“Just breathe,” he whispered in my ear.
When Hunter stopped in front of me, I looked up into his tear filled eyes and felt my own fill. His voice was low and rough as he said his own version of the flag presentation. “On behalf of all of us that had the honor of serving with him, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.” A tear slipped down his cheek and I wanted to be angry with him and tell him he had no right to cry over Garrick. I wanted to yell at him for letting him die, but this was about honoring Garrick and now wasn’t the time for my anger.
When I placed my hands on the flag, something inside me broke and that was it for me. Sobs wracked my body and I would have fallen to the ground if Cole wasn’t holding me up. The pain in my chest was so intense that I felt like my chest was literally being ripped open. I couldn’t look as they lowered the casket into the ground. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop the tears as they flowed down my face. I saw Garrick lying in bed with me. I felt his eyes on me from the coffee shop. I heard him whispering that he loved me, but that was all I had now. Dreams of what we could have had and memories of the few months we had together. It was such a short time, but one that was filled with so much passion and desire that I didn’t think I would ever be the same again.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Kate
THE SUN SHONE brightly in my room, so I pulled the covers over my head and hid from the day. It was a week after Garrick’s funeral and I had barely left my bed, unable to face anything other than basic necessities. I went to the bathroom when I absolutely had to and I forced myself to eat when my body couldn’t go without any more. I didn’t have much of an appetite, so I usually forced down a spoon of peanut butter or something equally dissatisfying. Occasionally, I would hear pounding at my door, but I couldn’t be brought out of my depression enough to care. Most of the time, I stared at the wall thinking about absolutely nothing. I wasn’t even sure what day it was. I counted mornings, or what I could remember, but most days I was too tired to think about much.
When the pounding came again this morning, I ignored it like I usually did. I didn’t give a shit who was there or what they wanted. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and there wasn’t much I cared about at this point. When I heard the footsteps on the stairs, I closed my eyes and sighed, knowing that whoever it was was going to try and force me to rejoin the rest of the world.
When the bed dipped behind me, I felt a delicate arm drape over my stomach. I smelled her perfume and almost lost it. The one person that had the power to make me break down was here. They brought out the big guns when they sent her over.
“I can’t,” I whispered. “Not yet.”
“I know, sweetie. I’m just going to lie here with you,” Alex’s soft voice filled the air. She knew more than anyone what it was like to feel so lost and need some time to figure stuff out. She had suffered more than anyone I knew and if she could come back from her pain and live a normal life with my cousin, I knew that I would be okay, too. Someday.
“When does it stop hurting?”
“I don’t know. I was so young when my parents died. It was different to deal with that as a kid. For me it ended when Cole saved me. When I finally accepted him back into my life. He was the one who healed me and put me back together.”
“I don’t have anyone to heal me. He’s gone,” I said brokenly.
“I know. Which means that you have to do it for yourself, but only you can decide when you’re ready.”
“Today’s not the day.”
“Then we’ll try again tomorrow and the next day until you are ready.”
I nodded and closed my eyes. I was so glad that she wasn’t trying to force me out of my cocoon. When I woke later, Alex was gone, but there was a delicious smell coming from my kitchen. I hadn’t wanted food all week, but this was making my stomach growl. I climbed out of bed and shuffled downstairs in my three day old pajama pants and t-shirt that was really starting to smell. My hair was a ratty mess and I could feel the oil building on my scalp, causing me to itch like crazy.
When I got to the kitchen, Alex winced at the sight of me. “You look like you need this,” she said, handing me a cup of coffee.
“It’s late,” I said, looking at the clock. “If I drink this, I’ll be up all night.”
“You’ve been sleeping for a week straight. It might not hurt for you to be up for a while.”
I took the cup and drank a few sips, but I needed some food in my stomach before I tackled coffee. “What did you make?”
“Jambalaya.”
“Mmm. I haven’t had that in a long time.”
“I found a recipe online about a year ago and I fell in love. Don’t tell Cole I made it for you though. He thinks I make this only for him,” she smiled.
“I won’t say a word.”
I sat down and ate a whole bowl, more than I had eaten in a week and suddenly felt very sleepy. I rested my head in my hand and allowed my eyes to drift closed as I looked out at the night sky. I was nodding off when I felt him. My eyes snapped open and I jerked upright in my chair. I stood suddenly, pushing the chair backwards as I ran to the window and looked outside. It was impossible to see in the dark, but I knew he was out there. He had to be. I always felt him when he was around. Flinging the door open, I ran outside into the darkness as Alex yelled for me from the house.
“Garrick!” I looked everywhere, sure he was hiding behind a tree or on the side of the house. I raced around the yard, looking everywhere I could, but he didn’t come out. Why wasn’t he coming out? “Garrick, please,” I whispered. “Come back to me.”
When he didn’t step out of the shadows, I broke down and fell to the ground in a heap of tears. I was so sure he had come back for me. Why did this keep happening? Why did he torture me like this? If he wasn’t really here, why did I still have to feel him?
