“There’s a but,” he said flatly.
“But I don’t think that’s what you’re asking for. In the other kind of love, you’re willing to give your life to another person. That kind of love comes with promises and commitment and a future. It’s... I can’t offer that to anybody. I don’t have it to give. I just...” I struggled for words.
“Just what?”
“I... nothing.” I took his hand again. “If I had that kind of love to give,” I searched his face, willing him to understand. “If I could, you’d be first in line. But I can’t. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”
“But, Aydan, if this was over... If we weren’t working together...”
“That’s not the reason. It’s just me. I can’t.”
Kane sat in silence, frowning. “It’s your other undercover op, isn’t it?” he asked finally.
“No! I don’t have another undercover op. I’m just fucked up, that’s all.”
“I don’t believe that.” He gazed into my eyes. “I don’t know what’s holding you back, but I know you’re worth waiting for. If things change for you, I’ll be here.”
“Don’t!” I slid down in the seat and held my head in my hands.
Dammit, I’d been so careful to avoid attachments, and now I had one I’d never expected staring me in the face.
I tried to soften my voice. “I don’t want you to wait. It’s not fair to you. I can’t give you what you want. You deserve somebody who can.”
He gently pulled my hands away to search my face, his brow furrowed. “Aydan, I can see you’re trying to do the right thing here, but...”
He stopped. Rubbed at his forehead and blew out a long breath. “I should have known you wouldn’t make a promise you can’t keep.”
After a short silence, he gave me a twisted smile. “I wanted to believe we could have something together. But I see what you mean about promises and commitment. I guess I don’t have that to give, either. I never know when I’ll have to vanish for months at a time. I can’t promise fidelity because I never know what role I’ll need to assume when I’m undercover. As for a future, I could be dead tomorrow.”
He paused. “I guess that second kind of love can’t happen for people like us.”
We gazed at each other for a few moments. “I’m sorry,” I said.
“Me, too.”
I gave him a hopeful smile. “Friends with benefits?”
He sighed and shook his head. “That wouldn’t work. I couldn’t pretend it was just sex for me. It would drive me crazy to think you might be with another man.” He grimaced. “And if the other man was Hellhound, it would just feel... incestuous.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s only incest if you and I are related.”
He frowned. “Very funny. You know what I meant.”
“Does it have to be all or nothing with you?”
Kane nodded regretfully. “You saw how jealous I got. And we didn’t even have a relationship, just a few drug-induced minutes together.”
He dropped his gaze. “I’m actually quite embarrassed about that,” he mumbled. “I’m usually better in bed. A little slower, for one thing. More considerate. And I don’t roll over and fall asleep right away. Or vanish in the woods.”
I laughed. “You were drugged. I think you can be forgiven. Besides, if you’d been any better, I wouldn’t have survived the orgasm. I wouldn’t want it that way every time, but, holy shit, you were incredible.”
He met my eyes with a grin. “I’m glad you thought so. Because you blew my mind. I’ve never lost control like that before.”
“Are you sure we couldn’t just try it again? Now that the drugs are out of your system? In the interests of research,” I added virtuously.
His eyes darkened before he shook his head. “No, that would be a bad idea. Unless you want to have this conversation all over again.”
“So, back to the way we were, then?”
He nodded slowly.
“Damn. Let me know if you ever change your mind about the friends with benefits option.”
“You’ll be the first to know.” His lips quirked up in a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Next time I’m drugged to the eyeballs, I’ll drop by.”
“You do that.”
Chapter 45
I manoeuvred the car out onto the road again and steered back toward the highway. While I drove, I briefed Kane on our plans and gave him the information on Katya.
He frowned. “No connection to Fuzzy Bunny?”
“Not that Spider has been able to find so far. So we’ll have to draw Stemp out using our sting.”
“What exactly do you plan to do?”
