“Do you want to tell me about her?”
“Not really.”
“Will you?”
Kasey turned onto her back. Shading her eyes from the sun, she looked at Connie and smiled to herself. How kind of you to give me the whole morning off. “She’s a dental assistant.” Just get it over with. “I met her when the company I worked for re-designed the office building where she worked. I spent a lot of time there, working on the design and ordering. We got to know each other a little, started eating lunch together a few times a week.” She stopped, and closed her eyes.
“How did she find out you were gay?”
You certainly can’t let me stop now. “I told her. She wanted me to go out with her to this hot spot for singles, so I told her.”
“Was she shocked?”
“I think she was surprised, but she was also very curious.” Kasey sat up and spread her fingers through her hair, which was drying now to lighter shades of gold. “She wanted to make a deal. I would go with her to this place she liked, and she in turn would go to a gay nightclub that I liked. I thought it was a pretty interesting idea, so I agreed.”
Connie sat up next to her. “So what happened next?”
“We went to the singles bar. I was polite to the guys, but I turned down anyone who asked me to dance more than once. Cindy thought it was a cool idea, so she did too. It was an okay time. I realized I was definitely attracted to her. The next week, we went to my club. We did the same thing there, only dancing with each woman once. Then I asked her to dance with me.”
“And she did.”
“Uh-huh, for the rest of the night. We’d both had a few drinks, and I kissed her for the first time while we were dancing.”
“What’d she do?”
“Kissed me back. I was shocked. But I recovered quickly enough. It happened a number of times before we finally left and ended up at my place. She didn’t leave until Monday morning. We were together for three years before the pressures became too much for her to handle. That was a little over two years ago.”
“Anyone serious since then?” Connie realized she was beginning to sound like a talk show host, but she couldn’t stop herself.
“Not really. Sharon’s always trying to set me up, but I’ve never been interested in any of them.”
“What kind of women are you attracted to?”
“That sounds like a Dating Game question.”
There it was, the question over the limit. Connie was about to chastise herself when Kasey laughed.
“That would make an interesting show, wouldn’t it? I’d have to choose between three beautiful women. Let’s see. Number one has a great sense of humor, and number three loves to dance. But I like number two’s self-confidence, wit, and sincerity. I’ll take number two.” She laughed more comfortably now. The ever-present tension she felt whenever she spoke of Cindy was gone. The inevitable, as Connie would call it, was over, and she was relieved. It was time to truly relax and to enjoy the heat of the sun, the hint of pine on the warm southern breeze, and her friend.
The flames of the fire cast their yellow glow in soft flickers around the little room. Basking in its warmth, Connie hummed softly with the strings of her guitar.
“How’s your mom?” Kasey asked, joining her on the edge of the sofa.
“Dad said her signs are almost normal. They think it was some kind of stroke.” Connie looked into Kasey’s eyes. “I’ll never be able to adequately thank you for all you’ve done. I think of you singing to Mom every morning. It means even more, now that I know about your own mother.”
“To be honest with you, I think it was as much for me as it was for her. I couldn’t sing to my own mom. I always cried. It felt good to be able to do that for yours. And then to know that she heard me ...”
“How did your mom die?”
“Leukemia.” Kasey dropped her eyes for a moment. “She was in so much pain for eight long weeks. Her skin hurt just to touch it. But she refused the morphine. She hated what it did to her mind.” Tears began to fill Kasey’s eyes as she spoke. “She said she could stand the pain. She didn’t want to miss a minute of what was left.”
Connie took her hand and held it tenderly. “You don’t have to say any more, Kasey. I know it’s painful.”
“The memory’s very painful, but I don’t want to lose it either. I’ve never been able to tell anyone about it, especially her last words and the look on her face. I don’t ever want to lose that.” She blotted her eyes with the sleeve of her T-shirt but didn’t stop talking. “She held her arms up to me, her hands shaking so, to try to touch my face. She wasn’t strong enough, so I held her hands. She looked at me with such sweetness and said softly, ‘You’re so precious.’” Kasey’s voice was quivering now. “I told her, she was precious to me, and she closed her eyes with a little smile. I never saw her eyes again. She lapsed into a coma about an hour later.” Barely able to finish, Kasey whispered, “She died in my arms that night.” The tears that filled her beautiful blue eyes were now spilling uncontrollably down her cheeks.
Connie pulled her close and embraced her, holding Kasey’s head against her shoulder. She rocked her gently as she cried. “She must have loved you very much,” Connie whispered. “Yes, she must have loved you very, very much.”
Fifteen
“Isn’t Friday your birthday?” Kasey asked, exiting the highway.
“If I count it.”
“If you count it?”
“The big three-oh. I think it’s time to call them something else.”
Kasey smiled. It hadn’t really occurred to her. Maybe at forty. “Got something special planned?”
“I told Mom we would celebrate my birthday and her coming home at the same time. Dad thinks it could be another couple of weeks.”
“You should still do something special on Friday, though. Would you like to go to dinner or a movie?”
“You really want to do something special for me on my birthday?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”
“Okay, take me to the nightclub.”
Kasey tried masking her sudden annoyance the best she could. “What nightclub?”
