Worth The Fight (Hard To Love Book 1)

by T A. McKay

  I feel a twinge through the top of my hand and I swear loudly, knowing it’s my old injury playing up. I don’t know if it’s the extra training or if my technique is suffering but something isn’t right. I wish I had someone to tell me what to do, because I need to win this fight as if my life depends on it. If I can’t have the man I love, then I need the career I love. I really wish Bryce was here to tell me what I'm doing wrong with my posture though, I think that’s what’s causing me to throw my arm wrong which is then causing tension on my wrist. I start to punch again and just like my wish is granted.

  “You're dropping your right shoulder. There’s no way you will last the entire fight like that.” I don’t stop hitting but lift my shoulder, instantly feeling the difference when my fist connects with the bag. Why does he have to be so fucking good at this? I don’t turn to look at him but I can feel him moving to the other side of the gym. My curiosity finally gets the better of me and I turn to see what he's doing. Of course, just as I look at him, he strips off his shirt and throws it over the weight bench. I watch him and the way his muscles move as he tapes up his hands. He turns and walks towards me, flexing his fingers before stepping onto the sparring mat. He cracks his neck, waiting for me to walk over to him. Like a moth to a flame I move to him, preparing to fight.

  “Where’s the boyfriend?” I can’t help but ask, hoping that maybe they had a huge fight over me and he's here to claim me.

  “Trey had some errands to run. I thought it was a good time to maybe come and see you. Talk about what happened the other night.” I take the opportunity to swing at him, but just like old times, he moves out the way before I connect. It’s like he can read my body and knows the moves I'm going to make before I do.

  “Is there anything that needs to be said? We had a moment, and then you went home to your boyfriend. Was he not putting out, is that why I got the bootie call?” Color works its way through Bryce’s face but this time I know it’s caused by anger, and I know that I might suffer for the comment but it’s how he made me feel. It’s his turn to take a swing, but the difference is that he connects with my left shoulder, knocking me back a step.

  “You weren’t a fucking booty call. I had no intention of sleeping with you when I called. I wanted to talk, to clear the air. I can’t help it if my attraction to you got in the way.” Even though I can hear the anger in his words, I still smile upon hearing that he's still attracted to me.

  “Did you tell him?” I punctuate my question with a kick, hitting him high on the leg so his knee collapses slightly. He recovers quickly and circles me. I match his movements, keeping my guard up.

  “Not yet, I don’t … I don’t know how to explain it.” His voice lowers as he speaks and his eyes drop to the mat. I use it as an opportunity to make my final move. I grab him by the arm, pushing my hip into him and throwing him over it. He lands on his back and I collapse on top of him, no longer trying to win the fight, just wanting to talk to him.

  “Explain what?” He looks up at me, recovering quickly from my surprise attack.

  “Explain what happened. Explain us.” I watch his lips, wanting nothing more than to kiss his confusion away and let him see that it’s me he should be with.

  “You could tell him the truth.” I say it as though it’s the simplest thing in the world but I know it’s not. And it’s not helped by the fact that I don’t think either of us know fully what the truth is.

  “That’s the thing, I can’t tell him that. How do I tell the guy I'm trying to make a life with that I slept with the guy who still has my heart? How do I tell him that I had sex with you because I felt like I would die if I didn’t? The truth is that spending the night with you is something that I will never regret. I know I cheated on him, but I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant being able to feel your body around me.” I don’t get a chance to answer before he tilts his hips and throws me off of his body. I land on my back and watch as he rips the bandages from his wrists and grabs his shirt. He rushes towards the door, buttoning up as he goes.

  “Bryce?” He stops, but doesn’t turn towards me as I sit up.

  “Will you be at my fight on Saturday?” His head drops and I can almost feel the pain flowing from him.

  “I can’t, Zeke. I just can’t.” I watch as he leaves the gym, and I don’t know why, but I have a feeling that this might be the last time I ever see Bryce Tanner.

  Bryce

  I rush from the gym before I give in to the urge to go back and kiss Zeke. The whole time I was in there, it took all my control not to tackle him to the ground and take him again.

  I shouldn’t even be here. I told Trey that I forgot I had a job interview with a new ‘up and coming’ fighter, someone who was travelling and could only fit me in today. So apparently I don’t just cheat on him, I now lie so I can go to see other guys. I couldn’t tell him the truth though, not yet. After meeting Zeke in the supply store, Trey had started asking a lot of questions. With his lawyer mind, I know he saw something that made him slightly suspicious, and I didn’t want to have to tell him about my past with Zeke. I don’t know why I thought that coming here was a good idea, I thought that maybe we could put what happened between us to rest so we could move on and not be so awkward around each other. I should have known better, we can’t be in the same room without pissing each other off or letting our attraction take over.

