Kasey lifted her head. She focused slowly on her friend.
Sharon tilted her head. The look was concern, pure and sincere. “No, Kasey. Not again. What am I going to do with you?”
Kasey put her head down on Sharon’s shoulder and let her hold her for a while. “You’re staying here tonight,” Sharon said firmly. “Come on, let’s make it up these steps one more time.”
Twenty-one
Connie replaced the handset on the phone for the third time in the last five minutes. She hadn’t completed Kasey’s number once. With a deep breath, she tilted her head back, placed her hands on her hips, and made her tenth or twelfth trip to the front window. The little calico from next door lifted her black Chaplin mustache and gave a loud greeting. It was way past time for her usual morning smelt treat. She stretched an orange-and-white paw up as far as she could reach and pressed it against the glass. Connie turned away from the window.
No diversion worked anymore. Thoughts of Kasey now consumed Connie’s every minute. Every anxious moment that she was away from her made more and more of Connie’s life unimportant. The fear that she tried so hard not to give in to was looking more and more like reality. She may have lost Kasey.
She walked aimlessly from room to room, searching for a way to cope. There had to be some positive move she could make, however small, something that would give back some semblance of control in her life. She needed to talk to someone, and there was only one choice.
She strode up the walk of the large Tudor-style home and was greeted by a nice-looking man dressed in summer slacks and shirt. “You must be Connie,” he offered with a handshake. “I’m Michael. Just on my way out to run errands. Tom’s expecting you,” he smiled. “Go on in.”
Tom appeared from a doorway, wiping his hands on a kitchen towel, as she stepped into the cool tiled entranceway. “Come on,” he motioned. “I’ll only bore you with the nickel tour. It doesn’t include before and after slides or market analysis.”
They wandered through the huge house while Tom pointed out where Kasey had done the remodeling, and Connie revisited the warmth of Kasey’s embrace. There were furnishings of period pieces and antiques. Some had been inherited, some purchased, all with interesting stories attached. His knowledge was notable, and his enjoyment in having found certain pieces would have been contagious if her mind weren’t so preoccupied. Despite the fact that her own taste leaned toward the contemporary, she appreciated the interest and effort that must have gone into such a project. Today, though, wasn’t a good day to show her appreciation.
“Your home is a showpiece, Tom,” she said as they settled on the couch. “It’s really beautiful.”
“I must admit that Michael and I enjoyed the fun and exciting part while Kasey did the hard work. But this isn’t taking care of why you’re here. I didn’t mean to take up so much time with a tour.”
“I did enjoy it, Tom. Ordinarily I’d be better company.” Her eyes wandered out the window and then came back to his. “I have a confession to make. Even with the hours we spent practicing together, I didn’t know much about you. And I was curious.”
“I could tell from the questions you were asking at the open house,” he said with a smile. “But that wasn’t the only reason you were asking, was it?”
“No. But at the time, I didn’t even understand why. It wasn’t until last weekend that I finally put it all together.” She hesitated, but didn’t pull her eyes away. “I realized that I’m in love with her.”
In the middle of a wide smile, Tom exclaimed, “I knew it!”
“God, I must be slow. Can I just tell you what has happened, without any of my thoughts on it, and you give me an objective view of the situation?”
“I’ll try.”
In the amount of time that it would take to wash and dry the dinner dishes, Connie outlined her entire relationship with Kasey Hollander. Amazing how something so easily encapsulated could have such an absolute effect over the whole of your life. Stripped of descriptive emotion, it appeared by most standards to be merely a grouping of ordinary encounters. A diminutive span, hardly capable of mending a life’s worth of broken dreams or filling a lifetime of empty places. Yet it seemed it could do just that. And as hard as she tried against it, her factual account began to take on emotion, at first reflected in her face, as a flush accompanied her confession of love, and then shown in the unconstrained tears as she recounted their last conversation.
Tom reached over and took her hand. “Sweetie, you’re in deep.”
