If Only For One Night

by Victoria Christopher Murray

  Lamar chuckled, but I didn’t. I was too deep into my thoughts and that must’ve bothered Lamar because he said, “Man, don’t listen to Reggie. This dude watched three episodes of Doctor Phil and now he’s your relationship guru. You know all that weed has punished this dude's brain. Real talk, how do you know it’s not infatuation you're feeling, like when Raven gets a new toy. You’re always joking about how she plays with her new doll all the time, taking it to bed with her and everything, but by week three, she can’t even find it anywhere in the house. Maybe Angelique is your new toy and you’re just a kid who’s never had a toy before.”

  I shook my head. “She’s not a toy.” That I knew for sure. “Listening to Reggie….”

  “Ah, man, don’t say it….”

  “She’s my soulmate.”

  “Boom!” Reggie shouted.

  Lamar slapped his hands on his legs. “Didn’t I just tell you not to say it?”

  “But I had to.” I thought for a moment. “Because I think it’s true.”

  While Reggie grinned, Lamar asked, “Okay, so what about Monica?”

  “She’s my wife,” I answered right away. “The woman I love and the one I’m supposed to be with. And I would never want to hurt her.”

  “Too late for that, bruh,” Lamar said.

  I tried to ignore that truth. “I just feel,” I began, “that Angelique was created for me.”

  “Man,” Lamar waved his hand in the air, “that’s some let-me-try-to-justify-my-cheating bull if I ever heard it,” he said. “You just trying to eat two cakes. I’m sure her husband thinks she was created just for him.”

  “Wait. Hold up. Stop everything.” Reggie moved to the edge of the bleacher. “She’s married?”

  I nodded.

  “What the hell?”

  “See,” Lamar jabbed his finger at Reggie, “this is why you didn’t need to be talking all that soulmate bull to this dude. She can’t be his soulmate when she belongs to someone else.”

  “Wow.” Reggie looked at me as if my complicated life had given him new respect for me. “This is deep. Well, all I can tell you is that what it sounds like to me….”

  “Shut up, Reggie,” Lamar interjected. “You’ve already messed up his head.”

  “Is that you,” Reggie continued anyway, “are one of the few who have found two soulmates. Now all you have to decide is which soulmate you want to live the rest of your live with.”

  And right there, the one in my crew who never felt there was anything more important in life than finding new ways to get high, had just broken down the truth. He’d just thrown my dilemma right in my face.

  We all sat there, quiet again, no kids around us since it was Tuesday night. Just a few passing cars, heading to their homes in the neighborhood.

  But in that quiet, I had to face the facts. I didn’t want to leave my wife. I loved her and she needed me. But the thing was, I didn’t want to give up Angelique either. We were on this path of something that I’d never felt before, something that I really believed could be life-changing for me and hopefully for her, too.

  But since I wasn’t Reggie and since I wasn’t in the business of hurting women, I had a decision to make. Seriously. A hard decision that had to be made now…that could not be put off for later.

  CHAPTER 23

  Angelique

  I strolled from Sheryl’s kitchen, cupping the mug of tea in my hands, feeling the warmth and loving it since every other part of me had felt so cold. It was like I couldn’t stop trembling. Hadn’t stopped since Preston had walked out on me two days ago.

  Stepping out onto the covered patio, I sat on the love seat that was part of a four-piece ensemble that made Sheryl’s outside look a lot like her living room. Tucking my feet beneath me, I sipped. And thought. The green tea was soothing, my thoughts were not.

  Sipping and thinking was all that I’d been doing since Sunday when I called Sheryl and told her I needed a place to stay.

  There was not even a moment of hesitation from my friend. All Sheryl said was, “Are you all right? “and “Do you need help packing?”

  I’d told her yes and no, then grabbed a few pair of jeans, a couple of tops and stuffed my clothes into my weekender, right next to the toiletries that I didn’t have to unpack from the weekend. Then, I made my way to Sheryl’s, but not before I left Preston a note. It had taken me a minute to decide where to leave it and I’d finally settled on his pillow:

  I’m going to Sheryl’s for a few days to give you space, to give us space. Call me when you want to talk.

  I sighed and placed the mug on the side table thinking about what I’d done after that. I’d taken my suitcase back into the car, slid inside and buckled up, put the car in reverse, when I had a thought. Really, it was more than a thought. It was a gnawing in my spirit. I’d set the car in park, jumped out, ran back inside and added: I love you to my note.

  That was the truth. No matter what was going on now, no matter what would happen next, I loved Preston.

  But then, there was Blu.

  And all the things that he’d said to me:

  A woman like you, I would shower with so much affection and attention that you wouldn’t be able to breathe.

  If I had a woman like you waiting for me at home every night….

  I wish that you were mine.

  The front door slammed, but I stayed in place, knowing that Sheryl would search for me. She didn’t have to look very hard; this was where I’d spent most of my hours once I got here on Sunday and then yesterday when I wasn’t finding solace from sleeping in her guest room.

  “Hey,” she said when she came to the edge of the patio door.

  I glanced up. “Hey.”

  She looked me up and down as if she were my psychologist and she was studying me. She said, “You took a shower, you got dressed.”

