Shara's Happy New-foundland Year

by Tamie Dearen

  “That’s so unfair.” He mocked outrage. “If I go first you have to promise not to laugh.”

  “Deal. And you have to promise the same.”

  “Let’s go sit on the couch,” James suggested, guiding her to the living area with his hand on the small of her back.

  “Good idea,” Shara replied. “My knees are shaking.”

  “Okay,” he replied, omitting the fact his own knees felt wobbly as well.

  He rubbed his damp palms on his jeans before enveloping her delicate hands between his. “What should I say?”

  “I don’t know. This was your idea.”

  His pulse sounded inside his ears. How could he pray to God, when he’d spent the majority of his life refuting everything about Christianity? Even now, he had doubts. And though David insisted God wasn’t vindictive—that His rules were only there to protect His children—James felt even more awkward trying to pray, as if nothing had happened between Shara and him. Why did I think this was a good plan?

  “I’m not sure how to start.” His lips were sticking to his dry gums.

  She must’ve taken pity on him, because she said, “Okay, I’ll go first.”

  “Thank you, so much. I owe you big time.” He wanted to kiss her out of gratitude, but he squeezed her hands instead. With his eyes shut tight, he waited for her to start, hoping he could follow her lead when it was his turn.

  He sensed her fingers trembling as she spoke in a low voice, “Dear God. It’s me, again. I’m here with James. I guess I don’t know what we need. We’ve both been struggling a bit and kind of dropped out of church and stuff, but I think we might both like to try again.”

  He felt a tug on his hand and opened his eyes to find her round blue orbs burning a question into his. “Is that right? Are we both going to try following Jesus again? Because if we’re not, I’m not sure why we’re even praying.”

  “I guess that’s fair.” What had he gotten himself into?,

  She nodded, bowing her head again, and he followed suit. “And God, You know about my... health issues. I have a lot on my plate, maybe more than I can handle on my own. I feel like I’m sinking right now. I know it’s my own fault, so I’m not blaming You or anything. But if You could kind of throw me a life jacket, I’d really appreciate it.”

  He waited for an Amen, but it never came. Instead, she tightened her fingers around his and said, “Now you go.”

  James realized he couldn’t simply copy Shara or say some words that sounded like what David would’ve said. He had to set things right with God before he did anything else.

  “Uhmm... God, I told You I was going to follow Jesus. I tried pretty hard, but I messed up big time. David said You would forgive me, so I hope that’s true. I hope You won’t hold it against Shara, because it wasn’t her fault that we went too far that night. So if You’re going to be mad at anyone, You should be mad at me.”

  “That’s not true,” Shara jerked her hands away. “It was as much my fault as yours—actually more, since you’re a man and you can’t help it.”

  “Who told you that?” Prayers forgotten, he studied her expression, searching for the truth. Was this why she’d cut him off? Had she been blaming herself all this time?

  “I understand men. You have needs. It’s always the woman’s responsibility to give the green light or the red light. I’ve known that since I was fourteen.”

  She gasped, dropping her gaze to her lap and clamping her mouth shut. He knew by her frigid body language this was a sensitive subject. Yet, if he could get her to open up, they might attain the intimacy he so desperately sought.

  “Shara?” He placed a tentative hand over hers. “What happened when you were fourteen?”

  She tucked a strand of silky blond hair behind her ear. “It was no big deal. It was just my first time to... you know. I was almost fifteen, so I wasn’t all that young. And most of my friends had already had sex.”

  He gentled his tone of voice. “I’m not judging you. I was about the same age my first time.” Her stiff demeanor told him she hadn’t divulged the whole story. “Did something bad happen? Did it hurt?”

  Her shoulders lifted and dropped. “It wasn’t too bad. Only the guy was kind of mad afterwards.”

  “Why would he be mad?”

  “I didn’t understand about guys... you know... how they can’t control themselves because of the sex hormones. I made him want it, and then I made him promise to marry me before I let him have it.”

