Losing Herself: Surrender

by Roberts, Alicia

  Emily imagined them meeting again, but this time not for any professional purposes. He wasn’t going to be her boss, so she was free to think of him any way so wanted. She imagined their lips meeting, Nate crushing her against his strong chest. The way he kissed her… the way his hands roamed across her body…

  Emily felt slightly feverish, the intensity of her imagination was strange and powerful. In a few seconds, she found her vibrator. She peeled off her skirt and panties, and lay under the covers holding the vibrator against her throbbing clitoris.

  The powerful sensations sent ripples up her spine, and she imagined it was Nate who was teasing her clit. He would use his fingers, and twirl them around, and then move them lower and thrust them into her drenched entrance. Emily moaned softly as the toy entered her, and she imagined it was Nate, pleasing her the way she wanted. His eyes were intense and he stared at her, watching her as he pleasured her, kissing her nipples and then watching as she moaned and clenched and then finally the climax burst inside her, exploding like a firework and leaving her weak and exhausted when it was over.

  Emily opened her eyes, feeling a lot better. Now the vision of Nate was gone, and she remembered once more that she’d just blown an important interview. But she felt a lot better now, and she smiled as she imagined Nate kissing her gently on the lips. Though they’d only talked briefly, Emily felt like she knew him well. He was so intense, so powerful in an understated way. And he seemed to know her.

  Emily headed into the shower, grabbing some clothes on the way. Sure, she’d just lost a potential job, but until the final interview stage, until she met that snide receptionist, things had been going well. She’d come so close. That meant she wasn’t a total loser. She knew she’d get a good job soon.

  ***

  The next morning, Emily slept in. Her cell phone rang at around 10 am, and she looked at it groggily, expecting it to be her mother. She hadn’t told her mom about the terrible interview yet, and she wasn’t sure if she could deal with that conversation right now. But the number that appeared wasn’t one she knew, so cleared her throat, sat up in bed, and tried to sound alert.

  “Hello, this is Emily Miller.”

  “Emily, this is Jim from Alpha Investments, we spoke yesterday. How are you?”

  Emily’s heart thumped loudly and suddenly she was wide awake. Dear Lord, perhaps they were calling her in for another interview. Or maybe she’d left something behind at the office yesterday, it was probably nothing to get excited about. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down.

  “Emily, are you there?”

  “Oh, yes, sorry Jim, I’m doing well. How are you?”

  “Good, good. I was wondering if you’re still interested in that internship position?”

  Oh God. Her heart was thumping loudly again, but she tried to stay calm and answer properly. “Yes Jim, I’m very interested. Is there another round of interviews ahead?”

  Jim laughed briefly, and said, “No, I’m calling to offer you the position. So?”

  Emily squealed and jumped out of bed, unable to control herself and Jim laughed again. “I assume that means yes?”

  “Yes, yes, sorry about that. I’m so excited! Are you serious?”

  “Yes, I am. Can you come into the office next Monday? We have an orientation day lined up, so you’ll be signing the contract, getting your new ID card, and having a brief tour. I’ll see you then.”

  “Yes, you will! Thank you, Jim!”

  They hung up and Emily squealed softly again. She wanted to do a jig, she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, but she lived in a tiny apartment in New York, and if she did those things, her neighbors would complain.

  She walked excitedly out of her bedroom, looking for Isabel, but her housemate had already gone to work. Isabel was a secretary at a small accounting firm in Manhattan, and had been living in New York for four years now. She was also the daughter of family friends, and Emily knew that her mom felt safer, thinking that Emily was with the daughter of someone she knew.

  The person she really needed to talk to was her mom. It was a conversation she’d been trying to avoid – Laura Miller could be tactless, and her frequent reminders to “look for a nice job” didn’t help.

  A sudden bout of loneliness hit her – she’d received such wonderful news, but didn’t know who to share it with. To postpone calling her mother, she dressed slowly, and made herself a breakfast sandwich.

