My Captor, My Love

by Leah Matheny

  Sitala looked at me, wide-eyed. "Tender and gently, you think this of Liwanu?"

  "Yes. He's the one who's been taking care of me, cleaning my wounds, putting the salve on me and wrapping me up. If it wasn't for that beast, Honon, I wouldn't be injured. I've never met a more domineering, disagreeable person in my life. He's as stubborn as a mule. Actually, he's and ass, a donkey…they're the stubborn ones. Mules actually listen quite well."

  Sitala's mouth was hanging open. "You think Liwanu is kind and Honon's a beast?" She looked like she was trying not to laugh.

  I'd worked myself up to full pissed-off mode, so I kept going. "Yes! Damn him, he treated me like a…like a…whore, like I was his personal property. He used me and just threw me away." Oh no, do not cry. "I hope I never see him again. But don't get me wrong, I don't want to marry Liwanu. But I do consider him a friend, he's someone I trust. But no, I don't want to marry anyone here because I can't stay. I want to go back home, please. Can you tell Liwanu to take me back home?"

  Sitala coughed and Wuyi spoke up. "I am sorry, you cannot go home. We cannot take a chance of the outside world learning of us. As Sitala said, if you do not wish to marry, we will honor your decision. You will be taken care of for the rest of your life. You can have a very good life here."

  I looked at Wuyi, startled. I'd forgotten he was still with us. "The rest of…oh, no…please, I can't stay here. My life…and…Honon will be coming back."

  "Do not worry, my child. He will not harm you again," Wuyi told me.

  "No, I don't think he'll harm me again. I'm not worrying about that…because he doesn't want me anymore. I don't think he'll even look at me." I hoped my voice didn't sound too pitiful.

  Sitala held my chin and made me look up at her. "Do you want him to want you?"

  I looked into her green eyes and thought for a minute, and slowly started to shake my head. "No I don't, because I can't stay here. I have to leave. I promise you, I swear to you that I won't tell anyone about this place, about you. I wouldn't want to hurt you…I wouldn't hurt Liwanu," I pleaded.

  "Dani, Wuyi already said you can't leave. It's not going to happen. Now, knowing you'll be living here from now on, do you want Honon to want you again?"

  "It doesn't matter what I want because he's furious with me…he doesn't want me, he gave me to Liwanu." I sat up a little bit straighter. "And...I wouldn't want such a barbaric man," I said with my chin in the air. "I'm sorry, I'm very tired. If I'm not allowed to leave, where can I go to sleep?" I started wrapping my feet up again.

  Sitala walked me over to a teepee that looked lived in. "Whose place is this?"

  "For now it's yours. We're in the process of building a koca, a home, for you. It should be ready before the occupant comes back." She pointed inside, "There's a pot of hot water, soap, and towels so you can bathe."

  "Yes, well, thank you for your time and hospitality," I said rather stiffly.

  "Oh, no need to be so formal here. Have a good night's sleep." She hugged me and walked away, closing the blanket over the entrance.

  I looked around. There was a stack of shelves made of tree branches. On it were things to cook with, wooden plates and spoons, wicker bowls with lids, and the bar of soap. There was a stack of towels--or something that looked like chamois. A small pot of water was next to a fire pit that wasn't lit. Off to one side was a big, luscious fur on the floor and another fur folded net to two pillows made of fur. I looked comfy and warm.

  After I took off my dirty outfit and washed, I lay down with a sigh. I pulled the fur blanket on top of me and burrowed down deep, rubbing my body against the softness. The ground wasn't hard; I must've been on a few layers of fur and I was asleep almost instantly.

  Sometime during the night I woke when the fur was ripped off me.

  "What are you doing here? What's the problem…did Liwanu get tired of you already?"

  I was trying to cover myself with my hands. Who…what? "Honon!" In the space of one second, I went from feeling joy at seeing him, realization that he was still mad at me, and anger because he was speaking English.

  "Damn you!" I lunged at him. "You speak English. You lied to me the whole time."

  He didn't take a step back; he just grabbed my arms and held me away from him. I was trying to hit and kick him but he spun me around before I could get a good swing in. My back was to him when he whispered near my ear, "Get out of my bed and go back to Liwanu's. Unless…maybe you want some more of this." He pulled me closer to him and ground his hips against me.