  “So he lied to have sex with you? I don’t get why that would make him angry. After all, he got what he wanted, right? You were the one who got hurt.”

  “He was mad because the next day, I had a fight with Dad and told him I was moving out. I told him Rider and I were getting married. Dad was his boss on the construction road crew, and he fired him. I only talked to Rider one time after that, but after he cussed me out, he told me how it works with guys.”

  “Wait... your dad got him fired? How old was this dude?”

  “Twenty,” she whispered, ducking her head. “But I honestly thought I was in love with him, even though he was six years older.”

  A bomb exploded between James’ ears. “Twenty years old? He was twenty years old? And you were fourteen? He raped you, Shara. He should be in prison right now.”

  “Dad threatened to press charges, and Rider paid him fifteen hundred dollars if we kept quiet. It was supposed to be part of my college fund, but I guess Dad drank it away.”

  “I can’t believe it. That’s horrible.” James tried to imagine how Shara endured so much. At once, it was clear why she’d become obsessed with food and her weight. There was so little in her life over which she had any control.

  “It never would’ve happened if I hadn’t seduced him.”

  The words came out in a monotone, with no emotion, but he knew she was bleeding on the inside. James sent up a silent, frantic prayer, the most sincere he’d ever thought, that God would help him say the right thing.

  “I’m so sorry that happened to you, but you were nothing but an innocent victim, Shara.”

  When she shook her head, her expression held only disbelief. “I knew exactly what I was doing. I would’ve done anything to get away from Dad, at the time. I tricked Rider into sleeping with me.”

  “Shara, he told you a lot of lies. One of them is that guys can’t control themselves.”

  “You have different hormones from girls.”

  “Yes, but that’s no excuse. We’re as capable of putting on the brakes as any girl. Granted, we don’t like stopping once we’re headed that direction, but we can. Any time. No matter what.”

  “James, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but—”

  “Let me say something.” He twisted to face her more squarely, waiting until her eyes locked with his. “That night when you and I slept together, I could’ve stopped any time. I talked myself out of stopping because I wasn’t as committed to God as you were. I secretly thought His rule about sex before marriage was stupid, so I was pushing your boundaries, hoping you would change your mind.”

  “Still, I—”

  He put a finger on her lips to silence her. “I’m not finished. You need to hear me out.” He took a deep breath. “I thought it was a stupid rule because I believed two people having sex couldn’t possibly hurt anyone. I was wrong. Dead wrong. My decision hurt you.” His throat cramped like he was trying to swallow a rock. “I’m so sorry. So very sorry. Will you forgive me?”

  “I forgive you, James. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  He could tell she still didn’t buy anything he said. He picked up her hands and lifted them to his mouth, pressing his lips on the backs of her fingers.

  “You are a precious treasure. You should be treated with utmost respect, and I failed to show you that.”

  Her head was shaking no the entire time. Filled to overflowing with intense fury at her father, Rider, and every other person who’d made her feel she had no worth, including himself
, he needed to expend some energy. He leapt to his feet. When she flinched at his sudden movement, the implications made him even more livid.

  He paced in front of the couch, moving almost wall to wall in the tiny apartment. Once again Gerard Holiday’s challenge came to mind, questioning what kind of husband Shara needed. At once, the answer clicked into place. No one could love her like he did. He would gladly give up his life for her, as Mr. Holiday had asked. If she deserved a devoted Christ-follower, he was willing to change... to become the man she needed.

  With sudden inspiration, he dropped to his knee in front of her, smiling at her wide-eyed expression.

  “Shara... will you marry me?”

  Her jaw worked, but no words emerged. She swallowed hard and cleared her throat, probably fighting back tears of joy. He held his breath, awaiting her answer.

  “Absolutely not.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  “He asked you to marry him?” Noelle’s jaw was practically in her lap.

  “And you turned him down?” Dr. Madison’s tone left no question of her disapproval.

