***
I was sure I had walked for hours when I found a path that looked familiar. The same curve of the path that led uphill to the mountainside just to my right. Even the sound of rushing water filled my ears and just as the pond came into view, I still didn't want to believe it.
Somehow, I had walked in a circle.
I turned back down the path, continuing further. I passed the stump that Danst sat at. He looked at me with weary eyes. Past the pond, the path, and Danst again. I stopped, panting.
“I don't understand. I keep going in circles.” I started to pace in front of him.
He looked up from the ground, moving mostly his eyes, which were sad and spoke of feeling sorry for me. “I tried to tell you that, but you didn't want to listen.”
“Well, can you lead me to the cross over then? I don't think I have the strength to do it alone and I can’t keep running in circles.”
“You're not running in circles,” he said.
I paused in my pacing to look him in the eye. There wasn't a hint of a laugh playing at his lips. Instead, they were pulled taut into a grimace. “What?” I asked.
“You were going straight and down the right path. But you don't want to leave, so it keeps taking you back to Marren.”
I couldn't lie, I didn't want to leave. I had struggled with myself over leaving. I even found myself finding reasons to stay, but I had to convince myself it was for the best because Marren didn't want me.
“I can't explain why, but you will only drive yourself crazy going back and forth on this,” he said softly.
I fell to my knees and sobbed, “But...Marren...doesn't...want...me...any…more...” My words came in between sobs and breaths.
Danst knelt beside me, wrapping his arms around me and rocking slightly. “How do you know?”
“I just do.”
“Did he say so?”
“No. He doesn't have to. He says it by ignoring me, avoiding me, and keeping me locked up in that room.”
“Relena, did it ever occur to you that perhaps he was trying to protect you from the people who nearly killed you?”
“No, but if he was so concerned with my safety, why didn't he rescue me? Why didn’t he explain to me? Why does he keep hiding things from me?”
He let out a heavy sigh, and then released me, sitting on the ground. “I've known Marren for a very long time, Relena. If I know anything about him, it’s he doesn't let anything get in between what he wants unless he's bound and forbidden from it by the other Ancients. You are in our world now. You have to obey the rules they set or it can be like the Netherworld.”
“But Marren is an Ancient and he broke the rules staying on the mortal realm longer than he should have.”
“He stretched the rules on that one and things are a bit more delicate now that you are here. He doesn't want to upset them and set them against him, you, and those who side with him.”
“Why doesn't he tell me these things? He always keeps these things to himself until he's given no other choice or I drag it out of him.”
“That is something you should ask him.”
“How? He won't talk to me. He avoids me as much as possible.” I sniffed, wiping the back of my hand across my nose. “He won't even touch me. He can barely look at me. You really think I've got this all wrong? I feel shunned and rejected and he does nothing to change it. He only makes it worse.”
“For what it's worth, I think you should go back and wait it out. I'm sure he'll come around.”
I nodded and stood from the ground. “Thanks, Danst. You've really been a great friend.”
“I know.”
“Please tell Marren that he knows where to find me if he wants me to stay.”
Danst's face grew dark. “Relena, I just told you, you can't leave.”
“Why? Because I'm going in circles? Tell me how to get back, please. It hurts too much to stay and what you ask of me may very well push me over the edge and kill me altogether.”
“I'm sorry, I can't,” he said.
I nodded. “Fine, I'm on my own then.”
***
I felt frustration grow within me. No matter what I did—no matter what path I took—it all led me back to that point, staring at the entrance to Marren's home. A place I truly believed I belonged. I spent the entire night trying to find a way out of there, desperate to get away from the reality staring me in the face.
The sky lightened into shades of orange, yellow where the sun was peeking, and the dark blue of the night faded into the light blue of the day. Clouds drifted lazily, carried by a breeze that seemed to be pushing me towards the doors. But I didn't want to go. I may not want to leave, but I didn't want to stay either.
Why would I want to be where I’m not wanted? I sighed, resigning myself from my stand and giving in. If this was what fate had in mind for me, then so be it. It was obvious that leaving the realm wasn't an option.
Taking slow and steady steps forward, I approached the door. I pulled on the handle. The door giving way easily, again. I stepped inside and found someone. He was reluctant to help me but I told him that I just wanted to go to bed and had been up all night long. He nodded and it was then I recognized him as the werewolf that took me to the hot spring pond to bathe in the day before or however long ago it was. Time seemed to be somewhat subjective in that place. One day blurred easily into the next.
The door opened up with no evidence of my ever being there. I collapsed on the bed and closed my eyes.
***
I awoke sometime near dusk. There was a loud commotion going on. I wondered if it was the celebration that the werewolves were planning to put on for me, but then I didn't want to delude myself into thinking I held any importance any longer. I stood at the window, but I didn't want to look at the festivities below. I stared at the scenery, where mountain met sky and ground in the same bordering line of the horizon. The night sky was darkest at that line and lightened ever so slightly the closer the sky stretched towards me. As if it was running out of color the closer it got. And it made sense, because I felt like my life lacked the color and the luster it once had.
