Prayer (The Pagano Family Book 5)

by Susan Fanetti

  But what if where they’d landed was just a ledge? Just a narrow slice of safety before a bottomless drop?

  As she lay with him now, tucked against his chest, secure in his wonderful arms, Katrynn felt paralyzed. Intense desire warred with a fear just as potent and made her mute. What if the drop was bottomless? But what if John really loved her, if this was a real thing, a ‘one true love’ kind of thing, the kind of thing Nick and Bev had? What if he was offering her exactly the love she wanted? Then…God!

  With that thought swirling through her synapses, Katrynn tightened her hold on him, bringing herself as close to him as she could. He smelled so good, felt so good. He sounded so good, his heart thumping steadily against her ear.

  He kissed her head, then pushed her to her back without breaking the vise of their embrace. When he raised up just enough to look down into her eyes, she knew that he was going to push for a response to what he’d said.

  But he didn’t. Instead, he smiled at her. “I don’t need the words until you’re ready to say them. I think I can feel how you feel. You make me happy. I’m gonna say the words, because I want to. But I told you that I’m tired of the game. I don’t want to sit on ‘Start’ anymore. I want to move on the board with you. So I’m gonna ask something of you, okay?”

  Thinking she knew what he wanted to ask, Katrynn nodded. She’d been thinking—fearfully, yes, but thinking—about it, too. She tried to think what she would say.

  “I want to meet your family.”

  That hadn’t been what she’d thought he would say. She’d thought he wanted to move in together.

  What he was asking was scarier.

  “John…”

  “Katrynn. You know everything there is to know about me. You’re already part of my family. I want to know you better, too.”

  She pushed on his shoulders, wanting some distance, but he wouldn’t give it to her. Finally, she gave up with a huff. “My family is nothing like yours. Mine is weird and complicated and…”

  “And what?” He brushed his beard over her cheek. “It’s where you came from. Whatever it is, it made you, and you amaze me.”

  Her father was still in Canada—in Calgary, the last she’d heard. There was a guy staying with her mother now, someone Katrynn had first met at Easter a few weeks before. He was younger than Katrynn, which was fine; her mother was beautiful and youthful, and it wasn’t the first time she had brought home a handsome young boy toy to keep her company while Katrynn’s father played Jack Kerouac.

  But Katrynn could not bring John into that.

  How on earth could she explain her family to a Pagano? How would he understand? Fuck, she didn’t even understand half the time.

  “Please, baby. Let me in. Let go a little. Just a little.”

  It wasn’t a little he was asking. But how could he know that? If she didn’t take a step forward with him, she could lose this. If she couldn’t say the words, then she needed to do something.

  “Okay. I’ll call my mom and see.”

  His grin almost made her think it would be okay.

  ~ 13 ~

  John put his hand on Katrynn’s knee and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “It’s gonna be fine. Parents love me—moms especially.”

  “That’s not what I’m worried about.” She laid her head on his shoulder and let out a long breath.

  His old truck had a bench seat in the cab, and he liked her to sit next to him. She’d rolled her eyes at him the first time he’d given her a little pull to bring her closer, and she’d made him dig out the middle seat belt so she could use it, but now she always rode right at his side.

  “I don’t care what your family’s like. They made you, and I love you. This is going to be fine.”

  John wouldn’t admit it to Katrynn, but he was, in fact, a little nervous about this day. He couldn’t quite get his head around what she had told him about her family and whom he’d be meeting. Not her father, because her father was, in Katrynn’s words, a ‘vagabond.’ He’d be meeting her mother, Dana. And A.J., her mother’s…boyfriend? Boyfriend wasn’t Katrynn’s word. She called A.J. her mother’s ‘distraction.’

  She’d dropped all that on him over breakfast this morning, before they’d hit the road. They were only about two hours from the Cove, but Katrynn had been behaving like the trip would be a death march. He’d finally gotten her to tell him why she was so worried.

  What he’d told her more than once was true: it didn’t matter how weird her family was. He loved her, and she’d come from them. He didn’t feel judgmental toward them, either. He just wasn’t sure what to expect.

  Katrynn had gotten pensive as soon as they’d crossed into Connecticut, and she’d stared quietly out the side window for the rest of the drive, her fingers twisting up locks of her ponytail. He didn’t push her; instead, he put his arm around her shoulders and used the time to do some thinking himself.

  Her family might be a mystery, but John thought that getting to know them might be the key to the last bit of puzzle Katrynn herself presented.

  She lifted her head from his shoulder. “She’s coming out. Okay. Come meet my mom.”

  They got out of the truck, and a small, pretty woman trotted down the porch steps and across the yard toward them. Wearing faded, low-slung jeans and a snug little t-shirt that showed a little bit of belly, she seemed too young to be Katrynn’s mother, and she was several inches shorter than her daughter, but the resemblance between them was clear.

  “Darling!” Katrynn’s mother went to her with her arms thrown out theatrically, as if it had been years rather than weeks since they’d seen each other. The women embraced.