  “I had to.” Shara tried to explain without revealing too much about her painful life experiences. Reliving the past had sunk her so deep in depression she’d barely eaten the entire weekend. “I’m not going to marry some guy who only asked me because he feels sorry for me.”

  “I’m guessing you still haven’t told him about the baby.” Dr. Madison’s brows drew together, that scary face lurking beneath the surface.

  “I was going to tell him. I really was.” Shara lowered her voice as she glanced at the door to the private office, wishing it were closed. “But we had that big fight at the museum, and then I turned down his proposal. I never had a good opportunity to throw out, “Hey! Guess what... you’re going to be a dad!’”

  “That explains why he was so quiet when he came by to pick up Fezzik,” Noelle commented.

  “Who’s Fezzik?” ask Dr. Madison.

  “Their puppy,” Noelle explained. “They have joint custody until January first. Then whoever proves to be the best owner gets the puppy.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Dr. Madison arched her left eyebrow.

  “The important thing to remember here,” Shara interrupted, “is I made the mistake of spilling my guts about my past, and now he sees me as a charity case, instead of a woman.”

  “I highly doubt that,” said Dr. Madison, as her fingers drummed on the desk. “The man is obviously in love with you.”

  “You don’t know anything about him,” Shara argued. “You’ve only seen him in the dental chair.”

  “I’m saying no guy in his right mind would propose to a girl because he feels sorry for her.” Her expression brooked no argument, so Shara kept her mouth shut. “He might offer to buy her a bowl of soup or a sweater, but he won’t offer to spend the rest of his life with her.”

  “I have to agree with her,” Noelle said. “I think he’s totally in love with you.”

  Though she tried to stop it, two fat tears welled in Shara’s eyes and rolled down her cheeks. “He isn’t. I’m positive he isn’t.”

  “How do you know?” Noelle put on her I-don’t-believe-you face, the one she wore when people claimed to floss twice a day.

  Since Shara’s heart was hopelessly lost to James, she wished she’d been wrong about his true feelings, but she knew better. “I know because in all the times he’s talked to me, all the opportunities he’s had, he only told me he loved me one time—right before we slept together.”

  “He never mentioned it at all?” Dr. Madison inclined her head. “Not even when he asked you to marry him?”

  Shara shook her head, unable to speak for the lump in her throat.

  “That doesn’t mean anything,” Noelle protested. “He’s a guy. They never say the right thing. I bet, if I talk to him—”

  “No! You can’t tell him!”

  When both women stared at her with their mouths and eyes open wide, Shara realized she’d raised her voice a bit. Okay, maybe a lot.

  “That’s my test,” she explained. “I promised myself I wouldn’t marry a guy unless he tells me he loves me just because he loves me. It doesn’t count if he’s doing it because he wants something—sex or anything else. And it doesn’t count if someone tells him what to say either, because that means it isn’t real.”

  “But, Shara,” Noelle rolled her eyes in her head, “sometimes guys feel it, but don’t know it. Or they know it, but they’re too awkward to say it. You know as well as I do the entire male species is emotionally challenged.”

  “True,” Dr. Madison remarked. “I think if every woman in the world had your rule, only one in a hundred men would ever get married.”

  “Not every guy is incapable of recognizing or expressing his feelings,” Shara argued. “David said it to you, Noelle. Right out in the snow in front of your apartment.” Shara heaved a heartfelt sigh, pressing her hand over her heart. “It was so sweet and romantic.”

  “However...” Noelle held up a finger. “He didn’t say those words until after he talked to my brother-in-law, who told David I was in love with him.”

  “Reece told David what to say?” Shara asked.

  “No, but he gave David the heads-up about my feelings. We might still be dating, otherwise. He never would’ve had the guts to say I love you before he knew I felt the same way.”

  “I can’t believe that.” Shara edged toward the doorway to check for eavesdroppers and found the hallway clear. “That sounds like middle-school.”

