“I need to warn you...” she began.
“About what?” I couldn't hide the worry in my voice no more than I could control the way my heart reacted when Marren was around.
“It's about the child you're carrying—don't mention it, especially to the other Ancients. It could make their position regarding you shift in the wrong direction. The best thing to do is to keep it to yourself for now. You’re walking along a delicate line in an even more delicate balance. Be careful of who you trust.”
I blinked blankly, and then slowly nodded my head. I wanted to ask questions to further my understanding but she turned around with a smile and proceeded to walk to the doors that opened as she approached. I shut my mouth, figuring it was better not to stir murky waters. I needed to find Marren to get some answers. Answers I was going to get, else he wanted to spend the next two hundred years of his life sleeping alone. I followed Okelo inside and where I turned left, she turned right.
I followed the hall to another werewolf and asked if they would take me to the room. I felt ashamed that I couldn't remember the way but my mind was too stubborn to allow me to think of anything but the remaining secrets Marren still kept from me. Luckily for me, the werewolf was happy to oblige. I decided on a whim, before we reached the door to the room, to ask him where Marren was.
“He's having a counsel with some of his commanding officers. I can send a message to him if you would like?”
“No, actually I was hoping you could just take me to him?”
“I'm sorry, my lady, but he's given strict orders to make sure you don't go running around. I need to make sure you remain comfortable in your room.”
I stopped, turned sharply towards the werewolf, and raised an eyebrow to symbolize my seriousness with the matter. “You can deliver him a message. You can tell Marren that if he wants me as a prisoner, he'll have to fight me. I'm not going to sit around and be held captive in a room any more. I can help and he knows it.”
“My lady, I'm sorry, but if you don't go to your room, I will have to force you.”
I saw the glint of fear in his eyes and he even swallowed hard. I sighed. “I'm sorry as well. I'm no prisoner, and I don't expect to be treated like one without due explanation.” I turned around, stomping off in an aimless direction, with the idea of opening every door if I had to in order to find Marren.
***
I stared at the back of the door on the inside of my room. My arms crossed tightly over my chest and my legs crossed at the knee. I bounced the top one furiously while sitting in the wooden chair that adorned the room. I glared at the door, hoping that I could cause it to burst into white fire and scorch the guard on the other side—who, along with a few others, was all too willing to help the werewolf I mistakenly asked for help. The other ones, I can forgive. But this one and I had a score to settle.
I had exhausted my last means of defiance by nearly destroying every piece of furniture in the room that I could toss against the door. The only thing left was this chair and the bed, and though I still had enough anger in me to fight a year’s worth of wars, my energy was ebbing rapidly.
Every time I thought of how the brute simply picked me up with both hands, as if I were a child, carried me into the room, sat me down firmly on the bed, and then turned and walked out, shutting the door behind him with no emotion, no words, no fight, it re-ignited the burning fire of anger within me. I was so angry I could spit lightning bolts. Nothing was dimming the fury within.
Finally, the faint shuffling sound came from the other side of the door and even fainter sound of whispers. I knew who it was by the sigh that carried an undertone of an exasperated growl.
Think twice before coming into this room.
I added as much venom as I could into my unspoken words, but couldn't help the erratic beat of my betraying heart. It was the first time ever that I had hated the way he made my body react. Even as he stood on the other side of the door, my anger ebbed away, hoping for the warm and solid embrace of Marren's arms.
My warning must have worked because I heard the shuffling's quiet whisper fade in the distance, making me hate myself once again for feeling disappointment overwhelm me from him heeding it.
That didn't mean I didn't want to hear your explanation for keeping me prisoner! I knew it was a long shot. But I figured, why not test the distance our little gift is limited by?
The door clicked and opened a crack. Assuming whoever it was paused long enough to see if something was about to fly through the air and hit them. When nothing happened, he decided to open the door the rest of the way and step through. He closed the door and locked my eyes into his.
I forced myself to hold back. It took all my will to command my body to stay put and not run into the arms that melted away all the cares of the world as soon as they touched my skin. I needed him to know I was serious, hurt, and a little betrayed by his insistent need to keep secrets from me and drop them in my lap on a whim.
And then, all it took was a look from his eyes. Black as onyx, absorbing all light, and full of intense sadness. He didn't have to say it for me to see it in his eyes. His brows were arched slightly higher and pinched together, his mouth pulled down at the corners, even his shoulders were somewhat slumped. Yet, it still shocked and amazed me. He was a very proud man, but he wasn't too proud to hide his remorse—even from me.
I opened my mouth to start saying something, anything that would let him really feel the heat of my anger. But the hundreds of words that swam around in my head shouting so loud they nearly drowned out the sounds of the world around me, had fallen mute and still—leaving a silence so thick in the air that a faint hum played in the distance. I couldn't be sure what that sound was, but at that point, I knew that everything around me was quiet.
“What happened?” His voice wasn't frustrated, but resigned. Almost as if he gave up whatever struggle he intended to keep from me, deciding surrendering was better. His eyes fell along the destruction that had nearly reduced the room to shreds and hints of what it once was. A room full of rubble.
