“Hisashi-buri.”
Turning his head, he smiled at Sano, who was opening the door behind him. “It has been a long time. We’ve missed you at rehearsals. How’s the shooting going?”
“A little uncomfortable. Yesterday was the Big Love Scene.” Sano said the last shaking his palms in the air. “Every body was wound up. It has to be romantic, but not too romantic because her fan demographic skews really young. You know, the usual stuff.” Rubbing his mouth, he added, “My lips are killing me. And for nothing. It’s exhausting holding a ‘sexy pout,’ whatever that is.”
Gakino dug around in his bag, “Here,” he said, holding out some lip balm. “You call yourself an idol, but you don’t carry the necessary equipment.”
“Some days it feels a little ridiculous, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah. Some days it does.”
“You sound tired. And you look terrible.”
“Thanks.”
“Seriously, you’ve lost weight, and you look like you haven’t slept in a week.”
“You said it yourself. Sometimes it’s ridiculous.”
“But this isn’t normal, is it? I haven’t been around, but the other guys, they’ve been telling me all the stuff Sugiyama’s been pulling.”
“It can’t last forever, can it? I’ll just be a good boy for a while, and then . . .”
“Do you really think this guy is going to let up and then let you head back to Taiwan? Are you holding out for that? Because I don’t see that happening. Neither do the others.”
“He will.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“He has to.”
“Gakino, look at me.”
Gakino lifted his head from the couch.
“What if he doesn’t?”
“I’ll deal with that if it happens.”
“How much more of Sugiyama can you take? You should see yourself. The wardrobe people have been taking in your clothes, haven’t they?”
“Yeah.”
“Something’s gotta give, Gakino.”
Gakino let his head fall back. He took a deep breath. Sano was right. He couldn’t keep going like this. Three weeks of hellish work, without word of Eloise, wracked with worry and with guilt. And he knew, all he had to do was go to Sugiyama and tell him that he had no intention of seeing Eloise again. He’d be welcomed back, and after a little bit of time–time in which they’d watch to make sure he kept his promise–all would be forgiven. But he couldn’t do it. Just the thought of it made it hard for him to breathe. He couldn’t explain, not even to Sano, but somehow, Eloise and what was happening between them was precious. It was quick and sudden, and he couldn’t understand himself, but it was there all the same. And he couldn’t turn away from it. He didn’t even know how to try.
“Is it worth it, Gakino?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what’s at stake. What if Sugiyama’s right? What if this thing with Eloise is bad for the rest of you?”
“Let’s just say she is. Would she be worth it then?”
Gakino felt his jaw tense and the muscles in his stomach pull tight. She was worth it to him. If only he would be harmed, if only his days in Tenshi were over, she was worth it. But it wasn’t just him.
He looked down at the floor and shook his head no.
“You don’t have to worry about the rest of us.”
“I know.”
“And you shouldn’t worry about Tenshi. I don’t think he’s right. Besides, We’re not kids anymore. The company and our fans are going to have to accustom themselves to some change. If not now, for you, then at least sometime for one of us.”
Gakino nodded. He understood it in his mind, but he didn’t feel right staking all their work and their dreams on something for himself. There had to be something he could do.
“When I talked about this earlier with Shun, he said, ‘Tell Gakino, if our fans don’t like it, they can also go to KAT-TUN,’ and that’s coming from Tenshi’s very own Super Idol. So it’s good advice.
Gakino laughed. It was a pathetic little laugh, but it felt good that his friends wanted this for him.
“It’ll be fine. Our fans won’t leave over something like this. Not after ten years.”
“Right. Right.”
“And if they do, what did we have anyway?”
“Right.”
“But you’re still not going to push on this yet, are you?”
“No. There has to be something.”
*
A few hours later, the studio was filled with busy staff who’d started to arrive just after Sano. They’d almost finished setting up. Gakino and Sano were in wardrobe. As were two female models. The four of them all looked comfortable and relaxed, dressed in everyday clothes. But the clothes weren’t the same brand, so they couldn’t be shooting a label endorsement. There was an inordinate amount of props and, strangely, equipment for filming and photography. There were also several vans that were being loaded up. Apparently, they were going to be shooting on location, too. He couldn’t remember when they’d last done promo work on this large a scale, and they’d never done it without the entire group. Gakino looked inquiringly at Sano, but Sano only shrugged, confused, too. It had been a long time–almost seven years–since they’d been handled this way, arriving without really knowing what they were doing, content to be managed and directed.
A female AD jogged up to them, “Sugiyama-san has arrived. We’ll begin soon. If you could, please head over to the blue screens.”
“Where is Sugiyama-san?” Gakino heard the sound of his own voice, and didn’t wonder why the AD flinched. Something wasn’t right about this, and he was going to find out what right now.
As he walked to where the woman had pointed, he saw Sugiyama talking to the director and slowed his pace. Interrogating their manager in front of anyone else wasn’t a good idea. Sugiyama had a big ego and his need to save face wouldn’t help any. So Gakino walked politely over to the two and waited for the director to take notice and pause, looking at him.
“I apologize for the interruption. Sugiyama-san, can I have a moment of your time?”
