A Beginner's Guide To Saying I Do: A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘Hey, babe. I’m just phoning to let you know that Carrie and Ginny have invited us out for dinner. I won’t have time to come home after work, so you’ll have to meet us at the restaurant.’

  Trina’s heart dropped again. ‘But I’ve cooked.’

  ‘This will be way more fun. Ginny’s managed to book the Blue Llama!’ The Blue Llama was an incredibly pretentious restaurant endorsed by a celebrity chef. Rory had been keen to sample its supposedly exquisite cuisine, but the waiting list was stupidly long. You’d have more chance of sitting your arse down on the moon than you would getting a table at the Blue Llama.

  Could Trina really deny Rory this one tiny pleasure?

  ‘What about the meal I’ve cooked?’

  ‘Feed it to Leo.’ Rory’s comment was throwaway, but it hurt Trina. She’d tried so hard to cook that meal for Rory and he wanted to feed it to his family’s dog?

  ‘I don’t really feel like going out to eat tonight.’ Trina looked down at her nightie and robe. She was hardly dressed appropriately.

  ‘Oh. Never mind, then.’ Rory didn’t sound nearly as disappointed as Trina had expected. Perhaps the Blue Llama wasn’t as important to him as she’d thought. ‘Maybe next time.’

  ‘You really don’t mind?’

  ‘Of course not. We’ll all go together another time. Or maybe just the two of us?’

  ‘I’d like that.’

  ‘Great. I’ll get us on the waiting list.’ So they may get to eat there around Rory’s retirement. ‘I have to get back to work now, but I’ll see you later.’

  ‘I love you,’ Trina said, but Rory had already hung up. It didn’t matter, though; Rory was coming home to eat her meal instead of dining at the Blue Llama, which was irrefutable proof that he loved her. Trina quickly finished off the playlist before popping the dish back into the oven to warm up. She set the table and lit the candles, butterflies fluttering deliciously in her tummy as she anticipated Rory’s arrival. Unfortunately, those butterflies would have quite a flight ahead of them, as it was almost midnight before her husband returned home, squiffy, dishevelled and full of exquisite food – courtesy of the Blue Llama.

  Twenty

  Erin

  Everyone gathered at Billy’s house early on Saturday morning, apart from Richard who was taking the children bowling. With a day of parading around a hall full of wedding paraphernalia and couples radiating everlasting love ahead of her, Erin wished she was joining them. And Erin hated bowling. It was sweaty and noisy and she always broke a nail in those stupid holes in the stupidly heavy balls, but it was preferable to the vomit-inducing wedding fair.

  ‘Don’t you ever want to get married?’ Quinn asked her. She couldn’t understand Erin’s views at all. She couldn’t wait to walk down the aisle and marry the man she loved. She just had to find that man first.

  ‘Nope. Witnessing Lindsay’s wedding preparations is enough to put me off for life.’

  ‘How are the plans coming along?’ Ruth pulled out her ever-ready notebook, pen poised to make a few notes.

  ‘Horribly.’ Erin still wasn’t sure how she’d ended up getting herself tangled up in the whole thing. ‘It’s so tacky and over the top. They’re having a horse and carriage for the bride.’ Erin wanted to gag, while Quinn practically swooned at the mere thought.

  ‘But that’s so lovely. Seeing brides riding along in a carriage always makes me think of Cinderella.’ Quinn sighed dreamily. ‘It’s utterly romantic.’

  ‘If you say so. I think a hearse is more apt.’

  ‘Wow, you’re really not into weddings, are you?’ Quinn asked and Erin shook her head.

  ‘Not even a little bit. Marriage is such an outdated concept. Who wants to be shackled to the same man for a lifetime?’

  Ruth raised her hand. ‘I do.’

  ‘Oh, sorry.’ Erin cringed. She really should learn to be more tactful in her aversion to nuptials, at least until after Ruth’s wedding, and she vowed to try harder. Ruth was so excited to be marrying Jared and Erin didn’t want to bring her down, no matter what her personal views on the subject were.

  ‘It’s okay.’ Ruth tapped her notebook with her pen. ‘So, Lindsay’s wedding?’

