Three good giants

by Franqois Rabelais

  After a few months passed in Paris — studying and gaining great stores of knowledge all the time,—Pantagruel, in reply to one who asked him what he thought of the city, answered drily, that while " Paris was a very good place to live in, it was a very bad place to die in."

  CHAPTER XXV.

  PANTAGRUEL FINDS PANURGE, WHOM HE LOVES ALL HIS LIFE.

  ONE day Pantagruel was strolling outside the city-walls towards the Abbey St. Antoine. While engaged in philosophical talk with his own people, and several students besides, he happened to see, coming along the road, a young man of fine height and handsome presence, who looked so bloody and so woebegone, and whose clothes hung around him in such tatters and rags, that he seemed to have barely escaped with his life from a pack of mad dogs. As soon as his eyes fell upon the man, Pantagruel said to his attendants : —

  " Do you see that man yonder, coming from Charanton Bridge ? By my faith, he is poor only in fortune. As far as I can judge by his features, Nature has given that man a rich and noble lineage."

  When the stranger had come up to them, Pantagruel said to him : " My good friend, I beg you to stop a moment, and answer a few questions which I am about to ask you. You will not repent it if you do so, as I feel a strange desire to aid you in the distress in which I see you, for you excite my pity. Before all, my friend, tell me who you are ? Where do you come from ? What do you seek ? And what is your name ? " The stranger then answered him : — In German —

  To which Pantagruel, not knowing a single word, replied : — "My friend, I don't quite understand this gibberish. If you want us to get at your meaning, speak to us in another language."

  Then the stranger spoke : —

  In Arabic —

  " Ha ! Do you know what he is saying, Master ? " cried Pantagruel to Epistenion.

  Epistemon's answer was a shake of the head.

  Then in Italian —

  To which Master Episternon only said : " As much of one as of the other, and nothing of either."

  Then the solitary wanderer spoke : —

  In English —

  What he said in a very strange English was : " Lord, if you be so vertuous of intelligence, as you be naturally releaved to the body, you should have pity of me ; for nature hath made us equal, but fortune hath some exalted, and others deprived; nevertheless is vertue often deprived, and the vertuous men despised; for before the last end none is good."

  "Ho ! still less," cried poor Pantagruel.

  Then the Basque —

  Caparlim, Pantagruel's valet, thought he caught something familiar here, but the stranger went on as if nothing had been said.

  In a rattling unknown language —

  " Do you speak a Christian tongue, my friend, or do you make your lingo as you go along ? " asked Epistemon, who was beginning to get rather tired.

  Then in Dutch —

  " Quite as bad as the others !" muttered Pantagruel under his breath.

  Then in Spanish —

  " See here, my friend," retorted Pantagruel, who in his turn was getting tired, "I have not the slightest doubt that you are master of various languages. But all I ask is that you should tell us what you want to say in some tongue which we can understand."

  Then in Danish —

  "I think," said Eusthenes, "the old Goths must have spoken, that way."

  Then in a sonorous tongue —

  Here Master Epistemon thought it right to say : " This time I have caught his meaning. What he has just said is in the old Hebrew, rhetorically pronounced."

  Then in Greek —

  "Oh! That's Greek. I know it. How long didst thou stay in Greece ?" asked the valet Carpalim, who had once been in that country.

  1 Low Breton tongue—

  Then the It was now

  Pantagruel's turn to say: "It seems to me that I un-

  PANTAGRUEL MEETS PANURGE.

  derstand what you are trying to say; for it is the tongue of my own country, of Utopia, or something very like it."

  But, just as he was beginning to say something more, the stranger broke out again ; —

  In the Latin language —

  "That's all very well, my friend, but can't you speak French?" " Certainly, and very well, too, an it please you, my lord," answered the man. "By good luck, the French is at once my natural and maternal language. I was born in the garden of France, — fair Toulouse."

  "Then you are a Frenchman ! Let us know at once what is your name. If you satisfy me in this, you need never wander from my company, and we shall be one to the other, as ^Eneas and Achates."

