by Bob Burke
‘Mr Aladdin.’ I stretched out my trotter. ‘Glad you could make it at such short notice.’ I didn’t acknowledge Gruff and, strangely, he didn’t offer to shake my trotter either.
Aladdin gave my trotter a perfunctory shake. ‘Mr Pigg. I assume from your call that you have my lamp.’
‘It’s nearby and very safe,’ I replied. ‘Please be patient and you’ll have it back shortly.’
From the look he gave me, patience clearly wasn’t going to be top of Aladdin’s order of business for the day. I hoped that Edna was going to arrive soon as I didn’t know how long Aladdin’s fuse was.
Fortunately, the Wicked Witch of the West Side was as anxious to recover the lamp as everyone else. A long line of stretch limos snaked from the main entrance of the park to where we waited. A small army (in both size and number) of henchOrcs disgorged from the cars and took up positions around us.
Two very large minders in black tuxedos and sunglasses squeezed themselves out of a large black Merc and stood beside the rear door as Edna made her entrance. These bodyguards exuded menace and were the kind of muscle that would still look intimidating dressed in pink tutus. They stood at either side of Edna as she walked towards us, their faces (at least what I could see of them behind the shades) expressionless. When they got closer I could see they were actually gorillas (as in silverbacks and mutual grooming). Clearly Edna relied on minders that were a little bit more effective than Ogre Security (Not On Our Watch). Her gorillas were the genuine article.
Aladdin and Edna both eyed each other warily. Clearly both wanted to know what the other was doing here, but neither was going to be the first to ask. They had their pride. I let them posture and sweat for a bit longer just to show who was nominally in charge, but primarily because I was thinking of a thousand ways how my plan (which seemed so foolproof last night) might, in the light of day, actually blow up in my face now that all the key players were here.
Edna broke the silence first.
‘Harry Pigg again,’ she sneered. ‘And smelling so much nicer than when we last met. Care to tell me what we’re all doing here?’
‘A very good question, Mr Pigg.’ Aladdin looked at me steadily. ‘More to the point, do you have my lamp?’
‘Your lamp?’ exclaimed Edna, turning her attention to Aladdin. ‘No way, pal. It’s my lamp.’
Aladdin took a step towards her and the two bouncers suddenly appeared in front of him, blocking his way. I was interested to see that Gruff was keeping himself a safe distance away from his master, which was quite understandable, considering the size of Edna’s minders, but hardly a career-enhancing move. Unless he backed up his employer, it was quite possible his next job could be propping up a bridge–from inside the concrete support. Mr Aladdin had certain expectations of his employees.
‘Ma’am,’ said Aladdin, raising his hands in a conciliatory gesture, ‘I assure you the lamp is mine. In fact, I employed Mr Pigg here,’ and he waved an arm in my direction, ‘to locate it for me.’ He looked at me again. ‘And you have found it, haven’t you?’ he said levelly. ‘Because I really hope you didn’t bring me to this accursed place at this unearthly hour of the day for any other reason.’
Despite my best effort I was now the centre of attention and that was the last place I wanted to be. Beads of sweat formed on my brow.
Edna took a few steps towards me. ‘Well, Pigg, is this true? Is it his lamp?’
I coughed nervously and cleared my throat.
‘OK folks,’ I stammered. ‘Let me explain. Now if you could all step back a small bit and give me some room, I’ll begin.’
I didn’t really need the room; I just wanted to be able to see where Jack was hiding.
Everyone shuffled back slowly, muttering and giving me foul looks. If this didn’t work, chances were I’d become the booby prize in a turf-war between Aladdin and Edna and I really didn’t fancy my head being mounted over the fireplace of the winner.
‘Ladies, gentlemen, foul-smelling Orcs, very muscular simian bodyguards and offensive goat,’ I began. ‘Let me tell you a little story.
‘Once upon a time, a very rich man had a magic lamp that he treasured above all else. One night the lamp was stolen by person or persons unknown and, through a series of bizarre circumstances, ended up in the hands of another of our foremost citizens.’ I nodded towards Edna, who just continued to scowl at me.