“Yoh-kun, how can I help you?”
Gakino grit his teeth at Sugiyama’s continued use of kun. He wasn’t younger than Sugiyama, and if the man didn’t have his hands on the reins of almost everyone he loved, he would knock the little guy on his ass right now.
“I am sorry to intrude.” He repeated, bowing, taking turns to bend slightly at both Sugiyama and the director. “I have a private issue to discuss with my manager. I know you are both busy, but . . .”
Sugiyama smiled at the director, giving him a boys will be boys kind of smile and walked with Gakino over into a corner.
“What do you think you’re doing? When I’m talking to someone, you do not intrude.”
“What’s going on today?”
“A photo shoot.”
“It’s more than that. There’s enough staff here to make a movie. What are we doing?”
“Very simply, you and Sano-san are going on a “date” with some girls. We’ll be reporting that you met them during a Tenshi fan event. We’ll take some photos. Some video. Feed it to the press. The fans will eat it up.”
Although he didn’t know for sure if Eloise followed Tenshi closely enough to keep up with the rumor mill, this felt like a betrayal. He wasn’t going to spend the day holding some strange girl, pretending he loved her, when he couldn’t even talk to Eloise. He just wasn’t.
“You want me to go on staged dates? Why? I thought you didn’t want rumors about my dating getting the fans all bothered.”
“Better rumors that you’re dating different girls–especially girls who are Japanese fans–than stories saying you’re in love with just one.”
“I won’t do this.”
“You will do this.”
“I won’t.”
“You will or you’ll find that the writers and producers I’ve lined up for your next album are unfortunately having schedulin
g conflicts.”
“Don’t threaten me Sugiyama. Screwing up our next record isn’t going to help the company any.”
“Or maybe,” Sugiyama continued, as though he hadn’t heard him, “you’ll find that the costume designers, lighting techs, and stage engineers who are currently developing for the summer tour come at too dear a price for Kishimoto-san. Maybe you’ll find we’ve slashed your concert budget in half.”
“Sugiyama, I am not fucking doing this. Not. Do you hear me? So you better start thinking of a way to send all these people home.”
“Call me Sugiyama one more time and you’ll regret it. I own you. And you will sing and dance when and where I tell you. And you will smile when I tell you. That’s your job. And you better not forget it.”
Gakino reached out and pulled open Sugiyama’s suit jacket. He put his hand in the guys inner pocket, and just as he’d expected, grabbed his own phone. The snake had it on him the entire time. “Thanks,” Gakino said, smiling and waving his cell. He hadn’t smiled like this since the last time he’d seen Eloise. It felt good. “You have a nice day, Sugiyama-san.” Turning, he called out loudly, “Minna, otsukarasamadeshita.” He bowed, and walked out, whistling.
*
In the car, he scrolled through his messages as his driver took him home. They’d all been opened and read before. Dozens of them. All read by Sugiyama. He grew furious. Eloise wold have hated that. As private as she was, she would have found it agonizing that a third party had read their messages. Suddenly, a horrible thought occurred to him. Anxiously, he went to check his sent mail and was so relieved that none had been sent by his manager that he started to sweat.
Returning to his inbox, he read through Eloise’s messages. At first she’d been her typically cautious self. Daring little, even with him. Asking him only how he was and what he was doing. Then, she’d grown more worried. He knew because she was suddenly direct, wondering if he was upset that she’d left or that they’d kissed at all. At one point, in a message that twisted his insides, she’d assured him that they could just be friends if that’s what he wanted. The last week, though, Eloise had started to show her usual back bone, challenging him, yelling at him. Telling him that if he didn’t find the time to pick up a phone and call her, she would come find him and give him a piece of her mind. But then, suddenly, all the messages had stopped . . .
“She probably hates me.” And why wouldn’t she? You attack her like an animal in a KTV. Abandon her. And then ignore her for over a month. You should hate yourself.
He’d finally gotten his phone back, but he was afraid to use it. What if she didn’t pick up? What if she did, but she told him she never wanted to see him again?
He remembered the last time he’d felt like this, terrified of calling Eloise. Right after the KTV. It had been the last time he’d seen her. Instead of calling Eloise, he’d called Sano, worried that he’d messed things up for good. He’d told Sano that he’d kissed Eloise and that he’d wanted more... a lot more and that he wasn’t used to this sort of situation. But he hadn’t told Eloise.
Sano, had asked, What kind of situation is that?”
He’d answered, “One where I have no idea if she wants what I want.”
Sano asked, “And what do you want?”
“Everything,” he’d whispered back.
He rubbed his hands against his face. He didn’t feel any better even after all this time. Not really. The worst part is that he wasn’t really himself. With Eloise he kept second guessing and over-thinking and that wasn’t something he ever did. He always moved quickly, sometimes thoughtlessly, toward what he wanted. He had zero concern for risk. He wasn’t in his head. He acted, a creature of impulse. He’d tried applying logic and had fumbled all over the place. He needed to do this without thinking about it. If he got another chance, he was— He opened his phone and dialed Eloise’s number, refusing to think farther ahead. The phone rang and rang.