  ‘Is hideous. You should see the bridesmaid dresses.’ Actually, Erin was thankful that her friends wouldn’t see the bridesmaid dresses. ‘And we have to drive to the hotel in a pink limo.’ Erin pretended to gag. It didn’t take much acting skills to pull it off, as the thought was utterly repellent to her.

  ‘But I love pink limos,’ Quinn said. Erin slung an arm around her.

  ‘You would. You’re cute and romantic.’

  ‘Whereas Erin is hard and cynical.’ Ruth nudged her friend to show that she was kidding – almost – before she popped her notebook and pen into her handbag and clapped her hands. ‘Right, everybody. We need to get as much covered today as possible, so I’ve put everybody into pairs with specific areas I want you to look at. Take plenty of photos, business cards and leaflets, and we’ll swap notes at the end.’ Ruth pulled a sheet of paper out of her pocket and unfolded it. ‘Billy and Casey will be working together on flowers, table decorations and favours.’ She looked at Billy and Casey in turn, waiting until she had a nod of approval before moving on. ‘Theo and Quinn will be looking at transport and hair and beauty.’

  ‘Hair and beauty? Me?’ Theo couldn’t believe he’d been given such a girlie role. He should have been given a more masculine job to do like … oh, forget it. There was nothing manly about weddings.

  ‘Theo, you use more hair products than all the women here put together, you great vain git.’ Ruth consulted her list, moving swiftly on before Theo could attempt to fabricate an argument. ‘Erin was supposed to be with Richard but as he can’t make it, you can pair up with my cousin, Trina.’ Ruth had invited Trina along as she hadn’t had the opportunity to attend any fairs for her own wedding and Ruth felt a bit sorry for her. She should have been euphoric after marrying the man of her dreams, but she’d seemed a bit down when Ruth had visited. ‘She should be here any minute. You’ll be looking at cake and sweet treats and wedding stationery. Jared and I will take care of bridal gowns, suits, bridesmaid dresses and photographers. Does anybody have any questions?’

  Theo raised his hand. ‘Is your cousin fit?’

  Ruth folded the sheet of paper and returned it to her pocket. ‘Trina’s gorgeous. She’s also married, and if you even look at her in a non-gentlemanly manner, I will twist your bollocks off. Okay? Good.’

  As though on cue, there was a dainty knock at the door, signalling Trina’s arrival. Theo’s eyes almost bulged out of his sockets when he clocked her, but one warning look from Ruth was enough to temper his desires. Ruth made the introductions and then it was time to go.

  ‘We’ll meet up for tea and cake at the catering area at three o’clock to compare notes. Ready? Let’s go!’

  The wedding fair was being held in a venue that resembled nothing more than a huge grey box, but inside it was a hive of activity with stalls, information stands and a catwalk that would host a fashion show of bridal wear in the afternoon. While Erin would rather have tap-danced naked in the centre of the Arndale shopping centre than attend such a corny event, Trina was taking the whole thing almost as seriously as the bride-to-be herself, and had a notebook and pen at the ready before they’d even stepped inside the building.

  ‘I didn’t get to go to anything like this for my own wedding,’ she explained. ‘My wedding planner took care of everything.’

  Erin rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t get me started on wedding planners.’ The thought of Ingrid made Erin shudder. ‘At least we got the best category.’ Erin couldn’t believe her luck that she’d landed cake and sweet treats, which ranged from wedding cake to heart-shaped cupcakes and chocolate fountains and everything delicious in between. ‘We get to eat as much cake as we want while supposedly doing Ruth a favour.’

  ‘Oh, no. I can’t actually sample any of it. I’m on a diet after seeing my honeymoon pho
tos.’

  Erin looked Trina up and down. The girl was so skinny that she could hide behind a tall blade of grass. ‘More for me then, I guess.’

  The pair shuffled along the slowly moving queue before finally making it through the doors, where they were immediately bombarded with noise. Goody bags were thrust into their hands, which was quite exciting until they realised they were crammed mostly with leaflets. There was also a key ring advertising the venue as well as a pen printed with ‘Choco Fountain, for all your celebrations!’, which wasn’t all that thrilling.

