by Tamie Dearen
“A mistake? Of course that’s how you felt about it. And you probably don’t even realize you told me you loved me.” The air felt cool on her damp cheeks.
She remembered the first time she’d heard those fateful words... I love you. His name was Rider. She’d been fourteen and completely devoted. Yet, after she’d given herself, he took back his oath of love. He claimed she’d seduced him, planning to trap him into marriage, an accusation that was largely true. He called her every name in the book, but the term “slut” was the one that had stuck in her mind for the past ten years. The fact her father often used the same term only reinforced it.
So, at the tender age of fourteen, armed with her newfound knowledge and distrust of men, Shara pledged never to marry a man unless he professed his love when there was no possible gain for him. She wouldn’t believe it unless he spoke the words, without prompting, from his heart. She swore never again to believe that declaration from a man in the heat of passion. Yet James’ assertion had seemed so sincere, she allowed herself to hope. Mistake number one.
James stabbed his fingers through his hair until it stood up in disarray, somehow making him even more attractive. She wished she had a sack to throw over his head.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Shara.”
Her stomach churned. She couldn’t stay angry with him. Like all men, he couldn’t help what he’d done—men had needs.
“Whatever.” She pivoted, ready to stomp back into the dining room, when he grabbed her arm. She snatched it away before he could notice how his touch affected her.
“I’m trying to say the right thing here. I only called it a mistake because we said we weren’t going to get that physical.”
You were to blame. You tempted him. You shouldn’t have worn that low-cut blouse. You’re pathetic. The condemning voice whispered in her ear, reminding her of her guilt. Bible study or not, she was still the same vile creature she’d always been. She had to let James go, no matter what he said. She couldn’t bear to drag him to hell with her.
A series of whining yelps signaled the puppy had awakened from his short nap, a perfect excuse to escape. “I need to see about Runt.” With a swipe of her sleeve to dry her cheeks, she hurried back to the family room.
JAMES WATCHED SHARA from the corner of his eye during dinner. He enjoyed the brief moments she seemed to forget her worries, a smile blooming on her face.
“Noelle, I can’t believe you used to hate Christmas.” Shara made a sweeping gesture with her arm. “There must be four fully-decorated Christmas trees in this house.”
“Five,” David corrected, with a grin. “I should know—I had to help decorate them.”
“All you had to do was string the lights,” Noelle corrected. “I put all the garlands and ornaments on.”
“It’s possible my wife went a little bit overboard this year, but she was making up for lost time.” David leaned in and kissed her cheek.
“What about you, Shara?” Noelle asked. “Do you like Christmas?”
“To be honest, my favorite holiday is New Year’s Eve. No pressure, new beginnings, and best of all... fireworks.”
James made mental note that she loved fireworks. Maybe he could take her out on New Year’s Eve. He watched as she laughed and joined in the chatter while nibbling at her food. There was sadness in her eyes, as if her pleasant expressions were only pretense. Though her responses in the kitchen had been rife with anger, James suspected insecurity made up the base of her emotions. He hadn’t learned much about her childhood in the ten months they dated, but he suspected there were more issues in her past than a father who was “occasionally drunk,” as she’d explained it.
Her sad look disappeared, however, when she interacted with the lively puppy on her lap, who seemed intent on conquering the table like the peak of Mt. Everest.
“We should name him Fluff, or Powder Puff,” Shara suggested.
“No way. We’re not giving him a sissy girl’s name.” James stretched his hands across the table. “I believe it’s my turn to hold Brutus.”
“Brutus sounds like a villain.” She stood and handed the dog across the table, albeit wearing a reluctant expression. The pup immediately tried his razor-sharp teeth on James’ thumb.
“Youch!” He pulled his hand away. “Maybe we should call him Edward Scissor-Teeth.”
“I don’t think so.” Noelle laughed. “But it might be fun to go with a name from a movie. Someone big and strong. Maybe a superhero.”
“Like Thor?” David suggested.