“Kate?” I looked up to see Hunter standing next to me. He looked at me sadly and squatted down next to me. “Are you okay?”
“I thought he was here.”
“Kate, you went to his funeral. You know he’s gone.” There was no heat behind his words, only sadness.
“I know,” I said with a sniffle, “But I felt him again. It was like before when he was stalking me. I always knew when he was around.”
Hunter looked around into the night and then back to me. “I’m sorry. I wish I could make this easier for you.”
I shrugged as I wiped the tears from my face. “What are you doing here?”
“Alex called. She said that you had been sitting out here for about an hour and she was starting to get worried. She couldn’t get ahold of Cole, so I came over.”
“You didn’t have to. I’ll be fine,” I said as I stood and brushed the dirt from my clothes.
“How are you doing other than that?”
“Numb,” I said after a minute. “I just feel numb. I wish that I was angry or sad, but I just feel empty.”
He nodded and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Kate, it’s been over a month since he died. I think it’s time to try to get back to work, or at least some kind of routine for yourself. Garrick wouldn’t want you wasting away over him.”
“Maybe tomorrow,” I said as I walked back to the house.
✯✯✯✯✯
For the past month, I had been forcing myself to get up every morning and at least take a shower. Alex or Cole stopped by every day to check on me or visit with me. I hadn’t seen Hunter since the night I ran out of the house looking for Garrick, but I knew that he worried about me. He called several times a week to check on me, but most of the time I refused to answer. I had come to accept that he did what he had to do for Garrick, but it still hurt to see Hunter when he wasn’t the one I wanted around.
I had already had my shower for the day, but that was exhausting enough for me. Deciding that I really didn’t want to face the day, I crawled back into bed and pulled the covers over my head. At least I was c
lean, even if I was lying in smelly sheets.
“Kate?” Cole’s voice called from downstairs. Groaning I pulled the covers tighter over my head and hoped he would go away. “Kate, do you want to tell me why your lights aren’t working?” he said as he walked into my bedroom.
I flung the covers off and glared at Cole. “What?”
“Your lights aren’t working. Did you blow a fuse?”
“Like I even know what that means. Go away.” I pulled the covers back over my head, but he was there in a flash, dragging them back down.
“No, you’re not going to lie in bed all day again. This has to stop.”
“Really? How long did you stay in bed after you got back from your last deployment?”
“Do you really want to throw that in my face?” he snarled. “I’m just trying to help you the way others helped me. I’m not going to let you drown in grief. You need to start living again.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Too fucking bad. This has gone on long enough. Maybe start with paying your fucking bills. How long has it been since you paid the electric bill?”
I shrugged and he growled in frustration as he ran a hand over his face. “You have a clinic to run and you’re leaving it up to someone else. Now, if you want to keep that other doctor on so that you can go back part time, I’m fine with that, but you need to start doing something.”
I wish that I felt something when he said that, but I was still so empty. I wasn’t ready to break down and no light bulb came on in my head, telling me that he was right. I just didn’t feel anything. I didn’t want to do anything. Taking a shower was hard enough to accomplish for one day. He held out his hand to me and I grudgingly took it.
“Come on,” he said, pulling me up. “We’re going to go do just one thing today. What sounds good?”
“Nothing.”
“There has to be something that sounds appealing. What about going to get your hair done? I’m sure Alex would take you.”
“Cole, I really don’t give a shit about my hair. I don’t want to do anything and I don’t care about how the clinic is doing.”
“What do you think Garrick would say if he saw you right now? Do you think he would want a woman that gave up on life because of him? He would be ashamed of you right now.”
His words cracked something inside me and the dam that was holding back my emotions broke. I had been doing so well at pretending that I was numb to everything, but suddenly I felt everything all at once. Fat tears rolled down my cheeks as I collapsed in heap on the floor. My head pounded the more I cried and the deep ache inside intensified.
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I cried. “I want him back so bad.”
“I know,” Cole said as he sat down beside me and pulled me into his arms, running his hand soothingly over my back. “I know this sucks and it’s hard, but you’ll get past this, Kate. You’re a lot stronger than you know.”
“I used to be,” I sniffled. I lifted my gaze to meet Cole’s and shook my head. “I don’t know who I am any more without him. That seems so stupid because I only knew him for a short time, but it was so intense.”
“No one can tell you how to feel, Kate. Sometimes love just happens like that. With Alex, I knew within weeks that she was mine. I was so drawn to her and I wanted nothing more than to be the one she turned to. When she didn’t remember me anymore, I was devastated. I thought we were done for good and it was nearly impossible to walk away from her. I really thought I might fall back into the depression I was in when I got back from war.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I guess I just kept thinking that if we ever had a chance of making it back to one another, I needed to be the man she deserved. I couldn’t fold in on myself again.”
“But you had someone to go back to,” I griped.
“True, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t ever meet someone that makes you feel ten times what you did for Garrick. I know you don’t want that now, but if you close yourself off to the world, you won’t have a shot at ever being the woman you were again.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be that woman again.”
