A Beginner's Guide To Saying I Do: A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘Hey, you two. Leave that for tonight, yeah?’ Erin winked at the couple. She was so pleased for her best friend. Nobody deserved happiness more than Ruth.

  Cosmo’s food wasn’t forgotten. The guests located their places and Erin found herself seated with Richard, Quinn and Theo. Ruth had considered barring Theo from the reception for being a git, but Jared had talked her down. Ruth and Jared had enforced a no-speeches rule for the day – they could be a bit wanky – so the meal was full of fun and chatter without the embarrassment or boredom speeches could bring.

  The food was lovely but the real party began later, once the karaoke machine had been set up and Cosmo’s staff had set out the buffet. The rest of the guests would be arriving any minute.

  ‘So how does it feel to be a married woman?’ Erin asked Ruth. They hadn’t had the chance to chat much since that morning at Ruth’s flat. The day had flown by and Erin needed a moment with Ruth, to remind herself that nothing had really changed for them and their friendship.

  ‘It’s amazing.’ A grin spread across Ruth’s face. It would be there for quite some time. ‘I can’t believe it!’

  ‘I’m so happy for you. You know that, don’t you?’

  Ruth nodded, pressing her lips together to prevent yet another wave of tears. ‘I do know. Thank you.’

  Erin took a moment to compose herself. She wouldn’t cry in public, even if it was her best friend’s wedding. ‘Right then! Enough of this soppy crap. Let’s dance!’

  Keith Barry, the karaoke host they’d hired for the evening, started the music up. The karaoke would start later, once enough alcohol had been consumed to encourage people to sing, but for now Keith would be acting as DJ for the party. Ruth had requested a playlist full of the very best cheesiest pop, and Keith had obviously obliged, as Hanson’s ‘MMMbop’ kicked in.

  Erin and Ruth were joined by Quinn on the dance floor, singing along to the cheesy songs until S Club 7’s ‘Never Had A Dream Come True’ slowed down the rhythm and Erin found herself in Richard’s arms.

  ‘Hey, you.’ Richard pulled Erin in close. ‘Are you absolutely sure you don’t want all this?’

  ‘Couldn’t be more certain, pal. Sorry.’ Erin reached out to stroke Richard’s cheek. ‘Marriage just isn’t for me. You know that. But ...’ Erin hesitated, not quite sure she was ready to make the leap. She’d been thinking about it a lot lately, but now the moment was here, doubt was setting in. It was her default setting, but she was determined to forge ahead. It was what she wanted, no matter how much her brain tried to convince her otherwise. ‘How would you feel about moving in together?’

  Richard’s eyebrows raised ever so slightly. Was this a trick? ‘Are you being serious?’

  ‘You know I don’t joke around with this kind of stuff.’

  Which was true. Very true.

  ‘Then I think it’s the best idea you’ve ever had.’

  Erin’s urge to run away from commitment kicked in, but she stood her ground. For once she was going to be brave and allow herself to let go and be happy, just like her mum had.

  ‘Then let’s do it. Let’s move in together.’

  ‘Shall we finish this dance first?’ Richard asked. ‘Or will that give you just enough time to change your mind?’

  Erin shook her head. ‘I’m not going to change my mind. You’re stuck with me, til death do us part. So no leaving the toilet seat up – or that’ll happen sooner than you think.’

  Forty-Eight

  Ruth

  I’d wanted the reception to be fun, and it certainly was. The dance floor quickly filled as Keith Barry started his set, but I was forced to rest my dancing feet as more guests started to arrive. Jared and I hovered by the entrance to greet them. First up was Aunty Pat, who stepped into the restaurant looking as though she’d stepped in dog poo while wearing her best shoes.

  ‘It’s a bit small, isn’t it?’ she said in lieu of congratulations. ‘When Vee said it was being held in a restaurant, I was expecting something far grander.’

  ‘Well, we like it,’ I said while imagining ejecting her from the ‘small’ restaurant with my foot up her arse.

  ‘That’s the main thing, I suppose.’ Aunty Pat gave my arm a patronising squeeze before dumping her heavy fake-fur coat in my arms. ‘Come along, Raymond. Let’s see if we can find some champagne. Though I suppose we’ll have to make do with sparkling wine.’ Aunty Pat trooped into the restaurant, with her husband and devil children, Philip and Lesley, trailing behind. Philip had plucked one of the balloons from the display outside and had sucked in a deep breath of helium. He was singing ‘Lesley is a knob-head’ in a high-pitched voice as they passed.

