by T A. McKay
“Baby, I wish you would tell me what’s wrong. I hate seeing you in pain.” I let my head drop until it’s leaning on his chest. I enjoy the feel of him against me, for what might be the last time. I need to tell him what happened with Zeke, no matter how much it hurts the both of us. It’s better to get it out in the open now than later on. Maybe if I explain how and why it happened, he will let us move forward together, both of us with fresh starts. We are only just getting serious about each other now, so when I cheated it wasn’t like we were in a full relationship. Another sob wracks my body as I recognise that I'm trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, but I know it won’t. I know when the words come out my mouth I’m going to have to watch Trey walk out of my life, leaving me alone.
“I'm sorry.” I'm hoping the words are loud enough, because I don’t know if I’ll manage to repeat them around the lump that’s appeared in my throat. His hands cup my cheeks and raises my head, forcing me to look at him. I see a look of confusion on his face that is soon going to turn to one of hate.
“Why are you sorry?” Another tear falls and his confusion continues. I can see the moment that he comprehends what I'm trying to say, the look of pain in his eyes destroying me. It makes me want to hold him, but I doubt he would let me touch him. He’s backed away from me slightly, telling me that he knows and doesn’t want to be near me any more.
“Who?” His voice is strained, like he's trying to hold himself together.
“Zeke.” I can’t say anything other than his name, it’s too hard to speak. It must take him a few moments to realize who I'm talking about but he closes his eyes and I know he's made the connection.
“When?” He takes another step back, creating space I don’t want between us.
“About a week ago.” Trey grabs his hair and I barely recognise the noise that comes from him. It’s a mixture of pain and anger, and I don’t like it. I try to walk towards him but he holds his hand up, stopping me dead in my tracks.
“Don’t come near me.” He turns away from me, his hands dropping to his knees as he tries to catch his breath. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I need to make this easier for him but I don’t know how. He stands and faces me, a serious look on his face.
“So you slept with him before our first time?” Fuck. I don’t want to answer that, but I know there is no way to avoid it. He already knows the answer, he's just looking for confirmation. I can’t even say the words so just nod my head at him. He closes his eyes and I move back slightly, convinced I'm about to get a black eye. I wouldn’t blame him, after all I did cheat on him, keeping it secret while I moved forward in our relationship. I should’ve told him before we had sex and given him the chance to make the decision on whether it happened or not.
“I can’t fucking believe this. How do I pick the wrong guy every single time?” I don’t think he's actually talking to me as he walks past me towards the front door. I follow close behind him, not wanting him to leave but fully away that he's going to.
“Trey, talk to me. I can make this right, it doesn’t have to be this way. Let me explain.” He doesn’t stop moving as he grabs his belongings. I just want him to slow down to give me a chance to explain why I slept with Zeke but he's not letting me. He grabs the handle on the front door and I try one more time to get him to stop. “Trey, please wait!” He turns towards me, a look of pure hate on his face.
“Answer me this, did you sleep with me out of guilt? Is that why you suddenly gave yourself to me?” I feel color burning my cheeks as he asks talks. I know it wasn’t the only reason I slept with him, but there is some truth in what he's asking. I wanted to move on, to prove to myself I didn’t need Zeke. Treys face contorts into an angry snarl as he opens the door.
“Fuck you, Bryce. I can’t believe you did this to me. How could I be so stupid and not see you were hiding something? Thanks for breaking my fucking heart.” The tone of his voice lowers and is full of emotion. “I was falling for you. I thought you were the one.” He looks at me with eyes full of disgust as he leaves, slamming the front door behind him. I stand and stare at it feeling completely numb. I don’t feel the same heart wrenching loss I felt when Zeke walked away from me, but there is an ache deep in my stomach. I may have just lost the best chance I ever had at having a happy ever after.
