“Yeah, thank you. This has nothing to do with being a sissy, does it?”
“Where should I put my things?”
“Put them in the bathroom, the door on your right. This couch pulls out into a bed. It gets pretty chilly up here at night. You can sleep here by the fire. I’ll use the bedroom.”
“You’re not sleeping by the fire with me?” She watched Kasey silently placing wood in the fireplace. “I thought we could lie here and talk all night. Like you used to do with your best friend when you were little?”
“I thought you’d be so tired you’d want to get a good night’s sleep.”
“We can sleep in tomorrow, can’t we?”
Kasey nodded.
“Then it’s settled. You’re sleeping out here.”
Settling under the light blanket in front of the fire, Connie watched the dancing flames and waited for Kasey to join her. Mind and body were completely at ease for the first time in what seemed like an eon. The fragrance of burning cherry wood mingled with the slightly musty smell of old pine boards. The fire’s warmth reached to the head of the couch and chased the night chill to the dark corners of the little cabin. Her eyes had just closed restfully, when suddenly something cool and soft hit her right in the face. Before she could respond, another pillow hit her midsection. She pushed the first one back hard at Kasey as she flopped onto the bed.
“All right, now you’ve had it.” With surprising quickness, Connie shed the blanket, straddled a shocked Kasey, and pinned her to the bed.
“Okay, smarty, now what?” Kasey laughed.
“You’ll see.” Connie deftly pinned one arm down with her knee, and with her hand now free started tickling Kasey’s side.
“Oh, no,” Kasey managed through her laughter. She struggled to free her arms. Weakened by the tickling, she mustered all the strength she had just to free one arm. She grabbed Connie’s wrist and pushed up hard with her hips to throw her off balance. Then quickly taking advantage of the situation, Kasey raised her head and shoulders, pushed Connie backward, and rolled on top of her.
In an instant, Connie found herself lying chest to chest beneath Kasey, staring paralyzed into the intense blueness of her eyes. Their hearts beat against each other’s in an excitement neither could conceal. Then came a look that electrified Connie’s soul. She sucked in a breath and held it. Shouldn’t our lips meet now? Shouldn’t I feel the warm fullness of her lips next and taste what must be the sweetest mouth? She was about to be kissed, she was sure of it. The flush from her face now consumed her body. Kasey wanted to kiss her. She could see it in her eyes. And Connie would welcome it, at least once, at least to see.
But just as quickly as it had happened, Kasey rose and rolled to her side of the bed. “Don’t take that wrong,” she said. “That wasn’t a pass.” An indiscriminate, momentary lack of judgment, but not a pass.
Throwing a pillow on top of her, Connie smiled shyly. “I took it as defeat.”
Kasey returned her smile, busying herself with the arrangement of pillows and blankets.
Connie tried settling comfortably to face her but couldn’t slow the rapid beating in her chest. “When did you know you were gay?”
“Wade right in, Connie.”
“Inevitable question,” Connie grinned.
“It doesn’t matter whether I’m ready for this, does it?” Connie’s grin only widened, and Kasey relented. “I guess I’ve known since junior high school.”
“How did you know?” Connie added quickly.
“Probably a combination of things. I was a tomboy. I liked all the boy kinds of activities. And as I got older, I found I liked doing them more and more with girls. They never put me down or tried to make me feel inferior like a lot of the guys did.”
“Something some of them never outgrow. Did you ever date guys?”
“Not for long. I hated them always trying to get a feel and turning everything into something sexual. I never wanted that from them.”
“Did you ever have sex with a guy?”
Such relentless curiosity. Expected of course. But did it have to have such an annoyingly familiar pattern? She shook her head. “I could never get past the piranha kisses. They were disgusting,” she said as Connie laughed. “What’s so funny?”
“They are like piranha. It feels like they’re trying to eat your lips.” The vision made them both laugh. “What’s—”
“Look, I know you have about a thousand questions. I expected it. But to be fair, let’s make a deal. You have to answer every question I answer, only referring to guys when it’s appropriate. Okay?”