  I puffed out a breath and smiled at Jared. ‘That went better than expected.’ She hadn’t pointed out that I was fat (‘Have you ever thought about losing weight, Ruth? You’d be so much prettier and healthier with a little less bulk’) or that Jared was clearly out of my league (‘Haven’t you done well for yourself, Ruth? Who’d have thought you’d end up with a man quite so handsome? Who’d have thought you’d end up with a man at all? Ha, ha, ha! I’m just kidding, Ruth. Have a sense of humour!’) and she hadn’t slagged Mum off in her ‘I’m just being helpful way’ (‘Ruth, sweetie. Can you please have a word with your mother? Purple really isn’t her colour, is it? We don’t want her going out looking like that and feeling embarrassed, do we?’).

  ‘She didn’t tell me I’m thinning on top this time, so I’m happy,’ Jared said.

  ‘You do know you’re not, don’t you?’ I was immensely grateful that Jared had married me despite my spiteful Aunty Pat.

  ‘Won’t you love me when I’m bald?’

  ‘Of course I will.’ I planted a noisy smacker on my husband’s (yes, my husband’s – eek!) lips. ‘I’ll love you forever. Plus, it’ll be handy always having a mirror around with your shiny head.’

  ‘Darling!’ Aunt Gloria swept into the restaurant, pulling me into a heavily perfumed hug. ‘Congratulations, dear girl. And you.’ Aunt Gloria turned to Jared and pulled him into a tight hug. ‘You look after our Ruthie.’

  ‘I promise I will,’ Jared said and Aunt Gloria gave him a nod of approval before turning to the gentleman she had arrived with. ‘Have you met Yuri?’

  Yuri was breathtakingly handsome (though not as handsome as Jared, I hasten to add) and at least three decades younger than Aunt Gloria. He held out a manicured hand to Jared and me, and offered his congratulations.

  ‘We met while I was on my little cruise.’ Aunt Gloria gazed up at Yuri and emitted a little sigh. I wondered if Yuri would become husband number six. ‘He swept me off my feet. Quite literally. He took me off to his bed and my feet didn’t touch the deck again until we docked back in England. He’s fabulous in bed. Simply fabulous.’

  Yuri gave a small shrug, neither confirming nor denying his sexual prowess.

  ‘Shall we go and grab a drink?’ Aunt Gloria asked him. ‘I see Pat’s already found the bar. She’ll have sucked it dry by the time we get over there. Dreadful woman!’

  Aunt Gloria gave my arm a squeeze before she led Yuri into the restaurant. Trina and Tori followed, offering their well wishes, and then I used the lull to store Aunty Pat’s coat in the allocated cupboard next to the kitchen. When I returned, Jared was greeting Billy’s dad and step-mum.

  ‘Brian, Pearl. I’m so glad you could make it.’ I enveloped them in a hug before pointing them in the direction of the bar, and Billy. It had been a while since I’d seen the pair and I couldn’t wait to catch up, but it would have to wait as the next wave of guests had arrived.

  ‘I’m exhausted already,’ Jared joked but there was no chance of a rest. Nell and Greg from my yoga class were full of enthusiasm for married life and offered us some titbits of advice. Nell’s pregnancy was clearly progressing well, as she now looked as though she’d swallowed a marrowfat pea.

  ‘Congratulations, dear!’ Mary swept into the room, tugging a short, plump man with her. His head was shiny and free of hair, ap
art from a small tuft of grey fluff behind each ear. I pressed my lips together to smother a giggle as Jared caught my eye and surreptitiously indicated the mirror-like surface of his head.

  ‘I’m so happy for you.’ Mary pulled me into a hug, planting a noisy kiss on each cheek. ‘You must be Jared.’ Mary repeated the greeting with my new husband before turning to the man hovering awkwardly beside her. ‘This is my Cecil. We’ll be getting hitched ourselves, won’t we, dear?’

  ‘Hmm?’ Cecil rubbed at his ear and leaned in further towards Mary, who shooed him away towards the bar.

