Minions

by Minions- The Junior Novel (retail) (epub)

  The Minions ran away from the police officers that were chasing them. Bob ran all the way toward a platform in the city square. A plaque beside it read THE SWORD IN THE STONE. He approached the platform and grabbed a sword that was wedged inside a giant boulder.

  He clutched it tight, and the sword flew out. Then he turned to face the police. He was about to use it to fend them off, but the entire crowd was silent. The clouds above parted. A light shone down between them, casting Bob in a heavenly glow. A choir of young boys began singing a hymn.

  It had long been said that no one except a true king could pull the sword from the stone. Centuries had passed, and the sword had stayed there. But now, after so many years, Bob had done it. He was the king on high, the only worthy ruler of England.

  The massive crowd dropped down to one knee, bowing before him.

  Chapter Eight

  A reporter stood outside Buckingham Palace, watching as Bob’s limo pulled up the long driveway. “One of England’s most famous myths has become a reality, as a new king has been crowned,” he said, talking into the camera. “Bob, who appears to be a bald, jaundiced child, has pulled the famed sword right from its stone, which, legend dictates, makes him the new king.”

  At the lair, Scarlet was watching the broadcast. “Tiny yellow traitors!” she shouted, kicking over her TV. She angrily got into her Scarlet-Jet. She would teach those Minions to cross her.

  Back at the palace, a line of guards stood by the palace entrance. Bob stepped out of his car, and the men all dropped to one knee. Per his request, they were all wearing neon-yellow outfits and blue overalls. They even had their own sets of black goggles.

  “Awwwww, buddies!” Bob yelled, hugging each of the guards as he went past. “Buuuuddies!!!” They looked like all his friends from back in the cave. Even though he’d only been at the palace for a few minutes, it already felt like home.

  Bob walked through the palace halls, Stuart and Kevin trailing behind him. They made their way up to one of the balconies that looked over the crowds below. The French doors were wide open. Bob could see the overcast sky. He could hear the cheers of the English people outside. They were waiting for him—their king, their master.

  Bob approached the podium and took a deep breath, preparing to speak to his followers for the first time. He stared at the old couples with their canes and walkers, the families huddled together in heavy coats, and the young ones holding up signs for him. These were his followers now… his Minions. He met their gaze and said the deepest, most profound words that came into his head. “King Bob!!!”

  “King Bob!!!” the crowd shouted back.

  He went on to give a rousing speech. It was a shame no one understood a word of it. When he was finally done, the crowd stared back at him blankly. “King Bob!” Bob yelled again. The people cheered, applauding again.

  The Minions enjoyed their freedom in the palace. They’d never had luxuries like this, no matter who their masters were. They had an unlimited supply of all the best foods—roasted duck and plump caviar. They could go anywhere and do anything—Bob slid down the polished wood railings. He raced Kevin and Stuart through the halls. (They liked to see how many expensive statues they could knock over. The one of Queen Victoria was their favorite.)

  When they needed to go outside, they hopped on the palace corgis and went onto the lawn to play polo with the nobles. When they needed to be entertained, the palace guards put on a variety show, singing and dancing through the great hall. And when they just needed to relax, they hung out in the palace steam room.

  That was always a little awkward.

  Stuart liked to strut around in his neon thong.

  Kevin and Stuart watched as Bob had his portrait painted. They played in the hall, tossing the polo ball back and forth between the palace advisor’s legs. Kevin hit the ball across the room. Just then, the door swung open, and a familiar face appeared. The polo ball smacked Scarlet Overkill right in the nose.

  “How dare you!” she yelled, her face red. One of the corgis jumped into her arms and licked her face, not knowing how furious she was.

  “Scarlet!” Kevin cried, happy to see her.

  “Don’t you Scarlet me,” she fumed. “You backstabbing little traitors! Using Herb’s inventions to make yourselves king?”