“Thor is blond,” Shara objected. “Maybe Black Widow, if we want to go with The Avengers.”
“Black Widow is a girl’s name.” James rubbed the pup’s soft fur. “Maybe Sirius?”
“Or Hagrid,” said Shara.
Surprised that Shara knew the names of all these characters, James decided to test her a bit. “Maybe Dominic.”
“Who’s Dominic?” asked Noelle.
“The guy from Fast and Furious,” Shara answered, twisting her mouth to the side as her brows folded. “I don’t know. The puppy has a lot of hair, and Dominic is bald.”
At her comment, James was more in love than ever. And more determined to win her back.
“What about Fezzik?” Shara suggested.
“Fezzik?” Noelle frowned. “Is that someone else from Fast and Furious?”
“No, Fezzik is the giant from Princess Bride.” James couldn’t stop grinning. “I can’t believe you know his name, Shara. You’re so awesome.”
She looked away, her cheeks flushed.
“You could call him Fez for short,” David suggested.
“Fez. I like it way better than Runt.” The pup began to wriggle in earnest, and James fought to keep him in his lap. Suddenly, his leg felt warm. “Noooooo!” James leapt to his feet, knocking his chair over backwards. “He peed on me!”
Everyone laughed, including Shara, which warmed his heart. He would let this dog urinate on his leg every day, if that’s what it took to make her happy.
Noelle said, “He got me at the shelter. Maybe you should call him Wiz instead of Fez.”
“I like Fez,” Shara declared.
And just like that, Runt became Fezzik.
Chapter Four
For once, Shara was glad she lived in her tiny basement apartment. At least the thick cinder-block construction blocked the sound of Fezzik’s pitiful cries from the neighbors. But nothing kept the sound from her own ears. Even with earplugs and her sound machine, the puppy’s wailing kept her awake most of the night. She moved his bed beside hers and draped her hand down, rubbing his head to comfort him, and this seemed to work only for as long as her hand continued to move. The second she fell asleep, however, he renewed his ear-piercing howls. Near morning, she relented out of desperation and tucked him in bed with her. Fez immediately burrowed beside her and fell into a contented sleep.
Two hours later, her alarm went off. She dragged herself out of bed, while Fezzik dozed in peaceful oblivion.
“You have no idea how lucky you are to be so cute,” she mumbled. “Because otherwise, your life would be in grave danger.”
With her head a bit woozy from lack of sleep, her stomach also felt unsettled. She ate a few bites of cereal, but it only made her belly churn more. She hurried to the bathroom and threw up, after which her gut seemed to settle a bit. She couldn’t help glancing at her stomach’s profile in the mirror, noting it wasn’t quite as flat as she liked. She put the thought out of her mind until an hour later, when she arrived at Noelle’s house with Fez.
“You look terrible.” Noelle chuckled when she opened the door and took Fezzik from her overburdened arms and ushered her in from the cold.
“I know. I’ve gained weight.” The words slipped out of her mouth before she had a chance to think. She cringed as she watched Noelle’s smile fade.
“I was referring to the fact you clearly didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“Oh, right... Fez cried a lot, so I slept ab
out two hours. I tried to cover up the bags under my eyes.”
“Shara, are you still seeing that counselor? The one who helped with your eating disorder?” She looked as uncomfortable as Shara felt.
“My insurance benefits ran out, so I can’t see the counselor until January.” Though she was embarrassed, it was a relief to admit it to someone. “I’m actually struggling a little bit.”
“I’m sorry.” Noelle chewed on her lip as she glanced at Fez, who’d fallen back asleep in Shara’s arms. “Do you think adopting the puppy is making it worse? I hate to think the extra stress is contributing. Maybe it was a bad idea.”
“Once I get him trained to sleep at night, he’ll be good for me. Since you’re letting him stay with Abby while we’re at work, I won’t be worried about him at home alone. Really appreciate it.”
