Never the Same

by Michele L. Rivera

  “Let me guess…you?”

  “Bingo.”

  “I write multiple posts per month. Care to tell me more specifically what issue I discussed that got you to resent me before you even met me? Talk about judging.”

  “Nah. I care not.” Lennox tapped the slab of oval wood in front of her and took a step back. “It’s been swell chatting. I’m out,” she said and exited the building.

  Paige stared, dumbfounded, at the door. “Who the hell does she think she is?”

  “Conversing with yourself again? Buddy, that’s not healthy.” Justin patted the top of Paige’s head.

  “She’s cute, isn’t she?” Keira asked Paige.

  “What? No! She’s rude.”

  “But really she’s not,” Marissa chimed in.

  “She criticized my blog for no reason.”

  “She probably had a reason,” Justin said.

  “You guys are my friends. You come to my defense,” Paige said.

  “I wouldn’t mind being her friend. Did you see her ass?” Justin asked.

  “Mmm. I did.” Marissa nodded with a smile.

  “Jesus, Rissa! Callie is right here. Have you no respect?” Paige looked at Callie. “Callie?”

  Callie shrugged. “I’m with them. Sorry.”

  “Aargh! Really? Then will someone inform me as to what her damage is?” Paige asked.

  “It’s not her arse. That’s for sure.” Justin high-fived Marissa, Callie, and Keira.

  “Wow.” Paige glowered at her friends. “That’s it. Just wow.”

  “Listen, Paige. Every once in a while, your commentary is…um. It’s…” Marissa looked at Callie, Keira, and Justin. “It’s…”

  “Harsh,” Justin said.

  Paige’s eyes widened. “Is not!”

  “Eh. It can be.” Keira chugged her bottled water.

  “Marissa? Callie?”

  “Damn it.” Marissa put her drink down. “Fine. And I’m saying this as your pal, but you’re out of line sometimes.”

  Paige snorted. “Like when?”

  “Oh. Let me try to recall.” Marissa exhaled. “Ah! Yes. A few weeks ago there was that one about bisexuality.”

  “What about it?”

  “You said things that were a weensy bit extremist.”

  “And biphobic,” Callie said.

  “And you stereotyped…a lot,” Keira added.

  Paige held out her arms. “So? It’s a blog for lesbians.”

  “Yeah. See? That’s the kind of attitude that makes people wanna hate on you,” Marissa said.

  “I don’t understand. They’re bi. They’re not gay.”

  Marissa cringed. “Yikes.”

  “Yikes?”

  Callie placed her hand on Marissa’s shoulder. “I’ve got this.” Then she turned to Paige. “We’re supposed to be a community. LGBTQI.”

  Paige nodded. “We are.”

  “An inclusive community,” Marissa said.

  “Okay. And?”

  Justin ruffled Paige’s brown hair. “Paigey. Including the ‘B.’”

  “Why? They have more heterosexual privileges than we do.”

  “Not necessarily,” Keira said.

  “And at the end of the day, we’re all a bunch of queers,” Marissa said.

  Justin coughed. “Try again.”

  Marissa eyeballed Justin. “C’mon, man. You’re with us everywhere we go. You’re an honorary queer.”

  Justin gave a tight-lipped smile. “Thanks for that, Rissa.”

  “No prob.”

  “Whatever,” Paige said. “That doesn’t explain why that chic—”

  “Methinks she goes by Lennox.” Justin chuckled.

  “My apologies. Why is Lennox so pissed?” Paige asked.

  Marissa gaped and placed her palm against her head. “Paige! What planet are you on?”

  Paige shook her head. “What? What’s happening?”

  Marissa sighed. “Lennox. She’s bisexual. She told me.”

  Paige’s features contorted. “Noooo. No. She sent my gaydar through the roof.”

  “Cuz she fucks girls,” Marissa said. “I think she’s single. I can find out.”

  “Don’t bother.”

  “Why the hell not?”

  “I’m not interested.”

  “Oh please! You are very interested.”

  Justin, Callie, and Keira nodded simultaneously.

