“Can I ask you what happened with Samuel, why didn’t you marry him?”
I ummed and ahhed in my head for a moment, but then decided it shouldn’t be a problem telling him, given he wasn’t freaking out about my current revelation.
“His last name is Voltaggio. He is in a rival family in New York. Different connections, different business, it’s all very complicated, but my father was absolutely against the marriage so much so, that if I didn’t agree to call it off, he said he would kill him. He came in with his associates who took me away from Samuel, and I was sent here as a compromise. Freedom for forgoing marriage.”
Clint rested his head on my chest and squeezed me tighter, “Do you think about him much? I mean do you wonder what could have been?”
“I will admit that I will always wonder. He was my first love and he was really good to me. His only fault was that he didn’t fight for me after he let me go. But I let him go too, so perhaps it was never meant to be.”
“I would have never let you go, and I won’t.”
I rested my chin on top of Clint's head and shut my eyes. “I’m not making excuses for Samuel but my world is complicated. It’s not that simple to take matters into your own hands. There are no empty threats. ”
“So you miss him?” Clint moved his head from out under my chin and turned his face up so he could see my eyes. He needed to see me to believe what I was about to say. He was still feeling insecure.
“Clint, since the moment I met you, there was no one else. Everything I thought I knew about love completely imploded and swallowed me up whole. This thing between us has consumed me body and soul.”
Clint looked at me like I had given him the greatest gift in the world, “I love you Lenorah Rossi.” He hugged me and I hugged him back.
“I love you too Clint, but I really do prefer Norah, and as far as you know, I’m still a Ross, alright. It’s much safer for me and for everyone else, OK.”
Clint kissed me softly, “I told you that you can trust me.” Clint’s eyes burned, his face shifting from adoration to hungry. Being straddled on top of him, I felt his excitement grow beneath me, even through the many layers of my dress. He then began to kiss my neck hard, sucking and biting gently as his mouth found its way up to mine.
Our mouths met with a new kind of passion that had emerged from our insecurities and secrets being fully exposed. We wanted each other so badly I could taste it in his mouth. The way he devoured my lips and my tongue sent my body into overdrive. It was an explosion of feelings that were now manifesting itself into sexual desire, and the need for our bodies wanting to come together as one was out of control.
Clint’s hand slid up under my dress and aggressively tore off my lace panties. I loved his forcefulness and moaned into his mouth as he ripped them from my body. My hands went to his pants, unzipping them and freeing him. I moved my dress and then repositioned myself so I could straddle him again and sit right on top of him. As I slid back down and he slid into me, we both groaned in relief at the sheer satisfaction of our bodies become one. I started to move on top of him, slowly at first but then faster. His hands were gripping me under my arms and on my back, helping me ride him. Our eyes didn’t leave each other. I watched his breathing increase, faster and faster. It didn’t take long for me to find my climax. He was deep inside me and after a couple more thrusts, I tilted my head back as I moaned loudly, finding my ultimate release. His hands gripped my back hard, “Oh Norah,” he moaned as he too found his release too.
We sat in an embrace for a long time, still connected as one. When we finally unwrapped our arms, I got off Clint’s lap, adjusted my dress, and started to open the car door after I heard it come unlocked. Clint remained seated in the driver’s seat. “Aren’t you coming up?” I asked as I climbed out of his car and watched him buckle up his belt on his trousers. There wasn’t a response so I poked my head back down through the window, “What are you doing Clint?” and then suddenly I thought that perhaps my admission had only just hit him now. “Don’t you want to stay?” I was getting a bit nervous from Clint’s ongoing silence.
“Norah, I have to go back to the party and make sure everything has settled down after that fight. Can I come back in a couple of hours?”
I was still a little worried about what was going on in his head. Was he about to do a runner?
“Yeah sure. Ummm, everything OK?” I felt exposed and vulnerable and could easily be hurt right now if Clint had changed his mind about me.
