The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant

by John Warren

  The most important thing to remember with whole- body bondage is that it usually cannot be undone quickly. You must have some means by which you can cut the submissive free if something untoward happens.

  Self-bondage

  First, and foremost, self-bondage is dangerous. If you’ve read the sections on bondage carefully, you’ll notice I stress how important it is for a dominant to be able to free a submissive on a moment’s notice. In self bondage, this is generally difficult, if not impossible.

  The best thing is to find a dominant and have him or her tie you up. I accept that it isn’t all that easy, but please consider doing this.

  The next best thing is to limit yourself to partial immobilization. Many submissives secure only their feet and one hand. The main incentive for this is that the free hand is used for masturbation, but it is also available for getting them out of bondage in the event of a fire, break in or other emergency. Others secure only their hands and, in an emergency, could escape from their homes or apartments.

  However, I recognize that, for some, nothing but complete immobilization will do. In most cases, they use some locking device with a system to withhold the key for a certain interval. Many of these systems are extremely dangerous. One, which has appeared in more than one bondage film, is a burning candle that cuts a cord, dropping the key within reach. Unless you enjoy being helpless in a burning building, I do not recommend this approach.

  Another, less dangerous approach uses keys suspended from a string which runs through a pulley and down to the minute hand on an old CrayLab timer. When the hand approaches the zero position, the cord slips off and the keys drop from where they have been hoisted.

  A common technique is to freeze the keys into a block of ice. The keys are unavailable until the ice melts. The size of the block determines the length of the bondage, and submissives have used gallon milk containers as molds for their “bondage cubes.’

  It is possible to arrange a weak equivalent of the safeword in self bondage. Put an extra set of keys into a valued vase on a high table. The logic is that in a real emergency you won’t hesitate to knock over the table, smashing the vase and making the keys available. If you lack a Ming antique, put the spare keys in a regular jar in the middle of the living room rug and then fill it with vegetable oil. Again, knocking this over isn’t something you will do casually, but it will provide you with a set of keys when you need them.

  However, remember that you won’t be able to get your extra keys with anything like the speed with which an attentive partner can free you. Self bondage is only a choice if a trustworthy partner is not available and you feel you must be in bondage. It is not something that should be tried casually.

  Suggested Reading

  Jay Wiseman’s Erotic Bondage Handbook, Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press

  The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, Midori, Greenery Press

  Whipping

  A whip is almost the icon of the scene. Hanging from a dominant’s belt or flying through the air to land with a resounding crack on a submissive’s back, the whip, to many people, is the scene.

  Selecting a whip. Contrary to popular impressions, it is the multi-tailed cat rather than the bullwhip that is the whip of choice for most dominants. Although the bullwhip is spectacular and makes an impressive crack in the air when used properly, even a short one requires an inordinate amount of room and is very difficult to employ in such a way that does not reduce the expectant submissive (and occasionally, the novice dominant) to bloody shreds. After all, the loud, snapping sound characteristic of the bullwhip is caused when the tips travels faster than sound. It is very difficult to caress anyone with a hypersonic piece of material.

  Bullwhips are used in the scene, but their role is often restricted to that of a noisemaker and intimidation device. Using one directly on a submissive is either the mark of a highly skilled whipper or a complete fool, and the distinction is rarely in doubt for long.

  Generally, when a singletail is used in direct contact with skin, no attempt is made to crack it. Instead, the fall is drawn across the back often with a wide swinging horizontal arc or flicked against a muscled area with a flick rather than the explosive movement that creates the cracking sound.

  On the other hand, the cat whip is a tremendously versatile tool. It can deliver as stimulating a whipping as most submissives can tolerate, or it can be as soft and gentle as a baby’s touch.

  The most common material cat whips are made of is steerhide. It is relatively inexpensive and easily available. However, it can be a bit rigid and inflexible, particularly if it has not been prepared well. I and many other dominants I know prefer deerskin or moosehide. These are softer and more flexible than steerhide and have a very pleasing feel.