  " Sir," said the stranger, "my name in baptism was Panurge. I have just come home from Turkey, where I had the misfortune of being made a prisoner in the expedition against Metelin. I have ever so many good stories to tell Your Highness, more marvellous than those of Ulysses. As you are gracious enough to promise to keep me among your friends, I protest that I shall never leave you. I beg your pardon, my lord, I want one word more. I am desperately hungry, my teeth being very sharp, and my throat very dry. A dinner just now would be just as good as a balsam for sore eyes."

  Pantagruel, on hearing these words from the stranger, was delighted. He at once ordered that a full meal should be got ready. This being set before him Panurge, who hadn't eaten for two whole days, stuffed himself and went to bed with the roosters, and never woke up until dinner-time next day, when he leaped from his bed, and, without so much as washing his face, reached the dining-room in three hops and one jump.

  CHAPTER XXVI.

  PANTAGRUEL BEATS THE SORBONNE IN ARGUMENT, AND PANURGE PROVES THAT AN ENGLISHMAN'S FINGERS ARE NOT SO NIMBLE AS A FRENCHMAN'S.

  WHILE Pantagruel was at Paris, he was receiving, every now and then, letters from his father, which were so kind, and so full of good advice to him to improve himself in the Languages, that he had not the heart to neglect them, even had he wished. One day, after laughing more than usual at one of Panurge's pranks, — and his new friend had turned out a queer fish indeed, — he thought it was right to see how much he had really learned. The very next day, therefore, at all the crossings of the city he posted, with his own hand, nine thousand seven hundred and sixty-four propositions, challenging all the wise men of Paris to argue with him, and show where, and in what, and how far, any of his propositions was wrong. At so bold a defiance, the wise men of Paris puckered their foreheads, opened wide their nostrils, breathed heavily, and ended by accepting the challenge. They thought that a Giant's strongest point was his body ; but Pantagruel very soon proved to them that he was stronger than all of them, bunched together, in brains.

  It was at the gates of Sorbonne itself — the great University — that Pantagruel, flushed with victory, next knocked. Sorbonne was not too proud to meet the bold Giant from Utopia in a fair combat, not of blows, but of words. For six weeks, Pantagruel maintained his theses against all the theologians, from four o'clock in the morning until six o'clock in the evening, with the exception of two hours

  allowed for refreshment. The contest made a great noise in the court, and most of the lords, masters of requests, presidents, counsellors, bankers, secretaries, lawyers, together with the doctors and professors of the great city, came to hear the learned talk day after day. Among all these there were, of course, some very headstrong and restive, who must needs take a hand in helping the theologians to puzzle Pantagruel; but, at the end, they themselves were routed, the most learned doctors of the Sorbonne along with all the rest.

  From that time, everybody began to talk about Pantagruel's wonderful knowledge, — as, before that, all the talk had been about his monstrous size, — even to the wash-women, roast-meat sellers, penknife-makers, and others, who, whenever they would catch a sight of him on the street, would poke each other in the ribs and call out: " Oh, look, there he goes!" Pantagruel would have been blind if he had not seen these good people nudge one another, and deaf if he had not heard what they were saying. He certainly was very much pleased; but that is not at all strange, sin
ce Demosthenes, the prince of Greek orators, felt the same when once, in passing along a street in Athens, an old hag pointed her skinny fingers sharp at him, screaming : " That's the man ! "

  So great did Pantagruel's fame become in Paris that, whenever there was a law-nut harder to crack than usual, the parties would appeal to him to decide between them, and his decisions were always so just that, strange to say, both sides would go away satisfied,— which is a thing hard to be believed, since the like is not to be seen for thirteen Jubilees. His reputation also went abroad, and, in consequence, attracted the attention of a wise Englishman named Thau-mastes, who came all the way from England with the sole intention of seeing Pantagruel, and testing for himself if his knowledge was so great as had been told. On reaching Paris, Thaumastes asked where Pantagruel lodged, and, on being informed, went to the St. Denis Hotel, where he found him walking in the garden with Panurge on his arm. When his eyes first fell on the Giant, he was almost out of his senses for fear, seeing him so big and so tall. At last he managed to pluck up courage enough to salute him very courteously.

