Lesson to Learn

by Penny Jordan

  The seductive caress of his mouth against her inner thigh; the intimate stroke of his tongue against the most sensitive and delicate part of her body—these were things that frayed the fragile cord of her self-control to the point where it finally snapped under the pressure, causing her to cry out to Gray how much she needed him; how much she wanted him; how much she ached for him, and to have that needing, that wanting, that aching appeased by the tormentingly erotic thrust of his body as it moved powerfully and purposefully within her own, so that her flesh responded to his in fluidly rhythmic counterpoint that made him gasp out her name in the final fiercely compulsive seconds of physical intensity before the climax came.

  Later, drifting into an exhausted sleep she couldn’t fight off, Sarah was aware of Gray moving away from her and of trying to stop him, of wanting to beg him to stay with her but of being too tired to form the words.

  It was the phone that woke her, bringing her sharply awake, Robbie’s name on her lips as she sat up in bed, wincing as her body revealed its physical lassitude. It was only her total nudity that stopped her from running downstairs, in her anxiety to find out if there was any news of Robbie, forcing her to stop long enough to pull on her clothes, ignoring her heightened feminine awareness of the sensual aura that clung to her skin. There would be time later to shower and change; right now her one concern was Robbie; a concern that was fast becoming fuelled by a deep-seated guilt that she could ever have allowed herself to abandon herself to the kind of physical sexuality she had shared with Gray, especially at such a time. It made no difference telling herself that people often reacted strangely under intense pressure; that might be Gray’s explanation for his behaviour, but she was not going to allow herself that kind of self-deception. She loved Gray…and she had wanted him, but she had never dreamed she would ever behave in such an abandoned and ill-considered fashion, especially when she knew that Gray felt nothing for her.

  As she pulled on her clothes her body chose traitorously to remind her that, if nothing else, Gray had most definitely wanted her physically.

  She froze where she was, aching with self-disgust. Had wanted her, or had simply wanted the release of having sex with someone…anyone.

  Sickness clawed at her stomach. Why hadn’t she thought of that before…told herself that before…not waited until now, when it was too late…when she had well and truly made a complete fool of herself, abandoning her principles, her beliefs, behaving like a…like…like a wanton to whom sex was an appetite that was only physical, rather than, as she truly believed, only being of any real worth when it was married to emotional and mental bonding with one’s partner?

  Well, what bonding was there between her and Gray? None…none at all.

  Apart from the fact that they both loved Robbie…that they were both desperately concerned for him…that they had both been torn away from their normal modes of behaviour by the unbearable intensity of their anguish; and their inability to do a single thing to help him; their helplessness in the face of that anguish.

  What was she doing? Looking for excuses for the inexcusable. She gave a deep shudder. What had happened was something she could understand and accept happening between an established couple—say, the parents of a missing child, who, driven by their need to seek comfort in one another, might become so sexually and intensely aware of one another that their feelings could result in that kind of heightened intensity…but for two people who were not lovers…two people, one of whom openly disliked the other…two people, one of whom secretly loved the other…

  The sharp ping of the telephone receiver being replaced focused her thoughts back on Robbie. She was dressed now, and she hurried along the landing to find Gray standing in the hallway. He looked up as she ran downstairs and then looked away from her, almost as though he couldn’t bear the sight of her. She froze where she was, fighting a cowardly longing to burst into tears and crawl away, but then she reminded herself that he was as much to blame for what had happened between them as she had been, and held her head up proudly, asking him tightly, ‘The phone…Was there any news of Robbie?’

  He shook his head, still refusing to look at her.

  ‘No. Not yet. That was just the police checking to see if he’d turned up. Apparently they’ve checked and he hasn’t been seen anywhere, which would suggest that he might be trying to head for London. Oh, God, when I think how young he is. How vulnerable. If only…’

  Abruptly he turned his head and looked at her, the shock of being subjected to such a piercing gaze sending a wash of hot colour flooding her skin.

  ‘About what happened…before…I…I don’t know what to say…other than to—’

  ‘You don’t need to say anything,’ Sarah interrupted him desperately. He was going to tell her that it should never have happened; that he had never intended it to happen. If he had written it in the sky in ten-foot letters for the whole world to see he couldn’t have made it more plain that he wanted her to know that he did not really want her…that he did not really feel anything for her.

  ‘We both acted out of character.’ She stumbled over the words, refusing to give in to her pain and anguish. She wasn’t going to let him think that she had no pride. She wasn’t going to let him stand there and be the one to say that what had happened meant nothing. Even if it was a lie, she was going to make sure that he believed she was as equally anxious as him to deny the whole incident. ‘I…I believe people do sometimes behave in ways that are…out of character under intense pressure. It’s…it’s best that we both forget the whole thing. After all, once Robbie is found…well, there won’t be any need for us to have any further contact, will there?’

  ‘No, I don’t suppose there will,’ Gray agreed in an oddly rough voice. ‘Unless, of course…’ He broke off, still focusing on her, waiting almost pointedly for her to say something, she realised, although exactly what it was he was expecting her to say she didn’t know until he added curtly, ‘If there should be any…any consequences…then of course I’d want to know…to…to take responsibility.’