****
I sit in the empty bath, putting the bottle of vodka to my lips and taking a large drink. I don’t remember how I ended up in here, but I know that I've been here since Trey left. I drop my head back against the wall behind me, repeatedly hitting my head against it again and again. I don’t know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. My life seemed so simple when I moved here for this job. It felt like I was finally getting over Austin, like I was actually moving on with my life and nothing could stop me. But something stopped me. A tall, sexy motherfucker who goes by the name of Zeke ‘The Storm’ Raine. I can’t even wish that I hadn’t met him, because the time I spent with him was honestly the best time of my life. I thought I loved Austin but it was nothing compared to how I feel for Zeke. I just wish he would get his head out his fucking arse and see I'm here waiting for him.
I take another long drink from the bottle, praying it takes away the pain or at least makes me pass out so I don’t have to feel it for a while. I grab my mobile to look at the time and see that it’s well after midnight. I don’t know what time Trey left, so I can’t even guess how long I've been drinking. I do know that my arse is numb and feeling left my legs a long time ago. Taking another drink, I unlock my phone and see that the last window I had opened was the contact details for Zeke. I don’t even remember using my phone, so I don’t know why it’s on that screen. I stare at his details like I'm hoping that they hold the answer to sorting my life out, but like always it doesn’t help me. I get so angry looking at his number and picture. He has made me lose everything: my job, my apartment, and my boyfriend. I hate him. And suddenly I need to tell him that. I press the call button and put the phone to my ear, waiting for him to answer. When I hear his voice he sounds sleepy, like I woke him up. Ha, I'm glad I called now.
“Bryce, what’s wrong?” I'm quiet. Now that he’s on the other end of the line, I don’t know what to say. I go with my gut and bluntly tell him exactly why I called.
“I hate you.” My voice doesn’t come out as strongly as I hoped and I wince as I hear pain lacing my words. I’m met with silence, his breathing the only thing I can hear. I close my eyes and listen to it, the sound giving me a strange sort of comfort.
“What happened?” I don’t even have to tell him something’s wrong because he just knows, like he's part of me.
“He’s gone. He left me because I slept with you. You’re stupid, with your stupid hair and stupid muscles so why can’t I just move on? You don’t want me, and I still can’t get you out my head. I need to fucking move on because I hate you.” I'm impressed that I managed to make sense considering all the alcohol that’s running through my veins. I thought I would feel better after speaking what’s in my heart, but instead I can feel it shattering all over again. Just my luck. My chest tightens and I feel the tears start to flow, but this time I just let them. I’m tired of hiding everything, of how much I miss him, of how much I hurt. I just want all the pain to stop.
“I never said I didn’t want you. Not once have those words ever left my mouth. I want you so badly it physically fucking hurts, Bryce. Knowing you're with someone else has been eating me up, I can’t fucking survive without you.” The first painful sob rips through me and I almost drop my phone from the power of it. I don’t know if I can listen to him telling me that he can’t be with me again, I’m a glutton for punishment but I can’t take another rejection from him.
“Fuck, baby. Please don’t cry. I don’t want to hear you hurting.” I cry freely, unable to control it any longer.
“Do you want me, Zeke?” I hear him sigh, the sound coming clearly down the phone.
“I want you more than anything in this life.”
>
“Will you be with me?” There’s a moment’s silence and it tells me what I need to know.
“Baby...” I can’t bring myself to listen to him answer, the ache already too much. With a final sob I hang up the phone, dropping into the bottom of the bath. It pings a few seconds later, my screen lighting with a message from Zeke.
Tell me where you fucking live. I need to know.
I grab the mobile again, pressing the off button until the whole thing goes dark. I can’t deal with any more tonight. There are changes that are going to happen, a new road to take, but none of that can start tonight. I lie down against the cool enamel of the bath, pulling a towel from the towel rack and cover my arms with it. I just need to sleep for a little while,tomorrow when I wake up I will be in a better place to decide what I need to do.