He flashed me a smile, “Everything is much better now. I love you and I’ll see you soon, alright. Can you leave your apartment door unlocked for me? I’ll try and be as quick as I can.” In seeing his sweet disposition return, I nodded and watched him drive away. I had to trust that he was being honest with me, even though there was a feeling of doubt lurking in the back of my head.
It would have been close to dawn when I felt Clint’s warm body slide in behind me in bed. His presence made me breathe a sigh of relief as I adjusted myself against him. He instantly pulled me closer.
“Norah, can I ask you something?” he whispered into my ear. I mumbled a bit as I tossed between being asleep and awake. He gently rocked me, trying to get my attention, and he brought me closer to his chest.
“Hmmm what’s that?” I said, still not completely conscious.
He nudged me a little more, “Growing up with, him. Was it difficult?”
My eyes flew open as I lay curled up in my bed, wondering where this line of questioning was coming from at this time of night. I pulled myself up and turned to Clint, whose eyes were glossy and wide. “What exactly are you asking me Clint? If I’m OK, because I’m fine.”
He moved towards me and cupped my face, “I am terrified of losing you. Terrified of you running away from me. If you have issues we need to discuss because we might be pulled away from each other, I want to know.” He looked a little scared.
“Is this about Samuel?”
And he shifted his glance so he was looking past me. “Kind of, I guess. I want to know what happens if your father doesn’t approve? What if you find out things about me you don’t like? What if you realize you still have feelings for Samuel or even Josh?”
My head tilted and I looked at Clint in astonishment. For such a confident young man in so many other ways, he certainly was acting incredibly insecure.
“Look, I get that my father probably scares you; he scares everyone, and no doubt dating his daughter may seem a overwhelming. If you are having reservations about me because of who my father is, then you need to tell me now, because I can’t change it, and it’s part of who I am, take it or leave it.”
Clint put his arm around me.“No, no, no Norah. That’s not a problem for me at all. I mean, it’s a little frightening, yes, but I know it doesn’t define you. You are a beautiful creature filled with everything that completes my shortfalls. I just know you are it for me. I never thought such a revelation would happen, and it’s a feeling I still find hard to grasp, but it’s happened to me. I don’t ever want to lose you is all.”
I stroked his face. “Clint, I told you I love you. To me, real love fights to survive. It endures pain and finds light when there is only darkness.” I ran my finger along his lips. “For me to say ‘I love you’ is me saying and believing all that and more. I don’t use words half-heartedly. Surely you must know that about me.”
Clint ran his hands down my back and then brought them back to my cheeks, holding my face again, his eyes burning. “I believe that too Norah. Since I met you, I’ve been thinking things about love and my future that I didn’t know I was capable of thinking about. I know I would fight for you, I would endure pain for you. There is nothing I wouldn’t do.”
He kissed me hard, passionately, with emotion and need from a part of him I had not seen him express to me before. He was vulnerable and could be fractured; a display of weakness I didn’t realize he had. It was quite alluring seeing him so frail, wanting more assurance, so much so it turned me on. I let my
hands wander over to his chest and I began to take off his shirt.
I drifted in and out of sleep until I heard loud banging on my front door. Looking at my clock, I saw it was seven in the morning. Clint was sound asleep, so I grabbed a night-robe and hurried to the door. If it was Samuel, I needed to get rid of him quickly as the last thing I wanted was another fight to break out. I opened the door with slowly to keep noise to an absolute minimum as I didn’t want to disturb Clint’s sleep.
Josh stood before me in the doorway, his eyes crazy with anxiousness. He pushed past me. “I need to talk to you Norah. Right now, it’s urgent.” He looked like his whole body was tense. He seemed angry and scared. He grabbed my shoulders and half shook me; there was sweat on his forehead near the cut above his eye from the fight earlier. “I know about your offer from the Lappell.”
I looked at him and felt confused about why he was so distraught, and pulled away from his frantic hands. “It’s OK Josh, I said no to their offer, and it’s not a problem.”