  ‘You’ve sorted everything with Cecil’s daughters then?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh, yes.’ Mary’s eyes travelled towards Cecil who was ambling towards the bar, her eyes shining with pride. ‘He gave them a proper ticking off. I didn’t think he had it in him. It was quite a turn-on, I can tell you.’ Mary shivered with delight before she pulled herself together. ‘Anyway, I wanted to tell you what a lovely ceremony it was. You look radiant, my dear.’ Mary gave my hands a squeeze before she scurried after Cecil.

  I turned expectantly towards the door and was pleased when I saw Aidan shuffling in. I wasn’t sure he’d turn up, but I’d been pretty adamant in my invitation that morning. It was the least I could do after he’d used up his free time to do my hair at the last minute.

  ‘Are you sure this is okay?’ Aidan’s eyes darted from Jared and me back to the door, plotting his escape. I grasped hold of his arm before he could flee.

  ‘Of course it is. I invited you, didn’t I?’

  ‘But what about Trina? Is she okay with me being here?’

  I hoped so. I hadn’t told her yet.

  ‘Ah, Betty! Hello again.’ Swerving the question, I moved past Aidan and took hold of the little old woman Jared and I had met at Trina’s wedding. It turned out Betty was a cousin of my grandmother, who, sadly, was no longer with us.

  ‘What did I tell you?’ Betty asked as she hugged me fiercely. ‘I told you you’d be next, didn’t I? I’m always right about these things.’ She released me and eyed Aidan, who was still hovering by the door. ‘And I remember this handsome young man.’ She poked out a foot, swivelling it in front of her. ‘I’ve got my dancing shoes on, so don’t go too far.’

  Aidan held out an arm. ‘How about I get you a drink and then we’ll have a boogie?’

  Once all the guests had arrived and had had the chance to grab a drink and mingle, Keith Barry paused the music while Jared and I made our way to his little stage.

  ‘We promised there would be no speeches at this wedding,’ I said into the microphone. ‘And you’ll be pleased to hear we’re sticking to that.’ There was a murmur of a cheer from the middle of the room. I suspected Theo. ‘But we just wanted to quickly give out a few gifts.’

  I’d ordered necklaces for each of the bridesmaids with a tiny rose pendant. Each bridesmaid’s rose matched the colour of their gerbera, and a silver leaf carved with their initial hung beside it. We’d ordered bouquets of gerberas for our mothers – pale pink and lemon for Mum, and raspberry and orange for Linda. For our fathers, we’d bought engraved key rings, as neither Dad nor Bob was the cufflink-wearing sort.

  With the gift-giving over, Jared and I signalled for Keith Barry to start up the music again, but Linda held up her hand and rushed to the front.

  ‘Not so fast. There’s one more gift.’

  I looked at Jared, biting my lip. Who had we forgotten?

  Linda grabbed the microphone and held up what looked like a pamphlet. I took a closer look and saw on it a photo of a little stone cottage surrounded by pretty trees and foliage.

  ‘I have a gift here for Jared and Ruth, on behalf of both sets of parents. We’ve booked you into a little rental cottage in the Lake District for a week. Don’t worry about work – Erin has sorted the time off with HR.’

  From the crowd, Erin gave a little wave, and I pressed my lips together so I didn’t start to blubber in front of everybody. The cottage was gorgeous and looked like the perfect setting to start married life with my new husband.

  ‘Wow, thank you.’ I searched the crowd for Mum, Dad and Bob, and beamed at them all. I turned to Jared, to see if he was as thrilled as I was, but he was seemingly showing his appreciation by stripping off his tie. He’d already shrugged off his jacket and was now starting to unbutton his shirt. Was he going to do the full Monty? How much champagne had he quaffed during the meal?

  ‘Jared? What are you doing?’ I hissed, but a pair of hands grasped me and pulled me to one side. Jared had stopped unbuttoning his shirt – stopping at the top button – and was now rolling up his sleeves.

  ‘Stephen? What’s going on?’ My brother was still holding on to me as my husband had his episode on the stage.

  My brother grinned at me. ‘Just watch.’

  ‘The karaoke will be starting very soon,’ Keith Barry said, having taken control of the microphone again. ‘But first, the groom would like to kick off the entertainment.’

  What? I looked up at Stephen, who simply grinned down at me.

  ‘My beautiful wife thinks the sweet buffet is her surprise,’ Jared said into another microphone. ‘And while it was a surprise, this is the real one. We’ve been working really hard on this, so please be kind.’

  Then Jared was joined on stage by Erin, Quinn, Theo, Billy, Casey and Trina, who each had a microphone of their own.