  “Not anymore,” Paige said. “Not if she can’t pick a team.”

  “I didn’t realize you were such a bigot,” Marissa said.

  “I didn’t realize you were a traitor.”

  “Screw you! She’s one of us.”

  “No, she is not,” Paige said. “How the heck do you know her anyways?”

  “She’s our potential new drummer. You might want to get used to her, because if we vote her in then she’ll become part of our clan here.”

  “What? Am I the only one who will fight to keep our ‘clan’ exclusively lesbian?” Paige looked contritely at Justin.

  “No worries,” Justin said.

  “Have you forgotten that you’re opposed to exclusivity?” Marissa asked.

  “On the contrary, I remembered something. That what I stand for has exceptions. Goodnight, everyone.”

  Chapter Three

  Paige stormed out of the dingy, hormone-filled locale that was Juice and into September’s muggy, Western Massachusetts night air. Having been born and raised in a small city on the outskirts of Boston, roughly a two-hour commute away, the unpredictable New England weather didn’t cause Paige consternation. It was not unusual for one to sport a sweatshirt in July or a pair of shorts at the beginning of October, or sometimes even later in the year.

  Paige stomped along the sidewalk until she reached her used, decade-old, tan sedan. She unlocked the door and flopped behind the wheel. Once secured inside, she started the engine and the radio automatically came on. Paige leaned back against the headrest, shut her artic blue eyes, and waited for the familiar ’80s ballad to end. She sang the lyrics lowly and off key. When the music attenuated and a commercial began, Paige looked at the clock. Her stomach sank. It was 11:07, what would’ve been their upcoming anniversary date. November seventh.

  “Fuck it,” she said, pulled the car onto the road, and drove.

  At 1:02 a.m., after driving aimlessly around the burbs since leaving the club, Paige parked in the “visitors only” space at the rear of a five-story, brick building. She lulled the motor and stared through the windshield up at the third row of windows from the ground. She took a deep breath, unfastened her seatbelt, and got out of the vehicle. She moved her head from side to side to alleviate the crick in her neck. Costively, she walked to the entrance of the apartment.

  She opened the door and stood in the foyer, which smelled of lemon floor wax mixed with garlic and cumin. Paige scrunched her nose at the putrid odor as her fingertip went for the white button next to the number thirty-six. She pressed it and then thrust her hands into her jeans pockets to feign nonchalance.

  After several minutes, Hanna’s sleep-laden voice responded to the buzzer. “Hello? Who’s there?”

  “Uh. Hey. It’s me.”

  “Paige? What on earth are you doing here at this ungodly hour?”

  “I just wanted to say…er…good morning.”

  “Aargh!”

  “Permission to come in?”

  Nothing happened on the other end of the speaker. There wasn’t even the static of a faulty connection.

  Paige’s shoulders slouched despondently. “Okay. That went well.” She gyred to the exit as the click of a lock sounded behind her.

  “You woke me up and now you’re leaving?” Hanna asked.

  Paige pivoted slowly to confront the voice. She smiled once her lonely gaze met Hanna’s heavy-lidded one. “Hi. How are you?”

  Hanna’s bewitching, onyx eyes glared at Paige. She scratched the top of her head, her short, bleach-blonde hair matted from resting on a pillow for too long. “
What do you want?”

  “Aren’t you gonna invite me in?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “This can’t keep happening,” Hanna said.

  Paige moved closer. “What can’t keep happening?” she asked softly.

  “Us. This. Casual sex. No more.”

  “But you like it.”

  Hanna placed her palm on Paige’s shoulder. “Because warm bodies usually do feel good. That is, until they’re torn apart. Then it’s cold all over again. We broke up.”

  Paige twitched, but not enough to escape Hanna’s touch. “I know. I was there.”

  “We need to function as if we’re not together anymore because we’re not. Together. Okay?”

  “Why the precipitous moral code of conduct?”

  Hanna’s arm dropped to her side. “I don’t. That’s not. Listen, Paige—”

  “There’s another girl in your bed. Am I right?”

  Hanna let out a low growl. “Yes. There’s someone else. Now please go.”