  ‘Ooh, a free pen!’ Trina was far more impressed with the goody bag’s offerings than Erin was, but then Erin wasn’t really interested in anything at this wedding fair unless it was crammed full of sugar. They headed for the nearest confectionery stall, which hired out cute wooden carts filled with jars of sweets. This was definitely Ruth’s kind of thing so Erin took a photo with her phone.

  ‘Would you like to take a leaflet?’ the owner of the stall asked, homing in on the possible interest. ‘Our carts are really popular and we can adapt the theme to suit your requirements.’

  Erin had a quick flick through the leaflet, where she could see a couple of the themes on display as well as the price list. Wow. That was a pretty hefty price tag for what was essentially jars of dolly mixtures, marshmallows and cola bottles. Erin doubted this would fit into Ruth’s tight budget, no matter how delightful it was.

  The next stall they found was full of delicious-looking treats. It was a cacophony of sugar and colour, with chocolate swirl lollipops arranged artfully in jars, sherbet dips in champagne flutes, a rainbow of macarons arranged in a giant heart shape, mini jars of jellybeans and Smarties tied with ribbon, and tiny cupcakes with frosting of every colour known to man. It looked as though Willy Wonka had thrown up on the table.

  The stall’s owner was quick to pounce. ‘We can set up a sweet station package for you or we can create wedding favours for your guests.’ She handed over a cellophane bag of three mini macarons tied elaborately with swirls of ribbon. ‘This is just a small selection of what we do. You should check out our website.’ She handed over a business card before she uttered the words Erin had been hoping for. ‘Would you like to try a sample?’

  Yes, Erin would very much like to try a sample, thank you. By the time they made it to the chocolate station halfway through the exhibition, Erin had tried many samples. The sight of the chocolate fountain, pulsing thick chocolate over and over again, made her feel queasy. And the fountain was only the start of the delights displayed. There were chocolate mousses set in cocktail glasses, a pyramid of chocolate fondant cakes with sickly pink icing piped on top to form little hearts, millionaire’s shortbread with gold leaf detailing, and mugs of hot chocolate with heart-shaped marshmallows bobbing on the surface.

  ‘Would you like a sample?’ the stallholder asked and Erin started to turn green. If she had one more sample, it wouldn’t be only Willy Wonka throwing up rainbow treats.

  ‘No thank you. We’ll just take this.’ Trina grabbed a leaflet from the stack and moved Erin away from the stall. ‘It’s nearly time to meet the others. Shall we call it a day?’

  ‘Yes please.’ Erin grabbed hold of Trina and leaned heavily on her as they made their way towards the catering area. Quinn and Theo were already there and had secured a table. Erin flopped gratefully onto a chair, clutching her stomach. She really shouldn’t have eaten so much. Perhaps Trina’s strategy of swerving the samples had been the right way to go. Damn you, hindsight, you smug little shit!

  ‘How’s it been?’ she croaked.

  ‘It’s been a nightmare.’ Quinn glared across the table at Theo. ‘He was bored after two minutes and spent the whole time whining. It’s been like shopping with a toddler, only this toddler has tried it on with every passing female. And most of them have been brides-to-be.’

  ‘Like that’s ever stopped Theo before,’ Erin pointed out, which Theo took as the compliment it was not.

  ‘I have to challenge myself. Being this good-looking can get a bit boring at times.’ Theo winked at Trina, who waggled her wedding band at him.

  ‘I’m afraid even your obviously superior good looks and, erm, charm, aren’t enough to sway me into unfaithfulness.’

  Theo leaned back in his seat. ‘The day isn’t over yet.’

  Trina smiled sweetly at him. ‘And neither is my marriage.’

  Twenty-One

  Ruth

  I was stupidly excited as we pulled into the car park of the wedding fair venue, my feet itching to race inside to see what was on offer. Instead – rather heroically, I think – I hung back to make sure the others had arrived and checked again that they knew what their duties for the day were. I wouldn’t have put it past Theo to talk the others into skiving off to spend the day in the pub instead, but they all dutifully arrived and confirmed the jobs I had set for them.

  After I’d confirmed that my team were all on board and raring (ish) to go, I marched towards the back of the scarily huge queue before it grew any longer. I had just shy of six weeks to plan my wedding, and it looked as though I’d be spending three of those queuing outside the fair.

