I Do It with the Lights On

by Whitney Way Thore

  Call me a crazy skeptic, but it certainly appears like we’ve been fed massive lies about weight and health for a long time. But why would this happen? Who would benefit from perpetuating this misinformation? Well, the diet industry, for one. In 2012, Americans spent over $60 billion on dieting, including gym memberships, weight-loss surgeries, and diet books and pills. And as hard as it is, we can actually drop out of the diet industry. This feels a bit like breaking up with a lifelong boyfriend, as it’s been part of most women’s lives, well, forever. Approximately 81 percent of ten-year-olds are afraid of being fat. Let that sink in. Ten-year-olds! Forty percent of girls in grades one through three want to be thinner.*6 This is insanity, but you can opt out of it, and choose to focus on your real, holistic health instead. Imagine what would happen if we quit shelling out our money because we hate our bodies and instead put our energy into loving our bodies and showing ourselves compassion. This is exactly what the HAES (Health at Every Size) movement, created by Dr. Linda Bacon, intends to do. As her website (lindabacon.org) says, “She shifts the focus from weight to well-being, giving doctors, dietitians, therapists, and people of all shapes the tools for achieving better fitness, health and even happiness—all without dieting.” In her book, Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight, she expertly busts dogmatic myths about the correlation between weight and health, but just reading this information from pioneers like Dr. Bacon isn’t enough. We have to believe it. We have to live it.

  When we prioritize caring for our bodies over changing our bodies, we can achieve a better balance of physical, mental, and emotional health. I’m not here to say that being fat is better for you than being fit, or that there are no risks associated with being the size I am. But I am here to tell you that hating your body will never get you anywhere faster than loving it will, and that we are not required to spend our lives investing in an industry that sets us up for failure.

  Receiving mixed messages from media certainly doesn’t help, either. The same women’s magazines that are introducing body-positivity into their issues still include full-page advertisements of the latest diets, meal-replacement plans, cleanses, or pills aimed to whip our bodies into shape. These “fixes” may work in the short term, but they are successful (for the diet industry) in the long term precisely because they don’t work. Between one and five years later, a whopping 95 percent of dieters will regain the weight they lost*7 (again, guilty). Crop tops and short shorts are almost always seen on slender women (or maybe a perfectly proportioned size 14 model, if we’re lucky), while we legitimately fat women are relegated to guessing at what a garment might look like on us if we’re fortunate enough to have it come in our size. Media and advertisements are powerful, and the message they sell women is simple: thinness equals happiness. If we are fat, sure, we could be smart or successful in one area of our life, but to truly lasso our Hollywood ending and have it all, we need to be thin. How many times have you seen brilliant, talented, and successful women who have become famous shrink through dieting or surgery to a shadow of their former selves only to yo-yo for the rest of their careers? I’m tired of seeing plus-size women who assert they are happy, healthy, and confident one minute turn into spokeswomen for diet products the next. When will we stop insisting that inside a fat woman exists a thinner, better version of herself just trying to claw her way past the belly flab to get out? There is no thin woman inside of me. I am fat through and through, and the only reason I was able to transform from a miserable fat woman to a happy fat woman with a successful career and a whole lot of love in her life is because I decided to quit waiting to lose weight and become the woman I knew I could be right now.

  Having said all this, I want to emphasize something that I think is even more important: your health is no one else’s business. Just because someone can see weight on a person and that leads them to believe that person is unhealthy does not mean anyone has the right to make another person feel shitty about their body or their health. Weight bias is the last socially acceptable form of prejudice in our society, and it’s getting old, y’all.

  Why can’t we just support each other gently and lovingly? No one has an obligation to seek out a particular level of health. We don’t all have to be triathletes and we don’t all have to eat gluten-free. We are allowed to live happily in the bodies that we have and do the best we can. I don’t understand it when people demand that we seek “the best possible body” we could have. Why? What if I’d rather read a book or spend time with my hypothetical children or whatever? We don’t all have to chase an ideal of physical perfection to be deemed worthy or acceptable. I do love to exercise, whether I am fat or not, but I don’t think it’s fair to tell a fat person they have to exercise any more than we tell a thin person that. Health is more than a number. It is more than the shape and size of our bodies. And it is up to each person to decide what health means for them and how they want to pursue it.

