“I know we haven't spoken about what happened at Christmas...”
Haley had done such an excellent job of distracting herself, his mention of that particular disaster took her by surprise, and she stumbled on a gap in the wooden planks, grabbing for the railing. Ryan's hands gripped her hips firmly, steadying her, then fell away as she gazed into the calm, blue water, entirely at odds with the storm of emotions inside her. “Ryan, I feel awful about what happened. I didn't mean to lead you on.”
“You didn't. For months you told me it was over, but I wouldn’t listen because I thought if we could just spend some time together, things would work out. I needed that night to happen. Needed the wakeup call.”
Her head snapped up with surprise. “Really?”
He leaned against the railing and gazed out at the strip of horizon visible between the cliffs. “I'd been in denial far too long. Had no idea how screwed up I was, waiting for you to come back to me as though that would fix my problems. When you walked away that day, I knew I needed help.”
Curiosity piqued, she turned, leaning back against the railing, her elbows hanging over the side. His face appeared somber as he swallowed roughly. This was hard for him. “You got help?”
Ryan nodded and gripped the railing, stretching his arms. “Finally got some therapy. I'd been carrying so much baggage already from losing Mom. Your shooting opened up that old wound. It's taken a lot of work, but the nightmares have stopped and I'm feeling like myself again.”
Instinctively, she reached out to him, laying her hand on his forearm. “I'm happy for you, Ryan. It hurt to see you suffer.”
He laid a hand over hers. Tingles broke out on the skin of her fingers and moved quickly up her arm until her body sang with relief at the familiar touch. Her gaze met his and she lost herself in his eyes. The love and hope she saw there mirrored her own growing feelings, and set off an alarm in her brain. Heart thudding, her fight or flight response kicked in. It overwhelmed her. She snatched her hand away, tugging at the hem of her red cotton tee.
Duke barked playfully at the teenagers tossing a neon pink and green beach ball and pranced along the promenade waiting for it to be his turn to play.
A welcome distraction.
“Duke, come here.” Ryan snapped his fingers and Duke reluctantly trotted back to them. He sat and stared at the kids in the water, his head ping-ponging as he tracked the movement of the beach ball.
“There’s something else I wanted to discuss.”
Please don't ruin this fragile friendship.
Confirmation he’d been able to tackle his demons made her wonder if being free of their relationship had been good for him. Would reuniting, essentially exposing him to daily anxiety over her job, undo the progress he'd made. She could never allow it. She loved him too much.
“I've been part of a project to start a support group for First Responders and their family and friends.”
“Oh.” Her stunned brain struggled to produce a response to the surprising news. It was possibly the last thing she'd expected.
Talk about self-centered. This had nothing to do with her, or him wanting her. At this moment he wanted to reach out, sharing his journey and achievements with her. His friend. She wanted that, too...but a victory like this shouldn’t feel hollow.
“The program trial's been running for a couple of months and we’ve recently received approval to continue permanently. They're even going to run a trial in a couple of other counties, too.” He grinned and shook out his hands, an adorable way to release excess energy. “I can't believe it's actually come together and we'll be able to help more people.”
Time to lock her ridiculous thoughts and feelings away. She could obsess over them with a truck-load of sweet and salty popcorn later. Haley focused her attention on her best friend; once again the man she knew and loved. Her heart swelled with pride. He'd done it. Fought his own demons and figured out a way to help others. “That's incredible. I'm so proud of you.”
For an awkward moment, she debated hugging him, but he stepped back and blushed—a reaction she’d seen several times lately. Strange for a man who’d proven immune to embarrassment since birth. “The group is meeting tomorrow night and I hope you’ll come along.”
A simple request, and she'd have accompanied him without question in the past. But this meant something. The intensity in his eyes captured her, drew her in. If she went with him tonight, the door of possibility between them opened, because the biggest roadblock to their happiness—his inability to deal with the risks of her job—no longer existed. Theoretically.
But she couldn't trust her own judgment. Her instincts and ability to read this man no longer foolproof. The riot of emotions building inside began to suffocate. She'd spent a torturous year determined to let go of Ryan and their relationship. It became part of her purpose, along with proving to her colleagues, her family, her friends—hell, the whole damn world—that she was strong, confident, a survivor.
Now what? Knowing Ryan overcame his issues only highlighted how little she acknowledged her own. Self-doubt crashed down on her.
Haley cleared her throat. “I'm happy you found the help you needed and you've been able to help others, but I don't think it's a good idea for me to join you.”
She backed up from the railing, and pulled Duke’s leash from her pocket, ready to turn back to shore, but the warm grip of Ryan’s hand on her upper arm stopped her. She looked up at him, and his big brown eyes begged for her to listen. “Please? Not for me, but for you.”
Her breath caught at the notion he’d witnessed her struggling. Apparently, just like her friends, he’d seen through her bravado. A tendril of shame curled its way through her veins, but she ignored it. She was stronger than this. “Why do you think I should go?”
“Since I pulled my head out of my ass, I've seen the way this has changed you. I see how hard you push yourself physically. I see the walls you've built around yourself emotionally.” He tucked a stray curl behind her ear, his thumb softly stroking the skin of her cheek as if gentling the harsh reality of his message. “Haley, I see the strong, caring, passionate, and fearless woman you've always been standing right in front of me. I wish you could see her, too.”