  It wasn’t a question, so I didn’t answer. It was just her observation that I was already improving since I hadn’t been able to do this much yesterday.

  She sat down in the chair across from me. “You look good.”

  “I guess that’s better than looking bad.”

  “It is.” She sighed. “You know, I still can’t believe it. I can’t believe we’re in this space.”

  I loved how she said ‘we’. She’d been using ‘we’ and ‘us’ since I’d arrived. I wasn’t even sure if Sheryl even noticed the way she spoke, but she was my girl and that was her heart telling me that I wasn’t in this alone.

  She continued, “All this time, I’ve been telling you that you needed to do something. That since Preston didn’t appreciate you, you should leave…or do something. But not this.” She shook her head. “Any decisions yet?” Before I could answer, she held up her hand. “I’m not rushing you, just want you to know that I’m here if you want to talk. Because talking is good.”

  “I know. It’s just that it’s hard to talk because then, I’ll have to think. And it’s hard for me to think when my heart hurts so much.”

  Sheryl nodded.

  “I just can’t get past how much I hurt Preston.” I closed my eyes and shook my head, though that hadn’t been enough in the last forty-eight hours. Shaking my head didn’t erase the pain on Preston’s face when I’d confirmed that I’d made love to another man.”

  “I know,” Sheryl said.

  “But what’s worse, what makes guilt burn inside of me, is that even knowing how much I’ve hurt Preston and even though I really do love him, I still long for Blu.”

  She nodded. “Have you spoken to him?”

  At first, I wasn’t sure which ‘him’ she was referring to — but then, I decided that it was the ‘him’ she knew I wanted to talk about. “No. Except for answering Blu’s text on Sunday…nothing. I took your advice, no contact while I’m trying to figure this out. No need to muddy water that’s already so dirty.” I shook my head. “This is so hard.”

  “It is hard. Because life is hard and relationships make life even tougher.” Sheryl leaned forward.
“But I want to ask you something.”

  I nodded, then braced myself for one of Sheryl’s psychological questions that always went so deep. And she didn’t disappoint. “What is it that you want, Angelique? If you could have everything that you want in this situation, not thinking about who would be hurt or how you could make it happen — what is it that you want?”

  All I could give her was silence.

  She said, “Don’t overthink it. Don’t say to yourself, ‘Oh, that will never work.’ What would be your perfect world?”

  This time, I didn’t hesitate. “ In my perfect world, I'd have them both.”

  For the first time since Sunday, I laughed. Not because of what I said, but because of Sheryl’s reaction. She almost fell out of her chair. Really. If she hadn’t grasped the arm, I was sure that she would have slipped right down onto the deck.

  “Well damn, girl,” she said, her psychologist facade gone. “I never took you for a bigamist. You’re just like a dude.”

  “No, I’m not. That’s not what I meant. I would roll them together, create one man.”

  She gave me a side-eye.

  “Look, you’re the one who asked the question. You said my perfect world.” I shrugged. “That’s what I would do.”

  “Well, I guess I should have been more specific. I meant what would you do that’s realistic?”

  I waited a moment, swung my legs off the love seat, then leaned forward, almost mimicking Sheryl. “Remember the other day when you were talking about soulmates?”

  She nodded.

  “Not only did I listen to you, but from the bottom of my heart, I think Blu is my soulmate. At least it feels that way. When you described a soulmate, you described us. You described everything that I have with Blu. And even with all the love I’ve felt for Preston, I’ve never felt this way about him.” I paused. “And just know that I’m not factoring in all the years of neglect from Preston. I’m talking about even in the beginning when Preston and I were really happy. Yes, I laughed with Preston, but when I laugh with Blu, I laugh from my soul. Yes, I talk to Preston, but when I talk to Blu, I talk to him from my soul.”

  “Wow, girl, this is deep,” she said.

  I guessed she’d never had a case like this before. “It is. That’s why I can’t understand it. I don’t get why God would introduce me to this man.”

  “I know, the timing.”

  “It’s more than the timing. It’s Blu’s wife. As much as I didn’t want to hurt Preston, Sheryl, I’m not like this. I’m not the woman who doesn’t care about other women. I’m not the woman who would go after someone else’s husband. I’m not the woman who would want to be responsible for another woman’s pain.”

  She leaned over and covered one of my hands. “It’s not like you went after him.”

  “No matter how you describe it, or define it, he’s married.”

  “But he’s unhappily married.”

  “The adverb doesn’t matter.”

  “Well…you’re married, too.”

  “That does matter. And that’s what makes this so bad. I saw Preston’s pain, so I know what Blu’s wife….” I stopped.

  She sighed. “You know, I help couples through this all day long. But when it’s right in front of your face with your friend.” She shook her head. “I don’t know, Angelique. I don’t know how to advise you.”

  “You’ve been great — letting me stay here, helping me to talk this out, encouraging me to take my time and respect the space that we all need.”

  She nodded. “But you can’t take too much time, or too much space. Decisions have to be made because of people’s emotions. Four of you are in this.”

  “Well, let’s hope it’s just three. Let’s hope that Blu’s wife didn’t find out the way Preston did.”