  "Very true it is, mighty Sir," he said, "what Pluto, prince of philosophers, once declared, that, if the image of Science were corporeal enough to be brought in all her beauty before the eyes of men, she would excite in all the world great wonder. I came disposed to wonder; now, seeing, I do more — I admire. Having heard of your renown I have left country, home,

  AT THE GATES OP SORBONN'E.

  and kinsmen, and have, in spite of the long journey and the hardships of crossing the sea, presented myself here with the sole purpose of seeing you, and consulting you upon some passages of Philosophy in which I believe, and yet cannot be sure, that I am right. If you will only deign to solve my doubts, I hereby declare myself your slave. But I beg to make plain one point, and that is, that I wish to dispute through signs only, without speaking.

  I shall be found, if it suits Your Magnificence, in the great hall of Navarre, at seven o'clock to-morrow morning."

  Pantagruel, although by no means sure that he knew how to argue with his fingers, replied with his usual grace to the courteous Englishman, paying him many compliments for his design of carrying on a

  THAUMASTES VISITS PANTAGRUEL.

  great disputation by signs <6 only. After which, Thaumastes, who, by the way, had not quite got over his fear of the Giant, went straight to the Cluny Hotel, where he lodged, declaring when he reached there that he had never felt so thirsty in all his life. He swore to the landlord that he thought that terrible

  THE GREAT COLLEGE WAS PACKED.

  Pantagruel was even then clutching him by his throat — so very dry and ready to choke he was.

  On his side, too, Pantagruel was grievously disturbed. He did nothing in the first part of his sleep, that night, but dream about books with hard Latin titles, and visions of phantom hands hovering in the air around his head, and making passes under his very nose. All he could do was to turn and twist, and twist and turn again, in his bed, and groan, so dolefully, that Panurge, rudely wakened from his first nap, ventured to come into the room.

  "My lord," he said, as he approached the bed, "don't trouble yourself about this matter. Turn on your right side like a good Christian, and go to sleep. With your permission, I shall answer Mr. Englishman to-morrow. By my faith ! I never yet saw an Englishman who knew what to do with his fingers !"

  Pantagruel was, of course, delighted to hear this. He knew how sharp Panurge was, and how far he could go beyond other men. But somehow he still had his misgivings; and so he turned his big body around for the last time and went to sleep, only to be haunted all night long by Latin books with hard names, and a plague of mocking fingers making signs under his nose.

  The next morning, the great College of Navarre was packed with people to hear the famous dispute between the Giant and the Englishman.

  As soon as Pantagruel and Panurge reached the hall, all the professors and students began, as was their custom, to clap with their hands. But Pantagruel shouted out at the top of his voice, which sounded as if a double cannon had been of a sudden shot off: "Peace, all! If you trouble me here, I shall cut off the heads of every one of you." At this terrible threat, the crowd stood amazed, and did not dare even cough. The fact is, they grew so thirsty, all of a sudden, that their tongues dropped out from their throats as if Pantagruel, instead of stepping on the platform, had gone from one to the other salting them all.

  When everything was quiet, Panurge stepped forward with a pleasant smile, and addressed the Englishman in these words : —

  It I am only an insignificant pupil of my royal master, Prince Pantagruel, whose reputation, here and elsewhere, is so noble and so exalted; but I swear that I shall convince thee that, in all signs made in the sacred name of Science, I am thy master, and can give thee all the lessons thou mayst need."

  "Is that so?" cried Thaumastes ; "then, let us begin !"

  It was a battle of signs, as we know already, not of words. The Englishman made the first sign.

  Some people thought at the time that Panurge, in his answer, showed rather too plainly the low opinion he had of his learned antagonist's skill in finger-moving. He suddenly raised his right hand in air, then put the thumb inside of his right nostril while keeping the four fingers stretched out, but close together in a line parallel with the tip of his nose — meanwhile closing the left eye completely, and depressing

  THE DISPUTATION.

  the right eye. Then he raised on high his left hand, with close pressing and extension of the four fingers and elevation of the thumb, holding his left hand in a straight line with his right, with about a cubit and a half between them.

