She sat there. Unable to move. Unable to stop the thought of showing up tonight hand in hand with Connie Bradford. Unable to keep from wondering. The reaction would not be the one they had received at the club, that they were single and available. These women knew her. They would know, once again, she had fallen for a straight woman. And reactions on the whole would not be good. There were very few who understood Kasey Hollander. Even fewer understood what attracted her—those self-assured qualities wrapped in such a neat, feminine package. Most believed as Sharon, that feminine-looking lesbians are copping out and only playing the “hetero game.” And Kasey knew she was included in that category, blending into society as easily as she did. After all these years, Sharon’s major source of contention was still Kasey’s unwillingness to come out. They would never even have become friends had Sharon not fallen in love with her.
Making matters even worse was her friends’view of heterosexual women: selfish, dependent, shallow excuses of women, promising only frustration and emotional pain of the worst kind. Reasons much too often valid. Tonight though, she didn’t need to hear them.
Actually, Kasey was the exception to many of Sharon’s rules, as was noted by many of their friends. Sharon merely told them, “Showing the world you can build a house with the very same hands you apply your lipstick with is as powerful as telling them who shares your bed.” Privately though, the pressure was always there to come out.
Unwilling yet to leave the anonymity of her sanctuary, Kasey flipped down the visor mirror and whisked her fingers swiftly through the wisps of hair framing her face until she was satisfied with their placement. So what’s so wrong with a little makeup and a flattering hairstyle? And what’s the crime in dressing up traditional male qualities in a congenial personality and fashionable clothes? The results are all that count, right? All in all, she was pretty comfortable with herself. She liked the fact that people usually accepted her at face value, without undue scrutiny. She was good at comfortable conversations with almost anyone, and as it should be, her sexuality was rarely an issue. Admittedly, wearing her mother’s diamond on her engagement finger was a cop-out. But what it did to discourage unwanted advances was worth it, she rationalized. Kasey the woman had come a long way from the withdrawn little tomboy who had struggled only for permission to develop her whole self, who had floated in oblivion between a part of society that rejected her strengths and desires and another that questioned her needs and tastes. And all the while she needed acceptance from both. Yet it had been an empowering journey. And somewhere along the way she had come to believe that the world must not be allowed to relate to a woman by who shares her bed—male or female.
Objective? Maybe not. But then, neither was Sharon. Sharon did, however, know how to throw one hell of a party. And she might be right about its therapeutic value. If nothing else, it would get Connie off her mind for at least tonight. She might even meet someone else. What the hell. She finally emerged from her metal refuge. Just do it.
Sharon’s ex answered the door. Not a surprise. Sharon and Sue had remained good friends. “Well, look who’s here,” she exclaimed, giving Kasey a breath-excising hug. “Sharon said you might show up tonight.”
“I guess it’s about time, eh?”
“I’ll say. Everyone’s downstairs. I’ll be down shortly. Get something to drink and mingle.”
Dressed in black spandex pants, a silk tank top, and black jacket, Kasey worked her way through the crowd of familiar and unfamiliar faces. Amid whispers and surprised greetings, she smiled and talked her way across the huge basement toward Sharon. She was only a couple of people away when one of the women talking with Sharon noticed her.
As deep brown eyes concentrated on her own, she overheard her say, “Be still my heart, who is this?”
Sharon turned, a proud smile spreading across her face. “Mmm, baby, you look delicious,” she said, grabbing Kasey in a bear hug.
“Behave yourself,” Kasey laughed.
“Only when I have to.”
“Well, you have to. Are you going to introduce me?”
“Of course. This is Kelly, and Pat. They’re visiting this week from New York. And this is Sage. She’s leaving the Big Apple and moving here. I invited her to stay with me until she gets settled. Everyone, this is Kasey, my best friend and business associate.”