I had to say something instead of staring at him feeling drained and lost. My mouth felt dry and my throat felt scratchy. I tried my best to swallow and form the words as calmly as I could. “I was angry that brute of a werewolf forced me to stay in here.”
“By my orders,” he said with patience, almost as if he was too drained to be upset.
“About that,” I sat forward on my knees. It felt uncomfortable, like a small grapefruit stuck inside my stomach and for a very brief moment I wondered how that was possible. I sat back up and resumed my previous position. “Care to tell me what that is about?”
He sighed heavily. “Does it matter? You're so stubborn that you'll just run head first into something so far over your head...you'd get yourself killed before you realized how far over your head you really were.” He maintained that same calm, resigned tone that matched his face and it was at that moment I realized he wasn't sorry for his actions, but surrendering to mine.
“It does matter. Why do you insist on keeping secrets from me? You keep me hidden under this apparent protection knowing full and well that I can't stand to be kept within four walls and having just escaped a very narrow space...” I paused to force back the tears that nipped my eyes and caused my throat to swell. “I can't help but wonder if you really were all that worried when I was in that room. You should have been the one to rescue me, not your friends. You, Marren!”
“I—couldn't,” he said, barely above a whisper.
“Right, because the mere sight of me or touch from me is unbearable!” The last word came out muffled in a sob. I stood up and walked to the window. I forced myself to take a deep breath. “Tell me something, and for once be completely honest with me. If I'm your heart song, why do you act like you regret the day I came into your life? Why don't you want me anymore? Why did you keep our child from me?”
I looked over my shoulder, not even bothering to hide the tears that flowed down my cheeks in a s
teady stream. My heart was breaking and if he really was my heart song, he felt it too. It made no difference in hiding tears when he could already feel the pain that I was in. He stared at a spot on the floor, with most of his weight on one leg. His other slightly bent at the knee. His hair dangled in front of his face, shadowing it from the light in the room.
When he didn't answer I added, “Why do you only pretend to love me?”
His eyes shot straight to me, quicker than an arrow and sharper. I had hurt him now. That much was felt in my own heart with how it shrunk back with the painful pierce. “You think I don't truly love you? You don't know me as well as I thought.”
“Nor do you know me, keeping me here in this room, not letting me see you or be around you and barely acting like you were even worried that I almost died. But then, was that what you hoped? So that you didn't make your people suffer?”
“Relena, how can you say those things?”
“How can you do half the things you do? You are the one making me question everything. You are making me feel like you want nothing to do with me. You can't even look me in the eye for more than a few seconds!”
“Didn't Okelo talk to you?”
“Does it matter? Everything she had to say should have come from you, not her. How could you honestly think I wouldn't want something that came from you? Why can't you show me your world, explain your people's ways and be with me—by my side, Marren. Not down the hall or finding hundreds of excuses to avoid me.”
“Relena—”
“You know, I have been trying to avoid this, but maybe the other Ancients are right. Maybe I'm not your heart song.”
My heart made a move as though it just shattered into hundreds of shards and pieces and fell like feathers, painfully gathering at the bottom of the empty chasm that was left. Whether it was from the heart breaking acknowledgment of the thought that I had been trying to avoid since the day we left for this realm or from Marren's heart breaking at my words, I couldn't be sure. All I knew was the door opened and sealed with Marren on the other side. I heard him say that if I was determined to have my way, to let me have it and then silence fell.
Do you really think this is me fighting to have my way? Marren, I just want you to be with me, not avoiding me and this is how I've been feeling. Why can't you see how your actions are affecting me?
Only the silent hum, somewhere in the distance and now somehow louder and closer, returned to me. I fell to my knees and hugged myself, hoping to keep the pieces of my broken heart from falling out of me.
17
All Roads Lead To You
I stayed in the room. Not from giving into Marren, but from an utter loss of energy. It was well past dark before I removed myself from the floor. My muscles felt weak, my nose plugged and swollen. My throat was sore from crying. My shirt and hair were soaked from the tears. I had climbed into the bed and pulled the covers up over my shoulders and curled myself into a ball under them. The small lump inside my stomach still made itself known. Not liking the cramped and crowded space of my womb—I related to that feeling. Both of us were forced into a situation that was uncomfortable and restricting.
I had fallen asleep for a while, having exhausted myself to the point I couldn't keep my eyes open. A sound had awakened me. One I couldn't place or describe. I opened my eyes to a room that was different than when I first closed them. It was stripped bare of all the shattered and destroyed things that strewn the room. Only bare floors and walls were evident now. Maybe that was the sound? Then I heard a shuffle and the door closing softly.
Not hesitating, I removed myself from the bed and walked towards the door. A part of me wondered if Marren had stuck to his word he gave earlier. The other part of me was too emotionally worn to care. I pulled on the door and found it gave easily under my pressure.