  She nodded. “I have another question.”

  “Oh, lawd. Haven’t we gone deep enough today?”

  “No.” Then, she continued like the head doctor that she was. “You talk about Blu as your soulmate, but…do you love him?”

  That made me pause.

  I wish that you were mine….

  “I don’t know if I can say that I love him because I haven’t known him long enough, but I believe that it wouldn’t take much to love him.”

  She shook her head as if I fascinated her and I understood. My life — I’d always felt so ordinary. I was a wife, a mother-figure to many of the girls in my foundation. I was a friend, a businesswoman, a churchgoer. What I wasn’t was an adulterer.

  Until now.

  It was sadly fascinating.

  “So, are you going to tell Blu that Preston knows?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess it depends on what it is that I decide that want. If I want to stay with Preston….”

  She held up a finger. “But he might have something to say about that.”

  “I know. To be honest, I can’t imagine Preston wanting to stay with me after this. I mean, if he had cheated on me….” Covering my face with my hands, I shook my head.

  “So, does that mean you want to be with Blu?” When I peeked at her with one eye, she added, “Never mind.” Then, she said, “But suppose Blu decides that he wants to be with you?”

  I shrugged, not really sure of that answer.

  “One of your challenges, Angelique, is that you’re waiting for these men.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Well, you are kinda sitting around wondering if Preston is going to want you back or if Blu is going to stay with his wife.” She shook her head. “I think you need to decide what you want and then make that happen. Decide what you want so that you’re the one making the decision about your life.” She held up her hand to stop my protest. “And I know what you’re going to say — you could decide that you want one and he’s the one who doesn’t want you. But at least you’ll be walking into each conversation knowing what it is that you want.”

  That made sense.

  Suddenly, Sheryl popped up from the chair.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  She waved her hand and dashed into the house.

  I shrugged, thinking that she probably had to go to the bathroom or she’d just remembered a call she had to make. I lifted my feet, tucked them back in place, and picked up my cup of tea that was lukewarm now. But I was too comfortable to get up and heat it in the microwave or make a new cup. So, I sipped the tepid tea and waited for my friend to come back and finish helping me to solve my life’s problem.

  A couple of minutes later, she did return. With a bottle of Stella Rosa and two glasses. And right away, I thought of Blu. But, I didn’t say that to Sheryl.

  “Here, this will definitely help the decision process.”

  She filled up the two glasses and then, we sipped, said nothing. Just thought.

  And, of course, all of my thoughts were ones of Blu Logan.

  CHAPTER 24

  Blu

  “I need to open a business. Lamar’s Get Right Shop.”

  My friend's hearty laugh filled the speakers in my Mustang as I turned into my driveway. I’d been driving this car since Saturday, as if I were trying to live inside the memory of that night.

  “I can’t believe this is all that we talk about, bruh,” Lamar said. “I wanna get back to our normal important conversations. Like when are the Rockets gonna finally get a team? And wouldn’t it be great if the Texans went to the Super Bowl?”

  As I turned off my car, I agreed with my friend. I longed for the days when we talked about nothing more than sports, music, and what was going on in the news. But since our pick-up game yesterday, I’d called Lamar about a dozen times, more in twenty-four hours than I’d spoken to him in a month. All because I needed to talk to someone as I was trying to figure out this maze that I called my life.

  “I’m sorry to keep calling, but I’m just trying to talk this out, make it clear in my head.”

  “Hard to be clear when you love two women.”

  “I told you, I’m not saying
that, but….”

  “Yeah, one’s your wife and the other’s your soulmate.”

  “Look, you’re the one who told me that I needed to get out. That I shouldn’t be going through all of this.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Man, is that why you’re in this situation? Because of what I said? Bruh, you need better friends ‘cause that was some bad advice.”

  This time, I laughed with him, even though my heart still ached with indecision.

  “Why’s life so complicated?” I said, finally easing out of the car.

  “Because God ain’t playing with us. He’s like, ‘if you want to get up here to heaven, you better get all your mess worked out down there, ‘cause I ain’t tolerating no drama.’”

  I chuckled because, for a moment, I could actually imagine God saying something like that, telling me to handle my business ‘cause that was what I sure needed to do.

  Stepping into the house, I listened for sounds of my family. I knew Tanner was still at school with band practice, though Raven should’ve been home. She was probably hanging out in her favorite place — her room.

  Dropping my briefcase into the kitchen, I headed to the patio; I’d check on Raven once I ended my call.

  “One thing I didn’t ask you yesterday,” Lamar began, “are you staying with Monica because of the kids?”

  I paused to really think about that. Then, “You know, that’s a good question because a few times, I thought that was a reason to stay. But sometimes, I think that’s a good reason to leave, too, and take the kids with me to get them away from her illness, like you suggested a while ago.

  “But honestly, I love my wife. I don’t love who she is now, but I know that the woman I fell in love with is still there inside of her. Beneath the depression and the medication. I just have to figure out if I can wait it out.”

  “And then, there’s Angelique,” Lamar said, bringing my complication back to me.

  “Who makes me feel — don’t laugh — warm inside.”