For the next half hour, Kasey listened to college reminiscences and tales of New York, while the woman with the intriguing eyes and unusual name made her interest known. With mannered ease, Sage Bristo offered at-your-elbow attention, servicing Kasey with a drink, something to eat, and an intent ear. No one had to tell Kasey that Sage couldn’t take her eyes off her. She could feel her eyes registering every detail, even when someone else was speaking. The attention was flattering, and despite the fact that Sage was more masculine than she liked, she had to admit the woman oozed with sensuality. She was tall and meticulously groomed, with the confidence of an aristocrat, and her appeal was undeniable. The interest Kasey felt was unintentional. Her own evaluation was discreetly sweeping over the short brown waves when an arm slid neatly around her waist. A turn of her head put her cheek to cheek with Sharon’s ex.
“When was the last time you danced with a handsome dyke?” Sue asked.
With a laugh, she answered, “It’s been a while.”
“Come on then, dance with me,” she said, taking her hand.
Through two songs they danced and talked, and the whole while Sage Bristo watched. When Sage met Kasey with another drink at the end of the dance, Kasey kept them moving, introducing Sage to others, enjoying the attention. She was aware of thinking about Connie maybe only a half dozen times, which was definitely an improvement. Connie Bradford had dominated too much of her time, she decided. All day as she worked, all night as she lay awake, revisiting the sight of her, hearing her voice, tasting her lips. She shook the thoughts from her mind immediately, sharply turning her head in an abrupt decisiveness. There would be no time for that tonight, and that was fine.
“How about a dance with another handsome dyke?” Sage asked.
Quietly she answered, “I normally lead, but ... sure.”
“I haven’t met a woman yet who couldn’t follow me,” she said, taking Kasey in her arms. Her form was classically correct and her words true to their promise.
“You’re not dating Sharon, are you?” she asked.
“No. We’ve been close friends for a long time.”
“Are you dating anyone else?”
She knew before the question where this was going. “No again.”
“I’m very attracted to you.” There was a slight hesitation as Sage tried to make eye contact. “I’d like to date you.”
Kasey finally complied, only briefly, then looked away. “I’m usually not attracted to—”
“A handsome dyke with a great personality, her own business, and a fondness for dancing?” She flashed a big smile and gently squeezed Kasey’s waist. Sage had sensed Kasey’s discomfort and was easing gracefully out of it.
“Maybe we should get to know each other a little better.”
“Not a problem. I just want you to know how I feel.” Sharon found them at the end of their dance. “Hey, Kase, Jan brought her keyboard. Will you sing?”
“I don’t know, Sharon. You know what happened last time,” Kasey reminded her. The memory of breaking down in the middle of “I Will Always Love You” was all too vivid.
“Don’t sing that one. Besides it’s been long enough that you’ll be all right. Come on, please?”
“I’ll lead, if everyone sings, okay?”
“Okay, come on. Jan’s getting set up.” Sharon took her hand. They made their way to the end of the room, where the removal of a partition had left a platform perfect for entertainment.
Warm-up chords drifted into “Pretty Woman” over the open microphone, and everyone’s attention was on the three women at the end of the room. “Here we go,” announced Sharon.
With Kasey’s stro
ng, clear voice leading, the crowd of women was soon enjoying song after song. Sometime after the first song, but well before the fourth, the old familiar comfort returned. Kasey began to enjoy herself. And it didn’t go unnoticed. “We want Kasey to sing,” shouted someone in the back. Others joined the effort, calling her name and yelling out requests.
Sharon hovered over Jan and whispered something in her ear, then looked at Kasey. “C’mon, Kase,” she said, as Jan began “No One Else on Earth,” Sharon’s favorite song.
Kasey stepped back to the microphone and relented. “Okay, okay.” The beat quickly found its attitude in the way it drifted and pulsed from one part of her body to the next. Then she jumped in full voice, right on cue and let ’em have it.
Between verses, she strutted from Jan to the microphone and back, the sweat running down the sides of her face. Before returning to the microphone for the second verse, she removed her jacket to expose arms and shoulders reserved for these women’s eyes. And they loved it. Whistles pierced the air. They shouted and cheered and made the most of their chance to openly let this woman know how appealing she was to them. And Kasey, the entertainer, was unmerciful. She strutted back to the keyboard, draped her jacket around Jan’s shoulders, and seductively kissed her neck. Head tilted back in submission, Jan closed her eyes, and the women lost all reasonable control.