  Dr. Madison cackled with laughter. “I’d say that about sums it up for most men. They have the emotional maturity of middle-schoolers.”

  Noelle giggled. “You know, if I ever overheard men sitting around talking about us women like this, I’d probably kill ‘em.”

  Dr. Madison leaned forward with a serious expression and whispered. “Don’t worry... I’d help you hide the bodies.”

  JAMES DIDN’T EVEN REMEMBER the drive to his brother’s house to pick up Fez. He’d done it on autopilot. His mind was reeling after the phone call he just had. Weber and Weber International had as much as offered him a job starting in January. He’d applied on a whim after Shara broke up with him, never dreaming his application would get more than a nod. And even after he moved past stage one and on to the phone interview, he assumed he was one of several hundred candidates. When he got the call from Mark Davis, inviting him to come to New York to “finalize arrangements,” his lips responded in affirmative without his brain engaging. Only now were all the ramifications beginning to set in, leaving his mind in a swirl of confusion.

  He had to get his brother’s advice. The two had joked about working together for Two Dubs—as it was known—back when they were first out of grad school. So much in their lives had changed since then. David’s life was completely different. He wondered how his brother would react to the news.

  He arrived at the house before David. Normally, he would’ve enjoyed chatting with Noelle while playing with Fez and Abby. Lately, however, talking to his sister-in-law left him nervous and rattled at her probing and off-the-wall questions. Every time she got the opportunity she put him through an equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition. Her first question sounded innocent enough...

  “James, you’re doing Christmas morning with us at Gerard’s house, right?”

  Still hoping to avoid any uncomfortable discussions, James continued to gather Fezzik’s things and pile them by the door. “Yes, I’ll be there. I’m going to Pueblo tomorrow to have Christmas with Dad and Angela.” Angela was James’ sister and David’s half-sister. “But the day after Christmas... I’ll talk to you about that when David gets here.”

  “That’s good. I can’t believe I’m actually looking forward to Christmas.” Moving with a bit of an awkward gait, she knelt on the floor and rubbed Abby’s tummy. Fezzik, of course, pounced between them, vying for attention. “You know, James, I’ve been thinking...”

  Oh no. Here it comes.

>   Noelle continued, “Did you know that David will sometimes go for weeks without telling me he loves me? He doesn’t always remember to say those three words out loud. You know what I mean?”

  “Uhmm... I’m sure he still loves you, Noelle.”

  “Yes, but I still need to hear it.”

  “Maybe you should talk to him about it.”

  “I could.” She made a terrible face, as if she’d swallowed some bitter cough syrup. “Of course, that sort of defeats the purpose. He’s supposed to tell me on his own.”

  “Seems a bit unfair to hold that against him if you’re not going to tell him about it and give him a chance to say it.” James reached for the leash, but Noelle drew her hand back and strolled into the family room with Fezzik trailing behind. She sat on the couch and put her feet on the footstool, pointing to a nearby chair. “Have a seat. Sorry, but I’ve got to put my feet up. They swell so much if I don’t.”

  He perched on the edge of the seat. “I really can’t stay long.”

  “Yes, but about David and the I-love-you thing... You understand it’s not only me, right? All women need to hear those words.”

  James doubted his hormonal sister-in-law was a perfect example of all women. “You know David loves you, Noelle. He shows it every day. You told me last week he massages your feet every night. Isn’t that enough?”

  “That stuff is great.” She flipped her hand as if she were tossing something away. “But a woman still needs to hear it to believe it. Don’t you see?”

  “Sure, I get it. If you want, I’ll call him and give a little brotherly advice.”

  “No!” Her shout was so loud, even Fezzik jumped. “Whatever you do, don’t talk to David about it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because... uhmm... because if I found out you said anything to him, I wouldn’t believe anything he said. He has to figure this out on his own. It’s very important to me.”

  James’ head began to pound behind his eyes. “Noelle, I think maybe you and David should talk to a marriage counselor.”