  A few bites in, her phone rang. This really was a day of unexpected phone calls. Groaning inwardly, thinking it was her mom, Emily grabbed her phone and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was the owner of the diner, Su-Jin, calling her. One of the waitresses had fallen sick – Su-Jin wanted her to come in that night, and to work double shifts the next few days.

  “Prefect,” she said, “It’ll be great to earn a bit extra.”

  Normally, she’d have felt conflicted about working extra at the diner – sure, she’d earn more, but she’d also lose opportunities for job-hunting. So Su-Jin sounded a bit surprised at her enthusiasm, but said he was glad she was free.

  Tapping her feet happily, Emily finished up her breakfast and started packing her bag for work. Things seemed to be finally looking up! The extra work at the diner came at a perfect time, and it would be good to save a bit of money.

  The one cloud marring her horizon was the fact that she’d need to call her mother. Might as well get it over with.

  Her mom answered after one and a half rings. “Emily!” she said, sighing loudly. “I was starting to get worried about you.”

  Emily rolled her eyes, knowing her mother couldn’t see her. The theatrics had gotten annoying by the time she was three years old. “I just talked to you a few days back.”

  “Yes sweetheart, but I tried to call you yesterday and your phone was off. Didn’t you get my voicemail message?”

  “Yes, that’s why I’m calling you today.”

  “Would it hurt to call me back sooner? You know I worry about you.”

  “I was tired.”

  “Well of course,” her mother scoffed, “Doing God-knows-what in New York City.”

  Emily took a deep breath. “You know what I do. I work at the diner and I look for jobs. I don’t have time for anything else.”

  “Well, apparently not even to call your poor mother.”

  “I was busy, Mom. I had an interview.”

  “Oh my goodness! Finally! How did it go, how much do they pay? Did you get the job?”

  “It’s an internship, so it doesn’t pay much. But yes,” Emily smiled happily, “I got it.”

  Her mother was silent for a moment and then said, “Hmm.”

  Worry pricked at Emily. “It’s at a very successful hedge fund, Alpha Investments. It’s a really prestigious position.”

  “If it’s so prestigious, why don’t they pay better?”

  Emily tried to choke back her snort. “It leads to a full-time position after six months. They take you on as an intern to make sure you’re a good fit, and they give you the time to learn.”

  “You know Denise’s daughter moved to New York five years ago and she got a job straight away.”

  “This isn’t five years ago, Mom, the economy’s –”

  “Yes, yes the economy, you keep bringing it up. But I really worry if you’re looking for the right jobs. Your father and I can’t keep supporting you forever…”

  Emily bit her tongue to keep from saying something mean. It was very nice of her parents to pay her rent. Not everyone’s parents would do that. But she was sick of Laura’s hanging it over her head.

  And she knew for a fact that the economy really wasn’t that great: Isabel had a degree from a great university and had only managed to get work as a secretary. “Lower your expectations,” she’d advised Emily when she’d first moved in. “I used to think that I’d be CEO of a large company someday, but now I’m just happy to have work that pays.”

  Why couldn’t her mom just be happy for her? She was clo
se to blowing her fuse, and she needed to hang up before she lost it.

  “I have to go, Mom. I have a shift at the diner. And I’ll be working extra shifts till Monday,” she added, “So I won’t be able to call you before then.”

  “Well.” Her mother sounded disappointed, and Emily felt guilty for having been so abrupt.

  “I’ll call you Monday right after my first day, ok? Love you.”

  Laura sighed. “Bye then.”

  Emily changed, grabbed her bag and headed out in a fit of annoyance. Not only was her mother not supportive of her new internship, Laura managed to make her doubt her career trajectory. Why couldn’t her mother be happy for her and proud of her like most other mothers were?

  Somehow, Emily found herself on 5th Avenue, wandering past the boutiques with their minimalistic window displays, wondering what clothes would go well with her new job. The only objection Nate had to her was that she might not fit in with the culture, and if she had the right outfit, maybe she’d at least look like she belonged.