“Deal,” Connie agreed. “But this one I’ve sort of already answered. What’s it like to kiss a woman?”
“Definitely different from guys. Erotic, sensual, emotional. I don’t know how else to describe it. No whisker burns,” Kasey laughed.
Connie crinkled her nose. “I hate that. You always have to make them shave.” She hesitated as long as she could stand. “When did you first kiss a woman?”
“A classic lesbian experience. My best friend in high school was telling me about problems she was having at home. I put my arms around her to comfort her. I held her for a while. Then she looked right into my eyes and didn’t say anything. Somehow I got up the nerve to kiss her, and she kissed me back. I thought I was in heaven. I kissed her the way I had always wanted to be kissed, and she kissed me back the same way. It was the first time I had ever been sexually aroused.”
“What happened from there?”
Oh, no, you don’t. You’re not getting the juicy just yet, Ms. Connie. “We spent a lot of time together and made out a lot. She always said she wished guys would kiss like that. But I had no clue what to do from there, and I guess she didn’t either. So that was as far as it went. She moved the following summer,” she said, turning on her side. “Your turn.”
Connie smiled. “Mine’s really nothing. It was Jimmy Wheeler in the sixth grade. He was real popular, and it made me feel important for about two weeks. Then he started liking some other girl. I learned real quickly that relying on some guy for a sense of worthiness was a big mistake. They called me ‘The Freeze’ in high school. I was no doubt the cause of many a lost bet.”
“I know the big one’s coming, so I’m going to beat you to it,” Kasey said. “What was it like the first time you had sex?”
“Ooh. It’s definitely tougher on this side of the questions.” She lay back and turned her eyes to the ceiling. “That didn’t happen until my sophomore year in college. I’d been dating this guy for about three months. He was getting pretty frustrated with me. I guess I just got tired of making excuses and dealing with pressures from friends.” Her eyes came back to Kasey’s. “I gave in one night.” She noticed Kasey’s gaze move from her eyes to her lips. “We were on the couch in my apartment. He was shocked when I stopped fighting him. He even asked if I was sure. I wasn’t, but I had decided to get it over with. I was very embarrassed. I made him wear a condom, and I didn’t want to look at him.” She didn’t want to look at Kasey right now, either. “But I forced myself. The only foreplay was the little bit of necking we did before I gave in. I wasn’t very lubricated, and it was very painful. But once he started, there was no stopping him. After he left, I just lay there and cried. I could hardly walk the next morning.”
“God, Connie. I take it you didn’t run right back for more.”
“No, that cured me for a long time. Your turn.”
“Mine wasn’t terrific either, but at least it wasn’t as bad as that. I was a freshman in college, and some friends and I wanted to learn to play tennis. We signed up for a class from the recreation department since it was cheaper than taking a class at the university.” She wanted to smile at the red flush on Connie’s face, but resisted. “Our instructor was a woman in her late twenties. She was athletic, very cute, and it didn’t take me long to realize I was interested in more than her tennis skills. She had a bubbly, outgoing personality and teased me a lot. We started spendin
g time together after class, and I knew she was interested in me, too. One day we went to get something to eat and ended up talking in her car until after dark. I knew something was going to happen by the way she was looking at me.” Connie was watching her intently.
“She said ‘come here,’ and I did. We started kissing each other. Then she began kissing my neck and caressing my breasts, and I knew we were going to make love.” She caught Connie’s eyes slip quickly to her breasts, outlined in only a T-shirt, then quickly back up. “She drove us to a motel. I was so nervous that I wouldn’t even take my underwear off. When she asked me if I’d ever been with a woman, I lied. She must have suspected, though. I’m sure she did all the right things, but I was so nervous I couldn’t enjoy anything. I know she was frustrated with me. It must have been obvious I didn’t know what I was doing. It wasn’t until a week later when we ended up in another motel that I understood what an orgasm is.”