He grabbed me again. “You don’t understand Norah, they know who you are,” and I suddenly sensed the urgency of what he needed to tell me. “They want you in the society. They want your family, your connections, and their power.”
A dark feeling rose up inside me. “How do you know all this?”
Josh swallowed, “They’ve been asking about you ever since I put your name on the list when I first brought you to that party. In the beginning, I thought it was because you knew too much about them. You had been to the parties, knew the members. They were covering all bases. It’s what they do.” He paused.
“Go on,” I insisted, urging him to tell me everything he knew.
“Tonight I overheard an argument between Clint and Wickburn, after he came back from taking you home. I am not sure what it was over, but I heard that Wickburn had sent Clint to ‘convince’ you to join the Lappell. He is lying to you Norah, and he is using you.”
Black. All I could feel was black rage.
Clint emerged from the bedroom like he had been waiting for a break in the crazy scene unfolding in the doorway. “Norah…” His movements were slow as he approached us. “Look, I was going to tell you everything. Yes, it started off with me having to date you so I could get you to join the Lappell, but from the moment in front of the Chagall, I instantly liked you, I think I even loved you. I wasn’t told to date you until the day I asked you out in the quad. I didn’t know why I was asked to do it. I didn’t know who you really were. It didn’t make sense why they wanted you in the Lappell until you told me who you were tonight.” He stepped forward and I stepped back. Josh walked in front of me, blocking Clint from getting too close.
My mind was spinning a hundred miles an hour. I wanted to cry but anger overpowered it. I stepped to the side of Josh, “I was an assignment to you?”
Clint faltered, “In the beginning yes, but Norah, you have to believe me, my feelings for you are real, they always have been.”
I couldn’t see straight; rage just so much rage. The black feeling had caught up to my body and then I let it take over. I screamed, “I gave you my fucking virginity!”
Josh’s face whipped around to me, he knew what was about to happen next. “Norah, steady.” Josh reached over to me, knowing I was about to lunge at Clint.
Tears sprang to my eyes and I was shaking uncontrollably. “A fucking assignment,” it’s all I could hear in my head over and over again, "a fucking assignment," I yelled, and that was it, I lunged towards Clint, both my arms extended, wanting to punch, hit and claw at him, but Josh grabbed my body, wrapping his arms around me with all his strength.
Clint begged, “Please Norah I love you, I love you so much. It killed me not to tell you. It’s all I wanted to do. The reason I kept running from you was because I felt so guilty about it.”
I was trying to wriggle free from Josh, who held onto me, knowing what I would do if he let me go.
“You fucked me over and over and over again, and you never once told me, all this time!”
Clint’s eyes started to go red with tears. He could see how hurt I was but I continued to scream at him, “And tonight when I told you who I was and I said I love you - you still didn’t tell me!” I was starting to go limp in Josh’s arms from using all my energy trying to break free from his grip so I could lash out at Clint.
“I was going to tell you this morning. I went back last night to tell Wickburn I was out of the Lappell, for good.”
Suddenly the darkness inside me overpowered my mind and I felt broken. I was a mess in Josh’s arms, feeling utterly betrayed. “WE ARE DONE. GET OUT!” I yelled as Clint walked towards me again, “GET THE FUCK OUT!”
Josh just continued to hold me. “Leave Clint. Do what she is asking or I will make you leave myself.”
Clint looked at me, completely broken. He began to cry, “I can’t leave her, I just can’t.”
Josh was stroking my hair. “You have to go.”
I heard him fumble in my bedroom, pick up his keys and exit out the front door. Josh just held me as I lay emotionally crippled on the ground.
After a few minutes of tearful silence, Josh picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. I lay quiet for a very long time. Josh spooned me, taking in my sobs as I drifted in and out of an emotionally drained sleep. It was very late in the afternoon when I finally turned my body to face Josh. He was wide awake, still holding me.
“Josh.”
He pulled me close, “I can’t believe I let this happen to you.”
I hugged him. “It’s not your fault Josh, please don’t blame yourself.”