Haley never doubted herself this way...not until the shooting. That bullet stole her identity. Or she thought it had, but maybe not, because Ryan always saw her clearest of all.
“You sound like a shrink.” Her smile wobbled along with her voice.
“I've spent a lot of time with mine...and you may have come up in discussion a time or two.” His self-deprecating smile tugged at her insides. He stood straighter, determined. “I hijacked your recovery, Hales. We should have been focused on you and how you were coping, but I managed to make it all about me. It's been the biggest realization in therapy. It’s my biggest regret.”
Her throat tightened and her eyes misted as she absorbed those words. Blame for giving up on him, making him miserable, had festered within. Now, the guilt which gripped its sharp talons around her chest finally loosened.
“Thank you for saying that.”
Everything stilled and she found herself trapped by his warm gaze. She could drown in the love, longing and regret swirling in those gorgeous brown eyes. His breath hitched and he moved closer, leaving only inches between them. His tongue swiped against his bottom lip and her own lips tingled with the need to kiss him.
A deep bark shattered the moment, followed by a large splash which sent water droplets flying up at them. The teens on the pontoon cheered and hollered as Duke surfaced from the water and paddled toward them after his dive.
Haley’s heart thundered and she gripped Ryan’s arm like a vice until Duke scrambled onto the pontoon, and shook, spraying seawater over his new friends.
He’s fine.
But damn if he hadn’t wiped a good ten years off her life.
“What’s his name?” a boy in board shorts with tight blonde curls shouted up to them as he knelt by Duke’s side.
>
“Duke,” Ryan called out in response.
Haley peered over the edge of the promenade. The drop couldn’t be more than six feet, not even as high as the diving board, but still, she could kill Duke for scaring her like that. How did people cope with actual human children?
“Is it cool if we play with him for a while?” A girl in a bikini, her dark hair caught in a ponytail, grinned up at them from the wooden pontoon. Beside her, Duke rolled onto his back, accepting belly rubs from several of the teens who appeared around sixteen years of age.
Ryan shrugged at her. “There’s no way to get him back up here, he’ll never make the stairs. May as well let him have some fun before he goes ashore.”
Their furbaby lapped up the attention and Haley didn’t have the heart to ruin his adventure. “Fine. But you’re going in after him if he won’t get out.”
“Deal.” Ryan sat on the inner edge of the promenade, his feet hanging over the edge, his arms dangling over the railing Duke must have ducked under before his jump.
Haley sat beside him and smiled at Duke as he jumped back in the water to paddle after the beach ball.
“The support group meets tomorrow night.” Ryan turned to face her. “I hoped you’d check it out. And I'm happy to give it a miss this week if you'd prefer me not to be there.”
She'd enjoy opening up to a bunch of strangers as much as she enjoyed a bikini wax, but she needed this. Needed to be brave.
But could she open up in front of Ryan? The vulnerability in that act could be paralyzing.
“Whatever you need, Hales. I've got your six.”
I've got your six.
They'd picked up the line from their favorite cop show in second grade and had used it ever since. And just like that, her best friend returned. She wanted his support through this.
“What if I say something to upset you?”
Ryan shook his head. “It's not about me. I've worked through this stuff and know my blame in it all. Besides, I've almost run out of things to talk about in therapy. You might give me some new material.”
A laugh escaped her lips and she leaned into him like she'd done a million times before. He wrapped his arm around her, holding her close. It felt good. Like she belonged.
Chapter Six
Dad’s stopped tossing and turning at night... but I still sneak under the covers.
~ Duke Harper-O’Connor
Ryan's life fell into two distinct categories.
Before the shooting.
After the shooting.
Happiness.
Loss.
Now his worlds collided. Was he was insane for bringing Haley to his safe space tonight? The familiar old red brick walls and grey linoleum flooring of Hideaway Bay's Community Center seemed a little foreign with Haley by his side. In truth, his whole world had been slightly off-kilter since their chat the night before.
He glanced around the space with fresh eyes. Only a few folding chairs remained empty. Familiar faces watched him and the woman beside him with undisguised interest.
He'd introduced her to the group over pre-meeting coffee and donuts. Everyone had heard so much about her these past months, and understandably she'd seemed a little disconcerted by that at first, like he may have painted her as a villain in his story, but she soon relaxed as others welcomed her warmly, like any other new member of the group. He'd been truthful about knowing his blame in the situation, and these people witnessed his journey of figuring that out.
The meeting followed its usual format, starting with a discussion about dealing with anxiety, this week's theme being mindfulness, including techniques ranging from yoga to coloring books. Then the floor opened for group members to speak. He hadn't expected Haley to take that step tonight. His first meeting had been so overwhelming that if he hadn't been the one to organize the program, he'd happily have sat at the back of the room pretending he wasn't even there. But that wasn't Haley's style. She faced things head on.
She stood at the front of the group fidgeting with her watch, her gaze darting from person to person until it settled on him. He sent her an encouraging smile which she returned before taking a deep breath and rolling her shoulders with the same determination she showed getting ready for a sparring match.