Chapter Twenty Three
Bryce
I look around my living room to make sure I haven’t left anything behind. I’ve spent the last few days packing so I’m ready for my flight on Saturday evening. The morning after Trey left, I’d made the call I had been putting off for a few weeks. I had been offered a new coaching job in another state, but with starting a new relationship with Trey I hadn’t known what to do. When everything crumbled around me I knew that it was time to go. This way I could have a fresh start with a new state and job and leave everything behind. After accepting the job they had asked how soon I could be there, and since I had nothing keeping me here I told them any day after Sunday. That would have worked out great if they had flights on Sunday, and after a lot of compromising I will be flying out late Saturday night, after my plans.
I know I shouldn’t, but I'm going to see Zeke fight in the final against Dwayne. I’m hoping that it’ll give me the closure I need to close the door on this part of my life, and if I'm honest, I want to see him smash Dwayne’s face in. I still hold the fucker responsible for everything that went wrong between me and Zeke, if he hadn’t have made those smartarse comments, Zeke might not have run.
I grab my mobile when it rings, seeing Eddie’s name on the screen. I take a deep breath before answering, wondering what this is about.
“Eddie, how’s things?” I don’t know why I try to make conversation, Eddie doesn’t do small talk and his next words just prove that more.
“You're leaving the state? Craig called and said you’d taken a job with him.” I was hoping that I would be on the plane when everyone heard, but I should have known that luck wouldn’t be on my side. I swear I must have done something really fucking bad in a past last life because Karma is really kicking my arse in this one.
“Yeah. He approached me a few weeks back and now I think it’s for the best.” I can hear him muttering but I can’t hear what he's saying. I keep going to speak to him, but every time I open my mouth I hear him curse under his breath, so I close my mouth again. When he calms down he must remember he's still got me on the phone.
“I thought you would’ve come back to the gym. I haven’t filled the position yet, I didn’t want anyone else but you.” I feel a pain in my chest as he speaks. I loved my job there, I moved across the world for it, but there is no way I could ever go back now, too much has happened.
“I'm so sorry, Eddie. There’s just no way that I could come back, not after … I just can’t come back.” I nearly tell him Zeke’s the reason that’s stopping me, but I can’t let that get out. Even after all the hurt he's caused, I would never do anything to tarnish his reputation.
“You know, I left you two to sort this out, thinking that maybe you could both be adults, but apparently I was wrong. I don’t see why you fucking each other means I need to lose one of the best coaches I've had at the gym. I should have known that he would fuck this up for me. And you, you should be the bigger man and stay.” I don’t even have a chance to respond before he hangs up on me, leaving me standing with the disconnected tone in my ear, not able to move with the shock I'm in. Zeke had mentioned that Eddie had walked in on us once, but with everything that happened after that conversation I completely forgot about it. I feel my cheeks heat as I think about what he probably saw. I know what we got up to in that locker room and most of it would have probably gotten us a thousand notes on Tumblr.
I throw my phone onto the couch and grab a roll of tape. I need to get a move on, the moving company will be here any minute and I still have some boxes to finishing packing. I make a mental note to never move again, especially to a different State. I hate the feeling of packing up your life, knowing that your leaving somewhere that was important to you. Also I hate packing all my shit into boxes, I don’t know when I managed to gather all this stuff, I don’t remember half of it. Another mental not that I make is to never sleep with a coworker, like ever. I let out a dry laugh, there is no way I'm going down this road again, in fact I don’t think I will be dating in the future at all. If this situation has taught me anything it’s that I should just be alone. I'm not good at being with someone, I’ve ruined every relationship I've been in so I think it’s time to quit before I hurt someone else. I move to another box and I’m taping it shut when I hear a knock on my front door. I open it to find a huge guy standing there, and he offers me his hand as he introduces himself as being with the removal company. I let him and a few more guys into my little place, a little unsure how they will be able to move properly with the size of them all. I show them what has to go before telling them that I’ll be finishing up the last few boxes. I'm thankful I have something to occupy me, because watching them remove everything makes my heart hurt. I thought that I could have made a life here, but it just wasn’t meant to be.