She persisted. “The one you go to.”
“No way, Connie. It’s been a long time since I’ve even been there myself. Besides, why do you want to go there?” She stopped the car in Connie’s drive.
“I just do. What’s wrong with that?”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea. All you’d see would be a lot of women drinking and dancing together.” Kasey was sorry now she had told her so much about Cindy. The whole idea smacked of dangerous curiosity.
“I want to know more about what it’s like to be gay.”
Exactly. Exactly why we aren’t going. She needed her best diplomatic dissuasion here. “Connie, a night at the bar is not a true representation of gay life. You’ll see them being themselves, able to hug and kiss, to dance with each other, and to talk openly. What’s so deceiving is that most of them return to a double life the next day. Most of them can’t be themselves at work, around family, or in public. It’s totally misleading.”
“Maybe it’s important that I see both. I’m aware of how you present yourself in public and in business, and I’ve met Sharon. But I don’t know many gay people.” It is a reasonable request. What is the big deal?
Up until now, that forthright Connie Bradford approach to life had been quite enjoyable, but at the moment, it was irritating the hell out of Kasey. “You know Tom. He’s a good example of how you can be associating with gay people every day and not realize it. We’re just people, with hopes and dreams and fears like everyone else; except, we have to hide a very big part of who we are.”
“What’s the real reason you don’t want to take me?”
Kasey stared at her for a few seconds. Can I tell her how nervous that curiosity is making me? How frightening the similarity is? Or how sure I am about straight women not understanding society’s pressures on
gays until they live it themselves? No. Not right now. Not yet.
Connie stared back for the next few seconds. “It could be a lot of fun, you know.”
“Why am I always letting you talk me into things?”
“Because you like me?” Connie grinned.
“That must be it.”
“What should I wear?”
“Whatever you’d wear out to a singles club. Are you ready to start running again tomorrow?”
“Yes.” She was thrilled that Kasey had been the one to suggest it. “I’ve missed torturing you.”
Sixteen
All week, Connie felt as if she was operating in overdrive. Her mother continued to improve, gaining strength every day. With that relief, and her renewed energy from the weekend, she handled a full schedule and slept well every night. They found time to run three times, and she even had the patience to deal with Sharon’s sarcasm. Kasey had been right. The weekend away had worked miracles.
Although she had been looking forward to tonight all week, Connie kept her excitement to herself. Twice she sensed Kasey wanted to back out of it. But she hadn’t. And Connie, insisting upon driving, picked her up without an argument.
They pulled into the club parking lot. “Nervous?” Kasey asked.
“A little. I just want to fit in and not look obvious. Are you sure I look okay?”
Kasey’s eyes swept down the silk blouse and pants, all the way to the matching pumps. “You look great. Remember, if you don’t want to dance with someone, all you have to do is say no. And I won’t leave you sitting alone, okay?”
“Don’t worry about me. Just enjoy yourself.”
Connie scanned the sprawling room from their little table by the wall, while Kasey got their drinks. Lesbianism in truth, she decided, transcended race, religion, and class. It was no myth—a well-kept secret maybe, but no myth. She relaxed against the back of her chair. Kasey was absolutely right. Blending in really wasn’t a concern. She made another pass over the crowd of women, stopping here and there on an interesting face, an intriguing combination. It was rare for her to be in the company of only women, and never in the sole company of so many. All of womankind seemed represented here, and it felt good to be among them.
She caught sight of Kasey emerging from the crowd near the bar and watched her squeeze through the crowd and maneuver gracefully between the tables. Her slender figure in tight black pants and shortwaisted purple and black jacket turned heads as she passed. Connie was trying to decide whether she was sexier tonight than she was at the open house when Kasey’s smile met her gaze. Never in her life had anyone intrigued her like this woman.
“You’re turning heads.”
“Then the trip was worth it.” She smiled, placing their drinks on the table. “The dancers are here tonight.”
Connie looked toward the dance floor. “Dancers?”
“A dance company that performs at different clubs. Something like the Chippendales, only they don’t strip, and they dance for women. I think you’ll like it. But be prepared, parts of it might get a little provocative.”
“I liked Madonna’s video.”
Kasey grinned. “Ah, then I needn’t worry.”
Bright spots of purple and red suddenly illuminated the dance floor. Dancers, fit and lean in halter tops and shorts, began moving with the music. With choreographed precision, their bodies gave form and tactile sensuality to the music and interpreted it with an unusual emotional quality, a quality noticeably missing in the dancers Connie had seen performing for men. There were indeed parts that proved sensuous; the women touched each other and moved together in ways that simulated intimacy. They displayed an eroticism that merely alluded to sex, but stopped short of defining it. It wasn’t at all what Connie had expected. She found herself not only appreciating the art of it, but enjoying it.
She glanced at Kasey. “Which one do you think is the sexiest?”
“Are you just trying to be one of the girls here?”
“No. I want to know what you think is sexy.”
“You mean like dating material?”
“Sure. Would it be someone like one of the dancers?”
Kasey sighed and leaned back in her chair. “I guess the one in the black top wouldn’t have to ask twice.”