  “Wait.”

  “What?”

  “Tell me why you dumped me. I really—”

  “Jesus, Paige,” Hanna hissed. “We’ve been through this. We’re not an ideal match. We fought endlessly. We were miserable.”

  “It wasn’t that bad.”

  Hanna sighed. “But it was.”

  “So is there like one thing about me you can pinpoint? That way I can better myself for the ladies in the dating pool.”

  “Hold up. You want my input for eventual relationships?”

  “I do.”

  “That’s demented.”

  “Indulge me,” Paige said.

  “Fine. Here’s a tip. Ready?”

  “Yes. Go on.”

  “Don’t fuck your exes.”

  “But you—”

  “Ah! No,” Hanna said. “We’re very different people, which is why we are not suitable companions for each other. Understand?”

  “You did love me though. Didn’t you?” Paige asked.

  “Are you having some kind of crisis? What is this about?”

  “Can you answer me?”

  Hanna shook her head. “Paige.”

  “Hanna?”

  “Yeah. I loved you.”

  “Were you ever in love with me?”

  “I told you.”

  Paige exhaled and nodded. “Right.”

  “But I don’t regret us.”

  Paige swallowed the water making a plight to leak from beneath her thick lashes. “Me either.”

  “Goodbye, Paige.”

  “Okay. Bye, Hanna.”

  “For real. Alright?”

  “Roger that.”

  “Don’t be facetious.”

  “I’m not. We’re done. I got it.” Paige turned and walked to the door.

  “Oh and uh, one more thing.”

  Paige glanced at Hanna. “Yeah?”

  “Can you forbear writing stories about us on your blog?”

  “I gave you an alias.”

  “Paige.”

  “Sure.”

  As Paige tiptoed inside her dorm room, the lamp in the corner suddenly switched on.

  “Well, hello there.” Keira was sitting up in her bed.

  Paige jumped. Her hand flew to her chest. “Shit, K!”

  Keira chuckled. “Sorry. Did I frighten you?”

  “Yes! You did. Asshole.” Paige plopped down on her own mattress and kicked off her combat boots. “Why are you still awake?”

  “Why are you creeping in at 1:45 in the morning?”

  “Shh. Go to sleep.”

  “Paige! You didn’t. Did you?”

  “Did I what?”

  “I knew it!”

  “What?” Paige asked again.

  “You went to see Hanna. Don’t even try to lie.”

  “I. Uh. No. I…”

  “You’re trying aaand you’re failing,” Keira said.

  “Keira! Nothing came of it.”

  “She rejected you, huh? Ouch.”

  “Why would you think that?”

  “I’ve been observing your calamitous behavior for two years.” Keira put her index finger to her head. “It’s all in here. I’m versed in you and your ways.”

  Paige took the elastic out of her hair. Her long, dark brown tresses fell past her shoulders with chin-length layers in both the back and framing her face. She swapped her blue, ringer tee shirt, which made her eyes pop, for an over-sized pajama jersey. She wiggled her pants down, her bottom half concealed by navy boy shorts, and got under the sheets. She released an exaggerated breath through her nose. “And what ways are those, Keira? Wow me.”

  “When we graduate, I will miss how you superlatively undress while seated.”

  “You watch?”

  “Duh,” Keira said. “You’re comely and we live together. Plus, I have twenty-twenty vision.”

  “That’s the best adjective you’ve got to describe me?” Paige asked. “I’m buying you a thesaurus for the holidays.”

  “I thought ‘vitriolic’ might upset you, although it is more exact.”

  “What? First you compliment me and then you insult me!”

  “At the club. Your whole biphobia thing. Not copacetic.”

  “But that doesn’t make me a bitch,” Paige said.

  “Eh. That’s contestable.”

  “Aargh! Not now. I’m begging you.”

  Keira shook her head. “Okay, but prepare yourself for Rissa’s wrath in the morning.”

  “Christ.”

  “That’s right. Start praying.”

  “Keira?”

  “Hmm?”

  “My ways. What are they?”