  “Hi, Mom.” As Katrynn stepped back and nodded in his direction, John came around the front of his truck. “I want you to meet John Pagano. John, this is my mother, Dana.”

  Dana turned and blasted a smile at him that John would have considered flirtatious if it hadn’t been on Katrynn’s mother’s face. He held out his hand. “Hi, Mrs. Page. It’s good to meet you.”

  She batted his offered hand away and threw her arms around his waist. “Dana! Call me Dana!” As she squeezed him, John looked over her head at Katrynn—who looked…he didn’t know. Embarrassed? Annoyed? Worried? Jealous?

  Not knowing what to do with his hands, he set them on Dana’s shoulders and gave her an awkward squeeze back. When she released him, he breathed out his relief. That had been fucking weird.

  Weirder than it should have been, actually. She’d only hugged him. Maybe she was a hugger. He was used to that; most of the women in his family were huggers. But that one had been weird, no doubt.

  Now Dana was looking up at him, still with that too-suggestive smile. No. He was reading too much into too much. She was just being nice. He smiled back.

  She patted his belly. “You must be a very special man, John Pagano. Katrynn is going to be thirty in June, and she’s lived on her own for years, and you are only the third boy she’s ever brought home.”

  “Mom. He doesn’t need my history.” Katrynn had her arms crossed over her chest, looking like she was waiting to be sentenced. She’d told him, while she was describing her family, that she loved them as they were. But she sure looked uncomfortable now.

  “Sorry! Okay, then, John. Tell me about yourself. Katrynn tells me you’re in construction?”

  “Yeah. I work at my family’s company. Pagano & Sons.” As he spoke, Dana took his hand and held out her other for Katrynn, who took it. They walked three abreast toward the house.

  What a house it was. The front was painted pink, and the paint wrapped unevenly about two feet around the side he could see, and from the ground to about halfway up, like someone had run out of paint, or interest, or both, and not bothered to paint the rest of the house. The rest of that side was an aging, pale green. John counted four different colors on shutters and doors. The grey paint of the wooden porch was cracked and peeling, but the railing and spindles were a fresh, pale yellow. Hanging from the porch eaves were about a
dozen wind chimes. There was a light breeze, so the air was full of the tinkle and chime of metal and glass and shells colliding.

  The front yard was cluttered with all sorts of bizarre garden gewgaws—three windmills, all of them rusted and creaking; a large flock of plastic flamingos, a small herd of stone deer, several glass orbs on different stands, about two dozen different kinds of bird feeders, and two enormous concrete birdbaths. Only to name those things he’d particularly noticed in the chaos.

  As they approached the porch, a man came to the open front door. Or not quite a man. He looked to be maybe early twenties, and he was wearing nothing but a pair of shiny blue basketball shorts. The boy clearly spent a lot of time in the gym, and he had his shorts angled low, with his thumbs hooked into the waistband, to maximize the view. Not much for leg day, though, by the look of him.

  “A.J.—honey, this is John, Katrynn’s boyfriend. John, A.J. is my companion.”

  A.J. just stood there, so John freed his hand from Dana and held it out. “Hey, A.J.”

  “Yeah, bruh.” A.J. pulled one hand from his pants and gave John’s hand a bored shake.

  John couldn’t help it. He wasn’t judging, but he sure was curious. He turned and considered Dana.

  She was very pretty, with straight, shiny blonde hair that went just past her shoulders, and long bangs that covered her forehead. Big blue eyes topped a cute nose and an easy smile. She had to be at least late forties—no. Katrynn had an older brother. So unless Dana had gotten her mothering started really early, she was in her early fifties, most likely. She could pass for late thirties, though.

  Of course he was being shallow, but after that first impression, he couldn’t imagine that A.J. was the kind of guy who was attracted to a woman’s inner beauty. He was probably proud of himself for catching such a MILF. What did Dana see in that kid, though?

  “Why are you staring?” Katrynn hissed at his side.

  “Sorry.” He smiled at Dana. “Sorry. Just got caught in a thought for a second.”

  Dana’s smile grew. “No worries. We’re thought-provoking here. So, John. You work in construction. I just so happen to have a little construction dilemma. Can I do that thing where I ask the doctor to diagnose me at the party?”

  “Mom!”

  “Oh, honey. It’s fine. Right, John?”

  “It is fine, Katrynn. Yeah. Show me your mole or whatever.”

  Dana laughed at the way he’d picked up her metaphor, and she went back down the porch steps. “It’s ‘round back. C’mon, A.J. You come, too.”

  ~oOo~

  “Fuck.” John stared at Dana’s ‘little construction dilemma.’

  Katrynn nudged him. “You can’t talk like that here.”

  “Please?” He had to think for a second to remember what he’d said.

  Dana answered. “Language is such a vast and beautiful thing, and there is already plenty of ugliness in the world. Here, we try not to add to the ugly. Find a beautiful word to hold your meaning.”