I sighed. “I don’t know yet. My first step is to see if I get a response to my message. If I do, I’ll have to figure out a way to bring him into the open and make him do or say something that proves he’s working for Fuzzy Bunny. And somehow record it.” I rubbed the frown lines out of my forehead.
“Aydan, what you’re proposing is incredibly dangerous. Your plan has to be airtight. Don’t forget, this person is smart enough to have remained in a top-level security position unnoticed. And if it is Stemp, he has the full skill set of an experienced field agent, too.”
I snorted. “Thanks for the encouragement. At least I have you for my secret weapon. Everybody thinks you’re dead. Except Stemp. I can probably use that to my advantage somehow. I just have to figure out how. Which reminds me, how can I contact you?”
“Don’t try. I’ll plan to be in visual range whenever possible. If you need to talk to me, move your ‘Support Our Troops’ magnet to the right side of your trunk. I’ll make contact with you somehow.”
“Okay. If you’re going to hide in my trunk again, at least say something before you come through. You scared the hell out of me.”
Kane laughed. “I will.”
About a mile from the highway, he said, “Stop. Let me out here.”
“Are you sure you’ll be okay? Do you need anything?”
“I’m fine.” The laugh lines crinkled around his eyes. “I managed to stay alive all by myself before I had you to take care of me.”
“Sorry,” I said sheepishly. “I know. I’m just...”
“Being a friend,” he finished. “Thanks.”
He leaned over and kissed me lightly before sliding out of the car, and I watched him lope across the field and disappear into a ravine.
I steered the car thoughtfully home. That confrontation had turned out better than it might have, but it had left me feeling wary and off-balance.
I had assumed a man like Kane would avoid personal entanglements and always put duty first. It was flattering but unsettling to discover I’d been wrong. And even though it hadn’t been strictly my fault, I felt terrible that he’d been hurt. I really did lo... like him a lot.
I pulled into my garage and thumped my forehead against the steering wheel a couple of times.
As I hurried into the house, the flashing light on the answering machine caught my eye. I punched the button, and Tom’s concerned voice floated out of the speaker. The timestamp was from the previous day.
“Hi, Aydan, I just wanted to let you know to be careful. My truck got stolen out of my yard, so make sure your garage is locked. And at dawn, I heard some kind of animal making noise down by the creek. There might be a cougar passing through.”
I snickered. First time I’d ever been called a cougar. But at least he hadn’t identified the true nature of the noises. Good thing he hadn’t decided to walk down and investigate.
I gave him a call to thank him for his concern and commiserate over his truck. He assured me that it had been returned undamaged, and warned me again about the cougar. I managed to sound appropriately serious.
By the time I’d showered and dressed and eaten and recorded my distorted voice message, I was late. As I trotted back to the garage, I glimpsed a flash from my windbreak. Could have been a leaf catching the sun. Or could have been a reflection off a scope or a pair
of binoculars. Apparently I was still under surveillance. Had the cameras been reinstalled? Shit, no way to find out without searching.
I called Spider to let him know I was running behind, and made my way as rapidly as possible to Sirius Dynamics. When I arrived slightly breathless at my office, Spider and Smith were both waiting, and I mentally cursed Smith’s malodorous presence.
Spider held out the network key wordlessly and I plopped onto the couch and stepped into the virtual void without speaking. My snoopy little program was empty. No further attempts at communication with Fuzzy Bunny. I decided that was a good sign. Our mole was waiting for a response. Time to give him one.
I spoke to Spider and Smith through the network interface. “I’m going to go in and double-check my program connections. I’ll be invisible for a while.”
“What should I do if you don’t come back?” Spider asked fearfully. “I don’t know if I can help you the way Kane...” his voice choked off.
“Don’t worry, Spider,” I comforted him. “I’ll get back here one way or another. I shouldn’t be gone long.” As I faded into invisibility, I fervently hoped it was the truth. I hadn’t realized before exactly how much I had counted on Kane to rescue me when things got hairy. Thank God he was still alive. For now.