“Goddamn, she’s hot,” Sage exclaimed to the women around her.
“Yeah. It’s too bad she likes straight women,” replied one. “There’s more than a couple of broken-hearted dykes out here.”
“A lipstick lesbian with het cravings,” added another.
“You don’t like her,” Sage assumed, not taking her eyes from the intriguing Kasey.
“We love her. We just wish she’d come to her senses. She went into hiding after her last lover left her for a man.”
Before the applause died, Jan was already into another intro, giving Kasey little choice but to step to the microphone once again, this time to offer her own rendition of Lorrie Morgan’s “Watch Me.”
Toward the end of the song, Sharon appeared beside the platform with a towel. “For Kasey,” she explained to Sage.
“Why don’t you let me give it to her?”
“Go for it. But, I have to warn you—”
“I’ve already been warned.”
Kasey replaced the microphone on its stand despite pleas from the women for another song. “My throat is dry,” she explained, prompting an immediate offer of a dozen drinks. “Let me take a break, and then I’ll do one more.”
Her top was soaked, and the hair against her face and neck was dark blond with perspiration. She was met with a towel, a fresh drink, and Sage. “Oh, thank you,” she said, blotting her face with the towel.
“You can really sing. And you haven’t made a career of it?” Sage asked, watching the towel sweep over Kasey’s arms and chest.
“How many lesbians do you know who’ve made a career singing?”
“Uh, two?”
“I know of four. It’s too hard a life, in or out of the closet.”
“Not having to share you with the world has its appeal. But that kind of talent should never be hidden.”
Kasey smiled. “I enjoy singing for friends.” The drink went down a little too easily. She knew she should be drinking water. “Well, I promised one more. I’ll be back shortly.” Kasey handed Sage the towel and started for the platform. But Sage’s eyes wouldn’t release their gaze as she pressed the towel to her lips. Kasey smiled and shook her head.
Amid cheers and clapping, Kasey leaned over to Jan, then picked up the microphone once again. “This one’s one of my favorites. Some people think it was written especially for me.” A few soft laughs accompanied the beginning notes to Patsy Cline’s famous “Crazy.” Her hands gripped the microphone, her eyes closed softly, and her voice delivered itself from her soul. Grateful hearts took it in. Women embracing one another swayed with her emotion, sang softly with her, cared from a place deep inside themselves.
Tears welled in Sharon’s eyes at the sight of the glistening trail on Kasey’s cheeks. Her voice stayed strong, though, and she finished the last stanza with no indication that there was a problem. The women clapped long and hard for Kasey and Jan as they made their way out into the party again. Sharon grasped her hand as she passed. Kasey squeezed it reassuringly. “I’m okay. I’ll be back in a few.”
Once outside, she took in a long deep breath of air and closed her eyes. Before she could exhale, she lost her balance and had to lean heavily on the railing to keep from falling. With both hands on the top rail, she kept her eyes open and tried again. That’s better. Carefully she lowered herself to the steps, where she could gather her bearings and do a little thinking. Neither was an easy task. Isn’t the whole purpose of tonight not to think? She wiped the dampness from her cheeks. She didn’t want to cry, and she didn’t want to think. Thinking only confused matters lately, anyway. Make a mistake once, and it can be chalked up to ignorance; make the same one again, and it reeks of stupidity. Ergo, falling in love with Connie would be stupid, plain and simple. Head cradled uncomfortably between the hard cold spindles of the railing, Kasey once again closed her eyes. You will not go through that again. That reminder needed emphasis. You will never ... ever . . . go through that again.
A few more minutes and a number of deep breaths later, she headed back to the party.
“There you are,” Sage exclaimed. “I was hoping I could have another dance.”
Kasey took her hand. “Sure.”