  “Oh. Yeah. Your nudity detracted my thought process. Basically what I was going to say is that you seemingly get a high from torturing yourself. What’s with that?”

  “False.”

  “Define habitual slumber parties with your ex, who I do reckon left you destroyed.”

  “Getting laid,” Paige said.

  “She ruined you.”

  “No. She surprised me. I had presumed the fondness was mutual. I should’ve verified.”

  “Self-blaming? Uh uh. She duped you. She’s nefarious,” Keira said.

  “She’s not evil. She’s a wanderer. She’ll find her path.”

  “Ha! And where might her destination be? With you?”

  “Possibly.”

  “Paige! You are so disillusioned by her. She’s gone. You gotta move along.”

  “Alright!” Paige folded her hands on her stomach and glanced across the room at Keira. “Is that all?”

  “I’ve only just begun. You have a thing for girls you can’t have.”

  “Come on!”

  “Marissa.”

  “What about her?” Paige asked.

  “Your little fuckfest freshman year. How was I supposed to study? I wasn’t even allowed in here. I loathed that semester because of you two horn dogs.”

  “Sorry? We were making the most of our newfound friendship,” Paige said.

  “I’ll say.”

  “You’ve been holding that in for this long?”

  “It takes me a while to formulate my feelings and convey them.”

  “Wow.”

  “But I digress,” Keira said. “Sexing your friends—fatal. Again with the cataclysmic tendencies.”

  “It was an unsustainable affair only because I’m not as…um…wild as Rissa, who, at the time, was ultra noncommital whereas I wanted more.”

  “Mmm.”

  “And I am wholly remorseful for being a rotten bunkmate,” Paige said. “I’ll make it up to you. Tell me how.”

  “Come to tryouts tomorrow.”

  “Fine. Done.”

  Keira sniggered. “Cool. You can check out Lennox with us. Maybe even speak to her as if she were a person.”

  “Ah shit! You trapped me!”

  “I won’t let you turn someone into an enemy before you get to know them. Your proclivity to d
o that probably stems from your holier than thou mentality, which has to go. And that was the last of your ‘ways’ I had to address.” Keira shut the light off. “Goodnight.”

  Chapter Four

  Paige took her cappuccino from the barista at the busy café where she was meeting Justin. She went over to the somewhat secluded table located in a cramped cranny by the bathroom. She sat across from Justin, who was wolfing down the remaining piece of a raspberry danish. Paige smiled.

  “Hungry?” Paige asked.

  Justin nodded and slurped on his coffee. “I was but now I’m cured. Thanks for breakfast.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Why didn’t you want to eat in the caf?”

  “I thought it would be nice to have some alone time with my best bud,” Paige said.

  “Where’s Marissa?”

  “Um. My male best bud.”

  Justin narrowed his brow. “What did you do?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Paaaige.”

  “Justiiin,” Paige expertly mimicked Justin’s chiding timbre.

  “Out with it.”

  “This stays between you and me. Yes?”

  “Yes,” Justin said.

  “I’m avoiding Marissa.”

  “Because she’s gonna berate you for the callous remarks you made at the club?”

  Paige’s upper lip curled in annoyance. “Partially, and it will be much worse if Keira—”

  Justin held up his hand. “She already sent us a group text this morning about how you went to Hanna’s yesterday for…a snuggle?”

  Paige closed her eyes, let out a long breath, and pulled the visor of her baseball cap down further on her forehead. “Damn.”

  “We’ve talked about this, Paigey.”

  “Don’t call me that. And it was harmless.”

  “Au contraire. It’s reckless. You’re like addicted to her. Whenever you’re distraught, she’s your go-to drug.”

  “I’m not a fiend. I can contain myself, thanks. And what gave you the idea that I was distressed?”

  Justin smirked. “You wanted that Lennox girl and it tore you up when you found out she’s bi. That, my friend, is a stressor. Being the psychology minor you are and all, you know that stressors often propel people who are users to turn to their substance of choice. For you, that’s Hanna.”

  “Nah uh.”

  “Yessa. So that’s why I’ve been nominated to escort you to Callie’s garage this afternoon,” Justin said.