  John looked around Katrynn to stare at her mother. Okay, that broad was a kook, no question. “Sorry,” he said, not feeling sorry at all. Then he turned back to the destroyed garage he was supposed to ‘diagnose.’

  The back yard, abutted by woods, was as busy as the front, but there was a bit more organization here. Dana had a big vegetable garden, most of which was still in its greening stage. There weren’t a lot of flowers, except for marigolds around the perimeter of the vegetables. Elsewhere in the yard were a few seating areas, a stone barbecue, a couple of picnic tables, and lots of random lawn art.

  A wide gravel driveway led from the road and the front yard to the back and curved a bit so that the garage was situated behind the house. Two cars—a geriatric Subaru wagon and a newer Scion coupe—were parked near the garage.

  Or what had been the garage.

  A big sycamore had toppled over and taken down the structure. There was still a car—it looked like an old Oldsmobile—inside the garage. He could see it because the tree had landed sideways across the center of the building, and the overhead door had been canted halfway up as the garage had caved in.

  He was a finish carpenter, so his real skill was in the detail work, not stuff like this. But even a magician wouldn’t have been able to do diddly with that garage right there.

  “It’s dead, Dana. That’s my diagnosis.”

  “Is there nothing you can do?”

  Katrynn wheeled on her mother. “No way, Mom. Why would you think you could even ask that?”

  Facing her daughter with her hands on her hips, Dana answered, “I need help. I’m asking for help. I give help when I can be helpful, and I ask for it when I have need. You know that.”

  John took a breath. Their day trip to meet Katrynn’s mother was starting off on some rocky footing. But hell, what else would they have done? Sit around and make awkward conversation, with A.J. the post-pubescent stud muffin gaping at them? Maybe this was better. But still—it was late morning. What could he do in a day?

  “What would you like me to do?”

  “You don’t have to do this.” Katrynn took his hand and gave it a desperate pull. “You really don’t. I’m so, so sorry.”

  He squeezed her hand and brought her close. “It’s okay, baby.”

  Dana grinned, clearly relieved. “It’s a total loss?”

  “Uh, yeah. Even the intact wall is bowing.” He pointed and swept his finger in an arc to show what he meant. “What you have here is a bonfire. Nothing more.”

  “Okay.” Dana studied the rubble. “How long does it take to build one of those kit ones like they have at the lumber yard?”

  Jesus. Was she hazing him? “Me alone? A couple of weekends. Three or four days.” Long fucking days.

  “You’re not alone,” she responded brightly. “You have all of us to help. And I could get Tom from next door to lend me his chainsaw for the tree—he’s got a bum back, so he can’t help, but he can lend. And we can all chip in to do the work. It’ll be fun!”

  John surveyed the three people before him: Dana, tiny and flighty. A.J., young and insipid. Katrynn, who looked like she wanted the earth to open up and take her.

  Not really a great work crew.

  “I can call my brothers, see how they’re feeling about a project today.”

  Both at the same time, Katrynn yelled, “NO!” and her mother clapped and said, “Yay! Tell them I’ll feed them!”

  He pulled his phone from his jeans, and Katrynn grabbed his wrist. “No, John. Please no. No.”

  He gave her a smile he hoped was reassuring. It wasn’t how he’d meant to spend his Saturday, but if Carlo and Luca helped out, it might not be so bad. “It’s okay. If they’re not into it, they’ll say as much.”

  “John, please. I don’t want them here.”

  Something much more intense was suddenly happening in this busy back yard. Dana had stilled and turned narrow eyes on her daughter. Katrynn hadn’t let go of John’s arm. Even A.J. had seemed to catch the dark vibe; he’d slumped off and sat down on a lawn swing.

  “Are you ashamed, Katrynn? Is that what this is?” Dana came to her daughter’s side.

  Something shifted in Katrynn’s eyes. John had seen that look before—at Carmen and Theo’s house, just outside their pantry. And in the Reading Room at the bookshop, on the night of Calhoun’s release party.

  He nearly took a step backward.

  Katrynn spun hard on her heel, so hard that her ponytail flew. “Of course I’m ashamed! Mom, God! I just introduced you to him, and before he made it all the way into the house, you have him building you a fucking garage? And who is that kid?! Why are you fucking that kid?! Did you case the fucking high school to find him? Why do you let Dad run off and just take it?! I know you hate it, but you just shut up and take it! And then you move strangers in to fuck so you’re not alone! How is any of this okay?! How is anybody ever going to love me when this is where I came from?!”

  She stopped, breathless and distraught, an
d gaped at John and her mother. Then, as if realizing what she’d said, she threw her hands to her mouth and ran—around the house and to the front.

  Dana stood there and watched her go. John wanted to go after Katrynn, and he knew that was where he belonged, but her mother looked very pale and fragile, and he was worried about stepping away from her.

  A.J. was still sitting on the swing, staring at the remnants of the scene. “Dude!” John called out. “Get over here.”