I know, I know; I was piling it on with a trowel but I had to keep both of them sweet for a little while longer.
‘Now this lady,’ I nodded at Edna, the word ‘lady’ sticking in my throat, ‘assumed that the lamp was now her property, possession being nine-tenths of the law and all that.
‘Unfortunately, the original owner of the lamp employed the town’s foremost detective to track it down and return it.’ For some reason there was much coughing, clearing of throats and disbelieving glances at this statement–I can’t imagine why.
‘Through prodigious feats of deduction,’ more coughing, ‘he tracked down and recovered the missing lamp and can now return it to its rightful owner.’
I looked straight at where Jack was hiding and nodded my head. I caught a glimpse of him as he bent down and began to cover the lamp in mud. When the lamp was liberally smeared, he cautiously made his way towards me, holding it carefully in both hands.
‘Tell me, Mr Aladdin,’ I asked, ‘what do you most wish for right now?’
As I waited for his reply, I took the lamp from Jack and handed it to him. He looked at it aghast.
‘For goodness sake, Pigg. Could you not have cleaned it before you handed it back?’
Reaching into his pocket, he grabbed a handkerchief and began cleaning the lamp.
I was sweating profusely now–like a pig, in fact. The success of my plan depended on the next few minutes.
‘I’m sorry, Mr Aladdin, I just hadn’t time. I wanted to get it back to you as soon as I could. But you haven’t answered my question.’
He continued rubbing the lamp furiously, oblivious to the plume of white smoke that was beginning to pour from the nozzle.
‘Oh yes, your question,’ he said. ‘What I really wish for most right now is to find out who stole my lamp and why.’
There was a loud crack and the white smoke solidified into a very large and very happy-looking genie–all turban, silk trousers and a cone of smoke where his feet should have been.
‘BEHOLD, I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP,’ he bellowed. ‘AND YOUR THIRD WISH SHALL BE GRANTED. IT WAS I WHO STOLE YOUR LAMP.’
Aladdin looked at him in horror and with dawning comprehension. He’d been had.
I turned quickly to Jack while everyone was looking in astonishment at the genie.
‘Jack, now!’ I roared.
Quickly, Jack ran to Aladdin and, before he could react, had grabbed the lamp and flung it at me. Catching it skilfully, I quickly rubbed it again.
The genie looked at me and his smile grew even broader.
‘I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP. YOU HAVE THREE WISHES. WHAT IS YOUR BIDDING, MY MASTER?’
I took a deep breath and in a very loud voice–to ensure everyone could hear–outlined my first wish.
‘I wish that if, as a result of this case, any harm should come to me or any of my associates at the hands of either Aladdin or Edna, or anyone connected with them for that matter, both will suffer cruel and unusual punishment–such punishment at the genie’s discretion.’ Granted, it was a mouthful but I needed to cover all the bases.
The genie bowed deeply.
‘YOUR WISH IS GRANTED.’
From the horrified look on their faces, I could see that both Edna and Aladdin clearly understood what had happened. I was safe from any retaliation by either of them and, in the context of what had happened in this case, that had understandably been my first priority. I was untouchable–at least by them–and was savouring the moment. But I wasn’t finished yet.
‘My second wish is that, after thousands of years of imprisonment at the hands of s
elfish masters, the genie is to set himself free.’
The genie bowed even more deeply and waved his arms theatrically–obviously playing to his audience.
‘YOUR WISH IS GRANTED.’
As he said this, the smoke began to drift away on the wind and, from his knees down, the rest of his legs began to materialise. Slowly he descended to the ground and landed carefully, testing his balance. Satisfied that he could at least stand without falling over (if not actually walk) he smiled at me and nodded his gratitude.
‘I thank you, sir, from the bottom of my heart. For too long have I been in thrall to masters who have used me for their own devices with no thought for my wishes. Now I am free and shall be no man’s slave from here on in.’