She looked at him, his handsome face blurred with her tears. Her voice was soft. “I know.”
“And so is she,” he added as he left the room. He returned with a box of Kleenex.
Her heart charged with possibility. “What do you mean?”
“She’s in love with you. I’ve thought so since the open house. I even asked her about it, but of course she denied it.”
“Were we that obvious?”
“To me, and I understand to your Neanderthal, too, if you don’t mind my candor.” He watched Connie smile and finish dabbing her eyes dry. “Neither one of you could take your eyes off the other. And the emotion when she sang ...”
“It gave me goose bumps.”
“It should have,” he smiled. “It was for you.”
“If she is in love with me, why is she denying it?”
“It’s taken Kasey a long time to get healthy again, after Cindy. I’m sure the fact that you’ve lived straight all your life frightens her. We were close friends during the years she and Cindy were together. In fact, they wouldn’t be seen together in public unless Michael and I were with them. I saw what it did to her, Connie.” He leaned toward her, rested his forearms on his knees. “Trying to please Cindy only made her nervous and paranoid. She gave her heart and soul to that woman, and she left her devastated.”
“She must have lost her mother around the same time.”
“Within months, the two most important people in her life were gone.” With words as direct as his eye contact, he asked, “Connie, are you sure you’re gay?”
“I’ve never loved anyone like I love Kasey. I am whatever that makes me.” She looked directly at him. “I like your directness, Tom. Tell me, is there something I’m supposed to be doing? Do I need to make it obvious that I’m gay?”
“No. You have the same choice Michael and I have. We’ve been together almost twelve years, and we live a very private life. There are only a few straight people who actually know we’re gay. We don’t make our lifestyle obvious. We can let them know, or not. You have to keep in mind, though, that two people of the same sex living together in their tweener years become obvious anyway.”
“What do you mean by tweener years?”
“Society accepts college-aged people and old people, especially women, living together. During the years in between, though, it’s looked upon with suspicion. Even if no one says it to your face, they’re talking at home. Think about how many people you come in contact with on a regular basis: family, neighbors, coworkers, bank clerks, waitresses, mail carriers. They’ll figure it out after seeing you together over a period of time. Many times, it comes down to personality. If they like you, it’s not an issue. A member of the opposite sex, though, attracted and curious, can pose a whole different set of problems. And you’re inevitably going to come across those.” He paused, realizing the load he had given her. “It wasn’t my intent to discourage you, Connie.”
“You haven’t. I’ve never let being a woman be a handicap, or its challenges scare me. I chose a career in a predominantly male field. I’ve dealt with condescension and sexism. Being gay doesn’t scare me. The thought of losing Kasey does.”
“Is there something I can do to help?”
“What do you think Kasey needs from me right now?”
Tom thought for a moment. “Maybe a show of strength on your part. If you could somehow show her the strength of your love.”
“You think I should go to her?”
“If I were in your place, that’s exactly what I’d do.” He took her hand. “If I were you, wherever she was weak, I’d try to be strong. Wherever she was unsure, I’d be sure. And look for your chance to show her how much you love her.”
Connie stood and picked up her keys, anxious now to get things in motion. “Thank you, Tom. You don’t know how much of a relief this has been.” She gave him a thankful hug. “I’ve felt so helpless.”
“I love Kasey like a sister. If you’re going to be good for her, there isn’t anything I’d like better than to see you two together.”
Twenty-two
The sun radiated its heat from the worn old wood of the raft. Kasey spread her towel and welcomed its comfort. She rested her chin on folded arms and surveyed her lake. A fresh gentle breeze chased mischievously through leaves of maple and oak and teased the calmest water into playful nudges of the old raft. She was at home here. It was her life’s only constant, and her only true solace. It had hidden her when Cindy left and comforted her memories when her mother died. It was something she could always count on, a place she would never give up. Here, mind speaks to the soul uninterrupted; cries of the heart find the length and breadth needed to be free. And here, without scrutiny, half-truths are made whole.