  "Bastard!" I screamed and tried to stomp on his feet. He pushed me to the furs, turned, and walked out. "I don't know where else to go," I yelled.

  After realizing I was naked, I put my outfit back on as fast as I could and wondered if he would come back. I could hear my own heart, it was beating so hard. I sat on the furs for a long time.

  He thought Liwanu and I had slept together. I wasn't sure what to think of that.

  I was in his home. Sitala knew I didn't want to see him. Why'd she…? She said Honon found someone? No… What am I thinking? Need to get outta here. I was so overwhelmed I lay back down, and before long I was asleep again.

  I walked slowly to the opening to peek out, wanting to make sure Honon wasn't around. Liwanu popped around the bend and smiled. "Good morning, Dani."

  I threw my arms around him, "Liwanu!" I stepped back. "You lied to me. You know you could've made things a lot easier on me if you'd let me know you could speak English."

  "Yes, but our orders are to speak no English until we are back on our land. We cannot disobey the chief. We could not take any chance you would learn anything in case you were rescued. And you would have fought harder if you knew the truth. I am sorry."

  I sighed. "Yeah. Honon came in last night. Liwanu, he hates me. He thinks you and I slept together."

  Liwanu looked slightly confused. "Yes, I slept near you."

  "No, I mean…he thinks we had sex," I blushed.

  He grunted something, then, "Dani, even though I would take you for my wife today, I know your heart is not with me. Your heart belongs to Honon, yes?"

  I shook my head. "I do have feelings for him, but I don't want to. If I let myself love him, it'll hurt too much when I leave."

  He smiled slightly before it went away. He put his hand on my arm near my shoulder. "You know you cannot leave. Come, I will take you to the home of my brother. There we will have breakfast."

  I sighed and shook my head. "Okay, but I need to find another place to stay." I would figure out how to leave later on.

  We turned to walk away and I saw Honon in the distance; he had his stone face on and he quickly turned and walked away. He'd probably seen my hug Liwanu. Good! I don't want Honon anyway. And I'm not staying here.

  After we ate, we headed back to the chief's home. We stood outside the entrance while Liwanu said his name and we waited until Sitala came out. "Good morning, Liwanu…Dani. I hope you slept well?" She hugged me. "Please, come in."

  "Good morning, Sitala." I looked over and saw Wuyi. I nodded to him, "Wuyi, good morning."

  He nodded back.

  "Sitala, Wuyi, I'm begging you to let me go."

  He still didn't look happy. Sitala sighed and looked down at her hands, but before she could say anything I spoke up again. "I was afraid of that. Well, you put me in Honon's home and he came in last night. I can't stay there. I'm afraid of what he'll do if he catches me there again."

  She was quietly shaking her head.

  "He was furious. He was rude." My voice started to shake "I can't stay here…in your village, if he's here too."

  "Dani, Wuyi and I need to discuss some things. Why don't you go with Liwanu now and he can show you around. Come back at lunch time and we can talk some more. Does that sound all right?" She smiled and rubbed my arm.

  "Yeah, okay. Thank you." Liwanu and I turned and walked out.

  He introduced me to lots of people. The English of the older generations was a little more stilted and some s
truggled with it, mostly the men. My generation spoke English well, some with only the tiniest accent. Liwanu pointed out object and told me their Miwokan names.

  "Liwanu, what does your name mean?"

  "Growl of a Bear," he grunted.

  "Ha, that's fitting for how you were when I was first taken. But maybe they should change your name to Teddy Bear or Care Bear, that's what you really are." I leaned over and squeezed his arm.

  He looked at me and raised an eyebrow, "What?"

  "Oh, a Teddy Bear is a stuffed toy, they're soft and cuddly. A Care Bear is a children's cartoon, they're sweet."

  "Cartoon?"

  "Yeah, animated movies on TV for kids." I stopped and looked at him. "Do you know what a TV is?"

  He shook his head.

  "Well, never mind." WOW. "What about Muata, Kosumi, and Honon…what do their names mean?"