  I never wanted to admit to him how I feel about him because out of fear that he might use it against me. I can’t give him all the power and I know I feel more for him than he does for me so I need to keep my emotions hidden from him. He's made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want anything more than fucking with me, and I have finally accepted that now. If he truly loved me the way he said he did in his sleep, he would fight for me, show me that he doesn’t care what the world says about us. But I know his career is more important and that’s easier to keep in the forefront of my mind when I'm not standing right in front of him. When I am, the only thing I can think about is the memory of how he feels and tastes, and that leads to nothing but problems. I have this pull to him, something deep in my soul that hears him calling out to me and it’s nigh on impossible to ignore. I bang my head back against the headrest in my car, confusion making me frustrated. Maybe I should go back to being alone, at least then I knew what was happening in my life. How did I end up torn between two men?

  Trey is amazing, he's smart, kind, sexy as hell and wants to be with me. He's happy to be seen with me, to admit how he feels to the whole world and would never hide me. The only problem is that I don’t know if I will ever love him like he deserves. He should be with someone who can give him one hundred percent of themselves, and no matter how hard I try there will always be a part of me he can’t have. Zeke holds that part of me that I will never get back, the part that only the guy I love can have. But, he's also the one who doesn’t want me in public and refuses come out of the closet to be with me. I know it’s nothing to do with me personally but it also hurts that he doesn’t think I'm enough for him to pick me. Then on the other hand, he also turns me on more than anyone else I've ever met. A simple look, a small touch and my body is on full alert, ready to act on anything he's willing to do. Why can’t I combine both of these guys and make the one perfect partner. I try not to think about how the only thing I would change about Zeke is the fact that he isn’t openly gay. If he could change that part of himself then he would be everything I want.

  I shake my head, laughing at myself and my pro and con list. It’s official, I've turned into a teenage girl who’s torn between the nerd and the football star. When I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, I grab it and see a message from Trey, and even after everything I find myself smiling.

  Sorry something’s come up, I won’t be able to come over tonight. You up for a visit tomorrow night?

  I'm a little disappointed that I won’t see him tonight, but a night on my own is probably a good thing. It gives me a chance to really think about everything, and maybe
I can work out how I'm going to come clean to Trey about Zeke. I don’t know how I even bring it up, and I don’t think he’d be able to forgive me. I know that there is a good chance that this will rip us apart but I can’t have this hanging over our head. I don’t want the risk of Zeke saying something in the future, that is ammunition I can let anyone have. I thought he was going to say something at the gym store today and my heart had been racing in my chest. I still can’t believe that I cheated on Trey, I would never have thought I would capable of that. I’ve always thought cheating was the lowest thing that someone could do, and I suppose I still do. I laugh at the irony of the situation before replying to Trey.

  I’ll miss you, but tomorrow is great.

  I put my phone in the centre console and putting the car into gear, I drive away from the gym and towards a night of thinking. A night to finally decide what I want.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Bryce

  Trey looks stressed as I watch him walk in the front door. It’s an unusual state to see him in, I'm used to seeing him cool, calm, and under control. I don’t even ask him if he wants a glass of wine, the look on his face telling me he might need the whole bottle. I have the glass poured by the time he walks into the kitchen and collapses into the chair next to the table. He gives me a smile as I pass the glass to him.

  “Thanks, babe.” I lean down and kiss him gently before grabbing my bottle of beer.

  “You look stressed, is everything okay?” The groan that leaves him tells me that he's had a terrible day, and I'm hoping it’s something that can be easily sorted. I know he deals with a lot of high pressure, high profile cases that attract a lot of attention so I’m wondering if one of them have gone wrong or garnered him some unwelcomed attention.

  “It’s been the day from hell. An important piece of paperwork went missing and we had to spend the entire day looking for it. No one admitted to moving it but I'm pretty sure it was Quincy, and yes I swear that’s his name, that lost it. The guy causes more problems than he solves. The only reason he's still with the company is because his uncle is a friend of the senior partner. I don’t see why I ended up with him and why I should have to carry the dead weight. I win more cases than anyone in that firm so I should have the best staff, not that I'm being big headed … but yeah, I am.” I know he's telling me about his bad day but I can’t help but laugh at his rant. Watching how serious he is when talking about work is funny as hell.

  “I'm glad I'm amusing you.” Even though he's trying to sound serious, I can see the humour in his eyes as he flips me off over the top of his wine glass, which causes me to laugh harder.

  “Oh you are, you amuse me a lot. Usually when you're naked.” I realize what I've said when he chokes on a glassful of wine. “Shit, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant … well … it was … shit.” I can’t seem to get the words to come out of my mouth to explain what I meant. I was trying to say that last night in bed be made me laugh with all his questions, but now I realize how bad it sounded. His hand dramatically flies to his head as he exhales a pained cry.

  “I can’t believe you said that. My naked body isn’t anything to laugh at, it is something to be adored!” He gets up from the chair, continuing the dramatics as he walks out of the kitchen and making it really hard not to laugh at him. “If you don’t want me, I’ll go find someone who finds me irresistible. I'm in demand you know. Demand, I tell you!” I slowly follow him down the hall, watching as he sways from side to side like an old forties actress suffering from palpitations. I let him reach the front door before I rush after him, spinning him round and pinning him to it.

  “Don’t leave, I don’t think I could take a moment without you and your stunning naked body.” I steal his lips in a passionate kiss, and it isn’t long before the atmosphere goes from light and humorous to heavy and thick with desire. Passion takes over and we struggle to get each other naked quickly. With our clothes around our feet, I show Trey that he’s not the only one who can be in control, and from the way he screams out his orgasm, I think he likes it.

