. It would mean a final closure on everything I’d had with Nick. And as much as I hated him for what he’d done to me and really wanted to let go, I wasn’t able to do that just yet.
Hannah kicked me under the table, then winked. Oh good. Someone had heard what Dillon said.
I kicked her back and tried to look angry, but even though I was confused, I couldn’t help smiling.
‘We need some really bad singing,’ said Dillon, who had noticed Hannah’s antics. He picked up the song list. I realized he had deliberately moved things on to make me feel less awkward. He went up and added his name to the list.
About fifteen minutes later, he was nervously approaching the mic. The intro to Thin Lizzy’s ‘Old Town’ came on, and I cheered. ‘This one’s for Jacki,’ he said. His voice was actually not bad, and when he smiled at me I couldn’t help but feel so much better.
‘I’m just going out to get some air,’ I said to Hannah several songs later. The weird sickness I’d been feeling all week had come over me again and I needed some space.
I stepped into Rage’s outside terraced area, its ceiling covered in hundreds of tiny twinkling fairy lights, and was surprised to see Dillon already leaning against the balcony.
‘Hi, Jacki,’ he said. ‘Are you not gonna sing? I suppose I can’t blame you. It’d be hard to beat my performance.’
I laughed despite how I felt. ‘You’d think. I’m actually not feeling that great so I came out for the air.’
‘Well, I’m glad you’re here anyway.’
I shivered in the cold. Dillon saw and moved towards me, taking off his coat. ‘Here, put this on.’
‘No, it’s OK. I…’ Dillon’s hand brushed against my neck as he pulled his coat tightly round me. The touch sent my heart beating faster. He moved slowly closer to me. I didn’t move away. Then he leaned forward and kissed me. His lips met mine and for a moment it felt amazing – breathtaking and electric. But, just as quickly as it had happened, I realized what I was doing and pulled back.
‘What’s wrong.
Are you OK?’ Dillon asked, looking worried. ‘I’m sorry, I just… I thought you wanted to -’
‘No, it’s not you, I promise.’ I shook my head sadly. ‘Listen, Dillon, I like you, I really do. But I don’t think I can do anything about it at the moment. This is going to sound like an excuse, but I swear it’s not. I just have to be honest – I’m not entirely over Nick. I like you, but I don’t think I can get into anything right now. I don’t think it would be fair to you, I’m just such a mess. I know I shouldn’t be with Nick, and I hate him so much, but I can’t let go of all the feelings I have for him. I wish they would just disappear.’
I didn’t want anything I had with Dillon to be tainted by this sadness. I was still waiting for my heart to catch up with my head.
‘Do you… do you ever think you’ll be over him?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, of course, I mean… I know I will. Sophie has this theory. She reckons you count up the number of days you went out with a person, and then divide it by three, and that’s the amount of time it’ll take you to get over them.’
‘How long were you going out with Nick for?’ he asked.
‘Um… two hundred and fifty-two days,’ I said, doing the calculations quickly in my head.
‘Right. I’m going to look you up in eighty-four days so,’ he said with a laugh.
I couldn’t tell if he was serious. He kissed me on the cheek. ‘Goodbye, Jacki,’ he said. And I felt my heart crumble just a little.
Chapter 21
I wandered back into the club alone. I seemed to be making a habit of it these days. Hannah was on stage belting out ‘I Love Rock ’n’ Roll’ at the top of her voice, complete with Britney-inspired dance moves that got more than one wolf-whistle from the crowd. I smiled and cheered her on as best I could, but the sick feeling had returned and I was starting to feel quite dizzy.
I looked up at Hannah, body-rolling against the mic, and willed myself to feel better. I didn’t have time for this. Ten days had already passed by and I still had nothing real to show Matt – no hard evidence that would put an end to Kayla’s case. Although I was certain I knew where her body was, I still didn’t have a name to give him. There were people I didn’t trust – Calum and Andrew especially – but I was wary of jumping to conclusions. I decided I should talk to them both again, try to figure out if they were hiding something.
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