The hall was empty. On the other side of the windows carved from the surface of the mountain was the glowing silhouette of trees and the stars in the sky. I stepped out carefully, listening for the sound of footsteps. My eyes caught Marren's form walking down the hall.
Marren, stop. Please.
He kept walking, forcing me to run in order to catch up. “Is this how it's going to be?” I asked as soon as I reached him. “You ignoring me?”
He continued walking without a word.
Fighting off another onslaught of tears, I choked out. “If you don't want me here that badly, I will leave. I'm sure I can find my own way back to the mortal realm and I'm sure this will make the other Ancients happy as well.”
Still not another word. I stopped mid-step, unable to go further. I watched Marren's back fade into the shadows and disappear.
***
I stared at the doors that led out of the home of the werewolves. Not a soul was in sight and those I passed on the way did nothing to stop me, much less look at me or acknowledge that I actually existed. I didn't want to stay where I wasn't wanted and, as much as it killed me inside to know that Marren wasn't speaking to me or even remotely cared that I was leaving, I needed to get out of there. Staying would have surely killed me. I had no idea what would come of me and the child inside me, but I didn't want to think about that. It nearly made me want to stay and endure being shunned and rejected, especially if it meant being able to see Marren more than I would if I left.
I pushed the doors open, feeling their weight give under my hands easily. The cool night air blew around me, as if it were forcing me back into the hall of the sheltering rock. But I couldn't force myself to stay.
Alone is better than dead, isn’t it?
Each step I took on the dirt road felt like my legs were weighted down with boulders. I kept my arms wrapped around me and my head low, shielded under the hooded cloak I wore. I reached the fork in the road and desperately searched for signs that would point me in the direction of the cross over. I decided that I would go right first, and if it turned out the wrong way, I could turn back and go down the other path.
The night was dark, but thanks to my werewolf sight, I could see the outlines of the trees and the path. The fleeting creatures that lived within the woods faded in and out of sight. Even the sounds they made fell on deaf ears. I wanted to be interested in this world, but I didn't want to give into my curiosities. It would make it that much harder to bear when I left.
The moon moved high into the sky. The stars twinkled, some getting cloaked behind light drifts of clouds. I felt the enchantment of this place start to pull me in. I desperately clung to the decision that was made, not allowing myself to get pulled in. I couldn't change my own mind. I had to leave. Marren didn't want me anymore. The idea chilled me to the bone, emptying me of all hope, leaving only despair.
I forced myself to focus on the path ahead of me. With each step, I was getting closer to the cross over. I felt it. Then just ahead, a figure looking as still as can be, sat on a tree stump on the side of the road. It was slouched, leaning on its knees. Unintentionally, my foot kicked a rock on the road, skipping it and sending it loudly skidding against the dirt. The figure's head popped in my direction. I could tell now that the figure was male and only barely taller than me. The familiar slant of his shoulders, the position he took.
“Danst? W—what are you doing here?”
“I could ask the same thing of you,” he said, looking around for someone else. Probably Marren.
“I'm alone.” I took a deep breath to say the next thing. “I'm leaving. Marren has decided he doesn't want me anymore. I guess Jiren was right. I must not be Marren’s heart song.” My voice cracked at the term that used to mean so much to me. Now it felt as though it really shouldn't.
“You've got it all wrong, Relena.”
“Do I?” I asked bitterly. “Because it seems like I have it right, considering I told him if he didn't want me here I'd leave to make it easier for him and he didn't say a word. In fact, short of locking me in a room like a prisoner, he's avoided me like he's ashamed of me.”
“You don't understand—”
“No, I understand fine!” I said.
“Relena, stop!” He looked around and in a lower voice added, “Please, sit with me and let me at least explain to you.”
“Danst,” I said and smiled, unsure if he could see it but gave it a shot anyway. “You are a really great friend and I'm grateful for everything that you have done for me. And despite my feelings, it is apparent that not only am I not wanted here, but Marren has changed his mind about me. I can't stay. It hurts too much.” I choked on the last word. I quickly wrapped my arms tightly around him. “Take care of him for me, please.” Before he could answer or argue, I let him go and took off in a jog down the road, wiping tears from my vision.
As soon as I was sure Danst didn't follow me, I turned to judge the distance I had walked. I didn't get very far. I turned back around to continue down the path. I couldn't help but let my thoughts trail to Marren and how much I loved him. I needed him to know before I got too far. I stopped in the middle of the path and closed my eyes, focusing on my words.
I love you, Marren. More than I thought a person could love anyone. No matter what, I love you. I love you even though you don't want me anymore. But, I can't stay. It hurts too much. I feel like I'm dying a little more each second that passes and you drift further and further from me. I won't bother you. I won't even speak your name if that is what you wish. I'm sorry that I wasn't what you wanted after all.
I pushed back the tears, smacking away the ones that fell down my cheeks. I took steps forward, moving closer to the cross over and further from my heart. I felt myself fall further and further into despair hoping that at some point, I would become numb and all the pain would fade away into a distant memory. I could only hope that day would be sooner rather than later. I feared that my heart would kill me after all.
Heart Song Page 16