  "Muata means: Yellow Jackets Inside a Nest. One time he hit a nest he thought was empty. I was not. Kosumi means: Fishes for Fish with Spear. He is a good fisherman. Honon means: Bear. His is big like a bear."

  "Hmm, yes he is…so are you, though. But you weren't born with these names, were you?"

  "No, some people can have two or three names over their life."

  I saw the woman with the blonde hair I remembered seeing when I first arrived. "Liwanu, will you introduce me to her? She looks like she was brought here like me." We walked over to her.

  "Matila, this is Dani," Liwanu said. Before I could say a word, Matila sneered at me.

  "I know who you are and I know what they're saying. It's a lie. Don't think you can have Honon, he won't have you!" She turned and stomped away.

  I looked back at Liwanu, shocked. "What was that all about?"

  He shook his head. "When she was brought here she wanted Honon. He did not want her."

  The morning had actually been quite pleasant. I hadn't seen Honon. Sometimes children would run up to touch me, and then they would run away laughing. One of the young boys came and held on to my hand as we walked. Soon after, a younger girl stopped n front of me.

  "Up please," she said with her arms raised to me.

  "Sure," I picked her up and carried her on my hip. "What's your name?"

  "Helaku, it means: Full of Sun," she said with a huge smile.

  "Yes," I said and smiled back at her, "I can see you are." She was adorable; she was missing one of her bottom teeth and her two messy, black braids hung down a few inches past her shoulders.

  Helaku started taking over for Liwanu, pointing things out to me and telling me their Miwokan names along with the English. She couldn't remember all the translations so we worked together, Helaku with the Miwokan and me with the English. Liwanu walked along with us and she would shyly sneak peeks at him; I could tell she was nervous around him, even though he ignored her.

  "Helaku, you know Liwanu don't you?"

  She nodded her head slowly, not looking at him. "Liwanu is my good friend. He's very kind to me. He helped me with my wounds, see?" I showed her my wrist bandages. "My feet too," I held out one of my feet so she could see the wrapping. She looked at me in amazement and peeked over at Liwanu.

  Liwanu growled at her. Helaku screamed and jumped out of my arms, and she and the boy ran away. "Why'd you do that? She's just a little girl." I lightly slapped his arm and he just grunted.

  "Everyone is afraid of me. Come, let us go back. It is time to eat."

  "Well no wonder everyone is scared of you, with all your scowling and growling. I was terrified of you at first, too. Why don't you let people see who you are?"

  He wouldn't look at me. We stopped at the opening to Sitala's home and he called out both our names before he turned to me, "Their minds are set." And he walked away.

  Sitala once again greeted me with a hug. "How was your walk? Did you learn a lot? Come sit and let's have lunch."

  "Yes I did, though I don't know how many of the translations or names I'll remember. The people here are very friendly, but they don't seem to be too friendly to Liwanu."

  "Well, Liwanu is not a very friendly person." She stopped and scrutinized me." I can see the shock on your face, you obviously don't agree. None of us has ever seen a friendly side of Liwanu. He was a happy enough child. But as a young teenager, he left our camp to go hunting with the men and he ran into a bear. That's what caused the scar on his face. He was never the same after that." Sitala shrugged her should as if there wasn't anything that could be done.

  "That's sad. I was with a little girl today, Helaku, and I could see she was nervous around Liwanu so I told her that he was my friend and a good and kind man. Hopefully she believes me. Maybe we can change people's minds, one person at a time. Though Liwanu ruined my effort by growling at her," I laughed. "I want to help him. He helped me."

  "And Honon, he never helped you and was kind to you?" She questioned.

  Oh yeah, he helped me all right. I chewed on my lip, "Well, at times he was helpful or kind," I lifted my chin up, "but only after I agreed to do what he wanted. He's domineering, he acts like a caveman, he's a bully…" I felt goose bumps all over and a tingling at my back. I saw Sitala look up and smile.

  "Son, how nice to see you," Sitala began to stand.

  Chapter 7

  "Mother, I see you have company, I'll leave you."

  I heard Honon's voice. "Mother?" I squeaked as I quickly stood and moved back toward Sitala.

  "Honon, don't be rude. You obviously know Dani, now be polite and say hello." Sitala put her hands on my shoulders and Honon looked at me with his stone face. "I apologize. Hello, Wily, and goodbye. Enjoy your lunch mother." He left with his fists clenched at his sides.