A knock at the door startled me from my thoughts. I turned to answer it, finding the door opening as I approached. “A'lainn,” Enid said.
I forced back the tears of joy that stabbed at my eyes and forced a smile to my face, but still, my heart broke. “You're still calling me that?”
“Why wouldn't I?”
“Because, I—” I paused and took a deep breath to calm myself. “It's good to know I still have one friend left here.”
“Is everything okay? You want me to get Marren?”
“No,” I said too quickly, then added following the look of confusion on his face, “Marren, doesn't want...to be bothered by me, right now.”
He didn't look like he bought it, but he nodded slowly as if he understood and held his hand towards the door. “I would like for you to come on a walk with me.”
“I can't leave.”
“A'lainn?”
“I can't leave. I can't...”
“It's alright. Whatever it is that is bothering you, I'm sure there is a perfectly good explanation.”
“I tried to find that explanation but the only thing that has come to me is I'm not wanted anymore.” I turned around and walked to the window again. “I'm sorry Athair, but I cannot go anywhere until I can cross over. From there, I will spend the rest of my life living alone. What I've done has shamed him. He won’t speak to me or even look at me. I'm sorry, but I want to be alone.”
“Very well.”
I heard the door close. Letting the tears fall down my cheeks in a steady, flowing river. The ache in my body was like a horrible weight on my shoulders, pinning me down to the ground. I was stuck, unable to leave and forced to remain out of sight. Shunned. Rejected. Unwanted.
The door to the room opened up and I knew better than to think it was Marren. I even somewhat scorned my heart for reacting as though there was enough ho
pe to even warrant the jump in pace. I heard steps come in a few feet and then turn and walk back out, closing the door.
I turned and found that there was a tray of food on the bed. But my mouth turned to ash and my stomach churned. I didn't want to eat. There wasn't a reason for me to. I hated myself, my life, and I somehow managed to lose the one thing I loved and let into my heart. I didn't deserve to eat or be brought food. I picked up the tray and sat it by the door carefully, then walked back to the bed and crawled in.
18
A Reprieve Earned
Three days passed, blurred like a faded dream or the memory of one. I couldn't be sure if I was forgotten in that room or if everyone had left and moved onto better things. But, I knew it was quiet. It was cold. It was empty. I was alone.
The sky was cloudy outside the window and chunks of puff were darkened gray. Rain filled the air, sweetening it with the promise of a cleansing shower. I decided that I needed to get out of the room and find a place to let the rain come over me.
I stepped out into the hall and tried to use my memory to find the cliff that Marren had taken me to.
Marren... Did he think of me as often as I thought of him, or as fondly? Did he miss my touch as much as I missed his? Did he miss the scent of my hair, the warmth of my skin, or the taste of my kiss?
These questions tortured me in the late hours of the night, when I would wake from a dream of us, in a place where this stupid war didn't exist and he touched me freely and willingly. A place where the mere sight of him didn't hurt until I woke. Then the memories of reality come flooding back to me in a rush and bring me back to the lowest, darkest place of the world. Alone within myself, despairing and left wanting.
I found the cliff and nearly ran out to feel the air and rain on my skin. The sound of the drops pattered the earth around me and not in any particular rhythm. The sound of thunder rolled through and shook my muscles, and then the rain lightened and slowed. I crossed my arms over my chest and turned to walk back inside, feeling like that was all I was going to get. I stopped short, finding Marren standing in the doorway. He looked shocked and like he hadn't slept in days. My heart jumped, skipped, and raced through beats sporadically. I clutched myself tighter, hoping to keep it inside me, but knowing the gesture was just symbolic.
He took a step out into the light rain. It glistened and ran down his skin and moistened his hair. It made me want him in ways he couldn't possibly want me anymore. I dropped my eyes and even though tears fell, mixing with the rain, my voice came out evenly. “I'm sorry; I just wanted to feel the rain. I'll leave you be.” I went to walk past him. Hoping he would just ignore me and pretend I wasn't there, because that seemed easier than clinging to the hope he still cared for me.
I made it to the doorway before I stopped at the sound of his voice in my head. Don't go.
It was so soft and subtle, I thought for a second that I had imagined his words. My heart banged loudly in my head, to the point it overwhelmed the sound of the rain falling softly against the ground. I turned slowly, hoping that what I saw wouldn't push me over the edge. It wouldn't break my heart to the point it would never mend, and I would never recover...succumbing to my demise.
He stood there, facing me with his hand out towards me, beckoning me to take it. His eyes soft and gentle. Please. His voice begged.
Is this real or a vision? Is he really wanting me to be with him?
He nodded once towards me.
I'm scared.
Of what?
You're not real. This isn't real. I don't know why I was saying the things I was. Perhaps it was a way to test myself. How far I could really push myself before I broke.
Relena, I'm real. Please, stop torturing yourself and come to me.
But, I thought...
I know and despite my efforts to reach you otherwise, you seemed content to punish yourself. Not eating? Relena, think of the child.