  Suede is an interesting material. It has a lovely texture and is very soft, but anyone using it should be aware that it has a tendency to abrade rather than cut. Only a few strokes with a suede whip will redden skin. Too much may draw blood despite a complete lack of visible cuts. Whips of this material are a good adjunct to a dominant’s kit, but I don’t think they should be used as a primary whip for extended whipping.

  Another popular material that can be deceptively harsh is horse hair. Horse hair flicks are sold in both tack and leather shops. Used lightly, horse hair are an unmatched erotic tease while with forceful blows they can be quite stimulating. However, this is another material you should watch with care because the hair’s surface is so rough that abrasion will take place during an intense whipping. This effect can be reduced somewhat by using soaking the hair in a solution made from a capful of hair conditioner to a gallon of water and allowing it to air dry. For those desiring a fashion statement, commercial hair dye can be used to make the flick match your own hair color or the color of your outfit.

  Midnight, a Boston dominant, who is an artist of the horse hair flick, says, “I use it as a warm up. It tends to redden the bottom a little faster for me. It also leaves very, very small welts so that the stings seem to last much longer. I also use it to caress.”

  Cat whips with beads or knots at the end of the tail should be avoided early on. Later, you may want one or two for special effects or as scene-enders when you want a burst of high intensity stimulation. However, they have to be watched carefully, and you can’t use them for too long. To me, that cuts into the fun.

  Although they are not technically whips, canes belong more logically in this section than in the spanking section. The canes used from a scene aren’t the sturdy supports elderly people use to get to the corner store but are, instead, light, whippy pieces of birch, rattan and bamboo so beloved by the English schoolmaster. In recent years, fiberglass and even graphite canes have made their appearance for those more interested in durability than tradition.

  Canes call for considerable care in their use and should not be used unless you are very familiar with both the specific cane and the submissive’s limits. More than one budding affair almost came a cropper over too enthusiastic application of a cane too early in a relationship. The feeling from a cane is much more intense than that from a paddle or, even, most whips, and a cane stroke, particularly where it passes over an existing welt, can draw blood.

  Returning to the traditional whip. In my opinion, the best whip for a novice is a cat whip with five to ten broad, moderately heavy tails between 12 and 18 inches long. It is a fallacy that thinner tails are less injurious. Actually, they cut and abrade the skin very easily. One of the most feared whips in my collection is a simple ring with four leather shoelaces attached to it with hitches at their midpoints, making an eight-tailed whip.

  On the other hand, a weighty, wide strip will make a satisfying splat when it hits and sting a bit but won’t cut the skin. Lighter whips also have the disadvantage of making the dominant work harder.

  Suggested Reading

  Toybag Guide to Canes and Caning, Janet W. Hardy, Greenery Press

  Flogging, Joseph Bean, Greenery Press

  Using a whip. There
are several standard techniques for using a whip. The standard stroke comes largely from the muscles in the back and arm. The motion is much like a child would use spreading on paint with a paintbrush. Because several of the body’s major muscles are involved, it can be quite a powerful stroke. It is generally delivered diagonally, but it can be delivered at anything from zero to ninety degrees from the vertical.

  The sling-shot stroke is more precise. The handle of the whip is held away from the body in one hand and the ends of the tails are held close to the face in the other. The handle is moved farther away until a degree of tension is built up in the tails. When the tension feels right, the tails are released and the handle is moved toward the submissive with a snap. Just before the tails strike, the handle is jerked back. With a little practice, a whipper can become quite accurate with this motion. However, the impact is deceptive. It is considerably harder than it seems, so careful monitoring is advisable.

  While the sling shot stroke is best for accuracy, the spin provides the most continuous stimulation. The whip is held by the end of its handle or by its handle lanyard, if it has one, and is spun like a biblical sling. If this is used on the breasts, you should place your hand under the submissive’s chin and lift the head up and back. This not only moves the vulnerable face out of primary danger but if the strokes are hitting too high you will feel them on your hand before any damage is done.