  A few minutes later, Emily purchased her first Prada suit. It was a gorgeous black one with subtle pinstripes, and it cost her more than $1500, which she put on her credit card. She tried not to wince when the cost was rung up, and she told herself it was worth it.

  There wasn’t time to buy anything else, and when she entered the diner armed with her large Prada shopping bag, the other waitresses, Serena and Shirley whooped with laughter.

  “Someone’s just discovered retail therapy,” Serena teased, and Emily laughed happily.

  Serena and Shirley were the closest she’d come to making friends in New York. “I got a new job,” she told them happily. The girls stared at her wide-eyed. “Well, it’s not really a job,” she amended, “It’s an internship. Alpha Investments.”

  “Omigod!” Shirley rushed forward to hug her, and Serena followed.

  “I’m so happy for you! Congrats!”

  “Thanks guys.” Emily laughed happily, a bit embarrassed by their obvious shows of affection. Now, why couldn’t her mother have reacted like that?

  “So when’s your last day?” Shirley asked. “We’ll have to celebrate your leaving this dump!”

  “Sunday,” Emily told them, “I’m doing double shifts until I start my new j- internship.”

  “That’s wonderful,” Serena said, “At least we’ll get to see you a bit. Because after Monday, we’ll probably never see you again.”

  “Don’t be silly!” Emily said, “Of course we’ll keep in touch – you guys are my friends.”

  “Aww, that’s sweet – now I guess I better go see what table 7 wants.”

  A couple of hours later, on her break, Emily checked her phone messages. Isabel had texted her thrice: Hey babe, wanna grab drinks? And then a while later: What’s up, r u free or not? And finally: Should I be worried? Where r u?

  Emily smiled to herself. Isabel might act tough and have questionable taste in men, but she really did seem to care about Emily. At work, Emily texted back, Shift ends at eleven, drinks after that?

  Within seconds she got her reply: Sure, I’ll stop by the diner.

  Isabel stopped by a few minutes before eleven, just as they were cleaning up. Emily took a few minutes to tell Isabel her news, and Isabel smiled broadly. For a split-second, Emily thought she caught a glimpse of something strange in Isabel’s eyes – was it sorrow, jealousy or anger?

  But then she blinked, and that look was gone, and Isabel was hugging her tight. “I knew you’d do it!” she squealed. “You’ve really got it all figured out.”

  Once their work was over, Isabel convinced Shirley and Serena to come along to celebrate, and soon the four of sitting around a table in a dimly lit “Dessert Bar”, a place with a small dance floor that served amazing desserts. They shared two gigantic slices of black forest cake and had a glass of champagne each, and Shirley, Serena and Isabel seemed genuinely thrilled for her.

  After her second glass of champagne, Emily said, “This is the best day of my New York life so far.”

  “It only gets better,” Shirley replied.

  Emily hoped she was right.

  Chapter Three

  On Monday morning, Emily discovered that she had butterflies in her stomach. She woke before it was light outside, and after tossing and turning for a bit, she decided to go and get to the office early.

  Knowing that she’d be working at Alpha Investments, and the reality of actually going to work there, were two different things. She’d prepared as best she could – the Prada suit fit her perfectly, and Shirley had shown her how to apply makeup properly so that her freckles were hidden, her cheekbones looked higher, and her eyes looked larger and brighter. It took half an hour to get her makeup perfect, but Emily figured it was worth it. The staff at the diner and Su-Jin had chipped in to get her a “farewell” present – a pair of gorgeous, cubic zirconia stud earnings that looked just like real diamonds. Isabel told Emily that she was welcome to borrow her GHD hair iron whenever she wanted, so now her usually-unruly curls looked sleek and straight instead.

  By the time she got to the office, it was just after seven o’clock, and she looked like a completely different person. Emily decided that it was far too early to head upstairs, so she lingered in the ground floor public atrium, and took in her surroundings. Alpha Investments occupied several top floors at 590 Madison Avenue, but when Emily came for her interviews, she’d always rushed through the building and hadn’t noticed her surroundings.