****
I take a bite out of my sandwich as I look around my now completely empty apartment, everything is in lorries on their way to my new place. A place that I'm hoping to make my new home, leaving all the heartache behind. I know that’s wishful thinking, a new location will never remove Zeke from my memories, but maybe the distance will make it hurt a little less. When I leave tomorrow evening I'm hoping it will be a new chapter in my story, and I'm hoping this one has less drama than the last.
I hear my phone alert me to a text, my mobile vibrating in my pocket as I put my food down. I pull it out of my pocket and lean against the wall behind me. I'm currently sitting on the floor, having not thought through what I was going to do for the next twenty-four hours since I have absolutely no furniture, which also means no bed. I open the text and smile when I see it’s from my mum. I don’t hear from her as much as I would like, but calling over here is more than she can afford. She’s also a complete technophobe, meaning that trying to explain Facetime caused a twenty-minute crying session. And I was the one in tears.
Hi Son. I added your new address to my book. Please make it the last address you have, I'm running out of space. I hope the move goes well, let me know when you land safe. Love Mum xx
She always signs it, ‘Love Mum’, even though I know it’s from her. I've tried to explain it to her so many times but I've just given up. I know I need to reply to her, easing her nerves for my flight tomorrow. She hates it when I fly, she’s convinced that the plane will drop from the sky. When I was coming over here the first time I think my dad had to sedate her for the whole nine hour flight, he said he got sick of her nonstop pacing and talking. I type out a reply and press send.
I will let you know as soon as I land. It’s a short flight, only a couple of hours. I'm looking forward to this job so not planning on leaving any time soon.
I close my phone, not expecting her to message back quickly but she does, and her text cuts through my heart. I haven’t told her what happened with Zeke, so I know she is only making an observation, but it still hurts like hell.
That’s what you said about this one. Maybe it’s time to settle down?
I lock my phone and drop it on the floor next to me. I can’t answer her, I have no response to that. How do I explain that that’s what I was trying to do, that I found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but he wou
ldn’t choose me over his career? He picked his lifelong dream over me, and I don’t blame him, but Mum wouldn’t see it that way. I gave him my heart easily, but that isn’t his fault. He never once lied to me, I chose not to listen to him. I can’t blame him for my stupidity.
****
I listen to the thunderous sound of the crowd inside the arena. As normal, the final has brought out all the true fans of the sport, and I can hear them chanting both fighter’s names. I walk down an aisle and grab a seat a few rows back from the reserved family seating. I don’t want to be noticed or affect Zeke’s concentration, but I want to hear what his coaching team’s telling him. I want him to win this fight and I need to make sure they’re making the right decisions for him. I was a little shocked the last time I was at the gym, the fact that no one had picked him up on his poor stance. If he drops his shoulder today there’s a chance he will get seriously hurt, and no matter what’s happened in the past, I can’t let that happen.
I'm about to sit when I hear his opening song start. I feel my heart racing in my chest as the lights dim in the arena. The noise of the crowd is deafening and the floor is vibrating under my feet. He might have lost his last title fight, but Zeke is the crowd favorite. The spotlight hits the door on the other side of the arena I stop breathing with the anticipation of seeing him. I’ve never seen him enter before, I’ve always been hiding in the changing rooms to escape the visions of my past. When a figure appears in the centre of the light I let the breath I was holding leave my lungs in a stuttered fashion. Zeke stands there in nothing but his shorts looking like a fucking god. He hates wearing a robe like the other fighters, says he looks like a fucking idiot in one. I take him in, from his sexy shorter than normal hair to his body that looks more toned than normal, right down to his legs that are making my hands want to reach out touch them. He looks like everything you would picture a top fighter to be: strong, in control, and powerful.