  I stood shaking, taking great gulps of air, and I slowly turned around. "Honon is your son?" I choked out. "Your son…oh, all the terrible things I said to you about him I'm sorry." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "But…but now you see why I can't stay here. You have to let me leave. You saw his anger…well, he had his stone face on but I know he was furious!" My whole body was shaking and I kept looking behind me to see if he'd reappear.

  "His stone face, huh?" Sitala pursed her lips. "Yes, my son is obviously upset. This isn't how he normally acts. I don't think I've ever seen this side of him before. Come on, let's sit down again and talk." Sitala walked over to the fire and came back with tea. "Here. Dani, talk to me. Tell me what happened."

  I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know what to say. He's your son." I could see the resemblance then. Honon had her green eyes and he'd also gotten his dimple from her, although she had two.

  "Dani, he's my son, but I'm also a woman. My husband is also the chief of this tribe."

  So I began to talk, slowly at first. I started at the beginning and started to stumble when I came to the third day. My cheeks reddened when I mentioned the forced bath and how he made me sit naked behind him on the horse. "He…he began to touch me. I couldn't stop him. He made me…he made me feel…" I looked away.

  "Did you enjoy his touch?"

  I'm sure my deepening blush told her, because I sure couldn't say the words. I told her how I'd hidden in the tree the following day and how he'd carried me away from camp and staked me out. Once again, I told her how he'd touched me and I turned my head away.

  "On the fifth night, we…we made love. I…it was consensual. The day after that I don't know what happened, I was acknowledging that I was beginning to have feeling for him and I started to freak out. I didn't want to have feeling for him…I had to…I tried to escape. I didn't want to be hurt. He caught me and tied me to the back of his horse. I walked and was pulled for hours. That's what happened to my wrists and feet. When we stopped for the night he gave me to Liwanu. I begged him…I was afraid of Liwanu back then…but he didn't care. He just walked away and wouldn't look back." I tried to look like I didn't care, but I was fairly certain she could see the truth.

  "Liwanu picked me up and I guess I fainted. I didn't wake until the next morning. He took care of my wounds." I shrugged my shoulder.
"You know the reset," I said, looking at my wrists.

  "Well, that's quite a story. Do you remember I told you about my son yesterday? How he was a kind, wonderful man? That's who Honon is. I've never seen this side of him before. He's always been so even tempered. Maybe he's this way because he's never been in love before."

  I looked at her with raised eyebrows and my mouth open wide.

  "Oh, he cared for his wife, but he wasn't in love with her."

  "Then why did he mar…oh, did she get pregnant?"

  Sitala smiled. "No, marriages are arranged here. Though some couples are lucky and in love. My husband keeps a log of everyone's genealogy. We have to be careful that family members aren't marrying each other."

  "I see. That makes sense. But you're saying that Honon is in love with me?"

  "Dani, he wasn't looking for a wife. He went with the others to get a wife for Liwanu or some of the other men here. I'd say he claimed you right off. If he didn't want you, why didn't he give you to Liwanu? Liwanu sounds like he wanted you enough. Do you think Honon could be mad at you because he thinks you don't want him? You did run away from him after he probably thought he had your heart."

  All the air rushed out of me and I slowly shook my head. "That never crossed my mind. I haven't been in a lot of relationships. The few I did have were very…mild. Honon and I together would be so…so messy."

  "Yes, but also exciting?"

  "Yes, but it's a moot point now," I sighed with a shrug.

  Sitala handed me a bowl of stew. "Here, eat before it gets colder. I want my son to be happy, for him to marry for love would be a blessing." Sitala bit the side of her lip in thought. "Would you like my help in getting my son back?"

  My spoon stopped half way to my mouth. "What? I don't know. No, it's better this way for when I leave."

  Sitala chuckled for a couple of seconds and then her face became somber. She grabbed the tea pot and refilled my cup. "Drink, drink it all."

  "Okay, thank you." I didn't understand why she wanted me to drink it all right away, but I didn't feel anything strange from the first cup, so I felt safe being polite and following her request. I did enjoy the taste. After I finished, she took the bowl and cup away.