“Gakino?”
“Eloise. Thank you for picking up.”
“It was across the room in a drawer. It took me a while to get to it. Sorry. Well, how are you?”
“It is so good to hear your voice.”
After a small hesitation, she said, “It’s good to hear yours, too. I was starting to think that I wouldn’t. Not again. Not like this.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? Kissing me? Not kissing me again? Leaving? Not returning my calls?” Her voice trembled. She was trying to sound mad, but it wasn’t working.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, what? Are you really sorry about kissing me?”
“I’ve kind of made of mess of things, haven’t I?”
“No. We’re talking now, right? We’re fine. At least I hope we’re fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Do you regret it?”
“I don’t regret the kiss, no. You?”
“I definitely don’t regret that.” She laughed, a soft bottled sound over the phone, but he was happier hearing it. “I do regret that we spent your last night in Taiwan apart.”
He almost asked what she meant but he wasn’t going to over-analyze anymore, and he certainly wasn’t going to talk the girl to death. So he said simply, “Me, too.”
“I had started to think...well, that you wished we hadn’t... I just kept picturing that door close behind you, and... I thought . . .”
“We’ve both been thinking too much.”
“There’s no such thing.”
He laughed. He’d missed her.
“I’m serious,” she said.
“I know you are. I like that about you. I can even picture your face right now. You’ve got a great face for serious things.”
“I mean, I’m serious that it’s impossible to think too much about this stuff. For me, at least.”
“I know. That’s ok, too. You can do the thinking for both of us if you want. But I’m going to try to get us to just have some fun.”
“Some fun?”
He heard the worry in her voice.
“Eloise, how many miracles must have come together for us to talk together like this?”
“What?”
“I mean, what are the chances of this? Of you and me—of either of us ever finding the other?
“There’s not even the slightest chance, really.”
“So I just want us to enjoy this. For as long as we can.”
“And how long do you think that might be?” Her voice was high and thin.
“Do you want me to answer that seriously?”
“No, I think I’m scared to hear the answer.”
“Ok. But I don’t believe the answer will scare you. At least I hope it won’t.”
He waited, wanting her to ask for his answer.
“You shouldn’t have left,” she said finally.
“I shouldn’t have left.” He agreed.
“You should’ve called.”
“I should’ve called.”
“Next, time—”
“There’s going be a next time?” he teased, interrupting.
“There will be if you’ll let me finish.”
“Not another word. I promise.”
“Seriously. Not another word. Or I won’t get it out.”
“I promise.”
His sworn silence filled the air and still she was quiet. After a few minutes, she continued, “Next time, I want to try this your way. Fun. Not too much thinking. Just...I’m a little scared, but I am pretty sure...after the last time we...were together...I am pretty sure that my brain won’t get in the way if you just... well, you know...if you just, keeping doing what you were doing.”
“All right, Eloise. I promise.”
“Ok,” she said, her voice so soft he almost didn’t hear her.
“Eloise?”
“Yes?”
“Can I come keep my promise now? I can be on a plane in an hour. I just need to see you.”
Silence. If he didn’t know Eloise so well, he would think she’d
hung up.
“You’re thinking too much again, Eloise. Just say yes.”
“Yes,” she answered. Then the line went dead.
He smiled as he dialed up Narita airport. He would take a few days–just a few–for him and for Eloise, and then he’d come back and his brothers would help him sort everything out. Life was sweet when you knew how to enjoy it.
CHAPTER 10
They were at a coffee shop. His idea. And she felt a little more like a drama character than was comfortable. They’d talked on the phone just hours ago, and here he was. Pop Idol in a Wenxin street Starbucks. It didn’t get more surreal than this, especially after his long absence.
She had her All-Stars on and her jeans, and she felt like any other girl, and that’s what she wanted to be. But Gakino wore sunglasses and a hat. Even his curled shoulders suggested “Idol in Hiding.” As they settled in, he took off the sunglasses, but the hat remained.
“There are a lot of young girls here,” he whispered. “You never know…”
He had a canvas bag slung over his shoulder, which he rested on the floor next to the round stool he sat on.
She went to order drinks. Coffee. Coffee was western and cool. Coffee was expensive, especially from Starbucks, and most people she knew on this side of the world, drank it slowly, socially, as though each sip were significant. It wasn’t just a beverage. It was an event. Unless you were wealthy, of course. It was a status symbol, a way to show the world that you had the money and the leisure time to enjoy a cup of coffee.
She felt slightly silly, but every time she turned around, she felt more and more as though she was the heroine in a romance drama. Waiting for the their drinks, she turned around repeatedly, hoping Gakino wasn’t growing bored, but each time he was looking at her, contentedly, his torso turned and angled toward her, his body slightly awkward. He watched her twisted around like that, until he finally swung his legs out and sat at an angle to look directly at her. He just stared at her, no matter how long the line was and no matter how many times she looked over. Whenever their eyes met, he sent her a small and slightly questioning smile. She couldn’t see his eyes, not well, because of the hat, but his smile suggested he was almost as nervous as she was.
How to Date Japanese Idols (The Tenshi Series) Page 12