She was grateful for a slow one. Her legs felt suddenly unsteady. Sage began holding her at the respectable distance of their first dance. But it didn’t take Kasey long to realize just how unsteady she was. She put both arms around Sage’s shoulders and pressed up against her. Sage responded by wrapping her arms around her waist and moving very slowly. Much easier, Kasey thought hazily. Leaning her head against Sage’s, she hummed along with the music and allowed her mind to go blank. She didn’t even know how long it had been before she became aware of Sage’s hands caressing her back. Since there were no objections, she kissed the side of Kasey’s face, then the sweet saltiness of her neck. Kasey’s eyes remained closed while she stroked the back of Sage’s head and neck and pressed warm lips into her neck. Kasey felt Sage’s arms tighten around her and soft lips move from her earring to her earlobe.
“If you’re trying to turn me on,” Sage whispered, “you’ve succeeded.”
Kasey lifted her head, her lips less than an inch from Sage’s, and looked directly into her eyes. The invitation couldn’t be ignored. Sage lowered her eyes and kissed her tenderly. Once. Twice. With lips soft and full. The kiss was returned with Kasey tightening her embrace around Sage’s shoulders and parting her lips. Their warm and tender exploration quickly turned passionate. Sage continued to move with the music, gathering Kasey tighter to her.
The burning deep within surprised Kasey. “Mmm,” she murmured, burying her face in Sage’s neck and gently caressing the back of her head.
Confidently, Sage’s hands moved over Kasey’s hips and buttocks, encouraging their seductiveness. “You’re incredible,” she whispered, brushing her lips over Kasey’s cheek before meeting her mouth passionately once again. They were kissing deeply when the song ended. Kasey’s hand firmly held the back of her neck, indicating no desire to stop. Sage eased their passion into tender touches of their lips and whispered, “Come upstairs with me.”
For a second or two, Kasey tried to raise adequate reason not to, but none came to mind. She took Sage’s hand and followed her unsteadily up the stairs.
In a darkened hallway, in the arms of a seductive Sage Bristo, Kasey Hollander allowed a long-suppressed part of herself its freedom once again. She let hands, unafraid of their power, venture over her until her body radiated heat. She allowed accomplished lips to spark a desire that surged through her body, a desire that needed no confirmation of love, that demanded only continuation. Freely Kasey m
atched Sage kiss for kiss. Their hips, sliding neatly together, fanned the heat of an undeniable ache. Kasey slipped her hand beneath the open buttons at the top of Sage’s shirt and realized how much she missed the feel of warm smooth skin. Thought would not be allowed to alter this course. Not tonight. Not as long as it was this easy, this uncomplicated.
“We need to go into my room,” Sage whispered against her ear. “It’s right behind me.”
A given, really, at this point. Yet Kasey moved only to bring them together in still another deep kiss. Sage’s hands unfastening her bra felt wonderful, moving warmly over her back, sliding boldly around to cover her breasts. Her leg was lifted up and around Sage’s thigh while Sage’s lips traveled the curve of her throat to the base of her neck. The low moan she heard was her own, flowing free as her head tilted backward in a dizzy heat. “Let me take you the rest of the way,” Sage whispered hot against Kasey’s chest. “Let me taste you.”
Kasey’s eyes flashed open with a start. She pressed Sage against the door in a firm embrace, resting her forehead against the flat plane of Sage’s jaw. “I can’t make love with you.”
“What is it you think we’ve been doing?”
“I’m drunk, Sage,” she said, focusing hazily into the brown eyes. “This isn’t love.”
“Does it matter, if it feels this good?”
“Yes,” she said, pulling from Sage’s arms.
Carefully Kasey made her way downstairs in search of her confidante. She found her headed toward the stairs.
“I was just coming to see if you were all right.”
“Sharon ... I ... need to talk to you.”
“You, my dear, are drunk. I’ve never seen you drink this much.”
Kasey put her arms around her friend’s neck and rested against her forehead. “I’m in love, Sharon.”
“With me?” she smiled.
“I’ve always loved you.”
“I know, I know, just not that way. Then I hope you mean Sage.”
Marianne K. Martin - Love in the Balance Page 10