You hate me and the child. Why concern yourself with us?
I don't hate you. I've told you this numerous times. Please, uwoduhi, join me.
I stepped slowly towards him, keeping my eyes locked on his, praying deep inside, he wouldn't disappear or change his mind. My eyes dropped to his outreached hand. I lifted a trembling hand towards his. My heart pounded heavy and hard. My breaths came short and rapid. My hand grazed his as my fingers slipped in between his and folded over the back of his hand. The warmth shot up my arm, chilling the rest of my body. He pulled me into him so rapidly I sucked in a breath. His arms tightened around me, squeezing me further into him.
“I don't understand,” I said. My words muffled by Marren's chest.
“It's a very long story and I'm so sorry I had to put you through that. I really am. But let's hope they need no further proof or explanation.”
“But, you're touching me...” I licked my dry lips, despite the rain, “willingly touching me.”
He pulled away from me enough to tilt my head up towards his with the tips of his fingers. It was the hardest thing to do. I can't stay from you anymore. It's killing me, can't you see that? His mouth collided with mine—kissing me with such fierce urgency it almost scared me.
Can't you see that I would have rather had death than to deal with life like that anymore? I said in our private way.
Nevermore, Relena. Nevermore.
“Promise me,” I said pulling away to look into his eyes. “Promise me you'll never make me live another day without you.”
“I promise.” His arms tightened around me. I rested my cheek against his chest and listened as his heart beat frantically.
I thought to myself, could I have really been that foolish to believe he did all those things purposefully? The answer was clear. “Was that the test?”
“In a manner of speaking, yes. But, I don't think it's over.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don't know yet, but this isn't over and that's why I wanted you in that room. Jiren can take any form and so he could've come back for you and killed you himself. I didn't come and get you because I was being watched. I had to sit by and wait for word or you to arrive. I'm so sorry, Relena. I really am. Just know I was just as tortured, if not more.”
I clung to him tighter. “And what Okelo told me?”
“What did she tell you?”
“That you are not allowed to be with me because of the child?” His face hardened. I took that as a yes. “So, then why are you touching me now?”
“Because the tradition is I cannot make love to you. I can still be with you and around you. I just couldn't before because they wanted to see how you would react. They needed to see that you weren't a witch that cast some spell or enchantment on me, even though, in a way, you had.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
“You knew I left and you didn't try to stop me?”
“I couldn't, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't. It would play right into Jiren's desires. It would have proved his argument to him. For now, we have to do this according to their rules. We have to make them see we have nothing to hide.”
“You knew I wouldn't be able to leave, didn't you?”
He looked at me quizzically. “I didn't, though Danst told me. He knew you were leaving and tried to tell you what I couldn't.”
“Why? Because you were being watched?”
He nodded.
“And now?”
“Now they know you can't leave. You won't allow yourself to. This realm won't let you leave because it knows the power that binds us together is greater than any magic or enchantment in this world or the next. We were made for each other, Relena. Nothing and no one can change that...no matter how much you fight it. Or question it.” His eyes grew darker and I could tell he was remembering.
“I'm sorry, Marren. I didn't know it was the test. I thought it would be something more ceremonial like the last time. I didn't know and I made it harder on you.”
“Gvgeyu, waya uwoduhi. Always and forever, I'm yours.”
“No matter w
hat.” It was a statement more than a question, but it seemed Marren felt the need to answer anyway.
“No matter what.”
Marren took me to the inner halls of the mountain. The dwarves didn't leave any part of the floors or pillars unpolished. There were small rooms that filled the inner halls with families, healers, and tradesmen that made swords, craft armor, and even a chef that cooked meats and made jerky with a baker whose baking bread had filled the hall with the tasty aroma.
He took me to a room and sat me down at a large stone table with wooden stools. They were plainly carved, but they still held the beauty of pure craftsmanship. Marren set a small metal plate on the table with a chunk of meat, some roasted carrots and a piece of bread. It was entirely too much for me to eat but I could tell by the expectant look in his eyes, he thought I should try.
“So what now?” I asked, looking up from the plate to wait for an answer.
“Well, tonight, I get to officially present you to my people. There was a celebration planned but I had to call it off for reasons already explained.”
I nodded. “Then what?”
“Then the planning for the ceremony begins, if you want. We don't have to rush it, but my people don't like children born outside of the ritual of binding.”
“Wow. That sounds like a death sentence.” I chuckled on the last word. But the look in Marren's eyes said it wasn't funny. “I'm sorry.”
“Do you still want to marry me?”
“What?” I could hardly swallow the piece of meat with the way he said the words. It wasn't like he was anxious and really wanted to know. It was almost as if he was trying to reassure himself that I really wanted to be with him and not because of the heart song.
“Do you still want to marry me?” he repeated.
“I heard you. What I don't understand is why you are asking me this? Didn't we already go through this conversation?”
“We've been over this, yes, but I may have manipulated you into agreeing and I want to know that you really, truly want this as much as I do.”
Heart Song Page 17