“It’s the best of both worlds for me. I was already in love with him, but David wasn’t interested in adopting another dog when we have a baby coming. I’m sure Abby will love having company during the day.” She carried Fezzik to a folding gate and stepped over into the tiled kitchen, where the Golden Retriever sat, wagging her tail. “Put his bed over there by the window. He’ll love being in the sunlight.”
When Fez was snoozing in the warmth of the sun’s rays, Noelle twisted her fingers together, sporting an I’m-feeling-awkward expression. “Shara, what can I do to help you with... you know... your eating thing?”
“It might help to have someone to talk to.”
Noelle’s eyes widened in terror. “I don’t mind listening, but I wouldn’t know how to respond. What if I gave the wrong advice and made it worse?”
“I don’t really need advice. Honestly, I need someone who cares enough to hold me accountable. When it gets bad, I have a tendency to hide it from everyone, and I’m really good at it.”
Her expression softened and she put her hand on Shara’s arm, giving her a gentle squeeze. “I can do that, Shara. I really do care about you, and so does...” She coughed before adding, “David.”
“You were going to say, James, weren’t you?”
Her brows arched and her lips made an O. “Yes, but I didn’t say it. Bad time to upset you.”
“You can say his name—I won’t fall apart. But I can’t talk to him about this.”
“I get it.” Noelle tucked her cell phone in her purse.
“To be honest, I’d almost gotten used to having a little meat on my bones for the first time in a lot of years.” Shara gave a little shiver, remembering how thick her profile appeared in the mirror.
Noelle glanced at the clock. “Oh, we’re going to be late. We’d better hurry.”
Since they’d decided to ride to work together when Fez stayed at Noelle’s house, Shara followed her and slipped into the passenger seat.
Noelle backed out and started toward the office. “Do you think the counseling sessions helped at all?”
“The counseling helped. A lot. And it helps to have friends like you. Most people judge me instead of trying to understand.”
“That makes me feel good.”
The car was quiet for a few minutes. Noelle seemed to be as lost in thought as she was. She had to admit James had been instrumental in helping her deal with her issues, even though she’d never opened up about her past. Somehow he knew she wasn’t ready to expose those old wounds, still raw, after all these years.
Noelle spoke again. “What should I say or not say? How can I hold you accountable without making you feel judged? Tell me what to do.”
“I don’t know—just be yourself.” Shara closed her eyes and rested her head against the seat, wishing she had time for a nap. “I wish you could come up with something I can eat that wouldn’t make me feel queasy. I know it’s psychological, but it sure feels real.”
“I have something that’s helped me with morning sickness. It might not help you, but it’s worth a try.” Noelle dug in her purse, pulled out a baggie with a wedge of lemon, and handed it to Shara.
“What am I supposed to do with this?”
“Whenever you feel nauseated, open the bag and take a whiff. You can lick it or suck on it. It’s been a life-saver for me.”
Shara unzipped the bag and stuck her nose inside, breathing deeply. The smell was sharp, making her eyes water, but she noticed an immediate improvement. “Do you have another one with you?”
“No, I don’t need it anymore. I kind of got hooked on them. Don’t tell Dr. Madison, because sucking on lemons is bad for your enamel. But it helped a lot back when I had morning sickness.”
“Thanks. I’ll give it a shot.”
She stopped to thank God for Noelle, one of the best friends she’d ever known. I wonder why God is bothering to help me when I’ve already given up on being a Christian. Maybe He’s doing it because He loves Noelle. What will happen if I make her mad, and she doesn’t want to be my friend? At an abrupt surge of queasiness, she took another whiff of lemon. I hope I never find out.
THE FIRST WEEK OF SHARED puppy custody passed by, one painfully slow second after another. The contentment James had hoped for never came. Instead of relaxing in the knowledge he would see Shara in a week to exchange Fezzik, he thought about her every minute of the day, to the point of distraction.