  ‘For one night only, ladies and gentlemen,’ Keith Barry said as the intro to S Club 7’s ‘Reach’ began to play from the karaoke machine. ‘It’s Ruth’s Club Seven!’

  Suddenly, Erin began to sing Jo’s part in the song. The others joined in the chorus, complete with synchronised dance moves. Then ‘Reach’ turned into the Spice Girls’ ‘Say You’ll Be There’, then Steps’ ‘Chain Reaction’, B*Witched’s ‘C’est La Vie’ and finally Kylie Minogue’s ‘Better The Devil You Know’. My husband and our friends had put together a medley of my favourite songs, and were performing them in front of everyone, complete with cheesy choreography. If that wasn’t true love, I didn’t know what was. The crowd got behind them, singing along and dancing. At the end, Ruth’s Club 7 took a bow while the restaurant erupted in applause. I ran to Jared, throwing my arms around his sweaty shoulders.

  ‘You’re a nutter, do you know that?’

  ‘I do know that. But if being a nutter shows you just how much I love you, I’m willing to make a fool of myself.’

  ‘I love you, you great big fool.’ I gave him a noisy kiss on the cheek. ‘But now I feel bad. I haven’t prepared anything for you.’

  ‘Why don’t you serenade me?’ Jared suggested. ‘Karaoke’s about to start.’

  Forty-Nine

  Trina

  Ruth’s Club 7 were halfway through their set when Trina spotted Aidan in the crowd. She hadn’t expected to see him at Ruth’s reception and seeing him grinning at her almost put her off her stride. While the others had been practising for weeks, Trina had been a late member of the troupe and so it wouldn’t have taken much to push her off kilter with the routine. But luckily she kept on track and somehow kept up with the performance without falling on her face.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Trina rushed over to Aidan as soon as the routine came to an end and the group had received a thunderous round of applause.

  ‘Ruth invited me. You don’t mind, do you? I could go if you want.’ Aidan scratched the back of his neck, looking a little awkward. ‘I don’t mind. I just wanted to see you. It seems like we haven’t spoken for ages.’

  ‘I know. It’s been difficult.’ To say the least. Who knew that life could become so complicated so quickly?

  ‘You’ve left Rory.’

  ‘Yes.’ Trina found that she couldn’t quite look Aidan in the eye. Her cheeks burned with … what? Embarrassment? Bashfulness? She had to remind herself that this was Aidan standing in front of her. Her best friend. ‘Did Ruth tell you?’

  Aidan shook his head. ‘I phoned the house. Some girl answered and told me.�
��

  Some girl. Could have been Carrington – or Ginny. But it didn’t matter. Trina’s marriage to Rory was over. He was free to do whatever he pleased. He always had, anyway.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Aidan reached out towards Trina and she found her eyes filling with tears, which was ridiculous. Because she was okay, really. She wasn’t happy that she’d chalked up a failed marriage or made a fool out of herself by marrying a man she wasn’t truly, one hundred per cent in love with, but she’d survive with a little time and superficial wound-licking.

  ‘Come here.’ Aidan held out his arms and Trina fell into them. More than anything, Trina had missed her friendship with Aidan, but it was tainted now. Awkward. Could they go back to the way things were before?

  Did either of them even want that any more?

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m okay, really.’ Trina pulled away and swiped at her cheeks to rid them of the rogue tears. She glanced around her, hoping nobody had witnessed her momentary crack.

  ‘Do you want to get some fresh air for a few minutes?’ Aidan asked.

  Trina nodded. It would be easier to talk away from the restaurant full of people. Grabbing her jacket from the cupboard next to the kitchen, she and Aidan slipped out of the back door, through the little yard and out into the alley. They made their way along the passage until they reached the path at the end, neither saying a word until they reached a bus shelter, which seemed as good a place to stop as any other.

  ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch.’ Trina sat down on the bench, its cold metal biting through the thin material of her dress. ‘I’ve had a lot on my mind. Rory. You. Us.’

  ‘And have you decided anything? About us?’ Aidan stared up the road, as though they were actually waiting for the bus, rather than at Trina.

  ‘Not really.’ Trina stared down at her hands, which were clasped on her lap, rather than at Aidan. ‘It’s all so complicated, isn’t it?’

  ‘Is it?’ Aidan tore his eyes from the road but found he couldn’t quite look at Trina’s face. Instead he watched her hands.