  ‘Remember to meet up at three at the catering area. Whoever’s last has to buy the cake.’ The others followed me and together we shuffled along the queue until the entrance came tantalisingly into view. I pulled Billy to one side, whispering so the others didn’t hear, ‘You’re welcome, by the way.’

  ‘For what?’

  I nodded towards Casey. ‘I paired you up on purpose, so you get to spend the day with her on your own.’

  ‘Oh. Thank you?’

  ‘Like I said, you’re welcome.’ I grinned, satisfied with my cunning plan. Chuck a nappy on me and call me Cupid!

  Shockingly, we made it inside the building before Jared and I were due to take our vows and while the promised goody bag was a bit shit – who wants a key ring of some random venue? – the rest more than made up for it. Displayed before us was every bride’s dream. Whether you wanted a traditional or a quirky wedding, it was all there, spread out in all its glory.

  ‘Look at it.’ I turned a full circle to take in the madness before us. The noise was deafening, the space crammed with bodies, stalls and displays. It was truly wonderful. ‘Aren’t you excited?’

  Jared appeared less than thrilled to be there, however. I hadn’t been expecting him to perform cartwheels – there wasn’t room even if he was inclined to do so – but he didn’t have to look like he was being led to his execution.

  ‘Yeah. Of course I am.’ Jared attempted a smile. It was a piss-poor effort and I was about to pull him up on it when I was distracted by a rail of wedding dresses. I bounded over, tugging Jared with me, but my enthusiasm dampened a little as I examined the dresses. They were all beautiful, of course, but they all looked the same. They may have had a slightly different neckline or bits of lace or pearl buttons sewn onto them, but they were essentially the same dress, repeated.

  ‘They’re a bit boring, aren’t they? I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of white.’

  The stallholder’s jaw dropped as though I’d just admitted I drowned fluffy kittens for fun. I moved on quickly, pulling Jared along with me.

  ‘They’re not really me, are they?’ I wore bright colours and prints, not plain and white. Which was unfortunate, given the long-standing tradition of wedding dress design.

  ‘You don’t have to wear white,’ Jared pointed out.

  ‘I know, but I don’t want any old dress off the high street. It’s got to be special, hasn’t it?’

  ‘Oh my God, Mum. Look!’

  Jared and I were pushed aside as an over-excited bride-to-be barged past us and snatched a swathe of ivory from a rail of dresses. She emitted an ear-piercing squeal as she pressed the fabric to her chest. ‘It’s just like the one I saw in the magazine. Isn’t it lush?’

  The mother fawned over the dress and I couldn’t help feeling a little down, despite my surroundings. This girl kn
ew what she wanted. Had known what she wanted before she’d even arrived at the fair, but I didn’t have a clue what I was looking for. But I’d know as soon as I saw it. I would know my dress.

  Wouldn’t I?

  We had a bit more luck with the bridesmaid dresses, which were bolder in colour and more my style, but they were so expensive and would push us way out of our budget. I knew bridesmaids weren’t essential for a wedding, but I did want my loved ones to be part of my wedding. I’d already asked Erin to be my maid of honour (and as she hadn’t gagged as she’d accepted, I felt I couldn’t take it away from her now). Quinn, Jared’s little sister Jimmy and my niece Riley were on board to be bridesmaids and would need to be clothed (obviously). My brother and his family lived in New York and I’d already spoken to Riley about the kind of dress she would like to wear over Skype. She was super-excited (Riley’s words, not mine) about dressing like a princess and, as her aunt and the woman who had dangled the carrot, I had to fulfil that dream. She would have a dress worthy of a princess, just not from here.

  Our mission to find a photographer was much more successful, particularly when we met Sadie Alexander, a young photographer I felt an instant connection with. She showed us a portfolio of her work and I knew then that I wanted her to document our big day. Her photos were stunning without being staged. She’d managed to capture the essence of the couple and their guests – a cheeky kiss as a newly married couple, laughter over the best man’s speech, a couple of children whispering and giggling under a table. Her pictures depicted real weddings rather than staged shots under picturesque trees with false smiles after three hours of posing.

  ‘We really should be going.’ I reluctantly closed the portfolio. We were due to meet the others, and my stomach was already rumbling at the thought of cake. ‘But can I take your details?’