  Any consequences? Sarah’s eyes widened in shock as she realised what he meant. The last thing she had considered when they had made love was that she might become pregnant, but now suddenly she went cold and sick as the reality of that possibility hit her. The shock of it was so intense that she had to clutch hold of the banister to quell the nausea rising up inside her.

  Pregnant…but no…she couldn’t be. Not so quickly…not like that, without any forethought…any planning. What was the matter with her? she derided herself. Was she so stupid that she didn’t really know just how little it took to become pregnant? Just how easily it could happen? An ‘accident’ was how most women euphemistically described that kind of conception. A happy accident, perhaps, for most of them, but for her…

  Inside her something shrivelled and died as she acknowledged how much in other circumstances she would have wanted Gray’s child…how very special it would feel to know that that child had been conceived at such a time of trauma…how very special that child would always be…but only if it had been conceived in mutual love…only if Gray had felt about her the way she felt about him…only if he had loved her…needed her…wanted her for succour and love. Which he most certainly had not.

  The pain inside her was so intense, so unbearable that it made her lash out against him with uncharacteristic cruelty to say sharply, ‘Well, let’s hope there won’t be. After all, you never really wanted Robbie, did you, and—?’

  ‘That’s not true.’ His face went tense and set. ‘Oh, I know it’s what both you and Robbie think, and possibly everyone else as well, but it simply isn’t true.’ He gave a harsh laugh. ‘My God, Robbie would never even have been born if the decision had been left to his mother. She wanted to get rid of him. I had to blackmail her financially into going through with the pregnancy.

  ‘It’s ironic; without the money I promised her plus my agreement to a divorce, she’d have had Robbie aborted, and yet once he was born
, once she realised what a powerful and permanent hold having him gave her over me, she refused to go through with our previous agreement that she would hand Robbie over to me. She never wanted to conceive my child, or any child, and I refuse to believe that she ever truly loved Robbie. She didn’t even have him living with her. It was her mother who brought Robbie up.’

  The bitterness in his voice made Sarah shiver, her own anguish forgotten as she heard the unmistakable ring of truth in his voice.

  ‘But you sound as though you hate her.’ She gave another shudder, the words an instinctive response to all the pain she could see so clearly in his eyes. ‘And yet you must have loved her…you must both have loved one another once.’

  ‘Must we?’ His mouth twisted bitterly. ‘We certainly desired one another, but, as we both quickly discovered, lust is no substitute for love, and by the time we’d made that discovery it was too late. Robbie was on the way and we were married. Oh, God, where is he?’

  The anguish in his voice made her start to move instinctively towards him, wanting to offer him comfort, to share his pain, but then she stopped abruptly, remembering what had happened between them and the fact that she was the last person he would want any kind of comfort from.

  She ached to be able to do something…anything other than simply having to wait passively here, letting others do the searching…the work, and, if she found the waiting onerous, then how much more so must Gray, who was, after all, not the kind of man used to being anything other than in complete command?

  When, half an hour later, the phone rang again both of them froze, simply staring at it, neither of them apparently able to make a move, until suddenly Gray lunged towards it, grabbing the receiver, saying his name tersely.

  In the silence that followed, while he listened to whoever was on the other end of the line, Sarah’s stomach muscles knotted with tension and fear.

  It seemed to be a lifetime before she heard him saying dully, ‘Yes. Yes, I understand. Thank you.’ And then he was replacing the receiver, with a slow deliberate care that made her start to tremble with nervous dread. When he turned towards her his face was completely expressionless, his eyes vacant and dull.

  Her heart seemed to plummet downwards, like a lift gone out of control, her lips so dry that she had to wet them before asking in a raw, cracked voice, ‘Robbie? Have they…?’

  ‘They’ve found him.’

  His voice seemed to echo inside her skull, as a huge wave of sick pain engulfed her. He sounded so drained, so shocked…so…

  She started to sway slightly, her shock registering in her face.

  As he turned to her and saw her Gray made a sudden harsh exclamation beneath his breath, and then the next moment he was coming towards her, gripping the tops of her arms, telling her fiercely, ‘Sarah, it’s all right. Robbie’s all right. He’s safe and completely unharmed…They found him in a ramshackle old hut where he’d taken refuge. It’s just…it’s just that he’s told the police that he doesn’t want to come home. They’ve asked me to go down to the station. I was wondering…I know it’s an imposition after everything that’s happened…but…would you come with me?’

  Sarah couldn’t speak. All she could do was nod her head, still unable to truly take in the fact that Robbie was well and safe, after believing that he was not.

  Gray drove them down to the police station. Outwardly he was in control of himself and his emotions, but Sarah was learning to look beneath the surface, and she could tell that inwardly he was suffering almost as much as she was herself.

  How could she ever have been so cruel as to suggest that he hadn’t wanted Robbie, when she had guessed all along how much the little boy meant to him, even if he had refused to show it? She was shocked by her own capacity for inflicting pain on him, even if it had been done in a desperate attempt to defend and protect herself.