I followed my shimmering thread of connection down the data tunnels to Fuzzy Bunny’s firewall. Hovering outside it, I shaped a burst of data into the number of the disposable cell phone and floated it down the virtual pathways to its destination.
Here you go, mole. For a good time, call this number.
I snapped my consciousness back to the familiar walls of Sirius’s virtual file room. My heart didn’t seem to want to slow down, and I hovered invisibly while I tried to overcome my slightly queasy excitement. The first step had been taken. Now we had to play the waiting game. When I could fake calm again, I faded back into visibility and started decrypting the next file in the stack.
When the signalling blip stabbed me behind the eyes, I jerked out of my absorption. I blinked dumbly for a few seconds before I registered my surroundings again.
“What’s up, Spider?” I inquired.
“Lunch time. Come on out.”
“Oh!” I glanced at the time and realized that in fact it was closer to one o’clock. I suppressed a smile. Spider probably wanted to take a later lunch so he could hack into Stemp’s regular one o’clock session. I stepped carefully through the portal and back into reality.
I sucked air through my teeth and hugged my head. Jeez, the only thing that could improve this rotten experience was the addition of Smith’s stench.
Truly I was blessed.
Not.
Chapter 46
At the Melted Spoon, Spider immediately set up his laptop and began to type. I drifted to the counter to order food for both of us. When I returned to the table, I put his sandwich beside him and he abstractedly munched at it, his eyes riveted to the screen.
“There!” He swivelled the laptop around so we could both see the screen. “Look at this. Every time, he uses a different routing system to contact her.”
He traced the line of complicated text above the session. “See how he’s bouncing the message around to hide his trail? He spoofs an IP here, here, and here. And this explains why he always goes to the internet cafe instead of using his home computer. The IP addresses rotate more frequently, and he uses a different terminal each time. You weren’t kidding when you said he was twisty. ”
“And he apparently knows his way around computers, too.” I rubbed at the frown lines in my forehead. “I don’t like this. With his background, he’s going to be really hard to nail.”
We both watched while the online conversation progressed. I shifted impatiently in the hard chair. “They’re not saying anything. It’s all just ‘How was your day’ stuff.” I blinked. “Oops. And pillow talk. Whoa. Too much information.”
I glanced over at Spider’s scarlet face. “Is this their usual conversation? Could they be using a code?”
He averted his eyes from the steamy exchange on the screen. “If they are, I haven’t been able to figure it out. I’ve been running some decryption algorithms on it, but I’m not getting anything.” His eyes narrowed in sudden thought. “Maybe you could decrypt it. If you were inside the network.”
I sat up with sudden hope before slouching back into my chair. “But I couldn’t, because the Sirius network is all monitored.”
“That’s true, but you’re invisible.” Spider grinned at my expression as I thumped my fist against my forehead.
“Shit, you’re right. Lucky one of us has a functional brain. So all I have to do is sneak into the tunnels while he’s online. It never even occurred to me to try because I don’t have a clue about hacking into computers from the outside.”
He swivelled the laptop back in front of himself again. “That’s it, they’re done.” He blushed again. “I mean... the session is ending.”
I hid a smile. “I guess we’d better get back, too. Maybe I’ll manufacture a reason to work late tonight. Say, around nine o’clock.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
We were halfway back to Sirius when my butt vibrated.
I snatched the disposable phone out of my pocket. “Bingo! We got a bite. I bet Stemp’s still on his lunch break. First he talks to Katya, then he calls us.” I showed Spider my teeth. “I can hardly wait to nail that bastard. It’s his turn to suffer. And he will. Oh, he will.”
Spider’s eyes were wide as he took a step back. “Um, Aydan, you’re scaring me again.”
“Sorry.” I attempted to convert my expression to something a little closer to neutral.
“Now what?” he asked cautiously.
“Now we reeeeeeel him in.” I grinned.