“Maybe not. I’m definitely not the same man I was before I went off to war, but those experiences make us who we are. This will definitely change who you are, but only you can decide if it makes you stronger or not. It’s okay to be sad, Kate. Just don’t let it consume you.”
I nodded and sniffed back my tears, wiping my nose on the sleeve of my shirt. I was such a mess. “I think I need some help, Cole. I don’t think I can do this alone.”
“Alex and I are here whenever you need us. Just tell us what you need.”
“That’s the problem. I don’t know what I need.”
“Then we’ll figure it out together,” he said as he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in for a hug.
✯✯✯✯✯
“Have a good night,” Kathy said as she left for the night. I gave a small smile and waved her out the clinic door. I had been back to work for two months now and only a few weeks full time. I had decided to keep Dr. Carson on staff because he had brought in a lot of business in my absence. I had been thinking of adding him on as a partner and expanding the clinic, but I wanted to be sure before I approached him about it.
This was my first night staying after clinic hours. In the past few weeks that I had been back full time, I had left every day with the other staff, but tonight I was feeling a little more like my old self and I decided to stay behind and look at my budget and what I could do for the clinic. I hadn’t had extra income since I had stopped working for Reed Security on the side. I wasn’t sure if I would go back to that again or not. I wasn’t sure I could handle the reminder of where I had met Garrick.
It was well after nine o’clock when I finally turned off the lights and headed for the clinic door. As I stepped outside, a strange chill crept over me and I found myself looking around for danger, but I didn’t see any. I started for my car at a quick pace, wanting to get to the safety and comfort of my home. I had been a little more jumpy when I went out since I had been the target of a killer. My keys fumbled in my hand and fell to the ground in my haste to get away. I swore and bent over, sure that at any moment someone was going to attack me from behind. I glanced over my shoulder several times as I found the keys and quickly stood and flung open the car door.
As soon as I got inside I felt him. I spun around in my seat and looked in the back seat, but no one was there. I locked the doors and looked around in the darkness, but there was still nothing. This had been happening to me almost every day since I started back at the clinic. It was like his ghost was following me around, except it wasn’t comforting like it once was because I knew he wasn’t actually there watching out for me. There was nothing a ghost could do for me if I was attacked and he wouldn’t be slipping into my bedroom later that night to bring me comfort.
I drove home and barely made it inside as my heart thudded out of control. My hands shook uncontrollably as I slammed the door closed, flipped the lock, and slowly stepped away from the door. I turned on the lights and looked in every room of the house, sure that I was going to find something, but there was nothing. I was losing it. He wasn’t here anymore. He was dead and in the ground. If I kept imagining that he was there, I was going to go crazy. Maybe I already was.
I went to my bathroom and got into the steaming shower, doing the one thing I allowed every day. I sat on the floor of the shower and let my tears go for just a few minutes as I grieved for Garrick. I couldn’t do this around Cole or Alex. They thought I was doing so much better and in some ways I was, but it was mostly because I was forcing myself to appear normal. I didn’t feel normal or whole. I didn’t feel like I was healing in any way, and the presence of Garrick’s ghost or whatever the hell it was, was making getting over him all the more difficult.
I crawled into bed, exhausted from the day and my attempts at appearing fine and closed my eyes. Every night I dreamed of Gar
rick and the night he died, and every night I woke up screaming his name. Tonight was no different, except when I woke up this time, he was sitting in the chair in the corner of my room staring at me. I shot across my bed to the nightstand and turned on the light, but when I turned back he was gone. Had I imagined it? Was my mind playing tricks on me again? It was like when I imagined that he was around, but he never was. How the hell was I supposed to keep going when I couldn’t even make it through the night without thinking about him?
I laid back down and stared at the ceiling until the sun rose. There was no way I was falling back asleep after that. When I got up in the morning and made myself a cup of coffee, I frowned when I looked at the date on my phone. It had been exactly six months today since Garrick died in the fire. Calling Dr. Carson, I asked him to rearrange my patients for me because I was taking a sick day. He knew some of what had happened and he had been very understanding so far. I was happy that I didn’t have to explain everything to him.
I hadn’t been back to Garrick’s grave since the funeral because I didn’t think I could handle it, but I decided that today would be the day. Maybe it would bring me closure or at the very least, a little comfort to feel close to him again. When I arrived at the cemetery, I quickly found his grave and stared at the headstone. Logically, I knew that he wasn’t here and coming to visit him and talk to him was ridiculous. If I really wanted to say something to him, all I had to do was say it.
I sat down on the grass and pulled some of the weeds that were coming up around his headstone. “Hey, Garrick. I want you to know that this is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever done. I don’t know if you can hear me or not and I’m not sure I believe that you can, but I wanted to come see you anyway just in case. It’s been six months now and..I miss you so much.” My throat started to constrict, but I pulled it back so that I didn’t have a meltdown in the middle of the cemetery.
Knight: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 4) Page 21