  Herb appeared in the doorway behind her. “I feel used,” he said sadly. “I’m not going to lie.…”

  “You stole my dream!” Scarlet went on. “I was going to conquer England one day. There was going to be a coronation, and I was going to be made queen. Every moment was planned. I’d wear a dress so sparkly it glowed, and everyone who ever doubted me would be watching, and they would be crying. I was going to be the picture of elegance and class, and you pinheads screwed it up!”

  Kevin plucked the crown from Bob’s head and ran over to Scarlet, handing it to her. The truth was they liked living in the palace, but they had stolen the crown for her—everything else was an accident.

  “La crowna!” Kevin cried. “Para tu.”

  The royal advisor held up his hands. He was a stern-looking fellow with a thick mustache. “No, no!” he yelled. “You cannot just abdicate the throne. And you definitely cannot just give the job to this woman. There are laws!”

  “Laws?” Bob asked. “Maka te laws.”

  He pushed out the door, waving for the others to follow. He took the group all the way to Parliament, where the laws of England were made. If Scarlet wanted to be queen, she should be queen. After all, she was their master. Their fearsome leader. Their big boss.

  Who was he to stand in her way?

  Bob hopped over the wood bench in the middle of Parliament. He threw on a giant white wig that all the most official officials wore. Then he pounded the gavel on the table a few times.

  “La keena pota Scarlet po papiel!” he shouted, declaring Scarlet the queen of England.

  A reporter stood outside, watching the scene unfold. “King Bob has officially changed the law, clearing the way for Scarlet Overkill to be crowned Queen of England,” he said, frowning into the camera. “She will be coronated at London’s historic Westminster Abbey. If I wasn’t so polite, I’d say this spells certain doom for the country, if not the world. But I’m so very polite, that I will keep my big mouth shut.”

  Then the reporter lowered his voice, inching closer to the camera so only the audience could hear.

  “But seriously…,” he whispered, “we’re all in big trouble.”

  Just then, the broadcaster man from the VNC commercial hopped in front of the reporter. “Scarlet Overkill is the new Queen of England!” he said. “Criminals everywhere, come on down!”

  Chapter Nine

  As soon as they returned to the palace, Scarlet held a press conference. “I just want to thank the Minions for going above and beyond the call of duty,” she said to the reporters. “You are three tiny, golden, pill-shaped miracle workers, and you have stolen not just England, but my heart.”

  She turned to the Minions. “Come with me,” Scarlet said, leading them into the palace. Kevin took out his wallet and showed Scarlet the huge foldout section of pictures of his tribe. He asked, “Le buddies?”

  Scarlet eyed it carefully and said, “Wow, so many of you! Well, you’ll all get what you deserve.”

  The Minions skipped through the palace. This was it—finally their master would reward them for all their hard work. They had gotten her the crown, just like they promised, and she would be the Queen of England for years to come. Scarlet led them into the palace dining room, then through the kitchen, pointing to the stairwell at the far end, behind the refrigerator. Kevin, Stuart, and Bob had only taken a few steps down into the dark room when Scarlet slammed the door behind them.

  Slowly, their eyes adjusted to the dark. The stone room smelled like mold. There were chains and whips hanging on every wall. Metal torture devices were covered with dust and cobwebs. There was even a giant metal bed with a razor-sharp blade above it.

  She’d led th
em right into the palace dungeon.…

  Scarlet stared at them through the window in the door. She looked angry now, her face twisted with rage. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I hate you,” she sneered. “I thought I could get over what you did, but I feel so betrayed. I think, yes, I think we’re going to have to break up. And it’s not you… oh wait… hold on. It is you. It’s one hundred percent you.”

  The Minions turned back to all the medieval machines. The dungeon master was already there, wearing a pin-striped suit and a hood to hide his face. Stuart was shaking so much he could barely talk. Bob pulled Tim, his teddy bear, close.

  Scarlet looked at them one last time and smiled. “Get comfortable, Minions. Get real, real comfortable. Because this is where you’re going to spend the rest of your worthless little lives.”

  With that, she was gone. Kevin, Stuart, and Bob all huddled together by the door, afraid to take even one step into the room. The man in the hood turned to them.