I didn’t want to point out to him that now that he was free he’d have to get a job. I wondered what skills he did have but imagined that being an ex-genie wouldn’t necessarily endear him to potential employers. I also noticed that he wasn’t shouting in block capitals any more–presumably another advantage of being a free man, and one that wasn’t quite as hard on the ears of anyone within a ten-mile radius.
As he spoke I noticed Edna nod to her gorillas. They surreptitiously made their way towards me, trying (not very successfully it has to be said) to be unobtrusive. As they advanced I began to back away ever so slowly. As I did so, the genie shook his head and, with a slight wave of his hand, motioned for me to stop.
I gave him a ‘you must be joking; have you seen who’s coming after me’ look but he nodded more emphatically. As he did so I noticed that as the heavies got to about ten feet from me, they suddenly shrank to the size of garden gnomes. I suddenly became very brave and raised my foot to stomp down on them. Squealing in fear they ran back towards Edna and, as they did so, they quickly grew back to their original height. My enthusiasm for squashing them evaporated, primarily because they were now more than capable of squashing me first.
I looked at the genie in confusion.
‘It’s very simple,’ he said. ‘Even though I’m free and no longer capable of magic, any spell I’ve already cast remains in force. If either of them,’ he nodded at Edna and Aladdin, ‘tries to harm you, or employs someone to do so, they will suffer most unpleasant consequences indeed.’
I smiled at my sudden invulnerability.
‘Of course,’ he continued, ‘that won’t stop you from being harmed by anyone else.’
The smile disappeared as fast as it had arrived. Typical, I thought–there’s always a downside. Mind you, at least I was safe from the two people currently most likely to do me harm–both of whom, along with their respective entourages, were backing away quietly from me so as not to incur any further pain or humiliation.
I couldn’t resist it; I ran quickly towards them. It was one of the finest moments of my life. Imagine, if you will, one very fat oriental gentleman, a goat, two large gorillas in tuxedos, a disorganised swarm of Orcs, and Edna (who had trouble walking let alone moving any faster) all desperately clambering backwards over each other in a frantic effort to get as far away from me as they could. The resulting scrum made me laugh out loud for the first time in quite awhile.
I think it was at that point I realised that the case was more or less over. All I needed to do was tie up a few loose ends and explain to Jack what had happened.
13
Exposition, Basili
‘But how did you know it was the genie?’ Jack asked.
The three of us–Jack, the genie and I–were in my office, sitting around my desk drinking coffee. Much as I’d like to take all the credit for solving the case–being a famous detective and all–if Jack hadn’t turned up at Edna’s wielding the leg from a suit of armour, chances are I’d have ended up a permanent face-down resident in the sewers I’d come to love so much. The least he deserved was an explanation.
The genie, on the other hand, was just hanging around. Now that he was homeless, seeing as he couldn’t fit into his lamp any more, he had latched on to me–and it was placing me in a very difficult position.
In my job, I needed to be discreet, and discretion was going to be very difficult when you were being shadowed by a large dark-skinned ex-genie whose idea of sartorial elegance was a bright yellow turban, a yellow and red patterned waistcoat that seemed twenty sizes too small and a pair of baggy yellow silk trousers that ended just above the ankles and looked like someone had inflated a large hot-air balloon in each leg. On his feet a pair of yellow slippers that curled up at the front just added the final lurid touch.
Oh, and he farted a lot–an awful lot.
But I digress. Elbows on my desk, I rested my head on my trotters, made sure I had everyone’s attention and began.
‘It was the lamp. I’d stared at it for most of the night trying to figure out why it seemed so familiar. Then, just as I was on the point of giving up, I went to bed and it struck me.’
‘The bed struck you?’ said Jack. ‘How?’
‘No, not the bed,’ I replied wearily. ‘An idea. I suddenly realised where I’d seen it before and why it had taken so long to work it out. I’d seen it from the inside.’
‘Huh?’ The look on Jack’s face said it all.
‘It was when I was in that white room. The curved walls were the same shape as the body of the lamp. I’d been pulled into it by our friend Basili here,’ I said, nodding at the genie. ‘Of course, I didn’t know it at the time; I just thought I’d been taken prisoner by an insane interior decorator.