Connie stared into Kasey’s blue eyes for a few seconds, not knowing how to word the next question. Realizing her hesitation, Kasey said, “What are you worried about? It couldn’t be any more intimate than what we’ve already talked about.”
“I was wondering. When you’re making love to a woman, can you stop if she lets you know she doesn’t like something?”
The question, with all its innocence, made her smile. “Of course. Connie, I don’t think of it as making love to a woman, I make love with her. The whole idea is to give each other pleasure.”
“That’s so different from what I’ve experienced. It’s one reason I broke up with Greg. He was a terrible lover. I don’t qualify as an expert. I’ve only been with three men, but none of them cared if they satisfied me. I felt like I was only there for their pleasure.” Her embarrassment was easing somewhat. Speaking honestly, without fear of judgment, was an adventure in freedom. “Greg was always trying to get me to do things sexually that I didn’t want to do. Just the thought of doing oral sex on him nauseated me. He wanted to have anal intercourse, too. There was no way I would ever give in to that.” She grimaced at the thought.
“Selfish sex. And dangerous.”
“Actually, I am very tired of dealing with sex at all. But I think I’m even more tired of their attitude. I see how my friends’ husbands act. They don’t see any reason to change. They’ll be that way forever. The women either put up with it or eventually walk out and hope for something better. I can’t see it.” She paused for a second. “Listen to me,” she smiled. “I sound like the lesbian here.”
Kasey returned the smile. “No, you sound like a woman who is aware of what she likes and dislikes. A lesbian is a woman who has fallen in love with another woman.”
“Is it really that simple?”
“If you can strip away the pressures of society and be true to your own feelings. That’s essential whether you’re gay or straight.” Her advice reflected firsthand knowledge.
Connie thought about Kasey’s words silently for a few minutes. Kasey rearranged her pillow into the hugging position and closed her eyes. “You’re tired, aren’t you?” asked Connie.
Her eyes remained closed. “Uh-huh.”
“Thank you for talking with me,” Connie said softly.
“Sleep well.”
Fourteen
For hours, Connie dozed on and off in a light sleep. When she was awake, she watched the dying embers of the fire and thought about their earlier discussion. She could remember it word for word. The sun had been up for some time now, peering in through high little windows on either side of the fireplace. Connie settled back on the pillow and watched Kasey as she slept. With all the questions that had been answered, she wondered how her mind could still be troubled, but it was. Finally, she figured it out.
Kasey stirred and opened her eyes. “Did you sleep at all?” she asked, looking at Connie between blinks.
“A little. I have to ask you something.”
Kasey closed her eyes and smiled.
“Kasey, what is going to happen to our friendship when you start dating someone?”
Kasey opened her eyes to a very worried look on Connie’s face. Rolling over on her back, she pushed the pillow under her head. “She’ll just have to accept our friendship.”
“You’re not being realistic. We wouldn’t be able to do much together anymore. There’d be too much jealousy.”
“I know it probably wouldn’t happen overnight; but given time, she’d learn to trust me and accept you.”
“Like Sharon?” A little dose of reality, heavy on the sarcasm.
“We haven’t given her enough time. Let me ask you a question.” Kasey paused long enough to sit up. “What’s going to happen when your next boyfriend finds out you’re hanging around with a lesbian?”
“Maybe I don’t want another boyfriend. Besides he’d probably just hit on you.”
“What do you want, a girlfriend?” she teased with a raise of her eyebrows.
“Maybe.” Connie lay back and looked at the ceiling. “Or maybe I’m asexual. I’ll just have friendships from now on, instead of relationships, and leave sex out of it.”
“Yeah?” The two women looked at each other. “Well, maybe I will, too.” She picked up the pillow and pushed it at Connie’s smiling face. “I get the bathroom first today.”
That morning, they shared song and Kasey’s improving guitar skills. Connie called the hospital, which eased her restlessness considerably and freed her to enjoy a walk along the lake. The afternoon sun warmed the day quickly, nudging them into bathing suits and the cool water of the lake.