  “All right, let’s do this!” he said cheerfully. “Scarlet wants you tortured, so that’s what we’re going to do. We’ve got knives, and pokers—”

  “Para tu?” Kevin asked, stepping forward. He looked at the man’s eyes under the hood. He could have sworn his voice was familiar… he could’ve sworn it was Herb. “Moca la Herb!”

  The man laughed. “Who’s this handsome Herb fella? No, my name is… uh… Blerb. I’m a, uh, dungeon master. Prepare for torture… which I do!”

  Within minutes, Blerb had them on the stretching rack, which pulled their hands and legs in opposite directions. The Minions stretched quite easily. In fact, it felt good.

  Blerb tried another machine, but that didn’t hurt the Minions, either. Instead, they broke free, swinging on the ropes in the dungeon, spinning up and around like they were circus performers.

  Stuart did an impressive triple flip.

  Kevin and Bob cheered.

  “There’s no laughing in the dungeon!” Blerb yelled. But even he was getting tired of this whole “torture” business. He couldn’t stretch the Minions; he couldn’t hang them up by their feet. Everything he did just made them laugh, like he was the most ridiculous dungeon master in the world. And it was kind of fun.

  Soon they were all goofing around together, taking pictures of the medieval equipment with Blerb’s Polaroid camera. Blerb made Kevin take a snapshot of him in the stockade, looking half dead. Then he took pictures of Kevin and Stuart playing with the giant axes on the wall. Blerb took a selfie that made it look like a spear was going straight through his head.

  The four of them kept jumping around on the equipment, swinging from the whips and chains. Suddenly, a voice crackled over the castle intercom. “Will the future king of England please come upstairs to prepare for the coronation?” Scarlet yelled.

  Blerb straightened up. He stared down at the Minions, suddenly serious. “Well… I hope you learned your lesson for the day.…”

  Then he turned and left the dungeon. But he popped his head in the door one more time, lowering his voice so Scarlet couldn’t hear. “And by the way… it was me, Herb, the whole time! I don’t even know anyone named Blerb!”

  The Minions laughed as Herb slipped out of the dungeon, the door falling shut behind him.

  Chapter Ten

  The Minions were trapped. They could hear things going on in the palace upstairs, but there was no way to get out, and the coronation would be starting shortly. They were looking around the dark, dank dungeon when Kevin noticed a sewer grate. That could be a way out. He and Stuart tried to pull the cover off, but it took some real effort. Finally, they opened it and crawled inside, Bob right behind them.

  They walked in the dark until they found a ladder that led up into another building. They peered out from under the floorboards, realizing they were in the middle of a funeral home. People were wearing black and crying. A coffin was just a few feet away. They ducked back down into the sewer, but not before Bob grabbed a wreath of flowers. “Para la Scarlet!” he said, dragging it behind him. It was the perfect present for when Scarlet was officially crowned queen.

  Kevin, Stuart, and Bob kept moving through the sewers. Along the way, Bob made friends with a pudgy little rat and decided to bring him along. With Tim in one arm and Poochie the rat dangling from the other, Bob followed Kevin and Stuart to the sewer exit near Westminster Abbey. It was the building where the coronation was taking place. They tried the front doors—they were already locked. Stuart rammed his head against the wood, but that didn’t really work. At all.

  They would have to climb the side of the building to get in. Kevin told Bob that it was time to say good-bye to Poochie, so Bob sang Poochie a beautiful parting song. “Okay, follow me!” Kevin cried, crawling into the rafters of the giant cathedral. Below them, the coronation ceremony had already begun.

  Scarlet had arrived at Westminster Abbey in a stunning dress. As she looked around, she saw all her favorite villains watching her walk down the aisle. Scarlet waved at Tina Nelson and then gave a shout-out to the old organ player, Edna. Once she was in the front of the cathedral, surrounded by all the villains from Villain-Con in the audience, she couldn’t help but smile. It was a dream come true.

  Bob was still lugging the giant flower wreath on his head as he climbed off the roof. Suddenly, a bee emerged from one of the roses and started circling around his head. He tried to swat it away, but it didn’t work. Stuart tried to smack it away but missed, hitting Bob in the goggles instead. The bug chased them off the rafters. Stuart and Bob ran… landing on the chandelier right above the altar.