  Today, she sat quietly in one corner of atrium and watched a ballet troupe practice their routine on the other side. The dancers’ movements were fluid and graceful, and Emily soon found herself engrossed in their dance.

  Just when she was starting to relax, she noticed a familiar figure heading towards one of the elevators. Emily grabbed her bag without thinking, and walked quickly towards him.

  Nate was dressed in a dark grey suit, and even from a distance, Emily couldn’t help but feel his magnetic presence. He reminded her of a quiet, powerful predator who relied purely on instinct.

  In the past few days, Emily had gone through article after article about Nate Steele. After all, she needed to know about the man she worked for. What she’d found out surprised her – Nate Steele was a man of many contradictions. He ran his business with ruthless efficiency, but he donated generously to various charities. His net worth was extremely high, but he once said in an interview that he didn’t care about luxuries. He was frequently seen partying with celebrities and travelling around the world, but few people claimed to know him very well.

  In business, Nate often took on contrary positions in his investments, betting against the common sentiment and often winning. Nate liked to know the companies he held positions in, inside and out, and he had made quite a few enemies along the way.

  There were numerous articles about Nate’s personal life. There were quite a few photos of him on the red carpet, escorting some starlet or the other. Gossip magazines speculated about his relationships, or lack thereof – apparently, he was never seen with the same girl on his arm more than a few times. Reading those articles had made Emily feel depressed and relieved at the same time: clearly Nate only dated red-hot airheads, so she would never get to enact her fantasies about him. Which was a good thing, she told herself: she needed a job more than she needed wild sex.

  Nate turned around just before pressing the elevator button, and as their eyes met, Emily felt a shiver run through her veins. His eyes: she would never get used to them. They were so dark and penetrating, and they took in everything about her.

  In an instant, Emily regretted trying to catch the same elevator as Nate. What had she been thinking? She’d just thought it was a good idea to get some face time with her new boss. It had nothing to do with the fact that she found him ridiculously attractive – she remembered the fantasy of him kissing her, and stroking her, and forcefully pushed those images out of her mind.

  “You made it,” Nate said drily, as they waited for
the elevator to arrive.

  Why did he sound so amused? Nate glanced back at her, and Emily regretted looking so dressed up and different. She felt like a schoolgirl chasing her crush, even though she was only dressed up for work.

  “Thank you for hiring me,” she said awkwardly.

  “Thank HR. They convinced me. And if it doesn’t work, there’s always Brandon.”

  “Oh.” So he still wasn’t sure if she fit in there. She didn’t know what he meant by “Brandon”.

  Emily’s mind went blank. She wanted to say something charming, something witty and intelligent and insightful, something that would miraculously turn her internship into a full-time job. But instead, she felt confused and tongue-tied. So much for impressing the boss, she thought bitterly, as they stepped into the elevator and Nate pressed “41”.

  There was no-one else in the elevator at this hour. Nate leaned against one of the steel walls, and Emily stood as close as possible to the opposite wall. The shiny box was as large as an elevator could be, but even then, she felt like she was standing too close to him, and the air between them felt hot and intoxicating.

  As the elevator inched its way up, Emily could feel Nate’s eyes on her.

  Finally, he said softly, “You didn’t need to get all Prada-ed and plastic-ed up just to work here.”

  “I wanted to fit in.” The words were out before she could stop herself, and Emily wanted to kick herself – she sounded like a nerdy girl wanting to hang out with the cool kids.

  The corners of Nate’s lips went up. “You didn’t have to get into debt to buy a suit.” The elevator reached his floor and he stepped out, and then turned to look at her. “You look great either way.”

  And then he turned and walked away, and the elevator doors closed behind him.

  For a very long time, Emily was aware only of the loud thumping of her heart. Nate Steele had said she looked great! Was that a compliment, or did he just say that to all new recruits? The elevator still smelled slightly of his cologne, and Emily recalled the way his eyes twinkled darkly when he smiled.