  If she should have conceived his child the last thing she would ever consider doing would be aborting it. But then, all women were not the same, and, from what Robbie had innocently told her about his mother, Sarah had already formed the opinion that the other woman had been vain and shallow, far more interested in herself and fulfilling her own wants and desires than in her child. She had been manipulative as well, using Robbie as a pawn against his father and then cruelly putting into Robbie’s head the belief that his father was someone to fear.

  When they reached the station they were ushered straight into a small room, where a very tired and frightened Robbie was being comforted by a WPC. The moment he saw Sarah he broke free of the other woman and came hurtling towards her. Instinctively she bent down so that they were on the same level, cradling him to her, while she stroked his hair, and felt her eyes burn with tears at the relief of holding his wiry little boy’s body against her own.

  On the other side of the room Gray was talking to the detective who had led the hunt for Robbie. They were keeping their voices low, but Sarah caught the odd word.

  The detective was saying something about ‘a quarrel’ and Robbie being ‘upset’, but Robbie was crying so hard that she couldn’t make out any more.

  * * *

  IT WAS ONLY much later, when Robbie had been put to bed and was safely fast asleep and she finally could bring herself to leave Robbie’s room, that she learned the full story from Gray, who was waiting for her downstairs in the kitchen.

  ‘Apparently Robbie heard us quarrelling the evening I was late back,’ Gray told Sarah when she asked him if the police had been able to discover from him why he had run away. She herself had been reluctant to question him too much, especially since he was in such a distressed and exhausted state.

  ‘He wanted to be with you, apparently, and so while I was downstairs he got dressed and left the house. Only he got lost and couldn’t find his way in the dark, and then he became very frightened. When he found the disused hut he went inside it, and he must have fallen asleep there. I thought I was making some headway with him. I thought he was beginning to get over his dislike of me.’ He sounded so anguished that Sarah’s throat closed up with emotion. She ached to be able to open her arms to him as she had done to Robbie. To hold and comfort him as tenderly as she had done his child. Never had they seemed so alike…so vulnerable, and she had to forcibly remind herself that the security of her arms, her love, was the last thing that he needed or wanted.

  ‘Things can’t go on like this,’ she heard him saying grimly. ‘I had hoped that Robbie was beginning to settle down, to accept me as his father, but now…He needs and wants you in his life more than he does me.’

  Sarah’s heart jumped with guilt and pain for him.

  ‘He’s very young,’ she told him. ‘And don’t forget he’s not really used to men. He’s been brought up surrounded by women, and his mother—’

  ‘His mother taught him almost from the day he was born to hate and fear me, and I haven’t helped matters, have I? I’ve been so damned afraid of swamping him…of oppressing him by my emotions and my needs, that I’ve held back…hoping that he would eventually come to me, but instead…’

  ‘He needs time to adjust…to grow more accustomed to you,’ Sarah tried to comfort him.

  ‘Does he?’ Gray’s mouth twisted. ‘I think we both know that’s not true. “Give me a child until he is seven”—isn’t that what the Jesuits used to say?’ His mouth twisted again. ‘I can’t undo all his mother’s indoctrination. Robbie will never truly l…’

  He stopped, shaking his head, leaving Sarah to say softly to him, ‘You’re wrong, you know. I think he does love you, but he’s so very young and so very confused, and you’ve got to remember that he still believes that you don’t love him.’

  ‘I don’t love him? Of course I love him,’ Gray told her thickly. ‘He’s my son, dammit…my child.’

  ‘Not all parents love their children,’ Sarah pointed out sadly. ‘Your own wife…his mother…’

  Yes, he loved him, Sarah recognised, aching with pity for him, but he could not show it, could not physical
ly demonstrate to Robbie how much he meant to him, and so he held himself aloof from the little boy, through a fear that, once he allowed Robbie to see how much he did care, his emotions would get out of control, and that he would swamp Robbie with a love the little boy did not want.

  ‘Perhaps if you were to show him how much you love him,’ she suggested gently now. ‘Instead of holding aloof from him…’

  Immediately Gray shook his head, barely allowing her to finish before telling her gratingly, ‘I’ve already told you, he doesn’t want my love. Do you know what he told them when the police found him? He told them he hated me and that he wanted to be with you. That he didn’t want to live with me because I had sent you away. He told them that he wished I was the one who was dead and not his mother.’

  A huge lump of compassion blocked her throat, making her voice sound thick and raw when she told him, ‘He’s a little boy…that’s all. He’s attached himself to me because I’m a woman. He’s been brought up by women. Women find it easier to show their emotions, to let down their guard.’

  ‘Do they?’

  The look he gave her made the colour rise up under her skin as she remembered just how much she had let down her guard in just what kind of circumstances. She had never in her wildest imaginings believed she could be capable of such sensuality, such eroticism. She gave a tiny shiver. She had tried desperately to dismiss such memories from her mind, to wipe her brain clear of them, to forget that they had ever happened, knowing that Gray must have already dismissed them from his memory; that to him their intimacy had simply been a male expression of helpless impotence and anger…a driven need to push away his fear for his child, to occupy his thoughts and his body with something, anything that would hold at bay the trauma of what he was going through.