For the next few minutes, Connie watched the woman that Kasey had indicated, noticing how physically feminine she was and how strong and confident her movements were. She was very attractive. Noticeable, too, was the eye contact she made with Kasey. The attraction was evidently mutual.
The performance ended with curves of women’s bodies intersecting and enveloping one another, while Kasey explained, “Between numbers, the dancers mingle and dance with people. So if one approaches you and you don’t want to dance, just shake your head no and she’ll ask someone else.”
“They actually mingle?” She watched Kasey nod. “When I went to a straight club that had dancers, the bouncers had to protect them and keep them separated from the men.”
“No, this is much different. Women are much different.” She had no sooner got the words out of her mouth, when the dancer in the black top approached their table.
“Good evening, ladies. I hope you’re enjoying the show,” she said before turning her attention to Kasey. She held out her hand, inviting her to dance.
Kasey hesitated. “Go ahead,” encouraged Connie. “I’ve never seen you dance fast.”
Kasey took her hand and stood. “Why don’t you take off your jacket,” the woman said. “I think you’re going to get very warm.”
She glanced quickly at Connie and back to the dancer. “Maybe so,” she said as she removed her jacket. Underneath she wore a vestlike top that showed off her arms and shoulders and most of her back.
The woman boldly ran her hands across Kasey’s broad shoulders and down her arms to her hands. “Are you single?” she asked.
“Yes. Are you?” asked Kasey, purposely turning the tables.
“I am now.”
Barely a second passed, no time for a reaction, when a hand was extended in Connie’s direction. She turned to see a dancer in white shorts and top smiling politely at her. Connie took the dancer’s hand and followed her to the dance floor. It had been some time since she’d enjoyed dancing. Greg hated it. And she hadn’t danced with a girl since junior high school. Now here she was in the middle of a gay bar, doing both. She looked around for Kasey, wondering if she had seen her get up. She found her and her partner on the other side of the floor; the dancer was moving seductively, only inches separating them, looking directly into Kasey’s eyes. The scene had an eroticism stronger than the performance. A flush swept swiftly over Connie’s body. She watched them as discreetly as she could throughout the rest of the dance.
At the song’s end, Connie thanked the dancer and anxiously made her way to the edge of the dance floor. All the while, she kept Kasey in her sight and caught up with her as they neared the table.
“I’m glad you were comfortable enough to dance,” Kasey smiled. “I didn’t want to leave you sitting alone.”
“I was surprised when she asked me.”
“Why would you be surprised? You’re a beautiful woman, Connie. I hope you realize there are going to be more invitations tonight. I hope it won’t bother you.”
“I don’t think it will.”
During the next performance, Kasey was acutely aware that Connie’s eyes were fixed on her, studying her, practically ignoring the dancers. If she is trying to be discreet, she certainly isn’t very good at it. If she isn’t trying ... Kasey slyly turned to look at her. “What do you think of the dancers?”
“They’re very good. Are they all gay?”
“I think most of them are. I’m glad they don’t offend you.”
“Why would they?”
“I don’t know. I guess I assume straight people have a hard time, at least at first, seeing gay people touching each other.”
Before the conversation could go any farther and before the
dancers could even clear the floor, two women approached their table. From the way they moved and the way they were dressed, Kasey knew exactly what was about to happen. One of them asked, “Would you ladies like to dance?”
Kasey waited, looking at Connie for her response. When she stood, Kasey followed suit. They danced to a number of fast songs, all with different women, before finally retreating to the table for a break. But Connie had barely caught her breath when a woman dressed casually in jeans and leather vest asked her to dance. She’d danced a fast one with her earlier, but this time it was a slow song. She looked quickly over at Kasey before accepting. A smile eased across Kasey’s face as Connie stood.
It was the first time she had ever danced slow with a woman, and she knew exactly why she had accepted. Somehow, she was sure it would prove to Kasey that she was indeed accepting of her lifestyle. Besides, she really was enjoying herself. It was refreshingly different. Absent were the constant sexual innuendoes, the unwelcome pursuit. Absent too, was the discomfort of unending decisions of which comments to challenge and which ones to grit your teeth and bear. No wonder women loved women.
The woman was holding Connie close, but not uncomfortably so; their bodies barely touched. They were talking about it being Connie’s first time at the club and how much they liked the performances. Then something caught Connie’s eye. The dancer in black and Kasey were dancing not far from them. They were hardly moving. The dancer stared deeply into Kasey’s eyes. She was following the slow, graceful movements with her arms around Kasey’s neck. The vision was undeniably sexy the way their bodies came together, the way their eyes made contact. Connie found herself staring and forced herself to look elsewhere. As she glanced around the floor, watching other couples as they danced, she began to get a better idea of what lesbian couples looked like. Her preconceived idea of the masculine–feminine combination wasn’t entirely accurate. Some couples were both quite masculine, some were somewhere in between. But it became apparent too that a couple as feminine as Kasey and the dancer were a definite minority. Her attention was drawn to them once again. This time, she allowed herself to watch to the end of the song. She liked the feeling it gave her.
Marianne K. Martin - Love in the Balance Page 8