She would do it alone. She always had. She would sift the final grains of sand and balance the weight of emotion and logic. She would come to a place that her soul could tolerate and find peace for her heart. Here, at last, mind and soul could come face to face, and held in the balance was the love of Connie Bradford.
It wasn’t doubt of Connie’s love that drove Kasey from her arms. Rather, it was temperance. Without the test of heat, no metal proves its strength; without the test of life, no love can prove its worth. Rare is the love that survives the tests of the life she knew, but the pain from loves that failed those tests could fill more than one lifetime.
Within this lifetime, though, was an interlude that had brought a smile from deep in her heart, that had made her happier than she could ever remember. For that little while, life had become an adventure again, and for the first time in a long while Kasey Hollander had begun to feel once more.
At the sound of a motor, Kasey raised her head and looked toward shore. Through sun-spotted eyes, she strained to see whose car had stopped beside the cabin. Dammit, Sharon. You’ve made yourself clear. I need to do this alone.
But it wasn’t the squareness of Sharon’s shape that emerged from the sun’s glare. Kasey waited until Connie reached the end of the dock. “What are you doing here?”
“You can’t hide from this forever,” she called back. “We have to talk about it.”
“Talking’s not going to fix it. Go home, Connie.” Get back in the car. Take your curiosity and your temptation of love and go home. Maybe I can never get over you, but I’m sure as hell going to try. Connie remained, hands on her hips, staring out at the raft. Kasey watched, unmoving.
“You’re not coming in?” Connie asked finally.
“No.”
Without another word, Connie took off her shoes, her watch, and her sunglasses. At first, Kasey didn’t realize what she was watching. Then she sat straight up. Before she could say anything, Connie dove in fully clothed and began swimming to the raft. “And I thought I was crazy.”
Connie pulled herself up the ladder, shirt clinging tightly to her breasts. A resistant Kasey pulled her eyes away and handed her the towel. There wasn’t a lesbian she knew who would still be saying no at this point. Sage Bristo would be helping her out of her wet clothes by now and warming her in a heated embrace. Connie dried her face and hair.
“So what is going to fix it?” she asked breathlessly.
“I don’t know, Connie.”
“Kasey, if you can look into my eyes—” she made eye contact and hesitated, still breathless “—and tell me you don’t feel what I feel, then I’ll leave right now.”
Kasey’s eyes widened in realization, deepened with honesty. “I do feel the same thing, Connie. That’s the problem. That wasn’t a friendship kiss we had, and it’s why we left the club early.”
Although her heart jumped with excitement at Kasey’s admission, Connie held her emotions in check. “I don’t understand why it’s a problem if we both feel the same way.”
Looking out into the water, Kasey said softly, “I won’t make it through another situation like I had with Cindy. It’ll destroy me.”
“Honey, look at me.” Kasey’s eyes came quickly to her. “I’m not Cindy. Don’t you think I’m strong enough to be gay?”
“I’ve been this way all my life.”
With a gentle smile she offered, “I’m a quick study.”
Kasey smiled as she looked out into the water.
Connie watched her and waited. The fear Kasey was struggling against must be enormous. She could only hope the love she felt was enough. “Are you strong enough to love me?”
Kasey had not expected this insight, true to its mark. Connie had seen what she couldn’t—that she wasn’t even judging Connie by Cindy’s fears but was judging her by Kasey Hollander’s fears. And beyond those fears, lay Connie’s love and pain. Indeed she wasn’t Cindy. Connie Bradford, insightful and decisive, knew exactly what she wanted. And she had the courage to face the unknown for it. It was embarrassing not to be able to say the same of herself.
Kasey stood, then paused as she looked down into Connie’s uplifted face. “I love you so much it scares me,” she said, then dove into the water.