At last it was Friday, the agreed-upon swap day, which had given Shara an extra night with Fez the first week. James didn’t mind losing a day, since his main motivation wasn’t winning the contest and gaining the dog. He wanted to win Shara back. Not that he didn’t think Fezzik was about the coolest pup he’d ever seen and perfectly suited for the winters in Denver, but getting back together with Shara meant he could have both.
He daydreamed in the team-leader meeting, which had gone on way too long for his liking, until he felt an elbow in his side. He looked up from the notepad where he’d been doodling to find twelve pairs of eyes aimed at him, as an eerie silence fell on the room. He felt the blood drain from his face when he realized Gerard Holiday, the president of Holiday, Inc., must have asked him a question.
“Don’t pretend to be shy, James.” His brother, the elbow’s owner, came to his rescue. “You’ve been bragging for weeks about how you hooked the EZ-Wear account and the potential for client referrals. You might as well tell the story one more time.”
He swallowed, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth, and cleared his throat. “It’s true, I’ve probably told everyone in the room about signing EZ-Wear, but I didn’t give all the details. For instance, the contract automatically renews in a year, but has an easy upgrade clause if they decide they want custom software. And my people are already working on adapting a program we used for the Farmington Corporation.”
When murmurs of approval filled the room, James almost fainted with relief. At least he wasn’t going to lose his job. He risked a glance at Gerard Holiday, whose pursed lips and narrowed eyes indicated he wasn’t fooled. Well... hopefully, he wouldn’t lose his job. He managed to pay attention for the rest of the meeting, though he avoided making eye contact with Gerard.
“What’s up with you, today?” David herded him out of the room and down the hall after the meeting, well ahead of the men who lingered to speak with Mr. Holiday. “I pulled your fat out of the fire twice today.”
“Twice?”
“Yes, twice. The first time you didn’t even notice. The question was more indirect, although I’m sure Gerard meant it for you. But the next time, he called you by name, so there was nothing I could do but jab your ribs and pray for the best.”
“Do you think I got away with it?”
David’s lips pulled down in a grim line as he gazed over James’ shoulder. “You’ll soon find out. He’s on his way over here.”
“Wait! Don’t desert me!” James grabbed his brother’s arm. “What should I tell him?”
He jerked his arm away. “I suggest the truth.”
The truth? What am I supposed to say? I wasn’t paying attention because I can’t stop thinking about this girl?
; A hand came down on his shoulder, squeezing hard enough to be uncomfortable. “James, let’s have a chat in my office.”
JAMES FELT BEADS OF sweat trickling down his back. He couldn’t believe he’d spilled his guts to the president of the company, even if that man was also his brother’s father-in-law. Well, he almost spilled his guts. He left out the part about sleeping with Shara—he wouldn’t make that mistake again. But once he started talking, the whole story came spurting out like a popped balloon.
Gerard had listened with focused intensity, brows furrowed, chin resting on his folded hands, elbows on his desk. Now he tapped his fingertips together in some random rhythm, eyes closed in thought. At long last, he sat back, crossing his arms over his chest.
“James, you’re fried.”
His heart flipped over inside his chest. “I’m fired?”
“No, you’re not fired. You’re fried. Your brain has been short-circuited. Love will do that to you.”
“Oh... uhmm... okay.” Smart response. Way to prove him right.
“Now, you mentioned the two of you were attending a Bible study. Can I assume you’re a believer, like your brother?”
“Yeah, mostly. I mean, I was working on it—going to church and everything—up until Shara broke up with me.”
Gerald’s eyes squeezed shut, and he gave an audible groan, shaking his head. “James, do you love this girl?”
He debated how to answer, since his last response hadn’t pleased his audience. “I think I love Shara, but I’ve never been in love before.”
“Do you think she deserves the best possible husband?”
“Husband?” He choked on the word. “I didn’t actually say I wanted to get married. At least, not right now.”
“This isn’t about you, James. It’s about her. I’m going to ask you again... do you think Shara deserves the best possible husband? One who will love her the way Jesus loved the church? One who’s willing to lay down his life for her?”