  ****

  I close the door behind me and walk into the kitchen with the Chinese takeout that’s just been delivered. I’d planned on cooking tonight, but after the impromptu sex against the door with Trey earlier I couldn’t find the energy to finish preparing it.

  I place the bag down and start taking out the containers while Trey grabs plates and cutlery. I can’t help but notice how domesticated the scene is. I find myself imagining what it could be like having this every day, the comfortable feeling between us is something that I've always wanted in a relationship. And then there’s the passion, when he touches me my body comes alive. He's sexy and alluring, and has a body that could turn a straight man gay. It’s not the same as Zeke’s body, it’s not as sculpted but with his tattoos and the way his muscles are perfectly toned, it’s a huge turn on. I feel guilt when I compare him to Zeke, it’s not fair to Trey when I do that. He can’t possibly win against the memories he doesn’t know I have.

  An arm around my waist brings me back to the present, making me smile as I kiss Trey’s cheek. He really is a great guy, and if I give myself enough time, I really do think I could learn to love him. He rests his chin on my shoulder as I open all the food boxes and place them in the middle of the table so we can help ourselves. When I'm finished I just stand there and let him hold me. We’re quiet as we take our time to move, both of us obviously caught up in our thoughts.

  “I like this, just being here with you. I don’t know when I've ever been this happy just staying in and spending time with someone. It’s been forever since I let anyone in like this. Thank you for letting me trust again.” His words have my heart stuttering in my chest. He hasn’t told me much about his past relationships but Nathan had hinted that he’d been hurt in the past, and that it had taken him a long time to get over it. I pull out of his hold, walking around the other side of the table and taking a seat. Sitting across from each other we fill our plates before I find the courage to ask the question that’s been on my mind all day.

  “What happened with your ex?” I don’t look at him and focus on pushing the food around my plate. It takes a few minutes for him to speak, but I sit patiently as I wait for him to answer.

  “I was with Dustin for about seventeen months before I realized that he was cheating on me. I had been asking him for months to move in with me but he kept making excuses as to why he couldn’t. I never thought to question him fully, I just thought he wasn’t ready. Anyway, the reason he couldn’t move in was because he was actually living with another guy and had been for about a year. That was the day I knew what it was like to have my heart broken. It took me a long time to trust anyone again, but I let you in. People who cheat are the lowest people out there, and it’s a very hard limit for me.” I feel the color drain from my cheeks as he speaks. Without knowing it, I’ve gone and done the one thing he would never forgive. I had treated him just like his ex did and hadn’t taken his feelings into consideration at all. But when I went to see Zeke that night, I had no intention of sleeping with him. One look at him standing there and all I could think about was giving into my cravings and having him. I hadn’t thought of Trey once, well not until I was leaving Zeke’s bed did the guilt hit me. I never imagined I would be the type of guy who would stray but one moment in Zeke’s company had me forgetting who I was.

  Trey’s hand on mine makes me jump and I look up quickly, realising that I’ve been lost in my head again. I seem to have spent too many months stuck in some internal battle between my heart and my head, and it’s caused me so much stress. Now I have to add hurting Trey to that fight, and I know when he finds out what I did he’ll leave me.

  “Are you okay, baby?” He looks worried as he watches me carefully, making me feel awkward. Here he is spilling his guts to me and I manage to make him worry about me. Fuck, when did I turn into this guy? I fake a smile at him, hoping he believes the poor attempt.

  “I'm good, I think I ha
ve a headache coming on.” He squeezes my hand before returning to his meal. As I eat I can see his eyes watching me and it looks like he wants to ask me something but he just smiles before grabbing more fried rice. We eat in comfortable silence but I'm forcing the food into my stomach, the level of guilt eating me alive has tenfold since the start of the conversation.

  When we’re finished we clean up the table, moving around each other as though we have done this hundreds of times before. It’s times like this that I wonder if I’m meant to be with Trey, it just feels like we are made for each other. I would jump into this with both feet if it weren’t for one simple fact: I'm still in love with Zeke. When Trey is finished washing the dishes, he dries his hands and walks over to me. He traps me against the kitchen unit, his hands caging mine and leans in to kiss me gently. He lingers on my lips, licking and nibbling on them until I'm hard and pushing against the front of my jeans.

  “How’s the head?” He breathes against my lips and I can’t help but groan in response. He really makes turning me on look so easy. He has such power over my body, it’s just my heart he needs to conquer.

  “It’s better now. I think I was just hungry.” He rubs his nose over mine, kissing the tip before leaning his forehead against mine.

  “You didn’t eat enough for the food to make you feel better. There’s something bothering you tonight, and I wish you would tell me what it is. I'm here for you. Only you.” I close my eyes as he speaks, pain ripping through me as I listen to him being wonderful. I can feel a tear work its way down my cheek, like my body is trying to release some of the guilt. I feel Trey’s finger wipe it away which causes a silent sob to work through me. This has been building for so long. Everything that’s been happening since I arrived here is making me want, to get on a plane and go back to the UK.