“I’ll race you,” Kasey said, taking a head start. She beat her, of course, and bent over to put her things down on the end of the dock.
“You cheat,” laughed Connie. Before Kasey could even laugh, Connie gave her a push, and Kasey was on her way headfirst into the lake. You deserve that, Ms. Hollander. You can’t beat me running fairly. The glare of the sun on the water prevented her from seeing Kasey come up. She was sure she had; she just couldn’t see her. “Where are you, Kasey?” There was no sound. “Kasey, are you all right?” Still nothing. “Kasey?” she called frantically.
She was at the edge of the dock prepared to go in after her, when suddenly a hand grabbed her ankle and she too tumbled into the water. When she came up, Kasey was laughing a few feet away. “How’s the water?”
“You scared the hell out of me,” Connie shouted at her.
“You started it,” she laughed back.
“Don’t ever do that again. I thought you were really hurt.”
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”
She slapped water angrily at her. “I mean it, Kasey.”
“I am sorry, Connie. I didn’t mean to scare you—not that badly anyway.” She tilted her head and looked up into Connie’s scowling face. She raised her eyebrows and gave her a little smile.
Connie splashed her again, but this time with a relenting smile.
“Okay, c’mon, grab your things,” Kasey directed. “Hold them up like this and we’ll swim out to the raft.”
With one hand holding their rolled towels up out of the water, they arrived at the raft and climbed out of the water. They spread their towels on the warm, weathered wood and relaxed in the sun.
“Kasey, this is wonderful,” Connie remarked, looking out at the view of the shoreline from her new vantage point.
“Another favorite spot.”
Connie rested back on her elbows and closed her eyes. The warmth of the sun washed the goose bumps raised by the wind smooth again. She couldn’t see Kasey’s eyes making their own sweep over her body, lingering over the gentle curve of her throat as it met with the sharp angle of her shoulders, and stopping pleasurably on the firm full breasts. The choice of a two-piece suit was both wonderful and cruel. It presented a show of beauty as tempting as it was enjoyable. Unaware of her audience, Connie readjusted her hips. Kasey’s eyes dared to continue over the graceful lines worthy of a dancer, assessing proportions exquisite enough for the camer
a. Kasey couldn’t decide if the temptation was meant as a purposeful challenge, or was merely an example of complete naiveté. Sleeping in the same bed—the wrestling match. What was I thinking? More importantly, why did it matter? She pulled her eyes away and concentrated on applying sunscreen.
As she finished applying it to her face and chest, Connie sat up and took the tube from her. “How do you tan and keep such beautiful skin?” She began smoothing the cool lotion over Kasey’s back.
“I don’t work, or play, without this stuff. You’d better get some on before you burn.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Connie smiled. With long graceful fingers, she smoothed the lotion into the creamy skin while Kasey leaned back and watched. When she had covered all she could reach, she handed the tube to Kasey and turned onto her stomach. “Will you get my back?” she asked, unhooking her top.
Oh, no problem. I can lay my hands over the nearly naked body of what I am sure now is a temptress. I can fight the thoughts that are making me warm, the ones that are causing me to dream again and teasing my still bruised heart. I can—I will. I will go on and bolster the resistance past this delicate balance, because really there is no other choice. Kasey warmed the lotion between her palms. Then, instead of merely applying it, she began massaging it into Connie’s back. Gently but firmly, she manipulated every inch of the creamy skin, from her neck to the top of her bikini bottoms.
“That feels wonderful,” Connie said softly. Kasey made another pass over her back, using larger movements with the whole of her hand. “Mmm, you could do that all day,” Connie said with her eyes still closed.
With a gentle caress down her back, Kasey stopped. “No ... I couldn’t.” Well, if what she wanted was a reaction, then she had given it to her, plain and simple. Kasey lay back on her stomach and turned to face the lake. She wondered if Connie knew how close to kissing her she had come last night.
“What was her name?”
“Cindy,” Kasey answered without turning her head.
Marianne K. Martin - Love in the Balance Page 7