‘Once I figured that the genie was looking for his own lamp, it all began to fall into place.’
I could see the confusion on Jack’s face and held up a warning trotter before he could ask another ‘why’ or ‘how’ question.
‘When I rubbed the lamp, nothing happened,’ I continued. ‘My first reaction was that it was all a hoax and the lamp was exactly that: a lamp; with no magic, no three wishes and no genie. No offence.’ I looked across the table at the genie.
‘None taken,’ he replied calmly.
‘Then I figured that if the last owner hadn’t used up all his wishes yet, then rubbing the lamp would probably have no effect. However, once the three wishes had been granted then the lamp was up for grabs again, making it a very valuable antique indeed.’
The genie nodded his agreement.
‘This would explain why Aladdin had kept the lamp so securely under lock and key. As long as he had it, he still had a last wish, but it was useless to anyone else unless they could get him to use up that last wish.
‘Now, if you were the genie that provided this somewhat unique service, I imagine that it would get quite tedious, if not downright frustrating, being stuck in a lamp with no way of getting out, just sitting there waiting for that last rub to happen.’
I turned to Basili. ‘How long were you waiting after Aladdin’s second wish?’
The genie heaved a deep sigh. ‘Forty years.’
‘Wow!’ exclaimed Jack. ‘You were stuck in there for forty years? What did you do to pass the time?’
‘Initially, I read, watched TV and ate a lot,’ said Basili. From his size, it didn’t need a detective to work that out. ‘Then with the arrival of the computer age and the information superhighway, I learned everything about PCs and used them to interface with the outside world, looking for an opportunity to set myself free.’
‘Which is how he met Benny,’ I said.
‘Poor Benny,’ said Basili with a sympathetic shake of the head and a loud fart. ‘I’m sorry about that but he was my only option.’
‘Don’t worry, he’s probably already forgotten about it. Gnomes have a very short attention span.’ I looked at the genie. ‘What I want to know is how you managed to find out so much about security systems?’
Basili’s grin was so wide his head looked like it was split in two. In fact, I don’t believe he’d actually stopped smiling since he’d been freed. ‘Hacking.’
‘Hacking?’ I repeated stupidly.
‘Yes, hacking. With twenty years of
computer experience, I was at the cutting edge of cyber crime from the word go. There isn’t a system out there I can’t crack. Aladdin’s just needed a bit of time. Once I had access, it was easy to figure out where the weaknesses were. I just wish I’d picked someone brighter to actually steal the lamp.’ There was another loud rumble from his side of the desk, which I hoped was his stomach telling him it was hungry. A few moments later that hope was cruelly dashed and I walked over to the window to let some fresher air in. Basili gave me another apologetic look.
I figured it was about time I took back control of the conversation and make myself the centre of attention once more. I walked back to the desk and looked at the other two.
‘Once I figured that the genie was the one who was calling the shots, or at least one of the three calling the shots, I thought that if I could strike a deal with him I might get the other two off my back–assuming he was willing to play ball.’
‘And I was,’ grinned Basili. Paarp! Phut-phut-phut-phut! ‘All I wanted was someone to help me gain my freedom and Mr Harry here was most anxious to help me, as well as himself.’
I nodded furiously. ‘Using the same email address Benny had used, I told him that I knew who he was and proved it by cryptically suggesting that the person who controlled the third wish effectively controlled the genie. If the message was understood then all he had to do was follow my lead at Wilde Park when I was hopefully going to make him appear.’ I smiled at the memory of the look on Aladdin’s face when he realised he’d been duped. ‘Fortunately for us all, everything went more or less according to plan. Basili was set free and I got Aladdin and Edna off my back. Unfortunately, as I was no longer flavour of the month with Aladdin, he declined to pay me for my services.’
As usual things hadn’t panned out yet again for the proprietor of the Third Pig Detective Agency. Then again, I was getting used to it. This time, however, I had also picked up a stray–a very large, yellow stray that, partly thanks to me, no longer had a home.