He lifted my face. “If only I hadn’t taken you to that party to begin with, they would have never investigated your name, never found out who you were, never gotten Clint to date you, then none of this would have happened.”
I shook my head. Josh should not be blaming himself. “How would you have known these people would do this?”
Josh looked guilty. “Because it’s what they do Norah, they are just as bad as the mob, what they do… what they do…”
I put my hands over my ears, “Don’t tell me please, I already have too many disturbing things in my head from what I’ve seen in my life, I don’t need anymore.”
Josh shut his eyes. “This is entirely my fault,” and I shook him to open his eyes.
“No-one forced Clint to lie to me.”
Josh hesitated, “I’m not defending Clint, it’s the last thing I would do, but it’s not that simple Norah, you can’t really say no to anything they want you to do, there are rules.”
I lifted myself off him. “That’s messed up,” I noted as I lay back in his arms.
“And you can’t just leave the Lappell; you either have to die or buy your way out,” Josh told me solemnly.
I nuzzled against his chest. “Sounds like something else I know.”
For hours I tossed and turned in Josh’s arms. I just couldn’t get comfortable and was unable to get everything that had happened with Clint out of my head. My greatest fear was my identity and how much it affected my happiness. It kept getting in the way at every turn my life took. There was no escape and no way around it. Even here at McLaren, with my fake name, far from the reach of New York, my identity managed to take away the first handful of happiness I had a hold on in a long time.
I tried not to think about all my fears and turned my thoughts back to Josh, being in his supportive arms, not letting me go, trying to be an outlet for my pain. He was so strong for me, it was no wonder he couldn’t face his own fears.
Finally I stopped squirming, and turned so that I was laying side on, face to face with Josh. He was laying quietly with his eyes shut, lost in thought.
“Josh.” His eyes blinked open to stare directly at me.
“Yes Norah.”
“Do you ever think about going back to New York?”
His body stiffened. Just bringing up New York made him tense. “Norah don’t.”
“Don’t what? It’s b
een a long time since I brought it up.”
His body remained rigid as I continued to push the subject.
“I know, but I still feel,”
‘Scared?” I said, finishing his sentence. He relaxed a little as I voiced the feelings he didn’t want to convey.
“You know I lost everything in New York, Norah. My parents, my life, my future. It just, hurts.”
I started to think about how lost I was in high school and how it was Josh who helped me get control. It was about time I started being every bit the voice of reason and support he was for me.
“You know someone once told me that if I don’t face my fears, I’ll never overcome them.”
I felt Josh’s body exhale as he pulled me closer.
“I remember that.’ Josh half whispered into my ear as he nuzzled forward into my neck.
“Those words were from your mouth Josh.”
He sighed and rolled onto his back to stare at the ceiling. I laid my head on his chest and he began to stroke my hair.
‘I know.”
I could tell he was deep in thought as his fingers curled around my hair at the tips. It was a trait I had observed many times before and usually it was when he was trying to make some kind of decision.
“Joshua?”
He stopped stroking, and half-fisted my hair, almost like he was terrified about what I was about to say next.
“Yes Norah.”
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but one day you’ll have to deal with it. Something will happen that will make you confront those feelings. Something will be bigger than that fear,” and that’s when Josh’s whole body shuddered.
“Yes, I know, that’s the problem,” he struggled to say.
“What does that mean?” I asked, confused. Josh lifted my head from his chest so I could see his eyes. He opened his lips to continue, but bit his lip and instead lay my head back down onto his chest and began stroking my hair again.
“Nothing, now come on, get some rest.”
Chapter 13
Desperation
Josh stayed with me the following night and then the next. We ordered in takeout food and just hung out, like we did back in high school. Josh avoided bringing up Clint and I was thankful for his diversion. Our conversation was light. We spoke of our classes, music, movies and books. We spoke of anything but the Lappell and Clint. He knew if I wasn’t bringing it up then there was no way I would talk about it. I managed to put my anger and frustration aside while Josh was with me. His presence soothed my wounded and confused heart.
Pieces of Lies Page 15