  “Do you, Scarlet Overkill, solemnly promise…,” the archbishop said as he held the crown in his hands.

  The bee chased the Minions in circles, around and around the chandelier. Stuart and Bob kept running, trying to get away from it, but the more they ran, the more unsteady the chandelier became. The screw that held it to the roof came loose, and it started swinging back and forth. Kevin grabbed a support wire and climbed toward the chandelier. It looked like it might fall at any moment.

  Far below, Scarlet smiled as the archbishop stepped forward with the crown. “I proclaim thee, with great reservation, the Queen of England!”

  Kevin reached for his friends as the chandelier rocked back and forth. Hearing the commotion, Scarlet looked up in confusion. “Kevin?” she yelled.

  Before Kevin could respond, the chandelier came loose from the ceiling. He managed to grab Stuart and Bob before it plummeted to the ground. It slammed down right on top of Scarlet.

  “Scarlet! Scarlet, my queen!” Herb cried. “Someone help me!”

  The Minions couldn’t believe their eyes. They took hold of a nearby curtain and slid down it, into the massive crowd of villains. Some of the villains were helping Herb pull the chandelier off their master.

  Bob was still holding the flower wreath. He handed it to Herb before disappearing into the crowd. Kevin and Stuart were searching for the exit. Maybe they didn’t mean to hurt Scarlet, but they knew how this looked (not good).

  They were almost at the door when they heard a crash behind them. Scarlet shot up toward the ceiling of the great cathedral. She had been protected from the chandelier by her dress—a new state-of-the-art villain suit that Herb had designed for her. She hovered there, staring down at the Minions, her face red with rage.

  Kevin backed up, noticing how angry she was.

  She pointed a finger at him. “He. Tried. To. Kill. Me,” she said, barely able to get the words out.

  “No!” Kevin shouted. It had been an accident: Scarlet was their master—they’d never want to see her get hurt.

  But Scarlet wouldn’t listen. “Villains…,” she said, looking out at the crowd. “This is no longer a coronation. It’s an execution. Get them!”

  Chapter Eleven

  The Minions took off running. They turned down one of the stone corridors in the abbey, trying to lose the angry crowd, but the villains followed close behind them. When they got
to the end of the hall, they crashed through one of the stained glass windows. Seconds later, the villains came out of the cathedral, smashing through the brick wall.

  As the Minions took off into the streets of London, one of the villains hurled a grenade at them. It landed just a few feet away, exploding in a ball of flames. The Minions darted into a telephone booth, trying to hide, but a villain in a terrifying hockey mask chased them out of it with a chainsaw. Another villain in a Soviet tank emerged from the ground, coming after Kevin, Stuart, and Bob with a huge ax.

  “You’re mine!” the Soviet villain cried.

  “Stuart! Bob!” Kevin yelled when he got separated from his friends. Within seconds, he could no longer see them in the crowd. A villain with a long silver sword chased Kevin around and around a telephone pole, but Kevin managed to escape.

  He kept glancing back, waiting to see Stuart or Bob emerge from the crowd, but they never did. He’d hoped they’d found some other escape route. They must’ve broken away from the villains when he wasn’t looking. He kept running, his tiny legs sore from the effort, until he saw a pub up ahead. THE PIG’S SPLEEN read a sign out front. It seemed like a decent place to hide.

  He ducked inside, watching as the crowd of villains ran past. The pub was packed with people. A smaller group was huddled around a woman by the bar, laughing as she told them a joke.

  “Why did the queen go to the dentist?” the woman asked. “To get her teeth crowned!”

  Kevin recognized the woman’s voice immediately. “La queena!” he cried, listening as she told another joke. He walked right up to her, offering a small smile. “Uh… bello…,” he said.

  The queen narrowed her blue eyes at him. “Oh. It’s you,” she said. “Everyone, this is one of the little fellows who stole the monarchy from me. And how’s that working out for you?”