“How?”
“In my phone message, I told him to watch Craigslist for an online ad for a pink and blue Fuzzy Bunny brand teddy bear.” I wiped the phone off thoroughly with the tail of my sweatshirt and dropped it into a garbage bin as we walked by.
“What are you doing?” Spider demanded. “What if he calls again?”
“He’ll get the same message, unless the phone dies in the mean time. And if he manages to trace the phone, he’ll find it in the dump.”
I kept walking, and he caught up to me after a few paces.
“I told him the ad would contain a link to a web page with instructions,” I continued. “It’ll look like a ‘Page not found’ notification from Fuzzy Bunny’s server, but I’ll hide the instructions in HTML comments so they won’t be visible to browsers. I told him to view the source code to read them. As soon as I know he’s viewed the page, I’ll take it down.”
“Speaking of twisty...” Spider squinted at me warily. “I thought you said you were a bookkeeper.”
“Jesus, Spider, not you, too!” I yanked a handful of my hair.
“What?”
“Never mind,” I told him as we walked up the front steps of Sirius Dynamics. “Let’s talk after work.”
“Okay...”
The hesitation in his voice made me demand, “What?”
“Um. Actually, I’m having dinner with Linda.” His cheeks were pink, and he didn’t meet my eyes.
I laughed. “Okay, Romeo. Can you make it to your office at eight for a planning session? Or is this going to be an all-night thing?”
His flush deepened. “No! I mean... Yes, I can be there by eight. Linda’s on the night shift, and she starts at eight.”
“Okay, I’ll tell Smith we’ll be here at nine.”
Spider eyed me as we signed for our fobs again. “Do you have to?”
“Might as well. We’ve got nothing to hide, right?”
Comprehension filled his eyes. “Oh. Right, of course.”
At eight o’clock, I pulled up outside the shared office. There was no sign of Spider, so I leaned against my car. While I waited, I casually moved my trunk magnet over to the opposite side. I was pretty sure I was going to need Kane’s help with t
he next steps.
At ten after eight, Spider’s car swung around the corner and pulled up with a jerk behind mine. He scrambled out of the driver’s seat, his lanky limbs awkwardly uncoordinated in his haste.
“Sorry I’m late,” he panted.
Clearly the date had gone well. His normally tidy short hair was mussed, and he was smiling in spite of his apologetic air. With an effort, I restrained myself from making a smartass comment and followed him up the walk and into the office.
By ten to nine, we had a plan. Spider hovered nervously while we walked toward our cars. “I still don’t like it, Aydan. It’s too dangerous. I won’t be able to do anything to help you, you know that. You need somebody like...” His voice trailed off. “...Germain,” he substituted determinedly. “You should ask him to help.”
I bit my tongue. I couldn’t tell him Kane would be there to cover our backs. And I didn’t want to involve Germain at all. He was my backup plan if things went seriously sideways.
“Remember, Germain’s still on our suspect list,” I reminded him. I didn’t believe for a minute that Germain was the leak, but it made a good excuse.
Spider’s shoulders sagged. “I guess you’re right.”
At Sirius, I held my breath through Smith’s offensive aura and dove into the network. “I’m going to go invisible and check my program,” I lied.
My heart pounded. Point of no return.
I faded into invisibility and stretched down the data tunnels.
Chapter 47
I slipped my fake web page onto a convenient server before creating a convoluted trail, ping-ponging through various connections to lead to it. Then I burrowed into Craigslist and placed my ad.
It was frighteningly easy.
I suppressed a shudder at the sheer potential for disaster. I could go anywhere in cyberspace. Read any document, browse through any server, drift through firewalls as if they didn’t even exist. And I didn’t leave a trace.
I had a fleeting thought that it might have been better if Kane had actually killed me. Nobody should have this kind of power. And what if there were other network keys out there? Other people who could do what I could?
Reach For the Spy Page 29