“My name's Haley and I'm an officer with the Hideaway Bay Police Department. A year ago, my partner and I were called to a domestic disturbance and I was shot.”
He listened, captivated by her explanation of all that happened that fateful day, the consequent unraveling of their relationship, and her struggles at work. The fellow cops in the room nodded in agreement as she discussed the need to project confidence and control at all times.
He'd known it would be painful hearing Haley express how she saw the events unfold, but it hit him harder than he'd expected. His guilt at missing the signs of what she'd been going through sat heavy in his gut, but he'd learned to accept those difficult emotions were part of the process and he needed to sit with them, then let them go.
But the longer she spoke, her story so entwined with his, a small sense of unease settled over him. Tonight should help her sort through her own issues, but even now she focused so much on him and his struggles, the problems in their relationship—worst of all the guilt she felt for giving up on them—instead of how the shooting affected her, separate from the fallout at home.
He glanced across to the group leader, his therapist, Dr. Whittaker who watched Haley thoughtfully. He didn't let much show, but as Dr. Whittaker sat taller, his dig deeper face emerged. Ryan knew that particular expression, and what would follow.
“Haley, thank you for sharing. That's a lot of trauma you went through and it was brave of you to share with us today.” The group nodded and murmured their agreement. “You've been so open about the breakdown of your relationship, which is extremely difficult to discuss, but I'm wondering if you'd be willing to expand on how you coped with the incident. How did being shot affect you personally, separate from your relationship with Ryan?”
Ryan squirmed, familiar with how uncomfortable it could be when forced to examine your feelings that way, but he'd brought her here to confront her issues. He straightened, straining with every atom, every cell to be closer to her. To support her.
“Um...” Haley untied and retied the elastic in her hair, then tugged at the bottom of her shirt. “I thought I was fine. Honestly, focusing on someone else helped me get through those first few weeks.” Her eyes sought his again and she bit her lip before looking back to Dr. Whittaker. “I guess I was in denial because it completely took me by surprise the first time I flipped out and lost my cool.”
Ryan frowned. She'd never seemed anything but in control of her emotions. He’d missed the signs.
“My physical therapy progressed well with the expectation I’d return to work for light duties as soon as possible. Things had been strained at home and I decided to make Ryan a nice dinner after he came off a twenty-four-hour shift, but I was still in a sling and I struggled with the simple act of getting water in the pot, let alone unscrewing the lid off the pasta sauce... I felt so weak and useless.”
She swallowed roughly and blushed with embarrassment. “It infuriated me that I couldn’t manage this one basic task. I threw the jar against the wall...and the damn thing didn't even have the decency to shatter. Something finally broke inside me. I threw the jar again until it shattered then sobbed for a good hour...”
He remembered that day. He'd found the broken glass jar in the trash and wanted to ask her about it, but she'd been quiet, withdrawn, and went to sleep before he made it to bed. Now he knew why.
“I had a lot of those days, but the shame prevented me from speaking about it with anyone. Not even the counselor assigned to me by the department. Getting back to work was supposed to fix everything, but it didn't. I feel like everyone is waiting for me to screw up or fall apart. I don't know if that's real or paranoia, but either way, I'm on edge. Sometimes I worry that the next time I'm in danger I'll lose my
nerve. Freeze up.” She huffed out a breath and one single tear escaped which she wiped away. “So, I guess it's a good thing I'm here.”
Ryan moved to stand, but Dr. Whittaker locked eyes with him and shook his head.
He'd never been able to handle Haley's tears on the rare occasion allowed them. She hadn't cried when she'd twisted her ankle pretzel-ing herself in a super competitive game of Twister, or when she'd broken her arm on the halfpipe in sixth grade. Not even when her douchebag ex spread a rumor that she'd slept with the whole basketball team. Instead of tears, she marched onto the basketball court in the middle of practice and kneed him in the balls.
So, to see her cry in front of all these people, over something he'd not only failed to protect her from, but had made worse for her—she may as well have reached into his chest and torn out his heart.
She sat beside him, slid her hand into his, and squeezed. And somehow he felt better despite being more confused than ever about where they stood.
Ryan hung back at the end of the meeting and packed away furniture while other members of the group spoke with Haley. His gaze sought out hers regularly, seeking any sign she needed him. She didn’t, of course. Haley handled the aftermath of her vulnerability with the strength she used to tackle life.
He could use some of that strength now. Emotions ran wild through his system as he attempted to process all that she’d shared tonight. All the ways their relationship had shifted in the past twenty-four hours. Impossible. Not here. Not with Haley twenty feet away.
Soon he waved goodbye to the last of the group and Haley smiled tentatively at his approach. “You were great.”
“Thanks. Thought I was going to hurl for a minute there.” Her gaze dropped to her well-loved sneakers then jerked up to watch him intently. “I didn't want to hurt you.”
“Don't worry about me.” He took her hand and clasped it between his, kissing her palm. “I'm sorry I didn’t help you when you needed me most. I'm sorry I let you down.”
Where We Belong (Hideaway Bay, #1) Page 4