  It should be obvious, but I think I should point out that the whipping area should be well lighted. To have the kind of control you need, you have to be able to see what you are doing. If you want darkness for dramatic effect, use a spotlight to illuminate the submissive and leave the rest of the room dark.

  The secret to a satisfactory and safe whipping is to hit only fleshy muscled meat. You don’t want to hit skin that is tightly pulled over a bone nor do you want to hit any place where internal organs are close to the surface. The primary safe zones are from below the shoulders to above the lower middle of the back (not including the spine), below the upper curve of the buttock to above the knees. These are places where a moderate whipping is unlikely to do any permanent damage. The biceps and the back muscle of the lower legs are also acceptable targets. Extreme danger zones are kidneys, spine, joints, hands and feet. When whipping the upper back, avoid letting the whip hit inside the arm pit. There is a nerve junction there that is quite vulnerable. Naturally, these danger area apply when something other than a whip, like a strap or cane, are being used. In these areas, you have to be very careful that the ends of a whip don’t wrap around the body and hit there.

  Other portions of the body, including cocks, balls, breasts and pussies, can be whipped. However, even more intense monitoring of the submissive’s reactions must be maintained when you are stimulating these areas. For best results, a whip with six- to twelve-inch tails should be used for these areas. The shorter tail gives better control and allows you to concentrate the stimulation on the intended area rather than having it spread about.

  As a personal idiosyncrasy, I tend to prefer to stimulate the genitals with a short strap or a riding crop. However, that is something that is completely personal. There is nothing wrong with a carefully and lovingly applied whip here.

  Whipping should always begin slowly so that you can increase the intensity as the excitement builds. Even submissives who insist, “I’m not into whipping,” can get quite turned on by a gentle introduction followed by a slow escalation. That is where the soft, heavy whips come into their own.

  For example, one technique would be to first require the submissive to kiss the whip you are going to use. Then, tie his or her hands to an overhead hook, stand behind the submissive and just drape the whip over his or her shoulder and then slowly pull it back. The sensation of the soft leather mixed with the knowledge of what is coming next is almost impossible to stand. Next, very leisurely, lightly whip the back with a standard diagonal stroke and, slowly walking around the vertical body, whip the sides and front. Don’t work at it, just flick the tails on to the skin. If you are hitting hard enough to tear a sheet of newsprint, you are hitting too hard. At this stage, don’t worry about safe zones because you can’t do any damage in any case. Obviously, the head and face are never legitimate targets, but the entire rest of the body is fair game.

  Now, you can step up both the timing and the intensity of the strokes. One per second would be about right. At this point you are at a place where the spot you are whipping is becoming important. For the rest of the session, do not allow your whip to strike in any of the danger zones.

  places to avoid whipping

  Watch the marks left by the whip. Do only the amount of damage you are comfortable with. As you judge it appropriate, increase both the tempo and the force of the strokes. Stop every once in a while to stroke the submissive with the whip, a hand or a piece of fur. Genital stimulation short of orgasm is appropriate here. However, the recess should not be longer than a minute or there is a danger you could lose the plateau that you have built.

  Canes should only be used full force on the thickly muscled buttocks and thighs. However, they can be used lightly on the chest and upper back. In any case, you should remember that the cane is flexible, and for best results, you should use the flex instead of fighting it as some novices do.

  All caning should be done with the end of the cane beyond the submissive. Allowing the tip to hit skin is both bad form and likely to cause cuts and deep bruises.

  Genital shaving. While shaving of and by itself isn’t limited to BDSM, it often figures into scenes, and shaven genitalia have a special attraction to some people. Dominants often view them as symbols of possession, and submissives remark on how the “special, intimate” nakedness reminds them of their status.