  And that begs the question: how do I want to pursue it? In one word: holistically. Right now I feel grateful to be in good metabolic health, but especially because I have PCOS, I will have to remain hypervigilant of my weight to stave off further complications. Even though I’m not prediabetic now, that doesn’t mean I’ll never be at risk again, and that’s not something I take lightly. While I may be much healthier than the average person assumes I am just based on my size, I’m only thirty-two, and I don’t know what forty-two or fifty-two holds; but I vow to be present in my life and in my health and tweak accordingly. I’d love to be around for some grandchildren. Instead of focusing on the scale, I want to focus on healthy behaviors that I know will help me feel better and promote my overall well-being. Behaviors I want to strive for include taking all of my PCOS medications, using my C-PAP machine to remedy my sleep apnea (an obesity party favor that I’m not a fan of), eating mindfully, and exercising regularly. And weekly appointments with my therapist don’t hurt, either. If I were to master these behaviors, or even significantly improve on them, it’s quite possible that I may lose some weight without even “trying,” but I am quite certain I will never be “thin” (i.e., under 250 pounds) ever again, and that’s okay. Your love for yourself does not have to be conditional. Forget my future husband—I take you, Whitney, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better or worse; for richer or poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish all the days of my life. This is my solemn vow. I mean, seriously, if we’re expected to promise that stuff to our partners, don’t we deserve it for ourselves?

  Hypothetical dream wedding between myself and myself aside, if I woke up tomorrow at my old goal weight of 130 pounds, sure, there would be some good that would come of it. I’d have way more clothing options, and the instant approval of most people who pass me on the street. I would have an Olympic-size dating pool (if I wanted to dip my toe in). Hell, I might even be able to hold a cup between my legs in the car. Those would all be fun things. But if I’m honestly weighing the two (no pun intended), there are more important things that I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have a living record of my misery or happiness. I wouldn’t have skin that shows the battle scars of the woman I fought to become. I wouldn’t have the same confidence, pride, and unconditional love for myself that I gained only from going through hell and back and by learning to live in this body.

  So, dear fat people, what I want to say to you is this: You are loved. You are worthy, and you are capable of so much more than you think. And a number, whether it be on a scale or a measuring tape, cannot quantify the value that you have; it cannot count all the ways that this world needs you; it cannot define your health or project your success. Your weight does not measure your worth.

  And if I can give only one piece of advice, it is this: be visible.

  The first time I really claimed my space and demanded that people see me was during that boudoir photo shoot more than two and a half years ago. That moment changed my life, and I have never looked back. I’ve worked hard to build a career, however
, I know I have the privilege of being appealing to a mainstream audience. Yes, I’m huge, but I have a medical condition that makes other people much more comfortable because they feel they can use it to justify my weight. I have tattoos, but they’re small and easily hidden so as not to offend; I’m white and I’m able-bodied and therefore consistent with the American majority; I have a (marginally) conventionally attractive face, an adorable family, and hilarious friends. Add in dancing skill, a viral video, a heartfelt message and voila—it was the perfect storm. However, I know there are women out there facing greater challenges than I am who stay slaying. They aren’t necessarily the ones garnering media attention, either, and that sucks. Every kind of marginalized person deserves media representation and the only way to strive for that is to make people notice you—in your real life and on user-controlled platforms like the Internet. I don’t care what color you are, how many tattoos you’re covered in, why you’re fat, if you’re able-bodied or not, whether you’re an hourglass or an apple—keep dancing. But do be warned: making yourself visible also invites vulnerability. When you let people in, that includes those who love you unconditionally, the “Sarah Lynns” of the world, and everyone in between. Is it worth it? You bet.

  When you risk a lot, you gain a lot. And when I started taking risks, I found both my bedroom and my life illuminated, and I discovered that the things I’d always wanted were here, right beside me—I just couldn’t see them when I was spinning in circles in the dark. You are the only one who has the power to flip the switch, but body-positivity is an undertaking that has to be lived day in and day out. Sure, you’ll have some sudden light-bulb moments and instantaneous inspiration here and there, but the road to shame-free bliss happens largely in the dark. You have to advance toward a light switch that you can’t see but trust that you’ll ultimately get there. That means slogging through the gloom—wearing that bikini, talking to that love interest, taking that dance class, prioritizing your self-worth over your “attractiveness”—all without being able to pinpoint exactly where you are in the process. But if you keep challenging yourself; if you remember that confidence is a product of action and not the other way around; and if you keep moving forward, one day—sooner than you think—it’ll happen. Boom. You’ll find the switch.