  The Englishman answered, without seeming to understand this sign of Pan urge.

  Then Panurge replied.

  Then the Englishman.

  Then Panurge.

  Then both other, and with the neatest, the beautiful, the most speaking, made, one after the the greatest rapidity, most skilful, the most most dazzling, the so to say, signs, all in

  PANURGE REPLIES.

  the name of Science, but all so much in favor of Panurge, with the little talking devil there is in French fingers, that Thaumastes became so confounded that he began to blow like a goose, and finally gave up the fight. But the Englishman, when he had been beaten, was honest enough to say so. Rising from his seat, while gallantly taking off his cap, he thanked Panurge in a low tone. Then, with a loud voice, he addressed the learned assembly : —

  "My lords, at this time, I can surely say that you have an incomparable treasure in your presence. I refer to my Lord Pantagruel, whose fame alone brought me here from the other end of England. But you can better judge how learned the master must be since I find so much skill in his pupil, for I have always heard that the scholar is never above the master."

  It is said that the Englishman, after his defeat, was well and honorably treated by Pantagruel. It was also whispered that Thaumastes, on his return to England, caused to be printed in London a book which contained all the signs and the meanings of the Great Disputation, but of which, strange to say, no copy has reached this day.

  CHAPTER XXVII.

  WHAT SORT OF MAN PANURGE WAS, AND THE MANY TRICKS HE KNEW.

  THE new friend and attendant of Panta-gruel was, as has already been seen, a man of good presence, neither too tall nor too short. His nose was a fine aquiline, so fine and sharp, indeed, that its curve was said by even his best friends to look for all the world like the blade of a razor. He was thirty-five years old, or thereabout, and was the gayest, maddest, most reckless roisterer that gay, mad, reckless, roistering Paris had ever welcomed within her walls. His purse never knew what it was to be full. For, although he had, as he was fond of boasting, as many as sixty-three different ways of getting money, he always had two hundred and fourteen different ways of spending it. The fact is, Panurge had as many cunning ways as a monkey, and could have taught the wisest and grayest old monkey in the forest tricks of which he, in his simplici
ty, had never once dreamed. He made it a point never to go abroad without having a flask of good wine and a fat, juicy slice of bacon hidden away under his gown, saying, ''These are my body-guard. I have no other sword." But if he had one special weakness, it was the bitter hatred he bore against the sergeants and the city-watch of Paris. Of course, these little eccentricities all came out in time, and so became gradually known to Pantagruel, who often frowned on them, but could not, for the life of him, each time he heard of a new prank, help shaking the houses within a mile around, with the rumble of his hearty laughter.

  It was one favorite custom of Panurge to gather three or four good fellows, and make them drink like Templars toward nightfall, when he would lead them to the high ground just above the church St. Genevieve, or near the college of Navarre, about the hour the city-watch were taking their rounds on the low ground below. He could always make sure of the hour of the guard by laying a sword down on the pavement, with his ear very close to it; and when he would hear the sword hum, he knew that the watch were coming. As soon

  PANURGE GETS MONET.

  as he had made sure of that, he and his companion would begin to push one of the dirt-carts, always about there, with all their strength, into the hollow, where it would come tumbling down on the unhappy watch, who, by that time, had just reached the spot, setting them to rolling and knocking about in the dust like so many swine. Of course, the party would then scamper off in a hurry, as Panurge — who, besides having a mortal dread of blows, was a born coward — had, after two days, learned to know every street, crossing, lane, and alley in Paris.

  Another time he would drop along some good, level place where the unlucky watch were obliged to pass, a long train of powder, and, then, after finding a safe hiding-place, when they had come, he would fire the train at his end, lau^h a loud laugh while he watched their antics in scurrying away, thinking all the time that good St. Anthony was tugging away at their legs. Now, Panurge was a very wise man, but, in spite of all his learning, he dearly loved to plague those whom he ought certainly to have most respected, — I mean the Masters of Arts and the students of the Universities. Whenever he would meet one of these on the street, he was sure to do him some mischief, such as pinning to his back little fox-tails, hare's ears, or some such roguery.