  As with so many other activities, success is often more a matter of preparation and follow-through than the actual execution. Many people who have tried genital shaving have been put off by the appearance of ugly red spots and itching and burning after the initial shave. While even intense stimulation during the scene can be an erotic turn on, stimulation that appears hours later and continues for days is just annoying.

  However, this unfortunate side effect of shaving can be minimized by a few simple procedures. Trim the hair as short as possible with scissors or a clipper. The less tangle the razor has to deal with the more smoothly it will cut. Steam the remaining hair with a towel soaked in hot water. This will both soften the hair and partially clean the skin.

  Use shaving cream or shaving gel and a slightly used razor. This is very tender skin, and I have found that a razor which has been used once before is less likely to scrape than a brand new one. An electric razor, particularly one of those battery-driven units that is designed for use on a wet surface, can also be used.

  Once the hair has been removed, wash the area with a mild soap and apply an antiseptic lotion. Although it has an unattractive color, betadine is an excellent choice for this. The red marks are often caused by minor infections in nicks in the skin. By killing the bacteria on the skin’s surface, you are reducing the chances of such an infection. For this reason, the area should be cleaned regularly with a mild antiseptic. Four or five times a day during the first three days would not be excessive.

  Regardless of the appearance of red marks, you should plan on shaving the submissive daily for at least four days or he or she should be instructed to shave each day during that period. Eventually, the red marks should disappear.

  Naturally, the shaving can be made part of the ritual of a scene. Bind the submissive for maximum exposure and work slowly and carefully. An alternative approach is to have him or her kneel before you and do the shaving without assistance.

  A straight razor makes an interesting prop, but requires a high degree of skill to use. Novice barbers train by scraping shaving cream off inflated balloons. Once you are capable of doing this without bursting the balloon, you should practice on your own body before exposing your submissive to your nascent skills. Also keep in mind tha
t, regardless of your skills, if the submissive is incapable of remaining absolutely still, the razor can inflict serious injuries from the slightest twitch.

  A safer and easier approach might be to conspicuously sharpen the straight razor while the submissive watches, and then blindfolding him or her, after which, you put aside the straight razor and use a conventional safety razor for the actual shaving.

  Pony play. Pony play combines elements of bondage, display, control and service to create a unique kink that is enjoyed by a very active subgroup within the BDSM community. Basically, in pony play, and other kinds of animal play, the submissive takes the role of a pony and is used and presented as such. Pony play can include sophisticated, lovely and expensive rigs, including harnesses, saddles, bridles and even carts. The pony can carry or pull the dominant or can be put through elaborate movements guided by the signals of either a mounted rider or dismounted trainer, or the submissive can take part in races modeled after the various forms of horse racing in the vanilla world.

  Pony play can be an exclusively private-play activity, but because of the strong exhibitionistic component, it usually leads to public play either at parties or at events organized by aficionados of this lovely kink.

  Like much of BDSM, the attraction to this activity is in the soul. However, it would be hard for the most insensible individual to look at the sheer joy radiating from a pony girl going through her paces and not recognize the unmitigated hedonism, the release and the joy that is coursing through her.

  Many people have been drawn to pony play after reading the Beauty series, a trilogy written by Anne Rice, under the pseudonym of A.N. Roquelaure. In these books, the sexual slaves are set to pulling riding carts for the enjoyment of the masters and mistresses of the castle.

  Many submissive men and some women prefer to be mounted rather than using pull carts. The feel of a rider on his or her back lends an intimacy that is lacking when the dominant is some feet behind in a sulky-type cart. Many of these people use specially designed saddles that allow them to stand upright with the rider’s hips level and behind their shoulders. In this position, they can carry a surprising amount of weight. Except in the pornographic videos, one rarely sees a human pony carrying anyone while on all fours. The spine simply is not designed for this activity. When it happens, the rider either sits on the shoulders with his or her legs on either side of the pony’s neck or on the arse with the legs near the waist. In any case, this kind of prone-carry should not be done for very long.