The relief was greater than any Connie had ever felt, with the exception of the moment her mother had opened her eyes in the hospital. Connie watched Kasey’s powerful strokes slice through the water until she reached the dock. Her words had created an excitement that removed all the worry of the past week. But still she resisted the impulse to follow after her. She wanted a little time to absorb it all. It wasn’t hard to imagine what would happen now. They would give themselves to each other, soothe each other’s fears, explore the mystery together. They would be lovers.
Minutes later, she slipped back into the chilling water and swam to the dock.
Kasey watched from the doorway of the cabin. The sight made her smile. The woman she loved was trudging across the little yard, shoes in hand, clothes holding fast to the lines and curves of an admirable figure. How could she have even considered shutting her out of her life? How could she have consciously put them both through certain heartache for fear of what may never happen? She knew now, she could never have done that.
“Do you always swim with your clothes on?” she asked, watching Connie come up the porch steps.
“Only on special occasions.”
“Why don’t you take them off and hang them over the railing? I’ve got a towel and dry clothes for you.” She watched in amusement as Connie struggled out of everything except her underwear. As she came in the door, Kasey wrapped the towel and her arms around her.
“It’s amazing what a woman has to go through to get you to hold her.” Connie wrapped her arms around Kasey’s waist.
“You do know that there are a lot of lesbians out there that aren’t this weird.”
“Uh-huh. But I’m only concerned with one.”
“Yes, and you picked the most heterophobic one on the block.”
She pulled back to look into Kasey’s eyes, heart pounding uncontrollably. “I’ve had quite a lot to figure out and understand over the past four months. It hasn’t been easy. But except for Mom being sick, I wouldn’t trade one minute of it.”
“Neither would I,” admitted Kasey, pulling Connie close again and holding her gently.
Kasey’s embrace, warm and strong, felt so right. The dampness of Connie’s skin warmed quickly to her touch. She pressed her cheek against her hair and breathed in her scent until their closeness began to do more than chase away the chill of the lake.
“I’ve been so afraid of wanting you,” Kasey whispered, stroking Connie’s wet, shiny hair.
“An
d I’ve been afraid you didn’t.”
“God. If you only knew,” Kasey said, as Connie’s arms tightened into a firm, full embrace.
“I think I’m about to,” she said, stepping from their embrace. “But not before I shower. Don’t go anywhere.”
“I put clean clothes in the bathroom,” Kasey smiled. “I’ll put a fire on.”
“You’ve already done that.”
With the sun going down and the wind from the lake chilling the little cabin, the warmth from the fire felt wonderful. Kasey leaned back against the pulled out couch, her arms folded around her bare knees, and stared into the leaping flames. Apprehension had given way to anticipation. Twinges of excitement began finding their way into her consciousness. Things were changing. No more repressing. No more denying. Connie excited her. She made her happy. Kasey’s heart was about to win the battle. And from now on, her mind would be taking lessons from her heart.
Connie slipped onto the end of the bed behind Kasey. Her fingers traced through her soft golden hair before coming to rest on Kasey’s shoulder. “What is it that makes a fire so sensual?”
“The ambiance it throws over everything. It makes everything look so warm.” She knew Connie’s eyes were not focused on the flames. They were concentrating instead on the glow the flames cast on Kasey’s face, in her eyes. Connie’s hand gently stroked the firm smoothness of Kasey’s arm, then moved beneath the sleeve of her T-shirt. The heat erupting in Kasey’s body rivaled the effects of the logs flaming before them. Her heart pounded with anticipation.
With long graceful fingers, Connie reached over and brushed the wispy strands of hair falling across Kasey’s forehead. Her index finger traced lightly down the pretty profile. Kasey smiled and kissed the tip of it when it touched her lips.
“Hey, pretty eyes,” Connie said softly. “What are you thinking?”
Kasey took Connie’s hand and held it to her face. As she lay back on the bed, she looked up into Connie’s eyes. “About how much I’ve missed you all week. I’ve been awful to work with.”
Marianne K. Martin - Love in the Balance Page 11