  Lights on.

  * * *

  *1 www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/​m/pubmed/​26841729

  *2 www.nytimes.com/​2013/​06/​19/​business/​ama-recognizes-obesity-as-a-disease.html

  *3 www.theatlantic.com/​health/​archive/​2014/​06/​calories-are-out/​372690

  *4 www.minnpost.com/​second-opinion/​2016/​01/​obese-women-experience-much-more-negative-social-stigma-previously-thought-st

  *5 www.washingtonpost.com/​news/​to-your-health/​wp/​2014/​09/​11/​fat-shaming-doesnt-work-a-new-study-says

  *6 www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/​get-facts-eating-disorders

  *7 Grodstein, F., Levine, R., Spencer, T., Colditz, G. A., & Stampfer, M. J. “Three-year follow-up of participants in a commercial weight loss program. Can you keep it off?” Archives of Internal Medicine (1996), 156 (12), 1302–06; Neumark-Sztainer D., Haines, J., Wall, M., & Eisenberg, M. “Why does dieting predict weight gain in adolescents? Findings from project EAT-II: a 5-year longitudinal study.” Journal of the American Dietetic Association (2007) 103 (3), 448–55.

  For my heroes:

  Mom, Dad, and Hunter

  And for anyone who needs proof that life gets lighter, brighter, and better

  Acknowledgments

  A thousand thank-yous to Ballantine Books for (1) agreeing to publish my book and (2) for making me feel so good about it in the process. To my editor, Sara Weiss, thank you for your patience in dealing with an incredibly anxious and high-strung first-time author (that’s me!). Your steadfast encouragement was so appreciated and so necessary. To my literary agent, Mollie Glick, thank you for being in my corner and advocating for me every step of the way. This dream would not have become a reality without you! To my project manager, superwoman, and friend, Rennie Dyball…sister, thank you for your constant guidance, gentle pushes, and endless reassurances. You made me believe I could write a book—in four months!—because you believed in me and because you held my hand through every single stage. I could never have done this without you (like, literally, I’d still be on chapter 1). I could never repay you for all the time and emotional energy you poured into this project and into me. I am fortunate to have worked with such a brilliant, beautiful, remarkable woman as you and to be able to call you a friend. So many thanks always to my manager, Michael DeFosse, to whom I owe basically everything. Thank you for everything you do, and have always done for me.

  A huge thanks to all the supporters of No Body Shame and fans of My Big Fat Fabulous Life. Thank you for letting me into your life.

  Thank you to all of the people who enrich my life every minute just by being in it—Heather, Donna, Todd, Tal, Ashley, Buddy, Leslie, and Lennie—I love you. Can’t imagine this world without you.

  And thanks to my family…to my mother, my father, and my brother, Hunter, for being the most amazing, supportive, loving human beings on the planet. Hunter, thank you for being the big brother I always wanted. Mommy, thank you for being who I want to be when I grow up—your wit, humor, and beauty are unparalleled. And, Daddy, thank you for teaching me how to be strong. You’ll always be my coach.

  About the Author

  WHITNEY WAY THORE’s viral YouTube series “A Fat Girl Dancing” thrust her into the spotlight and sparked a global conversation about body image, leading her to found the No Body Shame campaign to help people of every variety love and live their lives free of shame. As a body-positive activist and self-love advocate, Whitney has appeared on dozens of national and international television programs and continues to garner attention from media outlets worldwide. Whitney currently stars in TLC’s hit reality show My Big Fat Fabulous Life, which showcases her family and friends, her dance career, and her life with PCOS. When she’s not on TV, Whitney keeps busy by speaking at universities, writing, and dancing. She lives in Greensboro, North Carolina, with her two cats, Henchi and Wanda.

  nobodyshame.com

  Facebook.com/​whitney.thore

  @WhitneyWay

  Instagram.com/​whitneywaythore

  YouTube.com/​user/​nobodyshame

  What’s next on

  your reading list?

  Discover your next

  great read!

  * * *

  Get personalized book picks and up-to-date news about this author.

  Sign up now.